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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

277 replies

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:34

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2024 16:37

I’m so sorry op. This is out of the blue for you, but he’s been planning this, remember that. He’s not your friend - get legal advice asap.

3luckystars · 26/12/2024 16:39

If you need to cry in the bed for a fortnight then you can.
Have you any support, family or friends you could talk to? Or is counselling an option ?

Muthaofcats · 26/12/2024 16:39

Sorry that must be horrible to be blindsided.
i guess the only consolation is he’s not the man you thought he was so ultimately will be happier eventually when you’re not living a lie.

You're married, so financially the presumption is 50:50 in terms of the marital pot; but yes you’re going to have to get a job so I would make that a priority.

3luckystars · 26/12/2024 16:39

Is it completely out of the blue? No hints or any idea he was having an affair ? I’m so sorry it’s awful.

Mashroom · 26/12/2024 16:41

This is a horrible thing to spring on you and worse at this time of year
get yourself some real life support and some legal advice op 💐 you will get through this

PoshScouser · 26/12/2024 16:41

Get legal advice. There is probably another woman.

Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:41

Well, he says it’s been on his mind for a year but during that time we were making future plans. He started medication for his ADHD and has changed since taking it. Maybe there were clues but I didn’t see them 😔

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 16:41

Have you shared this with anyone IRL yet?

You really should. Once you've said it out loud he can't wriggle away from the damage he's done when the going gets rough.

How long have you been a SAHM? How much do you have in savings?

Does he say where he plans to stay when he leaves?

Be clear in your mind: this is not a "separation", he is choosing to leave his family. He should pay for that. And he will do.

Speak to a lawyer as soon as offices open again after Xmas.

Can you take your DC and stay with family until early Jan and tell him to have left the house by then?

Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:42

I have family I can talk to but it’s difficult being with DD and having to be jolly when I just want to cry.

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arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 16:42

Well, 'luckily' you're married, so you don't have no money. Unless you both don't. All assets are joint assets and Starting split is 50/50.

12purplepencils · 26/12/2024 16:42

It is sad and a horrible situation to have the rug pulled from under your feet. I’m sorry. Get lots of support and advice.

I do believe though that either person has the right to leave the relationship at any time. (Having been the one who left someone)

3luckystars · 26/12/2024 16:43

You don’t have to be jolly, is he being jolly? It’s ok to be upset.

BobbyBiscuits · 26/12/2024 16:43

I'm so sorry. If you are separated, you can claim single persons benefits even if you're still living in same house. I hope you've got friends and family to talk to x

Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:44

LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 16:41

Have you shared this with anyone IRL yet?

You really should. Once you've said it out loud he can't wriggle away from the damage he's done when the going gets rough.

How long have you been a SAHM? How much do you have in savings?

Does he say where he plans to stay when he leaves?

Be clear in your mind: this is not a "separation", he is choosing to leave his family. He should pay for that. And he will do.

Speak to a lawyer as soon as offices open again after Xmas.

Can you take your DC and stay with family until early Jan and tell him to have left the house by then?

I’ve told my mum but I can’t stay at hers as she has a 1 bed so no room. I’m an idiot as I have no savings. Been a SAHM since I had my daughter as having a job and paying for childcare didn’t make sense at the time. Obviously I should’ve done that!

Part of me doesn’t want to start any proceedings in case he changes his mind or is that stupid of me?

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 26/12/2024 16:45

@Eggegggoose I'm so sorry. This happened to me last Christmas and the rug was entirely pulled from under me.

Unfortunately this also sounds like The Script so please don't be surprised if someone comes out of the woodwork.

Look after yourself - an hour at a time right now x

Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:45

12purplepencils · 26/12/2024 16:42

It is sad and a horrible situation to have the rug pulled from under your feet. I’m sorry. Get lots of support and advice.

I do believe though that either person has the right to leave the relationship at any time. (Having been the one who left someone)

Yes, im not angry at him or think ‘how dare he!’ But im just incredibly sad

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Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:46

We have a mortgage so have equity on the house but not sure if want to move. He told me this morning so my whole life has gone wrong and all future plans ruined in the space of a day.

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oakleaffy · 26/12/2024 16:46

W@Eggegggoose Cherchez La femme. There WILL be another woman.
Men Just don’t do this .

12purplepencils · 26/12/2024 16:47

It is sad and actually to qualify what I said, I think that in a marriage you do both have a responsibility to try to communicate and try to make it work eg. Try counselling, so it is not right if he didn’t give you a chance to talk things through and see if things could be improved. Or if he sought out another woman.

InfoSecInTheCity · 26/12/2024 16:47

Get copies of any bank/savings details now and copies of house deeds, mortgage, life insurance, pensions for both of you.

You are married so half of any assets - house, savings, pensions, vehicles etc is yours and you need to ensure he doesn't hive any of it away.

LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 16:48

@Eggegggoose if he changes his mind your relationship is still changed utterly. You will never trust him again.
I think it will be very hard in the short term but in the long term you will be happier if you find your rage and channel it to get a decent settlement.
Does your DH earn well? Are you renting or mortgaged?
Does he say he wants 50/50 access or less?

Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:48

12purplepencils · 26/12/2024 16:47

It is sad and actually to qualify what I said, I think that in a marriage you do both have a responsibility to try to communicate and try to make it work eg. Try counselling, so it is not right if he didn’t give you a chance to talk things through and see if things could be improved. Or if he sought out another woman.

I didn’t know he was unhappy or considering leaving so nothing has been done different. So no counselling and I have been the same which I thought he was happy with!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:49

LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 16:48

@Eggegggoose if he changes his mind your relationship is still changed utterly. You will never trust him again.
I think it will be very hard in the short term but in the long term you will be happier if you find your rage and channel it to get a decent settlement.
Does your DH earn well? Are you renting or mortgaged?
Does he say he wants 50/50 access or less?

Yes earns well. He has his own business. We have a mortgage. He would like our daughter as much as possible but she is a mummy’s girl so not sure what she will think of being apart from me.

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 16:49

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:46

We have a mortgage so have equity on the house but not sure if want to move. He told me this morning so my whole life has gone wrong and all future plans ruined in the space of a day.

Just seen this update.

You and the children don't have to move. This is his choice. See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row before he does if you can.

Do you have full access to the financial picture?

You will be entitled to some of his pension as well for the years you've spent raising his children.

Original poster
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:49

He says there is no other woman but who knows :( I just feel so sick

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