Page 4 | Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

Eggegggoose · 2024-12-26T16:34:32+00:00

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

PinkyFlamingo · 26/12/2024 17:43

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:53

Thanks everyone. I will keep an open mind about things because he says he wants to stay best friends and wants to look after me etc etc but I obviously can’t rely on him now can I?

Crock of shit, he just wants to keep you "on side" to get away with not giving you what you are entitled to financially.

Msmoonpie · 26/12/2024 17:45

Also find out if you are entitled to part of his business.

Since you have kindly provide childcare so that he could work.

LBFseBrom · 26/12/2024 17:45

No you can't but he may mean what he says.

You have to talk serious business with him so you know where you stand with house and finances, etc, then try to find a part time job.

Things will improve whatever happens. He may need some space, who knows? However you have to have some firm plans for now.

I realise how painful this is for you, it's an awful blow. x

Littlemisscapable · 26/12/2024 17:46

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2024 17:37

Hi op
Follow this advice to get ducks in a row.
Yes talk to a solicitor (asap). Don't tell him.
Best friends - no. Say you'd like to be polite and friendly and respectful but not friends. (He won't want to be friends with you after you try to get what you're entitled to financially.)
Ask him when he's moving out and where he's going.
Ask him what his thoughts are for childcare arrangements. If he wants 50/50 and you're happy with that then agree which days he's responsible for. He does all school runs and clubs and play dates and dinners on those days - you'll be off at Pilates or on a date so not free to help.
Pour all your energy and 'free' time when he has your daughter into self care - exercise, massage, spa day, hair blow dry, Botox, updating your wardrobe - whatever you can do get some seratonin in you and build your confidence up (on a side note make him see what he's missing).
Don't waste any emotional energy trying to over explain how sad you are and how much he's hurt you. He knows. He's doing it anyway.
You thriving without him will be far more likely to 'win him back' (if you want him) or hurt him (if you want to) then showing him your tears

Great advice on here...this has happened to my friend a few months ago. Definitely echo..YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS. No friend does this to someone at xmas. He's awful. It's not you.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/12/2024 17:48

Sunshineandoranges · 26/12/2024 17:14

In some ways this is worse than grief. If he’d had a heart attack and died, it would have been out of his control. You are in shock and being a good mum also have to protect your child. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I’m a widow. Trust me this is not worse.

Wingingit247 · 26/12/2024 17:51

I’m sorry to sound cynical, but I’d bet a lot of money that there is someone else involved, in every single separation/divorce I’ve ever known about in my life, there’s always another woman. Time will tell, just be very careful OP, this was out of the blue for him but not you, as someone else said, he is not your friend, nor does he have your best interests at heart. I’m so sorry you are going through such a horrendously tough time 💐

Daleksatemyshed · 26/12/2024 17:53

I'm so sorry Op, I don't think it's the medication, it's the New Year, he wants to break up and start afresh for 2025. There probably is another woman but that's immaterial really, he wants out. MN makes you cynical sometimes but he doesn't want to be best friends, he wants to leave with as little impact on his finances and his reputation as possible, and if he keeps you on side that will be easier. A lot of men think if they can "be friends" you won't take their money/ their DC/ their house- well Op, you aren't friends anymore and you need to think about you and your DC, your best interests are now completely different from his

Feelingathomenow · 26/12/2024 17:56

Has the ADHD medication improved his life in any way? Was he late diagnosed? If so, he has spent a life time developing coping mechanisms and masking. I’m really not a fan of medication for adhd unless you can’t manage without it, it’s not a disorder, it’s just a different way of thinking. Has his business profit changed? Have you discussed how he feels it has changed him, does he feel better or worse?

Livinghappy · 26/12/2024 17:57

They always say there is no other woman and then guess what, one magically appears

100%. The meds will be a distraction. He is rewriting history and having to find fault with you. Like many other women I believed Ex when he said no OW. Of course there was...they played the long game because she was also married so both didn't want to leave at the same time.

Please play your cards close to chest Be friendly - keep up the amicable front but get your own advice. Just get support from trusted friends & family. You will get through this but it will take time for the shock, grief, sadness and anger to subside.

No one should walk from a marriage in this way. You and your daughter don't deserve this.

JFDIYOLO · 26/12/2024 18:00

You are his wife.

'With my worldly goods I thee endow' isn't a piece of romantic fluff. It's a contract.

You co-own the house and its contents, his income, all the savings, his pension. Doesn't matter that you were the SAHM, he paid the bills.

Whatever he might say or try to make you believe.

He'll be trying to get out with as much money, property and intact reputation as possible.

Get a tattoo:

He is not my friend.
He is lying.
I co-own everything.

And look at it every time he tries to gaslight, persuade, minimise, manipulate.

Fight.

Dwrcegin · 26/12/2024 18:00

he says he wants to stay best friends and wants to look after me

He's hoping you lie down and take what's offered in a divorce. See a solicitor asap.

oakleaffy · 26/12/2024 18:02

CleanShirt · 26/12/2024 16:52

Same here.

Show quote history

I was walking home in dark just now with 1percent battery so couldn’t reply properly-

My husband showed ZERO sign of having an affair apart from a bit of mentionitis ( and staying late for work )

What a fool I’d been.

My Dad sussed him
out.

It was over Christmas , this time of year exactly.
Our son was 4 yrs old.

He swore blind he wasn’t seeing anyone, and the work colleague had the absolute CHEEK to come round to our house to say that I was
”Mentally unwell” to suggest such a thing.

He’d moved out on 27th Dec.

To hers.

“ She’s just a friend “

😱🤥

They married the minute our divorce came through.

So sorry @Eggegggoose .

PoshScouser · 26/12/2024 18:04

Rosscameasdoody · 26/12/2024 17:48

I’m a widow. Trust me this is not worse.

Show quote history

This. Both are bad, but they are quite different.
Sorry for your loss @Rosscameasdoody .

oakleaffy · 26/12/2024 18:06

JFDIYOLO · 26/12/2024 18:00

You are his wife.

'With my worldly goods I thee endow' isn't a piece of romantic fluff. It's a contract.

You co-own the house and its contents, his income, all the savings, his pension. Doesn't matter that you were the SAHM, he paid the bills.

Whatever he might say or try to make you believe.

He'll be trying to get out with as much money, property and intact reputation as possible.

Get a tattoo:

He is not my friend.
He is lying.
I co-own everything.

And look at it every time he tries to gaslight, persuade, minimise, manipulate.

Fight.

Edited

This ☝️ ☝️ ☝️.

Thank GOODNESS you are married, @Eggegggoose

sunflowersngunpowdr · 26/12/2024 18:07

Get proceedings going now whilst he is still guilty. Prepare yourself for another woman. If you can hold your nose and keep it amicable, do so until the divorce is over. Start looking for work... asap.

CleanShirt · 26/12/2024 18:07

oakleaffy · 26/12/2024 18:02

I was walking home in dark just now with 1percent battery so couldn’t reply properly-

My husband showed ZERO sign of having an affair apart from a bit of mentionitis ( and staying late for work )

What a fool I’d been.

My Dad sussed him
out.

It was over Christmas , this time of year exactly.
Our son was 4 yrs old.

He swore blind he wasn’t seeing anyone, and the work colleague had the absolute CHEEK to come round to our house to say that I was
”Mentally unwell” to suggest such a thing.

He’d moved out on 27th Dec.

To hers.

“ She’s just a friend “

😱🤥

They married the minute our divorce came through.

So sorry @Eggegggoose .

Show quote history

Our stories are frighteningly similar. I'm sorry you had to go through this too x

Hwi · 26/12/2024 18:08

3luckystars · 26/12/2024 16:39

If you need to cry in the bed for a fortnight then you can.
Have you any support, family or friends you could talk to? Or is counselling an option ?

Cry in bed for 2 weeks? What about dd?

Northerngrit7 · 26/12/2024 18:09

As others have said, collect as much financial evidence as possible. There actually wasn't anyone else involved when i split with my husband - but within 2 months there was - and within 3 months she was pregnant. The maintenance we'd agreed stopped immediately and I never got what was due. Go back a few years because he may have started paying himself less if he's self employed, hopefully there are company accounts but obviously tax could mean he's underdeclared income anyway - if you can get any proof on that it could help from a negotiating standpoint. He may well have bank accounts you don't know about, hunt for those. Good luck.

TheSquareMile · 26/12/2024 18:09

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

YourGladSquid · 26/12/2024 18:15

Wingingit247 · 26/12/2024 17:51

I’m sorry to sound cynical, but I’d bet a lot of money that there is someone else involved, in every single separation/divorce I’ve ever known about in my life, there’s always another woman. Time will tell, just be very careful OP, this was out of the blue for him but not you, as someone else said, he is not your friend, nor does he have your best interests at heart. I’m so sorry you are going through such a horrendously tough time 💐

Especially men. I don’t think I know of any man that has initiated a separation without having someone else lined up.

DingDongAlong · 26/12/2024 18:19

I would also be very clear that if he wants 50/50, then it's 50/50 for everything. He needs to be sorting childcare/wraparound/sickness that falls on his time, including school holidays. Ensure you are not lumped with it. If he's not paying you child maintenance then that's because he's expected to be fully doing his 50% share, not the bare minimum while you pick up the slack.

School can also send correspondence to separated parents so you don't need to be doing this life admin for him either. If he misses stuff then so be it.

CharlotteCChapel · 26/12/2024 18:20

SunriseCat · 26/12/2024 16:51

They always say there is no other woman and then guess what, one magically appears. You need to spend this time getting yourself in the best possible position you can be in. Try not to catastrophise even though things are bleak and frightening. Go and get advice from a solicitor on your specific situation.

My friend left his wife and there was not another woman and hasn't been since. Their marriage had just worn out.

HeyItsMeImTheProblem · 26/12/2024 18:21

My DH has insisted there is no future for us but also that there is no future in whatever has been going on with him and this woman from work. He's a prolific liar so I simply don't believe it.

Original poster

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 18:22

I’m just in such a rubbish position because my potential earnings will barely cover child care. So will struggle with holidays and summer holidays etc. I’ve only ever done admin

OP posts:

HeyItsMeImTheProblem · 26/12/2024 18:23

You are not 100 % responsible for the costs. You need to get legal advice asap.