Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

[Eggegggoose]

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

In some ways this is worse than grief. If he’d had a heart attack and died, it would have been out of his control. You are in shock and being a good mum also have to protect your child. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

You've mentioned a business account. Is he self employed? Odds on if he's been thinking about it for a year that he's hidden money too.

I think you should, as calmly as possible, ask him to move out for a week or two. The cost of a hotel will be worth it to give you some space. He might then realise what he will lose or perhaps has already lost by his actions today.

Ridiculous side point but please don’t leave your small child alone eating popcorn

This is EXCELLENT advice. You need to start playing detective now. I was in your position once and I spend months being broken hearted and going for counselling. And my now ex husband spent that time taking and hiding all the assets.

Dont be me please. I lost everything.

Has he ever threatened divorce previously?

Something seems off, his stupid comment about staying best friends for a start. What’s his plan for separating?

i can see her but she can’t see me. But appreciate you pointing it out.

He has never threatened divorce before. We have always got along really well. Or so I thought. I’m just scouring my brain for clues now.

Hmmm....it is interesting that it very much coincides with his medication.

Before his medication, how much did you do for him in terms of life admin, and doing things around the house so he could maintain his business?

(Aslo OP, please don't beat yourself up for staying at home at the moment because I'm sure your daughter must have benefited from it).

Mine said similar. He wanted me to make it as easy as possible for him to extricate himself from our marriage. I.e. as cheaply as he could get away with.
Don't be taken in by sweet talk. He won't want you to be his anything once the financial stuff is sorted and he's moved in with the other woman.
Get applying for whatever benefits you're entitled to, regard yourself as being separated as of today, and get your ducks in a row. Don't trust him one inch from hereonin.
Sending you a hug and 🌸
Stay strong for your wee un.

OP you said he’s changed since starting ADHD meds. Would he be willing to investigate whether these could be responsible for such a change in such a relatively short space of time ? If his overall personality has changed this could be the reason he feels the way he does. I’d be investigating this rather than looking for another woman as the reason.

'Best friends' don't dump someone without warning or without giving an honest, serious attempt at fixing things before calling it a day.

He hasn't told you how he's feeling; he hasn't suggested fixing things; he hasn't suggested counselling, family or otherwise; he's just said he's done and wants to be 'best friends'.

Best friends don't do this.

Get a good solicitor and protect yourself. It won't stay 'friendly'.

How long ago did he start the medication?

Cherchez La femme

I'm so sorry OP he's dropped this on you. Read the Script so you can be prepared for what's coming.

Please please get your hands on bank statements and anything to do with the business, i know you are sad and hoping he will change his mind but he is moths ahead of you regarding protecting his money. Don't leave your home, your daughter needs to be there, she needs continuity. He can leave if he doesn't want to stay married. Get as much cash together now as you can. If you still have access to his bank cards buy expensive item for your daughter now, summer clothes winter coats etc, anything that will save you money in the coming year. Fill the cupboards with food, coffee, toiletries, cleaning and laundry products, it will help take the pressure off.
Sorry you have been blindsided but life will get better, just take baby steps.

My H told me how happy he was etc until there was too much evidence that he walks cheating then WHAM suddenly he tells me he's been unhappy for months.

Do not trust a word that leaves his lips.

That's my stance currently. I love my H but my god he is a sneaky sod.

What a shock for you. It must be hard to think straight so soon after hearing this.
It's a somewhat good sign that he wants to be 'friends' because it should mean he will be amenable to sorting out child support and access. You've obviously earned less because the two of you had agreed you wouldn't prioritise your career, so you should be entitled to a good share of the marital assets. It's shit, though. You trusted him.

See a solicitor as soon as possible and hold nothing back - they will certainly need to know about your interests in your husband business.

Hi op
Follow this advice to get ducks in a row.
Yes talk to a solicitor (asap). Don't tell him.
Best friends - no. Say you'd like to be polite and friendly and respectful but not friends. (He won't want to be friends with you after you try to get what you're entitled to financially.)
Ask him when he's moving out and where he's going.
Ask him what his thoughts are for childcare arrangements. If he wants 50/50 and you're happy with that then agree which days he's responsible for. He does all school runs and clubs and play dates and dinners on those days - you'll be off at Pilates or on a date so not free to help.
Pour all your energy and 'free' time when he has your daughter into self care - exercise, massage, spa day, hair blow dry, Botox, updating your wardrobe - whatever you can do get some seratonin in you and build your confidence up (on a side note make him see what he's missing).
Don't waste any emotional energy trying to over explain how sad you are and how much he's hurt you. He knows. He's doing it anyway.
You thriving without him will be far more likely to 'win him back' (if you want him) or hurt him (if you want to) then showing him your tears

I think it should be Cherchez le meds before Cherchez la femme. The change of personality and this bombshell has come suspiciously close to him starting new ADHD meds. They can mess with the way the brain works and have unpredictable consequences. That’s where I’d be starting.

Prepare to discover he is not who you thought he was.

Do not believe a word he says from now on. Do not trust him.

He deceived you over how he was supposedly feeling for a long time, while he carried on playing happy families, hiding the truth, giving himself time to adjust and plan while all along intending to drop a Christmas hand grenade into your unsuspecting life, didn't he.

He is not your friend and does not have your best interest at heart.

Expect him to say he wants to have your child 50/50. They do this. Generally to get out of paying maintenance. In practice, you'll still have the bulk of the care work to do.

Do not let him say oh we can do this between ourselves, we don't need the expense of a solicitor. This is generally to get you into a corner, believing more lies about your rights.

As soon as they open again, consult a solicitor. Find out about your and your child's rights and his responsibilities.

If his parents / family are around, be proactive and tell them yourself what he's done. He will be going full steam ahead to try to minimise and twist the narrative. And expect them to be firmly on his side. He's faaaaaaaaamily.

Tell your friends (you'll learn who/if they really are, shortly). You'll need your team.

And he can swear til Armageddon that there's no-one else, but there will be something going on beneath this.

The shock and denial will subside. Find your rage and resolve as soon as you can.

@Eggegggoose He's not been thinking about this for a year, he's been planning this for a year. You need to see a solicitor ASAP without telling him.

Also as soon as you can in the new year invest in a course that will increase your earning power

Maybe tell husband he has to take daughter away for a couple of nights - will give you some head space to cry and also cock block him if there is another woman

And polish up your CV and start thinking of yourself as a woman who'll be earning her own living, savings, pension in 2025.

All the very best. We're here.