Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

[Eggegggoose]

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

I’m just in such a rubbish position because my potential earnings will barely cover child care. So will struggle with holidays and summer holidays etc. I’ve only ever done admin

You'll likely be able to claim universal credit which will cover 85% of childcare costs - once you stop reeling from what’s happened you’ll start to make a plan.

Can we please stop trotting out the line that men dont leave unless there is someone else....mine did....he wasnt in love with me anymore...we were arguing constantly and had not been happy in a long long time...so he ended the marriage and moved into a rental.

I'm sorry OP but there's likely to be a OW in the wings.

Believe me a man just doesn't up and leave his family only for there is another woman in the pipeline .. I'm sorry this is the case xx

I wouldn’t assume it’d cock black him tbh. Could rush DD meeting daddy’s new pal.

How sad. I'm really sorry OP You won't be the first or last at this time of year (I know that's not much comfort) but the intensity of Christmas and New Year seems to push a spike in divorce and separation.

You’re not a lone parent. Many modern financial settlements include provision the non resident parent pay at least 50% of nursery, after school club, holiday club, music/swim lessons on top of maintenance

Everyone is different, but when I was in titration for my ADHD meds, I started to feel very depressed. I had no idea what being depressed felt like, because my ADHD burnout symptoms had been mistaken for depression for years. I very calmly and rationally started to think that everyone hated me, particularly my husband. And while it never got to the stage where I was actively planning to do anything about it, I started getting convinced DH and the DC would be way better off without me around. I spoke to my psychiatrist and we agreed I'd try antidepressants as well as my ADHD meds and I've been fine since. If he's new to the meds has he discussed how he's feeling with his psychiatrist?

Rosscameasmoody..my apologies..very insensitive of me

Please don’t feel bad about being a SAHM.
You did what was best for the family at the time.

In the future, you could look for an admin job in a school/college which will mean relying less on childcare.

How many bedrooms do you have?
Does your mum work?

If you have a close relationship, I’m wondering if she can come and stay with you for a bit.

It's alarming, isn't it.
When one has a young child, and things seemed to be working out ok, we'd bought a house together, young child, things seemed to be fine, although the sex life had taken a bit of drop...and we were arguing more, but nothing BAD, nothing to divorce over..
My clever Dad.. we used to joke he was like Sherlock Holmes..
We were staying at my parents for Christmas, and on Boxing Day, husband was going to see his parents ''on his own''.

My Dad said to me ''Go with him, love, just go''

I said ''But I want to stay here with you!''

Dad said ''Please go...I think you'll
regret it if you don't''

I stayed with my parents - but.... Husband wasn't at his parents when I phoned.

Dad had taken a note of the vehicle husband had, and there should have bene no more than 18 miles on the clock.

There was over 280.

He'd been up to see the OW.

Dad said ''he's been acting suspiciously..your husband never reads books here normally, but he's been clutching that book a workmate gave him like a precious object all day...she gave it to him.

Dad was spot on.

So sorry you had to go through it, too.

{And OP of course} ...such a hard time of year as well for them to leave, especially with children.

Happily my ex 's second marriage failed {schadenfreude} - thanks to OW's children {who bless them were kind to our son}...I hear one of her son's names on Radio 4 occasionally in credits, and am always thankful that he was nice to a hurting younger child, as he too was hurt by his mother bringing in a new man.

Look to get back into work asap so you can as you can't trust him to support you ,particularly as he has his own business

He's not your friend.
Ask him to transfer half his savings to you asap.

If you're on low wages you can claim UC to help.
He will have to pay maintenance but if he's self employed he could easily wriggle out of it.

But why would childcare be yours to pay? Speak to him about the logistics of it. Spousal and child maintenance and childcare.

and please remember he is not your friend…

.. and telling you this on boxing day sounds like it was a calculated decision to wait until ‘after christmas’ and the other woman will surface in a month or so.

Don't beat yourself up. For many parents, having one parent SAH until the child starts elementary school makes economic sense. How were you to know that your husband was going to blindside you like this?

Obviously there is a limit to what you can do at this time of year. Maybe that's why he has chosen now to launch this bombshell?

Let him know that you are going to see a solicitor as soon as you can in the new year and that you are taking his announcement seriously.

This doesn't commit you to anything, but it will give you a clearer picture of what you will be entitled to and what the financial situation is likely to be. You cannot make any plans without knowing this.

Don't beat yourself up for being a SAHM. Taking this step might help you feel a bit more in control and he will realise that he can't just dictate terms and have everything his own way.

Your daughter has two parents: her father is responsible for half of the childcare costs. There are 13 weeks of school holidays a year, plus 5 inset days and he will need to cover half of them, which means 7 weeks.

Ask him what he’s doing about finding a breakfast club, after school club, and summer holiday club, and which weeks of the Easter, Christmas and half term holidays he’ll be using his annual leave to cover, as you’ll need to work full time to be able to survive.

No, unfortunately you can't trust him anymore, and you must look at his actions, not his empty words, from now on. Get a solicitor who specializes in divorce to see where you stand, and don't believe a word out of his mouth.

There is

Quiite right. In this case I'd suggest a meeting with dr or counsellor rgds fx of ADHD drug treatment. Big life changes like this can also bring up changes that he may now have realised he needs to make in relationships. A friend's husband left when he dealt with his alcoholism, got sober and couldn't be part of their heavy social drinking lifestyle. She wouldn't stop so he went.

He is not your friend. But there is no harm pretending and acting that he is (for now). Keep everything close to your chest - go see a solicitor ASAP but do not tell him.

As others have said - screenshot and photocopy absolutely everything you can get your hands on for his business and your personal finances…….savings, pension, investments, assets, etc. it’s highly likely he will try to downplay how much you have and how much he earns when it comes to a settlement.

Do you get child benefit? If not apply for it online today, as it can take many weeks to process. Also start a child maintenance claim immediately now that you are no longer together. See what benefits/UC you will be entitled to and again apply immediately.

Start updating your CV and looking online at potential jobs to apply for. Speak to your solicitor and ask whether it is in yours/child’s best interests for you to seek a job asap or to wait until after finances/divorce are sorted.

I know everyone jumps to an OW, it’s not always the case, but keep an open mind - the fact that there has been no discussion from him previously to say he was unhappy, attempts to make things better, suggest counselling, points towards an OW. The timing of a Boxing Day break up suggests an ultimatum and him saying “I’ll stay just to give my child one last Xmas.” Seems unusual timing if there isn’t an OW.

Exactly same situation as me kitten, currently on titration and ended up so depressed I ended up in a and e suicidal, wrote notes and cards the lot I just couldn't see a way out. They put me on anti depressants as well and I've found my correct Elvanse dose and feeling a lot better.

Better to address (Counsellor / Dr) the changes his ADHD treatment have made. Not a matter of ' no trust ' if that's what's brought about the change.

This!