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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

277 replies

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:34

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

OP posts:
Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:50

Yes we have a joint account and I have access to business account so I see all money going in and out

OP posts:
SunriseCat · 26/12/2024 16:51

They always say there is no other woman and then guess what, one magically appears. You need to spend this time getting yourself in the best possible position you can be in. Try not to catastrophise even though things are bleak and frightening. Go and get advice from a solicitor on your specific situation.

oakleaffy · 26/12/2024 16:52

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:49

He says there is no other woman but who knows :( I just feel so sick

Loooiolololol
Hollow laugh.

my husband swore no other woman.

There WAS.

They LIE.

CleanShirt · 26/12/2024 16:52

oakleaffy · 26/12/2024 16:52

Loooiolololol
Hollow laugh.

my husband swore no other woman.

There WAS.

They LIE.

Same here.

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:53

Thanks everyone. I will keep an open mind about things because he says he wants to stay best friends and wants to look after me etc etc but I obviously can’t rely on him now can I?

OP posts:
InfoSecInTheCity · 26/12/2024 16:54

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:50

Yes we have a joint account and I have access to business account so I see all money going in and out

Set up an account in your name.

What would he do if you were to take half the balance of the joint account and put it in your name? Would he kick off?

InfoSecInTheCity · 26/12/2024 16:57

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:50

Yes we have a joint account and I have access to business account so I see all money going in and out

Oh and get as much info as you can about his business finances. It is easier for him to hide his income if he's running his own business, which could mean down the line you need to provide evidence that he is not in fact on minimum wage or earning so little he can't make any child support payments.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2024 16:57

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:50

Yes we have a joint account and I have access to business account so I see all money going in and out

This is great. Screenshots now op. All of it. Even if you want to curl up now, get evidence of all his finances

SapatSea · 26/12/2024 16:58

He probably had a Christmas deadline to tell you from the OW. It is really heart breaking but you need to take a moment out from grieving and get all the paperwork about his business, pension and assets together and copy it. Men with their won business are well known for "massaging" the figures later to limit maintenance. He likely wants 50/50 custody so that he doesn't have to pay any CM. Use one of the government backed calculators (e.g. Turn2us or entitledto) to see whet you might be eligible for and seek legal advice too. He will probably play nice for now, but he is no longer your friend or has your back, especially later when the divorce proceedings start and he needs to finance a new life.
I'm really sorry this happened to you.

beasmithwentworth · 26/12/2024 16:58

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same situation. In mine he had started an affair with someone from work. I'm not saying your husband is but it very rare that men end a relationship for 'no-one'. The advice of 'he's not your friend' is very wise. I trusted my husband implicitly and told him everything about how I was thinking and feeling. It's hard to shift your mindset from that to him being the opposite. But that will serve you well.
I'm very sorry. It's awful. My kids spent a lot of time-in front of the TV for a good 3 months whilst I cried in the kitchen. Please don't worry about that aspect for now x

PoshScouser · 26/12/2024 16:59

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:53

Thanks everyone. I will keep an open mind about things because he says he wants to stay best friends and wants to look after me etc etc but I obviously can’t rely on him now can I?

Talk is cheap. He'll probably push for 50:50 or minimise his earnings. He's not your friend.
Know your rights. See a divorce lawyer ASAP.

HeyItsMeImTheProblem · 26/12/2024 17:02

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I was where you are 3 weeks ago.

Hold on tight, it's not going to be easy. Take all the advice you can from these threads.

I also agree there will be another woman, there always is. I've never known a single man leave to be on his own.

Also, of course he wants to be friends - he feels guilty so wants to ease that. He is not your friend.

Cry it out but please please do get legal advice asap.

TicketyBoo11 · 26/12/2024 17:04

He’s not your friend. The line is drawn and he’s chosen his side. Get angry. ‘Hell hath no fury’ an’ all that. You’ve got this, even if you think you haven’t ✊🏻

KhakiOrca · 26/12/2024 17:06

So sorry OP
I agree with others who have said there will be another woman. So you need to mentally prepare for that. I know it’s not what you want to hear right now. But that will be the reason.
My EX denied another woman too.

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 17:06

beasmithwentworth · 26/12/2024 16:58

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same situation. In mine he had started an affair with someone from work. I'm not saying your husband is but it very rare that men end a relationship for 'no-one'. The advice of 'he's not your friend' is very wise. I trusted my husband implicitly and told him everything about how I was thinking and feeling. It's hard to shift your mindset from that to him being the opposite. But that will serve you well.
I'm very sorry. It's awful. My kids spent a lot of time-in front of the TV for a good 3 months whilst I cried in the kitchen. Please don't worry about that aspect for now x

I’ve given DD a big tub of popcorn for dinner! I’m crying in the other room :(

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 26/12/2024 17:07

Don't leave your house - he can move out! Get advice asap though and also you both tell your child together when the time comes.

WaneyEdge · 26/12/2024 17:08

LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 16:49

Just seen this update.

You and the children don't have to move. This is his choice. See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row before he does if you can.

Do you have full access to the financial picture?

You will be entitled to some of his pension as well for the years you've spent raising his children.

She may well do if she can’t afford to buy him out. It’s very rare that a judge will order him to pay for the family home for the next 13 years.

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 17:09

I will definitely need advice. Is a solicitor the first port of call? Or CAB?

OP posts:
Candlesandmatches · 26/12/2024 17:11

Why does he want a divorce OP?
Im also wondering about the starting of the adhd medication and this desire to get divorced. Any other unusual activities?

TreeBeMe · 26/12/2024 17:11

Get copies of all the paperwork now, take screenshots of the business accounts in case you are suddenly blocked. Lock your stuff down now, personal email access, sole bank account etc, if you can print stuff, print it and leave it with a friend or at your Mum's. If you don't have a sole account set one up now. Lots can be done online.

Most men, most, will not leave to suddenly be solely responsible for all their own cooking, cleaning, ironing, food shopping, organising etc there is usually a stupid woman telling him they can be better than his wife and look after him.

All the time he was filling up his pension pot whilst you were a sahm is half yours because you are married you are entitled to monies you did not earn. Everything gets put into one pot, house, cars, pensions, savings, investments etc and 50/50 is a starting point although they do take into account your ability to earn and provide a home for you and your child. Usually it will go more toward you if you are a the lower earner.

See a solicitor, do not take his word for what he can and will provide in this. Most offer 30 minutes free consultations. As above, he has been planning this but probably won't have through through the day to day stuff. If he wants 50/50 is he going to be able to do the school runs on his days? Will he have to sort wrap around care? Are there any spaces in the wrap around care place? Every 6-7 weeks his child has school holidays has he factored in the cost of childcare on the days he will have her? It isn't up to you to have her or sort out or pay for his days. Of course you will open your arms to have your DD but don't let him think that, don't let him think for one second you will just sort everything out for him.

The stuff he has never had to think about are now his to think about including life admin for her like haircuts, uniform, shoe shopping, dentist appointments etc. They all cannot be your responsibility. Maybe pointing this out might help him see clearly.

BESTAUNTB · 26/12/2024 17:11

I echo the advice to be as tough and organised as possible about the finances.

Screen shot everything. His savings accounts too, if you’ve access.

Even if he’s not seeing someone at the moment, eventually he will be, and maybe he’ll seek to pay the bare minimum in child maintenance so that he can fund his new lifestyle.

Not everyone behaves like this. My ex husband didn’t. My good friend’s husband didn’t. But prepare for the worst because plenty do.

See a solicitor asap.

He needs to move out as soon as he can. Living under one roof will be too hard, especially if he’s going out on dates. He wanted to separate which he’s entitled to do, but he needs to find somewhere to live.

YourGladSquid · 26/12/2024 17:11

I’m so sorry, OP. This is horrendous.

I agree with everyone else though, no matter how heartbroken you are remember he’s not your friend.

Not quite the same as no children involved but my DB just got broken up with out of the blue after 20 years, DSIL kept insisting she wants to stay friends - until she realised she wasn’t getting her way when it came to finances and the house. The mask dropped pretty much straight away.

Protect yourself and your DD above all else.

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 17:12

Candlesandmatches · 26/12/2024 17:11

Why does he want a divorce OP?
Im also wondering about the starting of the adhd medication and this desire to get divorced. Any other unusual activities?

He says he has changed. I’m quite bubbly and like a have a joke and laugh and he was the same. Since his new meds he has become a lot more serious (and grumpy!) He says he isn’t depressed though. But he doesn’t want laughs and jokes all the time which is what we have always been like previously.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 26/12/2024 17:12

Solicitor. Don't let anyone waste your time on 'legal separation' if that still exists, go for divorce. Short and sharp, saves pain in the long run. I found the CAB useless but they might be better nowadays. He will try to screw you over. Don't believe anything he says from now on.

YourGladSquid · 26/12/2024 17:14

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 17:12

He says he has changed. I’m quite bubbly and like a have a joke and laugh and he was the same. Since his new meds he has become a lot more serious (and grumpy!) He says he isn’t depressed though. But he doesn’t want laughs and jokes all the time which is what we have always been like previously.

I suppose he could be having a bit of an identity crisis over his “new” self as medicated, but he’s told you himself he’s been pondering for a year now. It’s unlikely he’ll change his mind.

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