Page 11 | Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

Eggegggoose · 2024-12-26T16:34:32+00:00

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

johnyhadasister · 27/12/2024 16:13

GossipGirliexo · 27/12/2024 14:50

When I say plan:

FT worker redirects salary from joint account to single
Fudging earnings on salary if self employed
OH - move in with her/him
Having savings they can live off
Getting their ducks in a row
Seeking legal advise

The reality is women are the ones who don't have a clue when it comes to separations and what they're entitled to e.g. your comment about staying in the house until kids are 18. They think, once they've had a kid they're sorted for 18 years which isn't true. Men seem to be more wise about their options, what their entitled to and prioritise their career which explains why more women are in poverty in pension age. OP has a 5 year gap on her CV which isn't great, especially in this job climate.

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Men are very very aware, especially if they are funding the mortgage, and the whole situation....

PenguinLover24 · 27/12/2024 17:06

LBFseBrom · 27/12/2024 10:10

I so agree with that, Feelingathomenow.

Someone with ADHD or ADD does not need medication, they need help and guidance to manage their personality. If they are intelligent they can look it all up and work it out for themselves. They must do that for their own sake and for the sake of those they are with.

Many of the drugs suggested are horrendous and they are all largely experimental because the brain, and the mind, are so complex and still largely unknown.

Anyone who has worked in a Neurology unit will tell you the same, research and drug trials are endless and often the patients are no better, are sometimes worse, as a result. The drug companies are the only ones that benefit.

I wouldn't take anything like that.

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Actually some people with ADHD do need meds. I am one of them. Since finding the right dose it has literally changed my life and I actually want to live it now.

MyPithyPoster · 27/12/2024 17:35

PenguinLover24 · 27/12/2024 17:06

Actually some people with ADHD do need meds. I am one of them. Since finding the right dose it has literally changed my life and I actually want to live it now.

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I’m glad it worked for you, but there’s no chance I would take them.
Many people feel suicidal throughout the course of their lives, and very few actually act on it. Waves of highs and lows are entirely normal numbing the brain to either of them means that you’re just floating through life. You’re actually not living it.

PenguinLover24 · 27/12/2024 18:04

MyPithyPoster · 27/12/2024 17:35

I’m glad it worked for you, but there’s no chance I would take them.
Many people feel suicidal throughout the course of their lives, and very few actually act on it. Waves of highs and lows are entirely normal numbing the brain to either of them means that you’re just floating through life. You’re actually not living it.

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It doesn't numb my brain to the highs and lows of life. It literally helps me function without taking a mental breakdown over the smallest of things / emotion. I can concentrate and actually achieve things. Before these meds I was suicidal and hated my life. Apart from an issue when titrating when the dose was wrong and I was really depressed, since having the right dose I am actually enjoying life and seeing that things can be ok and I don't need to be in survival mode every day. I still cry, get angry, get bored, get excited just like everyone else, it hasn't numbed my brain and I'm not floating through life .. I am actually living it. Do you have ADHD? Because mines was so bad I couldn't function, these meds have allowed me to. So although you're allowed your opinion on meds, I think it's unfair to say this when you have never taken any and they have literally saved someone like me. If it wasn't for them my baby wouldn't have a mum right now.

ShinyShona · 27/12/2024 19:10

johnyhadasister · 27/12/2024 15:47

And how many women come here saying they do not have access to that money, not even to 1% of it, just whatever he gives them or purchase himself

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Yes and whether or not they get any access to the other person's money, let alone 50%, is not guaranteed.

ShinyShona · 27/12/2024 19:12

johnyhadasister · 27/12/2024 16:13

Men are very very aware, especially if they are funding the mortgage, and the whole situation....

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What if the woman is funding the mortgage on her own? Women do this you know!

CleanShirt · 28/12/2024 10:53

How are you doing @Eggegggoose ? X

Original poster

Eggegggoose · 28/12/2024 10:59

CleanShirt · 28/12/2024 10:53

How are you doing @Eggegggoose ? X

Thanks you for asking @CleanShirt I feel a bit strange today. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I think the clues were there but I guess I just ignored them. I’m very sad and worried about being lonely and doing all the stuff for DD with no breaks

OP posts:

CleanShirt · 28/12/2024 11:06

Eggegggoose · 28/12/2024 10:59

Thanks you for asking @CleanShirt I feel a bit strange today. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I think the clues were there but I guess I just ignored them. I’m very sad and worried about being lonely and doing all the stuff for DD with no breaks

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One day at a time. Try not to think about the long away future right now - I know it's difficult! X

HeyItsMeImTheProblem · 28/12/2024 11:48

I agree with the one day at a time motto.

When I discovered my husbands affair the panic totally kicked in. I was so scared of everything.

Now I'm a few weeks in it's not as scary. I suspect You already do most of the things anyway.

GossipGirliexo · 28/12/2024 17:24

johnyhadasister · 27/12/2024 16:13

Men are very very aware, especially if they are funding the mortgage, and the whole situation....

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I agree, men know it all. More women should to.

GossipGirliexo · 28/12/2024 17:26

ShinyShona · 27/12/2024 19:12

What if the woman is funding the mortgage on her own? Women do this you know!

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Then, she wouldn't most likely be a SAHM. She would be more aware of her options and plans, like a man would be.

Treeinthesky · 29/12/2024 09:18

All I was saying is reflect that's all. You can change things. Are you autistic. Before I even realised I had adhd I was 100 miles an hour and emotional. I've split with a husband of 15 years with little emotion literally I switched my feelings of which people don't understand. Since I've been on meds I've realised the issues I had with my husband were because he had autism. I hadn't reflected I hadn't realised. I've also reflected on myself and what I did wrong. I then jumped into a new relationship very quickly. He also has adhd which he has had diagnosed since childhood. Since learning about myself and going on meds I've reflected on this relationship what's crap and what I did wrong in my marriage.

What I am saying is reflect, ask him what it is he feels you are doing that he isn't happy about and maybe you can work onit together. Hope your ok

Original poster

Eggegggoose · 29/12/2024 11:56

Treeinthesky · 29/12/2024 09:18

All I was saying is reflect that's all. You can change things. Are you autistic. Before I even realised I had adhd I was 100 miles an hour and emotional. I've split with a husband of 15 years with little emotion literally I switched my feelings of which people don't understand. Since I've been on meds I've realised the issues I had with my husband were because he had autism. I hadn't reflected I hadn't realised. I've also reflected on myself and what I did wrong. I then jumped into a new relationship very quickly. He also has adhd which he has had diagnosed since childhood. Since learning about myself and going on meds I've reflected on this relationship what's crap and what I did wrong in my marriage.

What I am saying is reflect, ask him what it is he feels you are doing that he isn't happy about and maybe you can work onit together. Hope your ok

No, I’m not autistic but since he has started his meds, he has been diagnosed with autism that wasn’t really obvious before. So he is struggling with that. He doesn’t like loads of noise and mess and sometimes he comes home from work and me and DD are sometimes playing with toys all over the place and being a bit loud. He says it’s sensory overload. Then he comes in and I want to have a chat and a laugh and he says it’s too much

OP posts:

Original poster

Eggegggoose · 29/12/2024 11:57

He is going to go away for a week as he says he needs space so I will be with DD, cat and dog for a week!! I’m imagining when I can get a week at a spa one day (never going to happen anytime soon!)

OP posts:

Wolframandhart · 29/12/2024 12:01

Eggegggoose · 29/12/2024 11:57

He is going to go away for a week as he says he needs space so I will be with DD, cat and dog for a week!! I’m imagining when I can get a week at a spa one day (never going to happen anytime soon!)

Going away where and with who…

… and when was this booked.

3luckystars · 29/12/2024 12:10

Going where?

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/12/2024 12:11

He doesn’t like loads of noise and mess and sometimes he comes home from work and me and DD are sometimes playing with toys all over the place and being a bit loud. He says it’s sensory overload. Then he comes in and I want to have a chat and a laugh and he says it’s too much

Presumably that’s always been an issue though, a diagnosis doesn’t all of a sudden make someone less noise tolerant, how has he been coping up until now?

DogInATent · 29/12/2024 12:28

Eggegggoose · 29/12/2024 11:56

No, I’m not autistic but since he has started his meds, he has been diagnosed with autism that wasn’t really obvious before. So he is struggling with that. He doesn’t like loads of noise and mess and sometimes he comes home from work and me and DD are sometimes playing with toys all over the place and being a bit loud. He says it’s sensory overload. Then he comes in and I want to have a chat and a laugh and he says it’s too much

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It's quite normal to want half-an-hour to decompress after walking in the door from work, it's also quite normal to want adult engagement the moment your partner gets home when you've seen no one but the children all day. This is a conflict adults have to resolve together. Otherwise there's a very high risk of relationship damage through ANA.

I'm trying to work out the way you're now phrasing it, he was put on meds for ADHD and then he diagnosed with autism?

Which meds is he on? because you can see from many of the replies that this is important.

B0RING · 29/12/2024 13:07

Eggegggoose · 29/12/2024 11:57

He is going to go away for a week as he says he needs space so I will be with DD, cat and dog for a week!! I’m imagining when I can get a week at a spa one day (never going to happen anytime soon!)

Thats amazing that he has been able to book somewhere at the last minute at such a busy time of year.

Especially when you have to pay so much extra for a single supplement in a hotel. How can he afford it?

Forgottobuymincepies · 29/12/2024 13:12

How nice for him. A week away from all of his responsibilities.. Tell him you will be booking a week for yourself when he comes back.

SleepPrettyDarling · 29/12/2024 13:30

Eggegggoose · 29/12/2024 11:57

He is going to go away for a week as he says he needs space so I will be with DD, cat and dog for a week!! I’m imagining when I can get a week at a spa one day (never going to happen anytime soon!)

What a prince. I wouldn’t be bothering with the counselling sessions any more.

CraftyYankee · 29/12/2024 15:25

How nice for him that he gets to drop this bomb on you about a divorce and then announce he needs space so is going away for a week. The entitlement and taking for granted that he can just swan off and you will take care of everything is breathtaking.

The odds he is going on this getaway alone are slim. But either way he needs a sharp reminder of what single fatherhood will look like. Whenever he is planning on being back inform him you are taking the following two days for yourself. Go to a hotel for two nights, or to family if you're worried about money.

He has work? Tough shit, he can take two vacation days. He doesn't know how to take care of DD, animals, house? Tough shit, it's not your problem (of course don't let DD suffer but you need to make a point here). He's used to you facilitating everything for him as a SAHM and that train stops NOW.

If he complains, tell him it's only two days while he disappeared for a week.

And while you're gone put your phone on DND. Don't facilitate him AT ALL. True emergency, call your mother and she'll contact you.

I'm so angry on your behalf. Find your anger and use it.

MyPithyPoster · 29/12/2024 15:27

Eggegggoose · 29/12/2024 11:57

He is going to go away for a week as he says he needs space so I will be with DD, cat and dog for a week!! I’m imagining when I can get a week at a spa one day (never going to happen anytime soon!)

Yes.
Of course he is.
Dont be waiting when he gets back. Make a point of being out

BlackStrayCat · 29/12/2024 15:33

Well he has definitely checked out.
He simply does not give a shit.