Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

[Eggegggoose]

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

Because you didn't give much info in this thread about your situation I don't have very much to work with here. But I will say that you need to have a conversation with him. A conversation to gain clarity as to what went wrong since you honestly don't know. He at least owes you an explanation. I'm sorry you're going through this. Learning that your partner wants to divorce after 10 years I know is absolutely devastating. And my dear, you're going to need therapy to get through this because this will be a process and you definitely need resources and support. Unless he has a prenup you're entitled to something if he leaves you, especially without good reason. You need to try find representation so just in case he follows through with a divorce, you'll be at least okay. But try to talk to him. And when you do, ask all the questions you need to ask so you can try to figure out where his head and his heart is. You might discover something that you didn't know before which may make it easier for you to accept his wanting out. But gather as much info as you can and get an attorney as soon as possible.
Best Wishes!!

Its not at all unusual for serious meds to create crisis situations. Going down this route is creating hostility , mistrust and aggression that a meeting with counsellor/ doctor may well address in a positive way.

There’s one else and she’s kicked up shit because it’s Christmas. It’s not out of the blue. And I’m so sorry. It’s hateful, it would ge better if he were just honest. You don’t deserve that crap.

There is a lot of misinformation on this thread

If you can't afford to take over the mortgage - which you can't - then you won't be able to stay in the house. Mesher orders are very rare these days and certainly not for 13 years and you'd have to prove you can cover the mortgage and other costs...which you can't

Your child is 5 ....she is presumably at school so working full time is on the table and probably has been for over a year but you've chosen not to do it.

30 hours childcare or pre school would have facilitated working of some kind in the last 12 months

You've only been out of work for 5 years....don't expect a huge wedge of his pension

And he'll be given 50/50 in court - judges are very in favour of it these days even if there is evidence of abuse against the other parent

This is why I say a woman should never be a SAHM, go part time fine if you must. But, now you're fucked because he will walk off to the sunset with his salary and ability to buy another property meanwhile you will struggle on minimum wage. Regardless 50/50%, you're still screwed as every woman is entitled to that if married. If you continued working, you'd could have used 50% of what you'd get towards another property and take a mortgage out based on your salary. But then again, when people like me point this out we get called out for SAHM bashing. But, hey ho. You do you.

Totally with @ChristmasKelpie and @Hollietree

Don’t fall into trap of believing he can be your friend anymore. Get ALL the financial information you can (I know it’s the last thing you feel like doing).

Big hugs OP, I know you must feel the ground beneath you has been taken away but truly, get as much financial information as possible. Distance yourself from him (I don’t mean move but don’t engage with him). Get to a solicitor.

Lastly, it’s a rough rotten time right now but things will change and eventually you’ll right yourself. You might need therapy or GP. Lean on those who are there for you.

🌸🪷🌸

Not that I'm making excuses op (my previous post replying to kitten), just thinking if it's so out of the blue it might be down to the meds or even a complete identity crisis after years of not knowing who he really is (presuming he's late diagnosed).

Don't feel bad about being a sahm it made sense for your family. Like others have said you're married so you're entitled to things. I'd try and get into the angry need to get stuff done mindset and save the crying for after, get angry and determined lol. Screen shot everything financial for proof, definitely see a solicitor and look into benefits you can apply for in the mean time until you find work. Universal credit covers a lot of childcare costs.

Like others have said if he doesn't want to pay cm and goes for 50/50 then he does 50/50 EVERYTHING.

I do agree he's being nice to keep you sweet maybe hoping you don't rinse him. My mum's stbxh done the same but she isn't interested in his money and doesn't need it either. I do agree maybe speaking with his ADHD prescriber just incase it's the meds, but if it isn't, look out for yourself and your daughter and make sure to get what you deserve. X

@Eggegggoose i think you are putting yourself in a worse position not getting things moving instead of waiting for his mind to change. .

solicitor appointment. universal credit application as you are now single. .
who has the c.b paid to them if it’s him do an application asap .
He runs is own business you best get proof of all income before you and him are at logger heads.
Sit and discuss child maintenance payments with him . Ask what he plans to do about childcare costs is he paying half for that also ?

Then you can decide what you are doing about a job .

Don’t stress about holidays etc just now
Yes life is going to change but you have to get organised for it all .
Then you can Morn the end. .

I thought the main parent had the right to stay in the home until the children were 18?

Please get the best and toughest solicitor you can, You will not feel like doing that now but it is vital! I was blindsided like this and could not focus properly/ Kept listening to husband who, I discovered later, was keeping me sweet until he got what he wanted!

He said that no one else was involved and it was quite a while before I discovered he was enamoured of an eighteen year old student, I lost my home and beautiful antiques which I had collected. Be tough from the start.

@GossipGirliexo

re being a SAHM, you are totally right. I totally lost out in divorce. Have a son with multiple and complex disabilities and his school absences would have made it hard for me to work.

But I’m not SAHM bashing either, I just think it leaves women (and it is predominantly women) open to financial insecurity if in future, marriage fails and skills are outdated.

I'd have a word with his GP before you speak to a solicitor. If the change you noticed coincided with the meds that's something that needs to be investigated. And no, it does not mean that if it's the meds that it's just brought out something he was hiding beforehand.

Don't panic OP, you can get a job and you will be ok. See a solicitor and get some legal advice asap. Don't believe anything he is telling you, he isn't your friend and he will be looking out for himself. Please tell your family and friends, you will need their support. At the moment you are reeling from the shock, if you need to cry and talk, do it with a close friend. Keep your cards close to your chest with him and try and keep any discussions as unemotional as possible. When the dust settles, you will find the strength to make a life for you and your little one. And you will be happy again in the future even though you can't imagine that now. There is light at the end of the tunnel - hold onto that when you are struggling 💐

Not comparable with OP's situation though; you were arguing all the time and you were unhappy while for OP it was "out of the blue". There is always another woman. Always.

Has the personality changes/sudden talk of divorce only come on since ADHD meds? It’s not talked about enough (imo) but some common ADHD meds can cause serious (but reversible) issues in a small % of people - my OH went into psychosis and depression as a result of a high dose. Complete personality switch and out of character decisions. Old personality back within two weeks of ditching them. Is it worth exploring this with your husband and their doctor?

How is this helpful to the OP🤔

OP, I feel for you. My ex-partner of 20 years was recently diagnosed with ADHD. No meds yet but with stress at work and home (we had a poorly baby who was in hospital for a long time but is much better now) it took its toll on us as a couple. We only got engaged last year and now we’ve split. It also felt like it came out of nowhere. No one else involved. Just became intolerable to each other. We’re both so sad about it but don’t know how to move forward. It’s such an odd situation and we feel so lost but aren’t sure how to make things right. Lots of love there, we just can’t help but argue and bicker all the time. Sending you so much love and just know that you’re not alone 💐 Cry it out and definitely speak with a counsellor, it really does help order your thoughts and feelings x

I completely agree with you. It’s so cruel to say that to someone who is in shock that her marriage is ending. There is no indication that there is another woman in the picture and if there is, things are going to get even more painful for the OP. Telling her that when we don’t know just gives her yet another thing to worry and feel hurt about. It’s completely unnecessary.

OP you need to just get some breathing space for now and find a couple more people you can confide in and share the pain. Take screen shots of the bank balance but for now that’s all you need to do. Divorce is a long game and if you can do it amicably then great, if not then that’s fine too.

Yup, now OP will potentially face pension poverty and struggle in her old age. Gender gap isn't being improved either. Can't rely on a man/woman or anyone. Can't trust anyone.

It's helpful to remind her DD to never become a SAHM because of what happened to her. She can instil her daughter to have education, career and don't rely on a man or woman for that matter to keep her. Don't repeat the mistakes her mother made. As soon as more women realise relying on a man isn't the way to go, the less of these threads we will have.

Bless you OP.
There is another woman. My ex husband denied until he was blue in the face there was no one else. He lied. It’s what they do. I was like you numb and devastated. I took control and filled for divorce. Got a very good solicitor. Remember my love this man is not your friend. Don’t go along with anything thing says about looking after you. You look after yourself. Get a solicitor specialising in Family Law asap. Every thing goes through a solicitor, it will be costly short term but you will win long term.

I threw my ex out, I couldn’t bear to be around him. Emotional mess, going through all the emotions imaginable, but it got easier. Lean on people in real life, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is all on him.

I’m shocked he’s bombed your life and your little girls life on Boxing Day ! What a horrible man . He’s definitely been thinking and planning this a while and he is not your friend . You will need to be strong , show strength and be there for your daughter. This is only a temporary moment in your whole life . Everything will be ok .

No, though there are of course exceptions to this. If, for example, DH was a VV high earner and OP was unable to house herself. Most judges prefer a clean break. Both parties have the right to be able to pay for housing for themselves.

I’m not a lawyer, but know from reading on here and from experiences of friends/relatives getting divorced, in pretty much every case the house has had to be sold and smaller homes bought/rented, or one party buys the other out. OP needs to consult a solicitor though with her exact circumstances.

@arcticpandas , not always. Sometimes it's an Other Man.