What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

oh, OP you're clearly hurting and not quite in that zone where you no longer give a shit. It takes a while, but you will get there.

In the meantime, gently, they're adult children. Let them deal with it, whatever it is. It will be nice to see their dad at Xmas. Even if he's brought a surprise! Do what I do when my kids (not quite as grown up as yours, but teens) are at dad's for special ocassions - just invite a friend round. Not everyone wants to spend Xmas with family and not everyone has family to spend it with.

And this: If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine
again, gently, no new partner wants to be mum to adult children. Don't worry. The world will keep turning even though I know right now, it feels like it might not.

Best foot forward, time to find some new traditions, new stuff to eat, new stuff to do. Don't hang on to the past.

I think this sums up the majority view.

Have you thought about counselling OP?

^this!!

It's refreshing to read such a kindly post. Focus on it @JawsCushion and not the ones who have leapt on your case to put you down.

It was clearly a long relationship and it would be weird if you could move on immediately without a care in the world.

Feel sorry for the poor cow - she's lumbered with him now!

This.

Your ex does not need permission from his adult children to have his girlfriend around at Christmas. And what kind of 'support' would they need to make polite conversation over the mince pies?

You think adults can't get upset?

You have no idea how these YP feel.

And for whoever it was said that they're "not children" - yes they are. They're always your children. It's for life.

If your ex is as big a knob as you are suggesting, he may well have told her that the ( adult ) children really want to meet her ? that he has discussed it with them and they are all fine with it. Who knows what story this woman has been told ?
He is probably assuming that being at their Grandparents means that they won't want to react negatively for fear of upsetting them ?

Why is it crass to be willing to meet your boyfriend's family?

I don't get it.

The divorce is still quite new. How do you know how these young people feel?

At the very least he should have prewarned them to expect her. Imagine the shock of them rolling up and new woman snuggled by his side?!

You don't clearly.

Let me help you. It's crass for them to meet for the first time on Christmas Day.

He’s a dick but unfortunately for them they’ll be fully aware of that too.

From the way you worded this I thought they would be primary age.

Everyone is adults. He should suggest a quick dinner/drink to meet her beforehand so Xmas day isn’t “the” day, but would they take him up on it?

They are adults. If they don’t want to be there on Xmas day they can just walk right out.

If they think their dad is a dick, they can tell him so… and never see him again if they wish.

Do something special with your kids another time and let this go.

Yes i write him a letter telling him and my stepmother what horrible abusive parents they’d been. Needless to say we’re no contact. The stepmother died last year thankfully.

I get that you are devastated that your lovely children will be seeing their neglectful dad on Christmas day and at the same being introduced to his new girlfriend who they are most likely ambivalent about to say the least, while you spend the day on your own. It's grim for you.
I think that some MN-ers are reacting to the focus in your original post on the girlfriend: 'what sort of woman...' rather than on your ex, or even on the grandparents who are allowing your children to be put in what might be a difficult situation. The girlfriend has got together with a man who is separated from his wife and has adult children who she's been invited to meet at Christmas. She's doing nothing wrong.

Of course but being older helps. Even if the children were small unfortunately you don't always have any choice.

I agree, I don't the ex comes out of this well at all. Not telling the children is very cavalier. But I don't blame the girlfriend.

Let him get on with it, don’t join the drama (and don’t badmouth to the dc no matter how old).
I can imagine that it’s absolutely awful, I don’t think anyone truly understands unless they’ve been there. Lots of people assume that you automatically stop giving a fuck when the dc are adults but I would love for them to report back. It doesn’t hurt less, you just get used to biting your tongue.

I think OP is getting a hard time here.

it’s a pretty recent split & divorce. Ive been separated since early 2021 and divorced since summer 23. Had a new partner since end of 2021.

Neither myself nor my ex (who has done some toe curlingly dire things regarding a woman he got involved with and engaged to) have included new partners in our Christmas with the kids when it’s our turn to have them. They were younger than OPs - early to late teens then.

Clearly the biggest criticism here for lack of sensitivity is the OPs ex - but his partner does bear some responsibility. On occasions I’ve been slightly keener than my partner to include him in something kid related and he has flagged that it might not be sensitive. No way would I, as a partner, want to meet someone’s kids (adults or not) for the first time on Christmas Day. It’s just not ok.

I have lived experience and I think that op is being way ott. He hasn’t moved her in as happened with my mother and new partner as soon as I went to university at 18.

I think it is clear that you know your dc and you understand how they feel and if you think this will hurt them (because of their father's lack of interest in their lives generally and not talking this through with them first) it will. And not surprisingly.

Not sure if anyone else has said this as haven't read full thread, but can you talk to the grandparents and explain how your dc are likely to feel, and see if they can either put off the "meet the gf" until after xmas, or get their son to talk to his dc to find out how they feel, and to check that they they are ok with it?

To the people saying they are adults, they are, but young adults. Still vulnerable in some ways. They still have developing brains (apparently our brains carry on developing until we are 25!)

The 'kids' (adults) and 'girlfriend' (a woman likely in her 50s) ... mind boggling post. 😂😂😂

I'm going to be harsh here but as an adult child of divorced parents, it gets me so annoyed things like this.

If you hadn't said, I'd have thought your children were 5 years old. They are grown adults, I really don't think this is dramatic as you're making out. If they are uncomfortable they can tell him or they may choose to grin and bear it for their families sake, up to them.

I can tell you that in my case, it ended up being the initially wronged parent who eventually started losing my sympathy with their inability to just move on and not turn every little thing involving the other parent into a huge drama. Everything is a problem, everything is blown way out of proportion and honestly, most of us are just tired of hearing it now and tip toeing around their hurt feelings.

Your children are not babies and his girlfriend has done nothing wrong. I really do hope you're not saying all this to your children.

& that’s fair enough, I didn’t take into consideration how he may react. But in that case if the children are bothered by meeting their dads new partner then they can tell their mum who can voice it for them or possibly if they’re able to their grandparents… Either way they have the choice not to meet her, nobody is forcing them into that situation.

PS I hope that you just focus on the helpful posts here. Some posters are only here for the dismembering, giving the impression they'd have loved the Roman colosseum sports, just ignore.

They're not children, they're adults and even though it's a bit awkward they should act like adults and be polite

Also you're divorced so it's really nothing to do with you, don't waste your time stressing about it.

It's really not the girlfriend's fault either, all she's done is accept an invitation from her divorced boyfriend