What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

He considers her close family - the kids don't. Literally the point of the thread.

It sounds like he's not that into his children and so they are not that keen on him introducing his girlfriend (because - why would you want your dad who treats you badly to introduce you to someone he treats a lot better?), so doing it on Christmas day is a dick move by a dick dad.

But if he were a better father, his adult kids might be quite keen on meeting someone who's special to him and it would be perfectly possible for the first meeting to be on Christmas Day and for that to go well.

I would have been fine meeting my Dad's GF on Christmas day for the first time once I was 19 (and my dad was a bit of a dick but not as bad as your ex, by the sound of it). At 19 it would have been weird to meet my mum's BF for the first time on Christmas day but only because I still lived with her, so it would have begged the question - why not before? We had random adult guests at Christmas quite a bit, though. Someone's new partner, a distant relative we'd never met (and never saw again), a friend whose family was abroad, etc. All mucking in with aunts and uncles and cousins. Quite a good way to be introduced in many ways as other people around to take the pressure off or give you someone else to talk to, a focus for the day with traditions to follow so it doesn't get too awkward if it turns out you've got nothing in common.

I don't think the girlfriend agreeing says anything about her other than that she probably hasn't had the situation and family dynamics laid out to her fully by your Ex.

I agree with this. But why don't your adult children just come to you instead?

I really wouldn't worry about it.

I totally get it is infuriating.

He will do some performative parenting, your kids will see through his nonsense and consider him more of a dick than they no doubt do already.

Good for them to put their grandparents first - his nonsense will be sidelined. Put your feet up and have a well deserved break for a couple of hours and enjoy them on their return.

It’s awful.

Im not sure who’s worse, their dad or her.

Of course you don’t meet someone’s kids on Xmas day, regardless of their ages.

I wouldn’t even meet someone’s parents for the first time on Xmas day.

I swear half MNers are lacking common sense.

I would definitely give my kids a heads up and perhaps say it in a way where you think it’ll be good for them to meet her on a day when there’s lots of other things going on.

If you’re negative then they will be too and it will ruin their Xmas.

They can turn down his invitation if they’re unhappy with it. The only relevant point is that she’s going to be there because he wants her there.

Actually they can't because its the grandparents house and invitation amd he hasn't had the decency to tell them she's going to be there. They don't get a choice in it.

Christmas isn’t some magical time that mustn’t under any circumstances be ‘ruined’. For some people it’s just a few days off work, mince pies and telly.

‘If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine.’

Shes a widow without any kids. I can’t imagine any circumstances that she’d want to be a Mum to your adult kids.

Of course they get a choice? They can call to see their grandparents for a while and then leave, if they’re so offended that their father’s other half is present.
They’re adults, not preteens who have to be taken about by the hand.
They spend Christmas where they choose.

Kindly, you’re cross with the wrong person. She was invited and said yes. She wants to spend Christmas Day with her boyfriend. Your kids will go, see their grandparents, get presents, then come home to watch TV/play games with their mum.

They might decide she’s nice, but they won’t want to move in with her. She doesn’t know what a prick he was to you; he didn’t leave you for her either.

If you feel hurt, it should be him your feelings are directed at, rather than her.

I hope your Christmas is a good one, despite this.

All of this “will nobody think of the poor children” about a couple of 20 year olds frankly makes you come across as a bit nutty OP.

I’d reign it it if I were you.

I'd be missed off I'd my dad did that to me not long after a divorce. Christmas is supposed to be a special family thing not for introducing new partners. Gah!

Pissed off...

Re the girlfriend, surely she'd realise that Christmas Day isn't the best day for this? In her shoes I'd politely suggest to my partner that it mightn't be the best time. She's just some stranger as far as they're concerned.

That’s literally exactly what it is.

It’s one day a year where you try your hardest to be joyful and kind and not to ruin it for other people.

Not all families function in that way. Some don't see Christmas as this insular and exclusive thing but good will to all men/pull up a chair/the more the merrier and all that....

Maybe she just genuinely thinks the kids are up for meeting her or at the very least ok about it. He has probably told her they are, so if he has misled her, it's his fault.

For some people it is.

For some people it isn’t.

It's a bit misogynistic to just blame the woman in this situation.

Your DH shouldn't be doing it, I think he should have introduced your children to her before Christmas Day if they were going to spend Christmas Day together.

That's his fault, not hers.

Why are you blaming the woman?

Christ almighty she said it was him as well....!!

Why is it that mumsnet wants to attack women who call out other women's behaviour? She is can feel any sodding way she likes....!! It's her life, not yours!!

What the hell is wrong with this site, it's vile at the moment

Absolutely fine to call out a woman who is being out of order. But a lot of people on this thread don't think she is. There does seem to be a tendency for judging women through a harsher lens. All we know is that she will be around on christmas day 🤷‍♀️ that's it. She isn't here to defend herself or explain.

Good lord, they're adults. It sounds like you have the big problem with this. Yes it's inconsiderate of him to surprise them with this on Xmas day but it doesn't sound like it is going to be a surprise. Time to let your adult offspring manage their own feelings. No need for you to get in such a state about it.

I agree that the fact that the children are grown up is relevant .They do get to make their own choices .
I also think it is more on your ex than his girlfriend . I don't think Christmas Day is the best day for an initial meeting . You know that your ex is a twat though , so you have to dramatically lower your expectations of him .
I do not agree with people who are giving the OP a hard time . You can give your view without being rude / insulting .

To those of you that have not had the awful of experience of a break up with someone who has treated you badly , please try and have a little empathy .

There are so many factors that exacerbate how you deal with the break up and the time you take to recover . It is obviously still raw for the OP and I think for most people Christmas is a family time and it can be difficult to not compare yourself to happy families for those of us who are separated / with / without kids , or on their own . I do get that social media is false and an artificial snapshot . However this is still a time when there are lots of happy families about and it is normal to think - why don't I have that ?

I have read on other threads that it can take up to 2 to 5 years to fully recover from a divorce . I don't have any evidence to back this up .
The factors that would prolong this are ,
1.Length of the relationship .2
If you have kids & their ages .
3 . How you were treated in the relationship / marriage
4 . How the marriage ended / how you found out .
5.How quickly the ex moves on / replaces you .
6 . Your own mental health and circumstances

1. How the ex treats you and your

Kids after the split . 8 . What support including counselling& family support you can access.

So please try and not be judgey , if you think that the OP or others you may encounter day to day have not stuck to a reasonable timetable for " getting over it " , keep quiet . You will not know all the circumstances.

It can be incredibly painful and brutal for those of us who have to go through this . We worry for our children if we have them and how this will impact them . My self esteem / mental health wasn't at a great starting point when I found out about my cheating / lying ex .

Whilst I suspected that he would find a new relationship quickly , it is still devastating when you find out this is the case . For me it is the worry that he will continue to prioritise another person / hobby / his social life over his kids . It also feels incredibly crap that I am so easily replaceable as well .

@Candlesburn very well said