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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

281 replies

JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:13

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

OP posts:
Podperfect · 06/12/2024 13:00

Hey OP, Christmas is really tricky, especially in these circumstances, but just try and focus on you and moving forward for yourself, be happy and shine for your kids. Just cos they are going doesn't mean they are going to abandon you or take sides, they are older now. Try not to fall into the trap of weaponising the kids, however old they are, they are just trying to keep the peace. It's just one day and it sucks. The new woman probably doesn't want it any more than you do, so try not to make a drama out of it, grit your teeth and ignore as much as you can.

itsmabeline · 06/12/2024 17:05

Candlesburn · 06/12/2024 09:30

I agree that the fact that the children are grown up is relevant .They do get to make their own choices .
I also think it is more on your ex than his girlfriend . I don't think Christmas Day is the best day for an initial meeting . You know that your ex is a twat though , so you have to dramatically lower your expectations of him .
I do not agree with people who are giving the OP a hard time . You can give your view without being rude / insulting .

To those of you that have not had the awful of experience of a break up with someone who has treated you badly , please try and have a little empathy .

There are so many factors that exacerbate how you deal with the break up and the time you take to recover . It is obviously still raw for the OP and I think for most people Christmas is a family time and it can be difficult to not compare yourself to happy families for those of us who are separated / with / without kids , or on their own . I do get that social media is false and an artificial snapshot . However this is still a time when there are lots of happy families about and it is normal to think - why don't I have that ?

I have read on other threads that it can take up to 2 to 5 years to fully recover from a divorce . I don't have any evidence to back this up .
The factors that would prolong this are ,
1.Length of the relationship .2
If you have kids & their ages .
3 . How you were treated in the relationship / marriage
4 . How the marriage ended / how you found out .
5.How quickly the ex moves on / replaces you .
6 . Your own mental health and circumstances

  1. How the ex treats you and your
Kids after the split . 8 . What support including counselling& family support you can access.

So please try and not be judgey , if you think that the OP or others you may encounter day to day have not stuck to a reasonable timetable for " getting over it " , keep quiet . You will not know all the circumstances.

It can be incredibly painful and brutal for those of us who have to go through this . We worry for our children if we have them and how this will impact them . My self esteem / mental health wasn't at a great starting point when I found out about my cheating / lying ex .

Whilst I suspected that he would find a new relationship quickly , it is still devastating when you find out this is the case . For me it is the worry that he will continue to prioritise another person / hobby / his social life over his kids . It also feels incredibly crap that I am so easily replaceable as well .

That doesn't make it the new girlfriend's fault. It is ok to say don't be judgey, but it is in response to a very judgey post, so he who is without sin..

Of course the ex is the problem, big time.

sharpclawedkitten · 06/12/2024 21:05

adriftinadenofvipers · 05/12/2024 19:29

You don't clearly.

Let me help you. It's crass for them to meet for the first time on Christmas Day.

Show quote history

Why? It's probably the obvious time to meet because everyone is together.

Sothisiit · 07/12/2024 12:26

I know this is a hard one for you and as you say it's not really in good taste from your exh. Your kids however are old enough and well able to make up their own minds about the behaviour.
As you have said they are going to see their grandparents and are not particularly interested in the new woman.
It's hard but you have to leave them to draw their own conclusions about the situation and lack of contact and interest from your ex. If you add in you own understandable resentment it will not help.
You sound like you're doing your very best for them, focus on this positive aspect instead of the negative.

Sorteed · 07/12/2024 14:09

I think it’s your ex that is being insensitive.

I can see why it hurts but I don’t think the new gf is doing anything wrong in particular.

Colourfulduvets · 08/12/2024 17:48

I get it. Something very similar happened to me.

In my situation the new partner suggested the meet up. She had already met our kids but wanted to meet the rest of his family so asked to be invited to an annual Xmas Eve family event which we had always done & obviously I had always been part of but wasn't any more.

I found it very hard and according to the kids it was all very awkward & uncomfortable.

It's just difficult at Xmas I think because traditions can be so entrenched & familiar so any changes feel huge. I also think kids of any age revert to seeming younger at Xmas too which might be why your kids don't feel happy about it.

I agree that your exH is only thinking of himself but I imagine this is nothing new. The new partner is innocent in this but I think your exH could be setting her up for an awkward, uncomfortable afternoon which even he might regret when it happens.

So I do understand where you are coming from but I do also agree with others that you have to just let it go, let it happen and distract yourself while it does.
Chances are it won't be great & you won't be missing anything xx

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