What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

I think you feel threatened that she will take your place and unfortunately your reaction is a bit crazy. If you start bad mouthing it will only look bad on you. It’s a bit odd meeting for the first time on Christmas Day but just accept it for what it is. I don’t think it reflects badly on her, just him.

Your children are adults and if they didn't want to go they wouldn't.

Why would she try and 'be mum'? They're adults.

I don't think the gf has done anything wrong. Her and her partner want to spend Christmas together, I really can't think of anything wrong with that.

Is this your first Christmas separated? If so I'm really sorry as it must be really hard for you but your ex hasn't really done anything wrong. Also interesting that in your title you heavily blame her for this 'deplorable' behaviour when it's your husband that extended the invite.

The intricacies of family dynamics last throughout life and a stranger being introduced into the family group on Christmas Day is a bit much without prior agreement.

On another thread these same posters who are deriding you @JawsCushion may well agree that uninvited guests shouldn’t turn up unannounced at dinner parties. But your kids aren’t supposed to have feelings because they’re over 17?

Don't know why you’re getting such a hard time.

They aren’t little kids. Why are you so invested in it all? It’s for them to sort out surely. And the rules about introducing partners apply to small children, not adults (and even then, 5-6 months in is fine in many cases). It’s not ‘wrong’ to introduce adult children after the first date if that’s what he wants to do 🤷‍♀️ Weird maybe but not wrong or traumatising.
Your post seems to be putting blame on the girlfriend. I’m not sure why really - doesn’t seem she has done anything wrong.

When I read the first sentence I thought the DC were going to be very young. They're adults. Yabu I'm afraid.

I am not being melodramatic. What an awful thing to say.

Clearly I am upset with ex as he's been a useless father since we split, he's treated me appallingly before and after the divorce and has moved on very very quickly.

I was curious as to why a woman would think this is okay.

But you carry on being unkind if it makes you feel better.

You are being over dramatic. Big time.

Maybe it does seem like an attack but I was curious, rather than full on critical of her. It isn't something I would do, I was wondering how she can.

I don't care that people are disagreeing with me, I just feel sorry for them they can't do it in a pleasant way.

They aren't children, they are adults. I think you need to chill a bit.

Thank you.

You'd be surprised..

Who invited her, your ex or his parents. If they thought it was that dreadful they would have dissuaded him surely.

How long have you been separated/divorced?

Bad handling by your ex as regards the adult DC, and I agree his girlfriend accepting the invitation doesn’t bode well for her emotional intelligence or social skills.

Not at all. I've kept my feelings away from the kids. That's why I'm here, to talk it over but what a decision that was.

Why wouldn’t it be okay to meet your partners adult children at a Christmas do to which you have been invited? What precisely do you think is wrong with this woman accepting her invite? The idea that she’d try to be a mum to your 23 year old is laughable. She will probably be nice and polite and that’s it.
How long have you been divorced?

From her perspective, she has been invited to see his family at Christmas - his parents and adult children.

Given they are adults, and given the fact she has been invited, I can't imagine she will have given much thought to whether the people she's agreed to spend Christmas with might secretly resent her or not want her there - why would she think that?

I think it's unfair that you'd judge her for accepting an invitation when it was your ex-H who did the inviting - it doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong.

I've been there, OP - this stuff is hard to deal with, even when the DC are adults and it will sting, but the best way to deal with it is to make your own plans and spoil yourself to take your mind off of it - your DC will be spending quality time with their ageing GPs, so hopefully they will have a nice time anyway, regardless of their dad's clumsiness.

It does get easier over the years, and one day you'll find that you can just roll your eyes and let them get on with it - you have to go through this kind of shit first to get to that point though!

I don't feel threatened at all. She can't ever take my place. I would never bad mouth. I'm not stupid.

If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine.

Well they are adults so that's not going to happen, is it?

You are over reacting massively to this. So what if she is there? If they like her, great - and it would be great because having someone in their dad's life that they didn't like would be worse. If they don't get on with her, no harm done.

Second Christmas.

Im pissed off with him. I just wanted to discuss a different angle.

For those who think it’s shit and crass? Why? Because it’s Christmas? Or because they’ve only been together a few months? When is it okay to meet adult members of your partner’s family. I’m curious as to what people think is wrong with it.

Explain how.

I am asking a question. I'm being very calm in my responses. This is supposed to be a place to talk about things like this.

How long have you been separated? You seem very sensitive to this which I think is a surprise for many posters as the "children" are almost all in their 20s. I would understand your position completely if we were talking about actual children!

Honestly OP, I think you are understandably upset about the separation / how your ex has treated you and you are projecting it on this woman. It might help you to talk about his terrible behaviour as I have no doubt you will get support for this and it might help heal some wounds. She might just be at a lose end at Christmas and has no idea how much her presence is making you feel hurt.

I don't think you need to worry about the kids. It sounds like they see right through him, which is most likely a credit to you.

Thanks. That's my point.