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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

281 replies

JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:13

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

OP posts:
MyGoldHedgehog · 05/12/2024 18:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DearHelper · 05/12/2024 18:14

OP I mean this kindly. Why do you have such a big problem with this new girlfriend of your ex husband? She’s seriously not doing anything wrong.

CortadoPlease · 05/12/2024 18:15

Even my kids have said off their own back it's the wrong day and too soon but carry on.

Why can they not say that to their father? Its a perfectly reasonably message and opens the door to making an arrangement everyone is happy with.

Walkden · 05/12/2024 18:16

"This is supposed to be a place to talk things over and get support, ideas and advice."

Don't you think it's a bit much to be so controlling you tell strangers on Mumsnet what they should be posting?

You wanted to talk things over but don't like the opinions and/or advice you were expecting so accuse people of not using Mumsnet forums they way they were intended.....

Onetimeonly2024 · 05/12/2024 18:19

Some of the posts on here are vile. As a step child (even an adult one!) I wouldn’t have wanted to meet my potential step mother on Christmas Day. As a Step Mother I would absolutely not have agreed to meet my potential step children, even if they were adults, on Christmas Day. Add a nasty divorce into the mix (which is sounds like this is) and I would have avoided all of it. YANBU op xx

RosieLeaf · 05/12/2024 18:19

It’s not for you to decide that he’s moved on too soon. That’s absolutely nothing to do with you. I think this is your main issue. You feel discarded. The other posters in the same boat have similar issues - There are very few options for the poor ex wife who has been forgotten by the in-laws in favour of their son's latest squeeze.

This is what happens when you split. People move on, some faster than others. There’s no right or wrong.

AgaNewbie · 05/12/2024 18:21

I’m really sorry that you will be alone on Christmas Day. I’m sure I would feel sad too in your position. Especially being apart from children when you have probably spent every Christmas with them since they were born. That must feel terrible.
I hope the day goes quickly for you and you find comfort from friends.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/12/2024 18:22

As the ' children ' are actually young adults, there is nothing to discuss.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 05/12/2024 18:24

It sounds sensible to me. Meeting like that when there will be other people around and distractions like crackers and presents will be a lot less pressure than a meet up with just your ex, his partner and the kids. Any potential friction or awkward silences will be softened by general Christmas hubbub.

Tara336 · 05/12/2024 18:25

I'm sorry your feeling like this, divorce is damm hard and when children (adult or young) are involved it's even harder. I don't think men see things in the same way as women do. Have you been divorced long? He may see it as you have moved on now and not see the issue. My exh thought it was fine to take the new GF/OW to visit our DD at uni and then post videos on Facebook of her and my DD. Obviously I was deeply hurt and angry and when I spoke to him about it he genuinely could not see the problem.

Sometimes exh do things without thinking and it's not aimed to hurt you (but it does anyway). I'm glad I spoke to exh about it at the time but now I keep a dignified silence and let him look like the idiot that he really is.

Autumnblackberries · 05/12/2024 18:25

RosieLeaf · 05/12/2024 18:19

It’s not for you to decide that he’s moved on too soon. That’s absolutely nothing to do with you. I think this is your main issue. You feel discarded. The other posters in the same boat have similar issues - There are very few options for the poor ex wife who has been forgotten by the in-laws in favour of their son's latest squeeze.

This is what happens when you split. People move on, some faster than others. There’s no right or wrong.

When was your separation @RosieLeaf - has it been long?

Letsgetalong · 05/12/2024 18:25

Onetimeonly2024 · 05/12/2024 18:19

Some of the posts on here are vile. As a step child (even an adult one!) I wouldn’t have wanted to meet my potential step mother on Christmas Day. As a Step Mother I would absolutely not have agreed to meet my potential step children, even if they were adults, on Christmas Day. Add a nasty divorce into the mix (which is sounds like this is) and I would have avoided all of it. YANBU op xx

I feel sorry for this woman. All she has done is accept an invitation to spend Christmas with her boyfriend.

Why do people always scrutinise, nitpick and judge the 'new woman' so much ☹️ and assume she is going to be a problem? She has really not done anything wrong and the OP has chosen to focus in on her.

AngelinaFibres · 05/12/2024 18:26

JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:25

Some lovely comments, some blasé and some unkind. Was ever thus.

My DC will go as they want to see grandparents, ex h will play billy big balls at my amazing kids, but the fact is they'd rather not. They are prioritising grandparents and ex h gets the benefit. Clearly, it's not easy to brush these things off given the history.

Let it go Op.( I have been where you are so I know its easier to say than to do). You are their mum. Nothing comes close to that. They are adults so they can spot Disney dad behaviour a mile off. They are going in order to see their lovely grandparents. The rest is just stuff and nonsense. Get yourself some treats, choose nice things to watch on the TV, write a list of lovely things to do/ future goals for 2025. You and your children are a team. The rest is just outside noise.

ginasevern · 05/12/2024 18:26

"I think it says something about her that she's going along with it."

I think that's a spiteful comment. You make it sound as though his girlfriend is going along with something utterly bizarre, deeply sinister or even criminal! She's been invited for Christmas day where she will also meet his adult children. It's not exactly "out there" is it, and it hardly makes her a craven floozy or a weirdo. As for "playing mum", she's not likely to do that with two grown ups is she.

Lalalol · 05/12/2024 18:27

JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:32

Wow.

I've told the children they must, and can, choose to do what they want and I'll support them.

Clearly I'm upset as he's thinking of himself and not the children. He hasn't even told them never mind asked if it is okay so there is a real chance they'll turn up and she's there as he doesn't know I've told them and he'll say nothing.

If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine.

This is about his shitty behaviour but I wanted to discuss a different angle.

This is supposed to be a place to talk things over and get support, ideas and advice.

As long as you feel okay though, eh.

Edited
Show quote history

Not many people are desperate to start acting mum to kids that age. I wouldn’t worry.

Dweetfidilove · 05/12/2024 18:30

As dad lives at the grandparents, it's quite likely the children are going to him, but are placating the OP.

If he has a big family this is probably an ideal time to meet her, as they can gravitate towards family members if girlfriend makes them uncomfortable. Much better than a sitting with just her and dad, where you're forced to sit out a meal or such.

SilverChampagne · 05/12/2024 18:31

Tara336 · 05/12/2024 18:25

I'm sorry your feeling like this, divorce is damm hard and when children (adult or young) are involved it's even harder. I don't think men see things in the same way as women do. Have you been divorced long? He may see it as you have moved on now and not see the issue. My exh thought it was fine to take the new GF/OW to visit our DD at uni and then post videos on Facebook of her and my DD. Obviously I was deeply hurt and angry and when I spoke to him about it he genuinely could not see the problem.

Sometimes exh do things without thinking and it's not aimed to hurt you (but it does anyway). I'm glad I spoke to exh about it at the time but now I keep a dignified silence and let him look like the idiot that he really is.

Why were you so hurt? That they visited your daughter or that he posted a photo?
Assuming it wasn’t the first time they’d met, what is so idiotic about that?

Viviennemary · 05/12/2024 18:32

If they don't want to meet her they don't have too. Children have no obligation to accept new partners IMHO.

JaneAustensHeroine · 05/12/2024 18:32

I’d think of it this way…

If I were in a new relationship but would otherwise be on my own for Christmas and my partner invited me to his family’s home for Christmas Day, I would accept. I wouldn’t be thinking about anything other than it would be nice to meet his family and have a nice, sociable day with other people. That’s all.

mamajong · 05/12/2024 18:34

Yanbu to be bothered by it, especially as there is history and you will be on your own. However your DC are adults and should be free to decide for themselves without your input, and if they want to raise it with their Dad and/or gp they can. If they want to go to keep the peace you need to get them and rant to someone else if you need to

Ladyof2024 · 05/12/2024 18:40

The new girlfriend cannot win, can she?

Had she refused to meet your children on Xmas Day she would have been characterised as that haughty stuck up b1tch who would not meet your children on Xmas Day!

Tara336 · 05/12/2024 18:43

@SilverChampagne taking OW to meet our DD a couple months after she started uni and 6 months after I'd discovered they were together is pretty nasty, finding out inadvertently when he posted a video of other woman with my DD even nastier. He is an idiot if he thought that any part of that was OK as I would not dream of doing something like that but then I'm a nicer person then him. Dd didn't want him visiting uni with OW but he ignored that request as well. I'm well rid.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 05/12/2024 18:44

I think I’d need to hear the drip feed to comment properly. On the face of it, it doesn’t seem quite as shocking as you feel it is, hence the comments.

AlexP24 · 05/12/2024 18:48

Yeah it is really shitty of your ex husband - glad for you that you aren't with him anymore, he sounds really insensitive. His new girlfriend doesn't have her own children and she may also not have anyone to suggest to her that this might not be the best time. I say that because I was with someone who had older children when I met them and I was childless myself, so I made decisions that were unwise - including when I first met them. I regret them now I am older and have my own children. Your children are young adults but as most mums know, they can be hurt more at this age than when they are younger. So I absolutely feel your pain. I can't understand some of these responses at all - I would assume many of those responding saying 'they are adults' simply don't have young adult children. You feelings are not misplaced OP, and I would also be hurting. He is a shit. Be glad he's someone else's problem. Your children will be fine, they will be polite and friendly and then come home and relax with their mum - who no one will ever come close to.

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/12/2024 18:49

Stop babying them. They are not children