Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

281 replies

JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:13

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

OP posts:
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 05/12/2024 16:16

The “children” are grown up! It’s not really your business, sorry OP

Hatty65 · 05/12/2024 16:16

Honestly? They are adults.

It shouldn't traumatise them.

casapenguin · 05/12/2024 16:18

I think potentially a lot of new girlfriends would think this is ok.

Alalalala · 05/12/2024 16:20

No I get it OP. It’s crass and clumsy. I hear you.

ZippyLimeSnake · 05/12/2024 16:20

I think this runs deeper for you than what it truly is.

Your children are adults, so if they don’t want to meet their dads new partner they can tell him that, they can see their grandparents another day & say it’s too soon & they feel uncomfortable. Nobody is forcing them.

I understand from your end this is probably frustrating & upsetting especially if he isn’t very present, but again, your children are at an age where they can voice this to their father themselves.

Brombat · 05/12/2024 16:22

Meh, she got an invite and didn't think it through on this level, why would she?

Your DC are adults, she's not the OW and life moves on.

ProfessaChaos · 05/12/2024 16:25

The kids are adults.

If she's been invited by him then it's not really for her to decide whether it's right or wrong.

If they were 5 year old kids I'd think it odd if she didn't question if it was ok. But as the kids are adults I think it's up to them if they go.

Original poster
JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:25

Some lovely comments, some blasé and some unkind. Was ever thus.

My DC will go as they want to see grandparents, ex h will play billy big balls at my amazing kids, but the fact is they'd rather not. They are prioritising grandparents and ex h gets the benefit. Clearly, it's not easy to brush these things off given the history.

OP posts:
Alalalala · 05/12/2024 16:26

I think people sometimes forget that young adult children can still feel these things very deeply.

TheMixedGirl · 05/12/2024 16:27

Brombat · 05/12/2024 16:22

Meh, she got an invite and didn't think it through on this level, why would she?

Your DC are adults, she's not the OW and life moves on.

Totally agree. She was invited to his parents she said yes. She would likely be there regardless of the kids.
I don't think it's as big a deal to her as it is to you. The kids are grown ups.
You're being hysterical OP.

Tessasanderson · 05/12/2024 16:29

This says more about you than it does about exH.

Your children are actually young adults who are more than capable of making their own minds up. I hope you havent vented any of your opinions about this on them in passing. They might just enjoy this persons company, find they are a nice influence on you exH and have a great time. Is this whats actually the issue?

Iwanttoliveiniriscottage · 05/12/2024 16:29

They are not children. They are adults who can voice their feelings.

Original poster
JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:30

TheMixedGirl · 05/12/2024 16:27

Totally agree. She was invited to his parents she said yes. She would likely be there regardless of the kids.
I don't think it's as big a deal to her as it is to you. The kids are grown ups.
You're being hysterical OP.

Show quote history

Hysterical? Are you laughing at me or you think I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
SilverChampagne · 05/12/2024 16:32

They’re adults! How will they be traumatised by being in a room with her, they already know she’s in their Dad’s life.
Calm down.

Original poster
JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:32

Tessasanderson · 05/12/2024 16:29

This says more about you than it does about exH.

Your children are actually young adults who are more than capable of making their own minds up. I hope you havent vented any of your opinions about this on them in passing. They might just enjoy this persons company, find they are a nice influence on you exH and have a great time. Is this whats actually the issue?

Wow.

I've told the children they must, and can, choose to do what they want and I'll support them.

Clearly I'm upset as he's thinking of himself and not the children. He hasn't even told them never mind asked if it is okay so there is a real chance they'll turn up and she's there as he doesn't know I've told them and he'll say nothing.

If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine.

This is about his shitty behaviour but I wanted to discuss a different angle.

This is supposed to be a place to talk things over and get support, ideas and advice.

As long as you feel okay though, eh.

OP posts:
Original poster
JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:32

SilverChampagne · 05/12/2024 16:32

They’re adults! How will they be traumatised by being in a room with her, they already know she’s in their Dad’s life.
Calm down.

Calm down. Jesus Christ. I am calm. Just not feeling happy with his actions.

OP posts:
MisterPNumber23 · 05/12/2024 16:40

JawsCushion · 05/12/2024 16:32

Wow.

I've told the children they must, and can, choose to do what they want and I'll support them.

Clearly I'm upset as he's thinking of himself and not the children. He hasn't even told them never mind asked if it is okay so there is a real chance they'll turn up and she's there as he doesn't know I've told them and he'll say nothing.

If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine.

This is about his shitty behaviour but I wanted to discuss a different angle.

This is supposed to be a place to talk things over and get support, ideas and advice.

As long as you feel okay though, eh.

Edited
Show quote history

Crikey, you sound ridiculous.

Your children are adults, I hope they choose to behave like adults, and not get whipped up into a histrionic frenzy by their melodramatic mum.

Bobbie12345 · 05/12/2024 16:41

I think the problem OP is that you set this up as an attack against the girlfriend. You asked what kind of woman would do this. People are disagreeing with you and you don’t like it.
I think this is possibly a bit crass from your husband’s side, but a non-issue from his new girlfriend’s side.

Autumnblackberries · 05/12/2024 16:41

Sorry OP.
The replies here are shocking and I think people just come on these thread to enjoy invalidating your distress.
I get it.
It's shit and crass.
I wonder how many of the respondents above have any lived experience here.

Bobbie12345 · 05/12/2024 16:42

And what on earth are you on about? ‘ as long as she doesn’t try to be a mum to them’? The youngest is 19!

FlabbergastedByTheGorgons · 05/12/2024 16:43

Sorry but they are adults, not little children.

Keleshey · 05/12/2024 16:43

If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine.

They're adults who already have a mother, no woman would try to play mum in this situation surely?

WorkCleanRepeat · 05/12/2024 16:43

I don't think the girlfriend is doing anything wrong here. She has just accepted an invitation.

I assume she will have been assured by your ex that it will be fine.

It's not as if the children are actually children!

HappyTwo · 05/12/2024 16:43

You said she was widowed - she prob just wants to have nice Christmas like everyone else. Your children are adults they can choose not to go if they want to

Keleshey · 05/12/2024 16:45

My DC will go as they want to see grandparents, ex h will play billy big balls at my amazing kids, but the fact is they'd rather not.

Are you sure they'd rather not? or are they just saying they're going reluctantly to mindful of how you feel?