What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

The drip feed is he lives with his parents so he’s invited his partner to his home for Christmas. Which is neither shocking nor despicable.

Well said x

It’s crap for you, but it shouldn’t be anything of the sort for the kids. It’s always going to be a hard thing for you to accept, I assume. But he’s moved on and there’s no reason to not include his partner at Christmas.

I have kids of a similar age and I can’t imagine how crappy all these firsts must feel. But I also have some friends who’ve split and have nothing but admiration for the ones that don’t let their kids (also young adults) get the first impression that they’re pissed off about anything.

How to say I'm a bitter ex without saying I'm a bitter ex...

Total golden uterus syndrome.

OP, I know you don't want to listen to what anyone is saying unless they are agreeing with you but for your own sake you need to realise that life goes on, and build a lovely new life for yourself. Stop being controlling.

I didn't like my Dad's partner and family around at Christmas when they first met and I had my own children by then! (partner ok, kids not so much)

And we were never included in the discussion, we were all just expected to be there

I know what you mean @JawsCushion

They're not children.
A stranger who has never met them has no responsibility to consider what's best for these adults.
If you think these adults do need protection that's up to you and their dad. Nothing to do with the girlfriend.

Assuming she is not a moron she will know that relationships with “ adult” children and ex wives are complicated. Divorce so very often isn’t pleasant for anyone. If she is smart enough to take a back seat, encourage a positive relationship between her bf and his children, she will come out better, in the end, in my experience. And actually, as an adult, how hard is it to put the children first? Even if they aren’t children now?

I can understand your hurt feelings OP after what must have been a tough 18months for you.

But, kindly, your children are young adults and your Ex H is exactly that an Ex. So he can do as he pleases with who he pleases. You probably find he's said to his gf oh they will love you etc etc.
Either way it's all the new normal that you have to adapt to him living his life how he pleases. Whilst I can understand that's tough on you and adult DCs aren't too chuffed with it, you will send yourself in circles if you dwell on it too much and he's still going to do it and not give 2 hoots about it.

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time on here. Your ex is obviously an arse.

That being said, I can't agree that the GF is at fault here, or morally/emotionally lacking for accepting the invite. She presumably is under the impression she's welcome and that there are no objections. We have no idea how the invite was framed, or what her alternative was. She really hasn't done anything wrong, and would have no reason to think she has.

It still sounds raw for you, so I hope you find a way to distract yourself when the kids are out and otherwise enjoy your day.

I'm sorry you've had a shit time with this OP. However... YABU to project your feelings about her onto your children. They are adults and can tell their father what they think and whether they are comfortable with it.

My dad has swanned off and set up with another woman, we told him to fuck off when he said about bringing her down to meet us.

Your kids will do the same if they don't want to see her. If he springs it on them and doesn't tell them, that's on him to deal with the repercussions but do not tell your kids how to feel about this, they have their own thoughts and feelings about the situation.

I do think it must be hard to have once been part of a family with the in laws and then suddenly have no contact any longer following divorce. I’d find that hard too - almost as if all those years didn’t matter.

BUT you have to let it go. None of it has anything to do with the new girlfriend. She deserves happiness too and even though you think your ex is a wanker, maybe they will be happy together. Many people’s exes say not nice things about them and it doesn’t mean they can’t have a good relationship with someone else. If he wants to spend Christmas with her that’s totally normal.

If your kids have an issue with it why don’t they just drop the presents round and then make an exit?

You are projecting your feelings on to this. Almost blaming the girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with hee spending christmas with her partner, why would she not? Its not too soon you have been split up at. Least a year and a half, your children are adults and there is nothing wrong with their dad putting himself first although i think only you see it like that, you need to move on as well and stop wallowing in misery. You say your children dont know how you feel about this. I can assure you they do, just from your replies on here i dont believe you have said nothing.what your ex does is non of your business

How does it make you feel about yourself when you make comments like that?
Astute?
Smart?
Unkind?
Insightful?
Helpful?
Empathic?

I agree he should introduce them first on a different day. However you don’t know the GF real opinion here, she may also think that they should meet first but he hasn’t organised it if he is a bit rubbish.

The problem is that some divorced parents don't, deep down realise that although their relationships have come to an end, those between the children and the other parent never will. Blood and bone. I totally agree that some parents divorced and otherwise are utter rubbish and in time adult kids see that, but in many situations they decide to step outside their parents dislike of each other and do their own thing. They may say what they think each party wants them to hear but they ultimately want a relationship with both and that is their right.

Yes she may well do all of those things you have said above. I don't think any conclusion can be drawn that she is a malicious, overbearing or indeed moronic person just because she has accepted an invitation.

Of course I do, do you understand pedantry? You are chastising OP for using the very normal way of describing one’s offspring.

You're obviously not happy with his actions now and you're not going to be happy with other things he does in the future but you will just have to deal with it unfortunately. You are no longer together and he doesn't need your permission.

Exactly! What sort of mum do you think she would try to be, OP?. With 3 adult children?

She's doing nothing wrong at all.
Your ex should be warning the kids that she'll be there though.
He may be a shit father - but the lady in question is blameless here.

It's a bit crass for her to meet them for the first time on Christmas Day - I hear where you're coming from. But remember, there's a reason why he's an ex!

I doubt he's thought very much about it tbh. She isn't going to be any form of mother figure - she's not a mother herself apart from anything else.

Try not to let the shitty replies upset you. I swear for some it's a spectator sport!

Mine is one of those ages and won't voice to their father any issues. Because he sulks, strops etc and our child doesn't want to deal with that. The conflict is too much for them. So all I can do as a good parent is to be flexible.

You should really let that go then shouldn't you....

Nasty.

You're assuming that she knows your ex was/is planning on springing it on them.

One poor woman my ex dated turned up to meet our girls full of enthusiasm as he told her they'd asked to meet her. They knew nothing about it.

She's very likely just a woman who has accepted an invitation. Nothing more.