What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

Haven't read replies,phone leapt to comments box.so,here we go...
My guess is you.ll have been illuminated to fact this is ALL about you.
NOT your adult children,who as aware of plan at liberty to direct deal with dad if miffed.
Your husband's parents can invite who ever they choose to their home.your ex may have been a twisted reprobate who drags you through hell at break up.
Still their son, he's always kids dad.
Your tone n temperament in op is heavily weighted to the "aftermath" of break up. You project your hurt anger disgust n all but weaponise the kids for continuing to have rship with dad.
That's a shame,billy big balls couldn't actually have selected ANY day for intro you be ok about.
His gf/partner is REALLY unlikely to "start playing mother".
I know it's hard as hell when it's all been corrupted.you and,like it or not,your children are ALL grown ups.so at least there's that

I agree. Perhaps his parents have met her so it won't be too awkward for her. Your adult children can do as they please.

If they don't want to meet her for the first time on christmas they could try and arrange a meeting before hand? A shorter meeting like getting coffee with her and their dad?

She's their dads girlfriend and they are adults. They will need to meet her at some point and whilst I understand that your parents divorcing is upsetting at any age, he hasn't actually done anything wrong in getting a girlfriend and wanting to spend Xmas with her and his family.

if it's really too upsetting then I'd suggesting staying away on Xmas and seeing their grandparents another time or popping round for a short visit.

I dont think she is doing anything wrong, she is a widower with no children, spending Xmas day with her partner of a few months, where he lives, sounds perfectly normal to me.

That his adult children are dropping by as well is also not a big deal, life can throw a lot worse curve balls than that. And if she is making their dad happy thats usually a good thing for kids.

In the kindest possible way I think perhaps this is more an issue for you than anyone else. If the split was unexpected and not wanted I can see how hurtful this would be for you. By contrast if he initiatied it and was well prepared in advance, a year will feel like longer to him. No judgement, we all grieve in different ways, but I think a counsellor would be a better place for you to share your hurt than here, where people can be very unkind.

Do you know that the girlfriend definitely know his children will be there? Do you know that she knows he isn't telling them she ll be there?

It's fine OP. They're adults. He's an adult. Festive occasions are often when you end up introducing people to your family as that's when families get together.

If they were small kids living with him it would be different, obviously. But adults it is fine.

Yes kids may find it awkward seeing dad with someone else. Having a ceremonious introducing meeting would be more awkward though, I think it's probably much better all round to have the distraction of festivities.

I think maybe you're mixing up your frustration at his general uselessness and pain from recent divorce up with what seems like a pretty normal time to introduce a new partner to (adult) family members.

Also if she does start playing mother (although I doubt she will) again your adult DC can deal with that. There's literally no indication this woman will want to do that. She's not an evil stepmother and isn't the OW. From her perspective she's just a woman dating a divorced man, she's widowed and may not have anyone else to spend Xmas with.

Unfortunately it often doesn't work like that in the real world. In my situation their dad hates me (he had the affair, not me), so anything to do with me and he becomes enraged so me asking him to think of our joint DC's feelings would probably, judging by prior experience, result in legal letters and a court date. His parents (not particularly relevant here) just supported their son from Day 1, so anything I said was me being a bitch etc. So I step back. I drop the rope, so the DC are not caught in the middle. But their father still manipulates. Nothing I can do about that. So you say not forced - well they are by emotional manipulative behaviour. And of course some young adults are more mature than others. So a 19 year old male might be less mature than a 19 year old female (when it comes to emotions, relationships etc).

I don’t see the problem here tbh.

I’d be extremely surprised if she’d want to try and “be mum” to adults she doesn’t know lol.

She forgot to mention initially that her ex actually lives with his parents so the girlfriend probably goes there often, not invited especially to meet the ‘children ‘

Sorry forgot to add. I don't think the new girlfriend has done anything wrong. Just accepted a kind invitation from her b/f's parents (really) to spend Christmas Day at theirs.

In answer to your question: any new girlfriend who has been invited to spend Christmas with their partner and parents. She may not even know the children are going to be there. She would certainly assume that, if she’s been invited, it will be OK and that his parents are happy for her to be there. She would also think — wrongly, maybe — that adults do not have to be introduced with the same level of care as young children. And definitely the thought of playing mum will be very far from her mind.

To be honest the 'your kids are adults' comments come from people who aren't or ever have been in a situation like this.

They want to see their grandparents. The new gf is nothing to do with them. She can meet them at a time that's NOT meant for close family being together.

Congratulations to your sbex, he's found a female version of himself, sure they will get along famously.

Well she doesn't have children so I think that makes a big difference. Also he asked her and she'll want to spend it with him....so it's all on him I'm afraid. Don't waste your energy thinking about her

The issue that I think people are having here is that you say “it says something about her that’s she’s going along with it” - presumably the only involvement she has had is that she’s accepted an invitation - which is perfectly reasonable.

If you should have an issue with anyone it should be your ex husband, however as your children are adults they can make their own decisions - I feel there is a lot more to this than just them meeting the new woman - which is understandable if there are still feeings, anger and hurt over your breakup.

They’ve presumably been together for 18 months, he clearly does consider her close family and wants to spend Christmas Day with her.

They are adults and hes not responsible for them or you, they are seeing their father on christmas day, thats what people do, hes moved on and you dont like it, you sound as mad as a box of frogs to be fair

@SilverChampagne if she was really close family surely she would have met the kids by now?

OP, I’m going to say this gently. What your ex did in the past, etc was clearly distressing, but you sound pretty resentful. He has a girlfriend and has moved on, and your children are grown up. Yes, I can understand why you don’t like that his girlfriend is involved in family events, but for your own well being, you have to let this go. As one of the other posters said upthread, I might get some therapy to deal with this resentment. Resentment and anger will eat you alive.

They’re adults. They’ll either decide she’s ok, she bearable, dad likes her but I’m a bit meh, she’s funny, she’s boring, she’s clever/ not clever, and any other variation on human personality.
Presumably they meet people all the time in their work/college/uni lives so have social skills to deal with this.
Girlfriend might well be an ex by NY so I wouldn’t be too invested.

So called ' co-parenting' can often be an unfair, imbalance of care. I get why you're angry: you do all the work, and he waltzes in to play Disney dad for a day, with a new GF. And there is nothing you can do about it. It just is one of those life situations where we need to suck it up and make the most of the situation. You're luck your kids are not little and at his mercy. Maybe deep down you wish they would object to this, though children & YP often choose the path of least resistance. And maybe they know him better than you think, and this is all in keeping with the father they have come to accept (and love). Take this time for yourself. Take a break to do something for you, whatever that may be. Seeing hugs x

There’s something in that, I suppose…
Nevertheless, he wants her in his home on Christmas Day so he can also host his children; they have the option to make the visit as long or short as they please.

Ditto
Treat yourself to something special at Christmas OP, u deserve it

I once went on a double date for a second date with his 18 yr old daughter and her BF. Struck me as a bit odd. But I didn’t have an issue with this, Christmas after a few months seems totally normal. They’re not little kids.

seriously my spidey senses was twitchin re-if grandparents n her had rship already.. As said there is unlikely to EVER be a day op be alright about intro.
@JawsCushion If hes a billybigblls insteda of letting it keep festering -maybe reframe where your heads at now.
treat yourself to a day of peace +pamper?n merry little christmas...you prob wasted enough time energy emotion on him now.
your kids-will alwys be your babies,but truth is they are grown.we all only get one mum-your irreplaceble. x