What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

Don't care he's got someone new. Care he's putting himself before our kids.

From my own experience, OP, I think this is just going to be the theme of your feelings toward him over the next few years.

There's a reason you two split up, after all.

You can't force someone else to be a good parent, and while it can be hard watching the other parent make choices you wouldn't have made, especially when they have the potential to upset your DC, it will become easier over time to accept that this is unfortunately out of your control now.

I'm sure you can think back to times you had to carry ex-H in terms of his parenting choices when you were together - well now he's still him, but he's making all his parenting decisions himself.

The best you can hope for is that this GF (or whoever he ends up with) is supportive of his relationship with the DC - I don't think her mere acceptance of this invitation is evidence of anything in terms of her regard for the DCs' feelings, though, as you really have no idea about her attitude to them based on this alone.

You know exactly what I mean. The way she’s referring to them is as if they were infants - or at most, teens.

My point is (quite clearly) about word usage, not a dictionary definition.

Perhaps he thinks it won't be as awkward with other people there to chat to and split the focus? Perhaps he hasn't actually told his girlfriend (or hadn't at the time she accepted the invitation) that he's also invited his children? I really don't think it says much about her at all, except that she's possibly too trusting of your ex. I also don't think it's as extreme as you feel. Your children are adults. They can decide to attend or not; they can engage with the girlfriend or not; they can tell their father they don't want to meet his girlfriend yet or not.

I completely agree.

It's shit of him, thoughtless not to ask kids before setting up a meeting and especially so on Xmas day... But absolutely not her fault at all

I can imagine she'd feel awkward turning down an Xmas invite from his parents and she could be worried not going might look like she's snubbing meeting his kids tooAsI expect she feels quite apprehensive about the day too! As you've said she is not the OW so she is entitled to accept and invitation to meet her new partners family on any day of the year.

But what words should she use then, if she cannot refer to them as children?

Try to let it all go. If it is a serious relationship she would meet them at some point anyway. Just support your kids with any feelings they may have and try to put your own upset to the back of your mind and let it go. (Easier said than done). I can understand why you would still be raw over the split and him swanning in to take over on Christmas Day. Could you arrange to spend sometime with your family or friends to help take your mind off it?

The children are adults. Surely they can make their own minds up about how they feel?
If they don’t like her or the situation they just won’t choose to see him at Christmas again. But that’s entirely up to them at this point.
I don’t think it’s right to bash her. She probably doesn’t see your children as children (because they ARE in fact adults) and I doubt she’s thinking it’s going to be her playing happy families with her new step children. Christmases just aren’t that big a deal to a lot of people once children are grown up. It’s just a convenient day when they are all together with no work commitments. As good a day as any to meet them, because actually as adults it just isn’t a big deal. They aren’t going to be traumatised by girlfriends coming and going anymore.

Most people would say “My sons are 19-23 years old”, or “DS 19 and DD 23”, or something along those lines in a typical mumsnet post.

It’s incredibly odd to say “the children are 19-23 years old.”

Are you the OP under another username by any chance?

but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them.

@JawsCushion you will certainly miss them but neither your ex, and even less his gf, will have any joy in seeing them.
And somehow I dint think that ‘playing billy big balls’ will have any positive impact. Maybe he’ll be able to say he saw his kids fur Christmas. Well yes he’ll have SEEN them. Not spent Christmas with them iyswim.

Having said that, the gf might have said Yes for many reasons. You dint know what your ex has told her. He might have said they’re happy to meet her or that they’re happy he has found some happiness with her. If she doesn’t have children herself, she might not have realised how crazy the ‘they’d love to meet you’ is. Or he might pushed with a thick layer of guilt or whatever (you’ll know. He won’t changed his spots)
Or maybe she is the type who wants to insert herself into their life and play ‘mummy’ iyswim.

Hard to say but both his and her behaviour on the day will tell them all they need to know. And he is the one who will loose out.

Can’t the “kids” visit their grandparents on a different day?

On 25th Dec when I was 19 I was steaming the wall paper off the living room walls of the house I’d bought that summer……

I feel for you....but your anger should be directed at your ex husband mostly, not the new girlfriend. She's widowed & has no children so is probably just grateful to be invited for the company for the day.
BUT your ex sounds awful, he doesn't see his children hardly ever, then makes a big effort on one particular day.
Plus she's not his 'partner' as some have said, he's been with her for a few months, so I'm thinking about 12 weeks - hardly a 'partner'.
I personally don't think she should be being introduced to family so soon, but that's just my opinion.
I understand you OP...

Based on your posts, your ex was a shit husband and unsurprisingly, a shit father.

This has no bearing on his new girlfriend though. He's entirely responsible for his behaviour towards his children.

His girlfriend is effectively dating a divorced man, is not the OW in any sense of the word, so is free to take up the invitation. Given their father doesn't even bother with them, how aware would she be that they take issue with her? And why would they, when she's not offended them in any way (you say she wasn't involved in your divorce)? Or has she offended them?

Hysterical and histrionic are misogynistic terms.
They have no place on a women's platform.
Just saying.

Read your op.

Its not about why would HE invite them.

Not about why HE isn’t interested in his own kids. Not about HIS decisions.

It’s about why she would say yes. Probably likely because he told her it’s not a problem. Why wouldn’t she believe him?

You fell for his crap long enough to marry him have kids with him and stay together along time. Why wouldn’t she believe him at the moment?

They aren’t children. They can opt to see their grandparents another day, if it bothers them. They can tell their grandparents they don’t want to meet her so will see them another day.

OP the last 18 months must have been really tough so it’s understandable that your emotions will be a bit all over the place, especially at this time of year.

It’s thoughtless and clumsy of your exH to want the kids to meet new gf on Christmas Day and I get why you’d think it’s strange that she would agree to it but you don’t know what he’s told her. She might think the kids are absolutely fine with it and are looking forward to meeting her. She may end up finding the whole thing very awkward. This is all on your ex.

I also don’t think any sane woman would try to mother the adult children of her new bf.

If the kids would rather just see their dad and grandparents on Christmas, could they not pop over for an hour or so before new partner arrives?

I get it op.

I think both, your children are adults and you are being hugely over dramatic.

you need to take a step back from this situation the only person who is suffering is you. See it for what it is take the anger away from yourself

This. He may be bigging himself up to the new GF as a marvellous father and of course he may not be that, but there is no indication that she's done anything other than accept an invitation to spend Christmas Day with her BF and his family.

Also, they are adults and can decide what to do. I suggest you let them.

You’re not over the divorce I see , get some help ( in a nice way) Nothing despicable from his part , he’s taking his girlfriend around his parents house, your adult children will be there as well, what’s the issue?

He actually lives there.

That's a massive drip feed OP.

Your ex has invited his girlfriend to spend Christmas with him, at the home he lives in.

I dont think it's the best day for him to introduce his girlfriend. He really should introduce them to her before, even if its just briefly. Realistically, as adults, if they are uncomfortable, they have the capacity to make their excuses and leave. I dont think she's doing anything wrong. He's their dad and it's his job to priorities their needs above everyone else's. It's his job to know what they will and won't be comfortable with. It's really nothing to do with this random stranger.

She thinks it's ok because it is ok. As other's have pointed out, they are grow ups. I think it's actually a good time to do it rather than a formal meeting up without their grandparents being there.

Well said.

OP it sucks - Xmas brings up all sorts of emotions, the ex is an arse and you are well shot of him.

Concentrate on making a life for yourself- don't let this worry you x