What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

What is the girlfriend doing that you wouldn't do?

They might prefer an initial intro not to occur on Christmas Day, but really, if they feel strongly about it they can say so. They're young adults. She wasn't the cause of the end of your marriage and life moves on, people form new relationships.

I'm fairly recently divorced and have 2 young adult kids and a little one. The 2 older ones (uni age and older) are interested in my dating life and if I've been on a few dates with someone I like, they're interested to meet them. The little one (5), I wouldn't introduce to anyone until and unless I was firmly committed to the relationship. Your children are not little.

Perhaps if so many of us are not understanding you could try explaining it better?

To be fair, it might just be something like GF would be spending the day alone and so he invited her as he still wanted to see his parents and children at Christmas, rather than be on his own at hers.

I think this is a better scenario than if he sacked off the rest of his family and went and stayed with GF instead.

But I can still see why OP feels hurt by it when they've only been split up 18 months. Even if I had a full day myself, I think I'd still feel a little upset at what used to be my whole family spending the day together but I've just been switched out. Irrational of course, but I can understand.

Your adult children have voices they could discuss it with their dad surely.

I actually feel sorry for the girlfriend.

He's clearly an arse. You know it, your kids know it and it's only a matter of time until she figures it out. She's in for a shit Christmas with people she doesn't know, who don't want her there.

YANotBU.

Weird replies.

Absolutely no issue at all, they are adults not children and should understand that their parent has a life. Also note they had met a few months ago

I would think this was ok. Christmas is a nice occasion, meeting my boyfriend's adult kids at Christmas, why not? If my boyfriend told me it was fine I'd assume it was fine.

I think the reason you’ve had some of the replies you’ve had OP is because of the way you framed it, as “what woman would do this” when actually all that woman has done is accepted an invitation to spend Christmas with her boyfriend. If their own father hasn’t made any big deal about his own kids then it probably hasn’t even entered into her head that they will be there, or that it’s a big deal. He is her partner, she’s taking the lead from him as we all do in new relationships as to what is okay/suitable. He’s invited her and is happy for her to meet them so she’s following his lead and accepted, she hasn’t done anything wrong there. So YABU to think this is an issue with her.

It is a bit rubbish from your ex, sounds like he isn’t the best dad and your split sounds difficult and I am sorry for that. I can see why it would upset you but unfortunately the reality is your children are adults, relationships are part of life, and at least they are old enough to see things for what they are.

She won't be trying to be mum.
She might try to be their friend
They just need to be polite
Presumably they well used to their dad s behaviour
Do not even think of it.
Arrange a lovely day for you a nice walk or book

The best advice I got when separated was to stop thinking and talking about ex all day long.
Put him in a box on the shelf.
Him and his gf
If your dc want to talk to you about him and her listen and nod. That is all.

Think about you

Not any time wasted on him or his gf

I agree with this.
I am sorry your exh is a dick but the actual scenario sounds ok to me. By getting annoyed about it you're making it a 'thing'.

I introduced my now dh to my younger dd at Christmas, she had been away at university and hadn't met him until that point, she was excited to meet him (eldest had met him as she was at home) neither batted an eyelid at me meeting him and knew from the start that I was seeing him.

I think this is on your ex, not her. He's their father and up to him to work out.

If I were the girlfriend, I'd rather me your children beforehand, but if I enjoyed my new boyfriend's company and I was welcome by him and his parents, that would trump keeping people happy I'd never met.

How do they know about the invite, did their dad speak to them about it?

You say your kids don't want to meet her so no, Xmas day would be an appalling time to do it. Unless you've made some common ground and they've warmed to her before then.
Don't make things more awkward. Why don't you ask your kids what they want to do, and see if you can compromise. Your gf must have her own family.

Forgot to say, I have a 22 year old and there's no doubt she would be discussing this with her father if she wasn't happy.

None of this is her fault .. why would she think about it, I think you need to chill out and let it go

They are adults.

The children are old enough to think for themselves. At this age if I had major objections (which I probably would, as Christmas for me is a family time) then I’d say ‘I’m not coming if you’re bringing her’. I understand it’s hurtful for you but I don’t think what’s upsetting you here is her meeting them at Christmas, it’s them playing happy families on Christmas Day. And a part of you really wanted the kids to say ‘well we’re not coming then’, and they haven’t, and that hurts. And that’s ok to get upset and mad about.

In the nicest way, you need to move on now.

And there are no children in this scenario, both are adults.

If I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my boyfriend’s family I would assume everyone was okay with that and it wouldn’t occur to me that some people wouldn’t be happy that I was there. Poor woman. She’s done nothing wrong. OP if you do speak to your children about this then I’d encourage them to be kind to her - their issues with their dad are not her problem and she shouldn’t be subjected to hostile behaviour from them because they are angry with him.

People are understanding, they’re just not agreeing, which you don’t like

They are OP’s children. What should she refer to them as? Her adults?