What new girlfriend would think this is okay?

[JawsCushion]

To meet her boyfriend of a few month's kids for the first time on Christmas day?

The children are 19-23 years old.

I know my ex h is a dick for this as he's invited her to his parents house without discussing it with our children but I think it says something about her that she's going along with it.

The children aren't interested in meeting her or knowing anything about her. They'll go to see their grandparents and put up with him and her.

This is the latest thing on a long long list of despicable behaviour from him since the end of our marriage. He has no idea of huge things that have been happening for the children this year. He barely calls them, I can't remember the last time he saw them.

So Christmas Day afternoon I'll be home on my own for a bit, which is fine, but it's hard to take that they'll be with my children. Getting to joy of seeing them when ex h does fuck all for them. She has none of her own, she's divorced then widowed and wasn't the OW.

Thank you.

IMO nit an issue. They're all adults- different if they were little kids.

Your children are adults. Why can't they visit their grandparents independently of their father?

I'm lost. You say he's moved on so soon. But if this is your second Christmas separated then it's been over a year?

I don't see what the woman has done wrong.

He did. He lives there. They'll say yes as he's their son.

Divorced a few months.

Don't care he's got someone new. Care he's putting himself before our kids.

I can see where you are coming from JawsCushion, but I don't think the OW is the issue here. I think maybe it's the frustration about how your exh acts/has acted.
I also have older children & it really annoys me that he does the bare minimum of parenting & the minute a new woman is on the scene, or there's a boast to be had he's suddenly the gold standard of parenting. Sorry if I'm off the mark here, it's so frustrating.
Of course the kids will make up their own minds & you will alway nd No1 in their eyes.

As your children are adults who've gone round to see their grandparents, surely if they don't approve of meeting their father's girlfriend they can just say 'nice to have seen you' to their grandparents and then leave? They aren't being forced to meet her or stay in the house with her? They have freedom of movement and choice as to where they are; if they don't want to see her they don't have to. OK, it might cut their visit a bit short, but they could still see their grandparents. Unless XH and New Woman are turning up at the crack of dawn, then kids go, visit until their dad turns up and then go home.

Okay well that’s a matter of opinion (the calmness). Anyway the over dramatic thing:
First, I’m not sure why it is an issue that he introduces her. They’ve been together several months, no cheating etc. You have been separated a good while too.
Second, you are making her out to be the villain (what woman would think it was okay). Why precisely would it not be okay?
Third, the comments about her potentially trying to be your adult children’s mum are very odd.

They aren't children?
If they are uncomfortable with it they need to talk to dad or arrange to meet her first in the next few weeks

I think I've made my point, sadly many of you aren't understanding my interest here and are making things up for your own entertainment and can't seem to find the way to make a point in a way that is constructive.

We split last summer, we divorced this summer

Even my kids have said off their own back it's the wrong day and too soon but carry on. I said nothing about what I think about it before I get the you've influenced them crap.

You're way too invested in what your xh is doing.

They're not children. Let them get in with it.

I can understand why you are annoyed. But I can see why she accepted the invite. I don’t think you need to worry about her playing Mum to a 23 year old. I imagine it’ll all be rather civilised and awkward. If he’s as much as a shit as you describe, the children will have got the measure of him. Like you said, you should be proud of them for going for the sake of their grandparents.

If they were 6 and 9, I would be fuming.

OP do you really want to hear anything other than you are right?
was she OW? Do you think she will be unkind to your children?

Sorry OP, I thought your children were going to be young, in which case I would have agreed it was inappropriate. But at 19+, I don't think it's that big a deal, especially as they could choose to just drop in on him there for an hour or so if they prefer.

If they like her, she's nice to them and doesn't try and be mum than that's fine.

Sorry, but this ^ is a bit of a weird worry. Why would she try to 'be mum' to 3 adults, and on the first time they ever meet as well? I think you are worrying over nothing at their ages OP, sorry to say.

I'm sure it's really shit for you thinking of your children spending part of Christmas with your ex's new partner, especially as it's only your second one separated - are you perhaps feeling a bit down that he has this new partner and has drafted her into the "family" Christmas? That's understandable. You had obviously been together a long time to have children of their ages, and 2 years separated is not long in the face of that.

But try and take a step back and know that your children are adults now and they will be OK, yes your ex could have chosen a better day to introduce the new partner as it will make Christmas a little less chilled all round, but ultimately they will be get through it and can still have a great time when they celebrate with you.

She’s not even the OW. And she seems to have met her partner when he’d already been separated nearly a year. I just really don’t get what the issue is if they spend Christmas together.

Have your former PILs complained to you OP that they don’t want her to be there?

I feel sorry for her…

I personally wouldn't introduce a new relationship to my family on Christmas Day as it would all feel a bit much (for the partner and for the family) to meet for the first time at such an intimate time - imagine if they didn't get on for any reason.

It would just feel like a lot if unnecessary extra pressure all round.

That said, I can absolutely see why this might happen in lots of families, for example if the relatives live far away and so it's the only opportunity to get together, or if a family is used to hosting extra people (uni friends whose folks are abroad, etc) at Christmas, etc.

Everyone does Christmas differently, so some people would see this as really odd, whereas others might regard bringing a random new person over on Christmas Day as completely normal and a non-issue.

I expect the fact he’s been an arsehole previously is, understandably, affecting your reaction to this and somewhat clouding your view, but as a standalone, this isn’t the big deal you seem to think it is, imo. You’ve been separated quite a while and I’m assuming there was no cheating with this particular woman(?) so realistically it’s just your adult children meeting their dad’s girlfriend at a family occasion. Pretty normal, all things considered.
I don’t think it’s a reasonable assumption to start saying she’s going to try to play mum. That’s not to say it’s impossible but it’s unlikely, I would say.

I don’t see an issue with this at all. Spending Christmas with people he cares about. The children are adults so I assume there’s no opportunity for them to meet her before but why should he be without his girlfriend on Christmas Day. He can want to see his dc and his girlfriend, that’s not a crime.

He lives there? So his choice is either spend the day at home and see his partner and his kids, or spend the day at hers and not see his kids?
I suspect you’d have equal issues with the second one, seems like he can’t actually win.

If he didn't tell the kids he's invited her, how have you found out?

Hmmm, it's not the most thoughtful thing to do if it's only been months. He could have left it to another day.

I don't know how acrimonious your parting was as to whether he's cocking a snook at you or just all enthusiastic about his new relationship..

I don’t think it’s too big of a deal at their age to be honest. She likely doesn’t either. She was invited to her partner’s house for Christmas and accepted. If she did question it he’ll have reassured her it’s fine.

That’s fair enough I guess. But it’s quite common for this to happen - eg when I was at uni I spent Christmas with my boyfriend’s parents for the first time - nobody freaked out or was scarred by the experience. I was also invited to a friends house for Christmas one year when I was having problems with my family - her parents took pity on me and thought the more the merrier.

Too soon? You’ve been split up for 18 months. Life is short. Move on.

If your adult children think it's the wrong day to meet their Dad's new gf on Christmas day perhaps they should communicate that to their Dad beforehand and they can arrange to meet before then so it makes Christmas less awkward all round.

The fact it may be awkward for them to meet then and in front of grandparents won't have crossed his mind because it's just not something most men would think would be a problem. Suggest they meet up sooner for a drink or meal. But I suspect deep down that you just don't want them to meet his new partner.