Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

I absolutely did not want my ex back when he left but also went through a period when I felt like this. It was almost like mourning for the life we had planned and wasn't going to happen anymore. Facing up to the reality of doing it all alone.

Ex also paid lip service to seeing the kids, not much effort and all on his terms. Now he's found a new woman and settled all of a sudden he expects to be dad of the year again. Think he was incapable on his own but wants to father again now.

I'm sorry you went through the same feelings. Are you doing better now?

I'd be amazed if h got with anyone else but even if it made him be a better father the kids would tell him to get lost if that's what it took.

My ex served me with divorce papers two years ago.

He tried to divorce me when we were living abroad but I didn't want to divorce under that system so I first had to get him to withdraw the petition and return to the UK.

He doesn't have any assets. He doesn't really want access to the DC. I don't love him or want him back and didn't start divorce proceedings because I don't want to engage any legals again and even the quick. Gov divorce which is supposed to be simple I just don't want the admin or even want to pay the few hundred quid hence still actually married.

It's been almost 4 years now since he left and yes the really sad period actually passed pretty quickly. I just focussed on the kids and building my own life. I don't feel sad anymore as those dreams were never really going to happen in reality and he's been such an awful person I couldn't ever imagine being with him again. And yes, my eldest wants nothing to do with him and can see right through it. Youngest who's 13 does still see him but isn't really bothered either way.

Sadly, I am still stuck in the martial home with the children as been on the market for 15 months and sales falling through etc but hopefully all properly be over soon and I can get rid for good!

Also I am the lucky one. I am closer to the children now, we have a lovely peaceful life without him and we have a relationship we never would have had if he was living here.

So the only advice for your children would be to be the steady stable one in their lives, there to support them and have their backs. Sadly they will realise what he is like and his relationship with them will deteriorate accordingly.

I'm struggling with how much it is costing me to get divorced when it's all his fault tbh. I'll be asking that he reimburses me.

I'm so sad for the wasted years and I'm desperate to move. If you'd like to PM the rough area where your house is, you never know it might be where I want to move to. Some amazing luck if your house is just what I need!

I know I'll be better once I don't have to live here anymore.

I'm definitely supporting the children but it is breaking my heart for them how he is being.

@BirthdayRainbow I am trying to give my DC the best life possible. I think that's really important as my parents divorced and it was very expensive and very messy and I believe my siblings and I went without certain things as the divorce cost so much.

I see any money a divorce costs as being money taken from my children and I have very big issues with that. I've also wasted a lot of money on legal fees before and I don't want to make the same mistake.

On a practical level I tried to do the conscious parenting thing and even paid for the ex to come on holiday with us once but realised I couldn't do it and I was better off on my own. Its been tough but I do feel accomplished sometimes.

I think I just felt overwhelmed and still do a bit but it does get easier.

Unfortunately I was right not to do what he wanted which was split without legal representation so spending money on this is not a choice I had.

@BirthdayRainbow Well in my case half of F all is F all so I didn't want to pay someone to tell me that.

I may need it at some point but that thought fills me with dread.

I also split with my ex last summer OP. I go through ups and downs with it all. It was all expected and we've been cordial since. He is shagging someone else already. And I'm wondering who this strange man is who looks like my husband but does stuff like watches bake off and goes to Costco on a Sunday morning.

I initiated the divorce practically a year ago, and its only now, after the conditional order has been granted, he tales legal and financial advise so just when I thought it'd soon be over, looks like it's going to drag on for months longer. It feels like a spite thing on his behalf. But on the more positive side of things, I have a lovely new dp supporting me through this and am helping him with his divorce questions and paperwork too.

@BirthdayRainbow I'm struggling with how much it is costing me to get divorced when it's all his fault tbh. I'll be asking that he reimburses me.

You might have difficulty with recovering the divorce costs if you are the one that is making the application. He could argue that as it was your idea, you should pay.

In my case, it was my ex who filed for divorce and paid the court fees for the divorce application.

I applied for a settlement order as I was sure ex was hiding assets and money in particular. However, as applicant I had to prove everything.

Several hearings took place and legal costs spiralled. I ended up worse off as the pot to split was diminished. Judges ruled I had unreasonably refused fair offers from my ex and I had to pay their costs too.

I'm fine paying the fees to get divorced. I'm not fine paying the solicitor when h has multiple times the money I have.

Stuff h making any offers. It is joint money.

It is joint money.

Jointly owned does not necessarily mean it will be split equally if courts become involved. Division of assets is usually based on needs of both partners and what is available.

We aren't going to court. It will be a collaborative meeting. It's not going to be 50/50. That's already agreed. Obviously it's based on what is available.

Today I'm feeling sad. How can you be together with someone nearly 30 years then go to nothing? Not talking never mind seeing each other, trying to be friendly or even civil. I'm questioning the whole relationship now 😢

@BirthdayRainbow I'm not sure if this helps you but I still feel like I have good days and bad days. On the very painful days I just sit with it for a bit and know it will pass but my feelings change all the time.

My kids saw my ex for the first time in a month at the weekend. I had to facilitate the visit and cannot bear him being under my roof. I am still hurt but I think my life is so much better without him in it.

It is a waste of time questioning the relationship but we've all been there!

Thank you.

I know it's the right thing. It's just been a shock how he's been. I've learnt a lot about myself and it is hard to know I've doubted myself all these years when it was him..

I could've written your post. Definitely don't want to get back together but feeling so sad about the divorce. We separated last year and filed for divorce together a few weeks ago. I think my sadness is about the loss of that ideal family I thought I had (which of course really didn't exist, I know now). I feel so sorry for the kids (both adults). And I feel like an idiot for the things I endured only to have H call time when he was done.

For me, there's a sense of failure too. I was raised in a religious environment where people are married for life. Still, divorce is definitely the right thing and mostly I've been much happier. Just some days, like today, still suck.

I'm sorry @howtocope . I wish you a lovely bright future.

I am fine with not having my husband anymore but I seem to have lost all his family too. I don't have any so it's tough. And my children have been badly let down by him too. One hasn't seen him for nearly a month and another hasn't had a message off him in 3 weeks 😥

Yes, similar here. H definitely doesn't parent, not that he ever did much. Now, it's basically zero, He spends time with one of our kids going to football matches, but hardly sees the other one, which is causing a lot of hurt. It breaks my heart.

H is like a stranger now. I look at him and wonder how I was ever attracted to him. It's the oddest feeling after three decades together.

You're mourning the change. Not him.

I know. I've not missed him since the day he went. I'm not mourning the change. I'm mourning the waste of time I think.

@BirthdayRainbow I get that. We'd been unhappy for years and I started thinking about all the signs I missed even before we married and I was thinking why didn't I leave sooner. I would have found a way.

I'm in the right place now and I like my job, my house and my friends but I find life really stressful most of the time and I don't know why or how I can make things better.