Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Then say I know you don't want to buy him anything because you can't be arsed. I'm certainly going to be having words about mine lying.

How's everyone doing ?

Hi@BirthdayRainbow

Absolutely no change here. Just trying to hold it all together. I have had a few tricky days at work, I have had no contact with the ex since the weekend because I need distance from him and I've had no response from my OLD app. I've not been in touch with the other bloke either because I just don't feel like I'm in the right frame of mind at the moment. But apart from all that I'm fine lol!

Have you made any progress?

Hello ,
my ex and I have been separated now for a little over 5 weeks.
He is living downstairs and me upstairs, all things done separately etc.
we have two kids together and a joint mortgage.
I called universal credit today to ask for help as my ex is not rushing to move as yet but, apart from the mortgage pays nothing else.
im now beginning to struggle for money. Do I wait until he eventually goes and struggle on or try again with universal credit or child maintenance.
Many thanks

@Whsthappensnow I am glad you have had space from your ex. You definitely need it. Try not to stress about work. Use it as a good distraction from the ex. With regards to no response from OLD, if you aren't in the right space for the man you like then I wouldn't be bothering about anyone else right now. If you aren't in the right frame of mind then it isn't fair to see someone who might be ready for a relationship. Make you your focus. You don't need a man ever but certainly not right now. It will happen when it is meant to.

I have spoken to my daughter and know for sure h has lied about her. I have told my MIL what he's lied but not the details other than it is about my daughter. I also said the dc and I are paying for the price for his actions. My solicitor is on leave now for nearly two weeks so on it drags. So annoying as I don't know when I can put the house on the market and I need to move.

Was supposed to meet up with a friend yesterday and they cancelled in the morning, said they would ring me later then didn't. Not even when I asked in a text if they were going to. So annoyed as it happens a lot but they are too important to me to stop contact. Today I have my therapy so I'll talk about all the crap with my ex but not with this friend as it will only get me wound up.

Welcome @Em4891 I am sorry you are in this position but maybe it is a good thing for you? Your first step is to book a solicitor appointment. If you file for divorce rather than him you get to control the speed of everything. Filing is just under £600 and you can do that on line without a solicitor. You will need to check the box for needing a financial order. You need the solicitor for all the financial matters. You will need to try again for financial support if he isn't giving you anything. He has to pay for you and the children until divorce and then for the children afterwards. He may have to pay you maintenance depending on your situation. If you are 100% certain this is over then there is no point hanging around. It all takes so much longer than expected in my experience. Take care.

@BirthdayRainbow Sorry your ex is telling lies about your DD, that’s awful. And sorry you are in limbo with the property, how frustrating.

I find it really interesting about your friend letting you down because in my own experience, once my marriage fell apart I started noticing problematic behaviours in more of my relationships.

From having 4 besties before my breakup, I have ended up with just one left (2 of them I cut contact with and one died). I absolutely don’t tolerate being treated the way I wouldn’t treat others anymore. My time is too valuable to have it wasted by people who don’t appreciate me. I see it as making space for new friends to come into my life.

Yeah I think I'm going to delete all the apps and just take a step back and try to look after myself. I do have plenty of things to look forward to.

@Em4891 That situation sounds unbearable. I did it for a bit and it actually made things worse but the UC system doesn't help at all. Just try and remember it's not forever and you will find a way eventually.

Re friends I have said before I got terrible advice from mine and don't have much to do with my old friends now. However whilst my issues at work are with management and the system in general but I have amazing colleagues. So my new job has been the way to make friends. We all start later than the others and meet in town for breakfast after the school run and travel in together it's become my favourite part of the day and I'll actually miss it in half term! Space for new ones and not having time for people who don't have time for you? Absolutely agree!

@BirthdayRainbow I don't have much patience with solicitors at the best of times sorry to hear its all dragging for you and hope it doesn't delay the move too much.

I hope the therapy session goes well today.

@Didsomeonesaydogs I am definitely being more careful with friendships. In that what I tell them and how much I message/chase for a response or look for support. I'm seeing a friend soon and I'm going to judge what I say as she has been very judgemental in the past and I'm not willing to be judged again. I am sorry you lost a friend when they died🌺. I hope you meet some good friends soon.

@Whsthappensnow thank you, my therapy went well in that it helped but I ranted and cried. She said good, she's been waiting for it and it is what she is there for. I have also made a decision re h and have emailed the assistant to my solicitor to let them know so they can organise the meeting. I have also found a house that I think might be the one. It is small but cheaper, looks like it is ready to move in and is quirky enough that what I thought might mean it is a no might actually make it right for me. Different enough to feel like it is mine. Hoping it doesn't sell before I get the time to view and money to buy it.

@BirthdayRainbow I think it sounds like that therapy session was a massive success. It also sounds like you have made some decisions which is progress. Hopefully your perfect property will still be there when the time comes and you will find a way. I don't think size is everything when it comes to houses. I moved from a Mediterranean villa on a 500 sqM plot with an Orchard to a 2 bed victorian terrace. The latter was fully renovated and ready to go. It was the only property I viewed and I burst into tears as soon as I stepped through the front door to view it! It went to sealed bids and I had to go way over and really stretched myself but worth every penny!

@Didsomeonesaydogs Yes sorry for your loss. You will find your people. Look after yourself too though.

I'm worried I've set my heart on this house. I did this before then when I viewed it I wasn't sure. I was quite relieved when I saw it had sold.

I wish I knew when I could put mine on the market but then I don't know how to find out.

@BirthdayRainbow Do you know anything about the circumstances of the one you want. Is it worth finding out? If you expressed an interest and the vendors aren't in a hurry you might be OK. Also if you are moving from the south to the north are you moving from a fast moving market to a slower one? Point is, you might just be OK. But keep on everyone's case to get them moving at your pace and try and stay positive.

The agent rang me then said he's not dealing with it and he'd get the agent who was to ring me. I said it needed to be after a certain time, which was two hours hence. I got an email 12 minutes later asking me to ring. I didn't ring. I think I need to wait until I can speak to my solicitor. I've no idea about markets but my house should sell quickly as it's in a really good area and there's a house four doors down for sale for more money and mine is a more realistic house. Theirs is expensive, has too many parts and on an awkward plot. I think it is overpriced as well and mine has a better garden.

Checking in.

Separated last September. One 17 year old DD. ExH still living with us because his wages don't cover his living expenses as a single man. I am the higher earner. We co-own our property.

I want it done now. He's dragged his feet over everything. Latest thing is waiting for pension stuff so we can file a financial consent order. It's still not done because his pension provider is slow, or so he says. Conditional order due next month. He's getting majority of the equity in our flat.

It's all my fault of course. Everything. Says he could get more out of me if he made a fuss. The threat is there. I put on a brave face and try and ignore. We are "amicable" for our DD. 😬 There's a whole lot of godawful stuff that has gone on that outs me on here so I won't say it. But it wasn't pleasant. Still isn't.

Agree with PP. I wasted all that time. Worried about losing him, worried about my finances, worried what my family would think if we split up. I feel utterly stupid. What TF was I thinking?

I don't want him back. But unlike my other separated friends and coworkers I can't learn to be single because he's still here. I want to learn how to be on my own. Learn my independence. Get my shit together. But I'm in the "waiting room for the divorced" and I'm flipping bored.

@SunflowerSeeds123 oh love. I'm so sorry. I'd offer you place with me but if you leave it is risky.

The oension stuff does take a while. I am in that process myself as I don't have one due to being a stay at home mum so if you can accept that it is one thing you don't need to stress about.

Next time he makes a threat I'd give him a stare and say DD would be thrilled to hear her father threatening her mother. Then if he does it again, I think I might discuss this without DD to get her take. I'm so sick of men who think they can threaten us. No. They can't. You know the truth as to why you are divorcing, I'm going to assume it is not your fault and he is a pathetic man who is too stupid to see what is going on. My own son told me to make threats to my ex when he threatened me. As yet I haven't as I'm waiting and also as it would make no difference to h behaviour and the way he is being with the kids makes me think what's the point.

RIGHT NOW it is crap but it will not be forever. Eventually this will be done.

take care.

The property thing is a nightmare. I thought the situation had improved somewhat but perhaps I'm wrong? When I got mine they wouldn't even entertain me without proof of money in the bank but I thought that was something specific just to my area at that time. I hope things progress soon.

The lying and gaslighting is actually hideous and I have no idea how they get away with it. I let my ex have some of my assets when I left to try and appease him. I just wanted to get away and I didn't want solicitors getting anything also I didn't want the hassle of selling anything and wanted a clean break. I feel the same about the pension. I wouldn't be able to survive if I was still a SAHM but I do find working and doing everything else as well extremely tough.

Had to get in touch with ex despite wanting some distance because of DS's birthday. He says he's ill and wants to avoid giving them any germs so he said he'd put a card through the door at some point and will see them when he's better.

@Whsthappensnow I feel that's a lie. I don't believe he is poorly tbh but leave him to it.

I have had messages to and from my ex today and he will never understand how I feel about the situation. He is coming over tomorrow and I am not lookin* forward to it. Don't know how to play it yet. Also got another estate agent coming to value the house.

@BirthdayRainbow I'm in two minds but I just can't be bothered to analyse it or question it. I can only hope he makes it up to them somehow and at least I don't have to put up with him in the house this weekend.

In your situation you probably do need to see yours tomorrow. Best case scenario is he realises that you both need to move on and you are kind of at stalemate at the moment and getting the house sold is the way forward. Hope the estate agents turn up and the valuation is decent.

You are right not to give him headspace and see the positives of him not being in the house for a change. You will make the dc birthday lovely and he won't need his father.

When I msgd and said it was getting tiresome him not answering me he said you wanted to go through a solicitor so I'm waiting until the meeting. He really hates I've done this doesn't he?! I said that was to protect myself but talking to the solicitor doesn't get the house clean and ready to sell and we could discuss packing up the house and getting it ready to sell. He then said he will come at nine and start packing up. I later messaged and said this was hard enough without making it harder and it wouldn't be forever. He did not reply.

TBH I didn't know we could put the house on the market. I thought we had to wait for the solicitor. I've had three valuations already so we'll see. Todays one is about finding an agent to sell it as the one I wanted has left and the other two I was not happy with.

In other news, the house I liked I think is a no go as there is no drive or garage and seeing how many boxes I have for the children with barely a start means I am going to need a garage.

@BirthdayRainbow DS has his grandparents picking him up from football today and we're having tea with them, then Naice hotel in Cornwall for a few days on the train, football kit,new trainers and lego camper van for his presents from me and a go-karting party with his friends in half term so I think I've done enough for his birthday! (Hope so)

I hope everything goes OK for you today. It might be painful but it has to be done for any progress to be made or the situation will drag for everyone. Hopefully he'll see that but I've been there when they think the house will sort itself out.

Yeah I could see that being a problem with the house you want. You may need to streamline everything anyway but on the other hand perhaps you will find something with a garage and storage anyway.

That sounds a lovely birthday @Whsthappensnow and yes you have done enough! I hope he has a lovely day and then weekend.

H turned up 15 minutes early but it just meant I gave him two jobs and he has to pick one 😆. I talked to him and got nothing back but complaining that he's already said sorry, we've talked about this and also that he doesn't want to talk about how he is feeling with me. That felt a bit ouch. He was here 3.5 hours and I said to him it's the longest time we've spent together since he left me. There was a glint in his eye as he doesn't think he left me. He did jobs I don't want to do but I refuse to feel massively grateful as it isn't a favour to me. It helps him too if it means the house gets sold quicker.

Really I need him to buy me a house, he move in to this one and then sell it. It would mean easier moving for me as I could do it in stages with the animals but I don't think it will happen that way.

The agent has valued the house over a 100k more than what H said this morning we should put it on at and 150k more than what I think he'd accept. He's coming back next week to do more jobs so hopefully it will go on soon.

@BirthdayRainbow Thanks for that! I have been known to go over the top in the past! And I'm really looking forward to the break.

I'm glad your ex turned up and whilst it sounds like it was a bit difficult it does sound like you made some progress. I know that feeling too. Everything my ex does I know he wants me to think he's doing me a favour. That's great news about the valuation and a brilliant incentive to get things moving.

Thanks @Whsthappensnow

I told myself it's a means to an end. Try and be whatever you need to be to get what you want done. Knowing him, doing the practical stuff is his way of making it up to me. Having said that I don't know whether he does think he has too I just know when he had his affair he was doing all the kids taxiing around he could, got me my drinks all evening. But I had to say to him is this your way of making it up to me? As actually I didn't feel he ever tried to make it right. I tried more than he did. In therapy I have realised lots of things I have said to him, things I have done for him and questions I have asked have all been things I wanted from him. He won't talk about what happened and told me "I don't want to talk about it with you" when I asked him about his health diagnosis (anxiety).

Tomorrow I'm going shopping to buy myself birthday dinner and cake for next week. My first one in 28 years on my own. Every year for the past four my eldest son has come home from uni and surprised me but he is working now so I don't think he'll be able to come. My youngest rang me earlier and he couldn't come either but is coming next Friday so I'm really happy. While I was out with the dog I was thinking he rang me rather than doing a WA call so I wondered if it was a throw me off the scent call. When I got back and he wasn't on the doorstep I was so disappointed. I know my daughter can't make it but she will video call me. I suddenly feel weird about it. Everything is going to be on my own now isn't it?

@BirthdayRainbow I'm wondering if our exs know each other or got the same memo.

Just before mine served me the papers he'd taken the kids to the park 'because I deserved a break' and come back with a box full of treats from my favourite bakery.

A court rep was banging on the door 20 minutes after they got in. I had no idea anything was wrong up to that point.

But in your shoes it is a means to an end entirely.

Birthday celebrations now as everything else aren't any better or worse for me they're just different and it helps me to treat myself whenever I can.

You will be OK and it will take time. I still go through phases. I know I still have a way to go. I have good times and bad. It's been a tough week actually. I reached out to that man I liked. I needed the services of his business. He came back and said he couldn't help me because he was busy with his kids and didn't have any available staff that day. All fine but I was disappointed he didn't engage in any conversation despite the fact I tried. (and you know how much courage that took) Also I've still had no response from OLD and one of the girls I was getting on really well with at work got fired today. I came home ate cake and spent quite a lot of money online at Sephora!

Being on your own though think about reading when you want, watching whatever you want on TV, eating what you want wearing what you want and using your phone when you want. Those are things I couldn't do before.

I'm sorry you didn't get a good result with this guy but huge well done for trying. He didn't say no to a date as it doesn't sound like you asked but maybe put him off the list for now. It won't be good for you to pin your hopes on someone until you get a real clue that this might start. I know how hard it is. I've not messaged a certain someone for a few days now as I need to not feel rubbish if he doesn't reply more than I need that moment when I see he has messaged me and I just sit there and smile, deliriously happy. I'm sure he'll message for my birthday and I can wait until then.

So shitty that your ex went straight to divorce papers. I thought it was bad enough my ex announced I was making him unhappy and hadn't wanted to do something for years because of something that wasn't my fault. No discussion. No chance to work it out. He told me today that at a set time it was obvious I didn't want to be with him yet he did and said nothing about it!

If he was still here I would probably be asleep. I miss certain programmes we used to watch together but only because I don't know how to use Netflix etc. not because I miss him! There was a moment when we were talking and I felt it would be nice to have a hug. This happened last time too. So I imagined him touching me in a hug and it was a hard no. I think there is a lot of processing going on, checking I really have done the right thing and learning when to stop. After he said all he did today and I spoke to my son I will no longer try and make him understand the damage he has done or show any concern for him. I can't allow myself to think about how long we were together, all I did for him and the staying etc as it will make me dangerously depressed. I'm going to try and focus on going for a run tomorrow, then walking the dog then going fun shopping before doing more packing and reading my book. Currently got the dog snoring on my bed and I have about two inches of space! If he was still here she'd be sleeping downstairs on her own.

Just a thought, I don't want to take the marital bed. I also need to be careful with money as atm I have no idea how much I will have or how long it will take me to find a job as I've not worked since 2001 and I have to work around the dog. So do I sacrifice money for the sake of my emotional health? I feel yes but I also know I need to be realistic.

I am feeling very angry about h today. All the things he has done it feels like he has had no consequences. I know he has as he's moved in to his mums and the kids are fuming, though haven't discussed that with him yet but will, but since he's staying at his mums for free and out all the time and his hasn't messaged one of his kids for over a month and the others not much better, I am thinking it is no hardship. Doesn't care re the kids as hasn't messaged them.

I feel like I'm not making any sense trying to explain the above. I'm so tired and emotionally drained but hope it makes enough for you to understand what I am trying to say and advise me.

I hope you are all doing okay, make sure you have some time for yourself today.