Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Morning@BirthdayRainbow and everyone else. So that bloke, no I didn't have enough courage to ask him out directly. I asked him how he was. Mentioned that I hadn't seen him in a while and said it'd be nice to catch up. I haven't seen him at work in ages and neither have any of my friends so I'm also wondering if he'd still got the contract there. Anyway I can't decide what to do about that now. I was thinking on one hand I still want him to know I'm single and interested and on the other hand I was thinking should I just delete him and forget about it.

There's another one but professionally I know I shouldn't go there. But there's a bloke at work. He's very well groomed and softly spoken. I thought he was gay. He constantly talks about being single and lonely. But also is very negative about not earning enough money and never owning his own property despite his age. He's very much into travelling and has lots of hobbies and rents in a very expensive area so that's why he's skint. Anyway he's been extremely kind to me at work. Helping me with paperwork, getting us out of some tricky situations, checking in on me and offering to make me cups of tea after dealing with something difficult but I'm putting it all down to him just being kind and it's nice having someone that easy on the eye fighting my corner!

Still no matches. I've actually had enough of chasing men it's not good for my mental health. I stick by that. I had the same problem with my ex. Sometimes I would have him hereand wed be having a reasonable discussion and I'd feel like I wanted affection and on a few occasions I did give in and hug him but the more he's hurt the kids and dragged everything out the less I feel like that the thing is I am really craving affection now which I think is why I'm doing what I'm doing. Some of my friends are saying an old fashioned night out is the answer but that's not the easiest thing in the world to sort out!

So when we split we had a few issues bedroom wise for years. He kept telling me it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me. I thought we'd resolved it but he still had a problem it still wasn't enough and it was caused by influence from his single friends and his friends and his porn addiction. Sometimes I wonder if dealing with affairs on either side would have been easier!

Re your finances, it might be worth looking at the benefits system. If you're not claiming now and never have it might be worth getting to know what you'd be entitled to under certain circumstances and how to apply. There's online calculators all over the place that will help.

Don't worry about the cost of everything. You can do things quite nicely on the cheap. I furnished my entire house on 2k for everything. I got a new bed for 180 quid! We have a local organisation called Re-furnish. They sell second hand and surplus furniture really cheap and discount if you are on benefits. I also set up a topcashback account and got cashback on all the new purchases and utility accounts then had amazon vouchers for everything else I needed.

You do sacrifice money for the sake of emotional health. I can tell you need your animals. You have options there. You might still be able to get some UC even with your own property. You could get support if you ser up your own business and maybe do something around the animals. There's also homeworking options and things like virtual assistant roles. I found working from home isolating and needed to work around my children and school holidays. You will find a way but it probably feels very overwhelming at the moment. It really does have to be one step at a time. However, it was 8 weeks for me from the day I left to getting the keys to my house. I know that is ridiculously fast though. Then I had a year working from home, then a few months looking for work and then settling into a new career which is where I am now.

I really worried about telling the kids the ex let them down again but DS just said OK mum and went back to Roblox. Again. It gets easier.

Hope that helps! You will be OK.

@Whsthappensnow I'm very much a person that thinks what is the worse case scenario and gut feeling. With the guy you've said it would be nice to catch up with I would maybe send another message and either say something similar or ask him out. Would you like to go for a coffee on Saturday? By text gives him time to think and is a bit easier. I wouldn't bring it up again.

I think with the nice not gay man I was going to say leave it think about this before scrolling down to the next part ***.

then have you tell me if you felt relieved or disappointed. Sometimes your instant response will help. If he doesn't have much money, likes travelling, is a bit of a complainer (does he feel like he is owed anything?) then is he a potential decent step father? Having said that sometimes people give off different vibes to why they are. He might be trying to give off a care free vibe, might think you want no attachment sex or he might be an immature man.

Affairs are not easier. Even if you both decided to stay together and see other people you'd be doing it for the children and or convenience and you wouldn't be living a life as good as you could. He should have talked to you. It was not your fault.

I looked on line and I am not entitled to any benefits. I have a bit of savings so that is why I think. I have no issue with going back to work and should have some money to tide me over but I will not leave my dog all day.

I have been packing boxes for days and it is stressing me out so much. My friend said I can't pack myself as that will invalidate the removal firm insurance but they can't pack as not everything is going. I am going to carry on as I was and if they have to then they'll have to unpack everything. I can't see how else to do it. H has taken some stuff but he has a piano, we are having a sofa each and then there's all his stuff in the garage. I'm worrying about transporting a dog and three cats and it's been pointed out I might not be able to move from current house to new house in the same day. Can't take four pets to a hotel! I've decided to try and stop worrying as the removal men and solicitor will have to help with all this and if it comes to it, h will have to help too. My oldest friend is coming to stay in a fortnight for a few days so I'll ask her if she can store some stuff (though doubt it) or at least give me advice.

H back on Tuesday to do jobs so I might talk to him about my worries. It's hard when he doesn't answer me but he might about practical stuff.

I'm now wondering whether I should donate a load of my books to the charity shop. I like to keep some as know I'll read them again but I just have so many and so much stuff😢

I am so sorry your ex has let your son down again. Good as it is for children to have resilience it is heartbreaking that they have too.

Hi again @BirthdayRainbow I think what is holding me back with the first one is just I keep thinking if he likes me he could have made a move by now. And sometimes I wonder if I like the idea of the convenience of it. (Because of where he lives) but yes I probably do need to try again.

So, nice not gay man. I haven't found out why he got divorced and never had children or owned a house but if he was always free spirited a woman wouldn't have put up with it. He lives in a town that's famous for people with that particular mindset and moved there because of it. I do think he does try and portray a certain image at work though but having said that his compliments and kindness have certainly helped. One of my friends thinks the feeling is mutual.

It's a funny feeling. You mentioned the potential step dad thing. It does cross my mind because I absolutely hate being part of a blended family and would avoid it at all costs if I could which in theory would mean sacking the first one straight away but that could work without children being involved for now. But ideally no kids or much older kids is a better scenario.

So ex and I on reflection did a bit of talking but he just wouldn't compromise on anything and wanted me to be something I wasn't going to be and I didn't realise I was being abused. Not physically but every other conceivable way.

So back to you. Re the UC it was a safety net for me while ex wasn't paying maintenance and whilst I was looking for work and struggling to get a business off the ground. I have savings too but just under the threshold and because I don't earn much I still get a bit but at least you know the score.

I think any downsizing you can do in terms of stuff will make a move easier. I always feel better after charity shop donations too. You can build up new collections when you are settled.

It's absolutely amazing that you have a friend to help. Take all the help you can get and don't worry about animals travelling. My 14 year old tabby survived a 5 hour flight and 3 hours on the train to get here!

Ex posted DS's card through the door. He knew we were in. He didn't even knock to say hi.

My son just arrived! A complete surprise. I feel so supported and loved. Here's here for a few days for my birthday.

I just looked through three boxes and the only book I didn't want was a dictionary !

I don't know if my friend can help yet but I will ask her. She might be able to help with what I should get rid of but I am quite good. As long as you're not a book!

Why are men such pigs? I always wonder what happens to us to make us accept stuff that we wouldn't if it happened on date one or two. I know how I felt but I think once you are married and have kids it makes it so much harder to leave. I'm sorry you went through all that.

I am sorry your ex is such an idiot. Mine used to come for his post and not go upstairs to see his child 💔.

@BirthdayRainbow oh wow that's amazing news! Enjoy every minute of it. I hope you get spoilt! You deserve to feel like that!

Lol! That made me laugh about your books but I agree you'll probably find other collections you can streamline.

I think it's worth you asking your friend anyway. You never know.

I think I've learnt a lot from what's happened though and with others before then. The biggest lesson is that I'd rather be on my own than put up with any more rubbish or waste any more time. A friend suggested another site. I have had a couple of matches but I didn't like the tone of thier profiles. Desperate and needy and a bit negative. I think I'll be deleting all the apps this week.

And yes that's the sort of thing mine does it's just awful.

My son does not want to know the reason for our divorce. My other two children know. One asked outright and then I gave the other one the option to know. I'm not feeling be pleased with myself at the moment as I really want him to know. I said I knew he didn't want to know yet but didn't expect him not to want to know ever. I said he'll just have to trust me and he said he does.

You don't have to delete the apps until if or when you are ready but you are good at weeding out the no chance ones.

I don't want another relationship. TBH I still love someone else and as I don't think we will ever be together again I'd rather be on my own.

@BirthdayRainbow It's a very difficult one. I don't want to hide anything from mine but I don't want to be dishonest either so when mine ask questions I answer but I'm as vague as I can possibly get away with and without slagging off thier dad too much.

My DM drip-fed me and the truth came out as time passed. I know why she did it now. She thinks she did what was best and that's the same with me. My parents split when I was 15. My dad was abusive. My DM sought comfort in his best friend.

Do your DC talk to each other? My DB had a different story to me. And we argued over it all when my parents divorced and our relationship never recovered.

Yes you're right about the apps. Just heard some good success stories recently and thought I'll have some of that but perhaps I am destined for something else after all.

I have agreed to let the DC go and stay with the ex in-laws in the summer. I'll be off work and will have loads of time to myself so I've started thinking wouldn't it be good to share that time with someone but if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

I had a one that got away too. I never really got over the boyfriend I had when I was at university. I tried to reconnect with him a while ago too and he didn't reply just declined a friend request on FB and blocked me so that was tough. I do understand how you feel.

My youngest asked me outright so I told him the truth. I then told his sister he knew and she said she wanted too. It's been impossible to not talk to them without slagging him off as what he's done is unbelievable and unforgivable. Mine are aged 18-22 though.

The children do talk but the two that know won't tell the other as he doesn't want to know. They are very good like that. I've told the two the same as I've told them the truth.

I am sorry your one that got away ignored etc. Mine messages and we see each other occasionally for dinner. It's always been him though I was very much in love with h and fully committed to my marriage.

Hello everyone. How are you doing ?

I've spent hours at the hospital but I'm back now. I texted h about something else but said where I was. Didn't mention it when he replied. Stupidly it has really upset me. All comes back to his behaviour and words has meant I had to leave and yet he's being so cruel and cold. While having a lovely time. I'm stressing over all the stuff and feeling like I'm going to have to get rid of so much of it as I can't see how I can take everything. I'm moving from a four bed to a 2-3 depending on what I can find. Plus I have to take three kids worth of stuff as h said he won't store it for them. I'm emotionally struggling but feel I can't tell anyone as it's been months now. He's hurt me so much I still can't believe it is true. 💔

Hi @BirthdayRainbow

What's happening? Are you OK? Sorry to hear this. You were so positive about everything such a short time ago. I really hope everything is OK. It's all such a complete nightmare.

Like I said one step at a time. I'm not surprised you feel so overwhelmed.

I have soft tissue damage apparently. I'm not convinced I've not broken it as I've broken it before and it was missed.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself over h but also annoyed that I'm expecting him to have an epiphany and suddenly become a decent caring person. The person I thought he was. I'm having to train myself to stop expecting anything from him but I refuse to change who I am. I just won't be anything towards him.

He's coming over on Tuesday to do more work around the house and I really want to completely ignore him. He was going to come tomorrow until I said, well if we ignore it's my birthday I also have the doctors. I asked him if he'd forgotten it was my birthday and he just walked off and left. Last time he barely spoke to me unless it was about the house. I was going to ask his advice but I'll have to find someone else for that. I'm so upset today. Tomorrow is my birthday as well. First one without him in nearly thirty years. My son went out today and bought me a cake. He would have baked me one but he didn't have time. He has made dough to make me cookies tomorrow though ❤️

Going through a divorce, even if it's the right decision, can be a rollercoaster of emotions. I just wanted to share that it's okay to feel sad. Emotions don't always follow logic, right? As for the kids, I stumbled upon this site https://divorcejury.com/ that has some really insightful articles on navigating divorce, especially in tricky situations. It might have some advice on dealing with the emotional aftermath and helping your kids cope. My situation was a bit different, but I found that understanding the process helped me wrap my head around things. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone in this journey makes a world of difference.

Thank you @YsaMay ans I'm sorry you've been through this as well.

My children are doing okay. The younger two say because they still have me. The older one is taking it worse and he doesn't know the reasons for the divorce yet. At the moment he can't handle it on top of everything else.

It has been a mix of a day. My GP appointment turned out to be with a paramedic and she couldn't help with physical symptoms but is referring me. The ED clinic promised they would have written last week and haven't. I came home and opened birthday cards with my son and my Auntie (by marriage ) has written to tell me my Uncle died two weeks ago. Then the bank rang to say I can have my own money back. I'm exhausted.

How is everyone?

I've finally reached acceptance that H is going to talk and doesn't care, or won't show he does, and it is making it a little easier that he's coming over quite a lot to do DIY jobs around the house. Hoping it will go up for sale next month.

Hi@BirthdayRainbow

Been a bit of a mixed bag for all of us then. I've been AWOL because I took the kids away for a couple of days. While I was away work were hassling me to get some training done so I just got my head down for a bit.

Sounds like you are still going through it. Glad you got to spend time with your family but it didn't sound ideal for you and hope you are feeling better. I still think any plans are good plans and better than being in limbo and it's all a means to an end. One month isn't out of the question and is a fairly easy target to aim for I reckon.

In other news that bloke I had my eye on posted on social media about being lonely on valentines day. I messaged him and said we should finally have that coffee. He agreed straight away but didn't get back to me with a time. So I went to check my online dating profile has been deleted properly and he comes up on there. So I call him out on it. He says we're looking for different things and he misunderstood me and sorry for messing me around. Ie. He just wants some 'fun' so I am extremely gutted about that but also feel like I dodged a bullet. He has full custody of his children and runs his own business. I have no idea where he's going to find time for all this 'fun'

Then I decided not to delete my account and started chatting to a bloke who seemed nice but then told me he was still married and living with his wife!

Not heard anything from ex. Have no idea if he's turning up to DS's birthday party tomorrow. Promise he'd bring a cake my mum has had to make a standby one. Hate the fact that I can't trust anyone.

Not the best half term for me but it could be worse.

That should have been isn't going to talk. Bloody keyboard.

Lovely to have your back @Whsthappensnow Sorry you got hassle from work, good news you haven't invested any more into the fun wanting man and as for the married one 🙄. I would ask your mum to bring the cake she has made. Too much cake is not possible and if he does actually bring one and is annoyed say he hasn't been reliable and you weren't having your son upset. You must be feel bad about it or accept him tell you off.

Im starting to think I need to stop talking to one of my friends. I have too strong feelings for him and I'm not sure it's worth it.

Another of my friends hasn't replied to my message telling her I found out about a bereavement on my birthday and I can't compute that. How can anyone read X has died and not say they are sorry back? This weekend is a year since my FIL died so it's a tough few days. Two of my children are coming home tomorrow for the weekend so I'm going shopping tomorrow and hope to get pizzas for us all and some treats.

@BirthdayRainbow Well it is what it is I suppose but I suppose but I still think a time frame is a positive thing.

I actually had to give my head a bit of a wobble because at one point I found myself wanting to compromise. I said to him I'm not after a shagpiece but I'm also not looking for a father figure for my kids so surely there's something in-between. I'm just hoping things don't get awkward. He lives extremely close. Honestly though make sure you're fully prepared if you ever decide to throw your hat back in the ring so apart from this bloke, the dodgy married one and my friend's ex husband the only other decent looking blokes that came up tonight were colleagues! I think I'm going to look at my finances next week and see if I can afford some therapy. I am a bit shocked at my reaction when he rejected me. I might have come across a bit desperate. I probably should have gone, yeah fair enough see ya!

Re your situation with your friend. That's how you are one step ahead of me and can identify potential difficult situations before they happen and protect yourself from them.

I don't understand your friend either re bereavement but then I find it very hard to read people these days. You are doing your best. Just try to enjoy time with your family. I feel a bit like that. I'm not in a brilliant mood at the moment but determined to enjoy the party tomorrow. I have a couple of bottles of rose prosecco left from my birthday and I think I might take it and see if any of the mums want to stay and share it.

Mum suggested keeping spare cake in boot of car hidden in case we need it. If we don't we just take it home and stash in freezer!

@Whsthappensnow Ffs you MUSTN'T feel bad.

I have zero intention of ever getting back into dating. TBH my heart belongs to someone else and I'd rather be alone than not have him. It's just too painful.

Therapy would be a good shout but be careful you aren't overthinking it. It is perfectly reasonable and normal to feel upset or disappointed when someone says no. Just be careful as you saying surely there is something in between could make him think you are desperate and would accept behaviours that are not acceptable.

TBH I don't feel I can stop talking to my friend. I haven't opened his last text though I can see what it says and I didn't reply. I'm not going to message him for a while. I'll try anyway. I've known him long enough to know there is a bigger chance of no reply if I take him to task over his behaviour or try and get clarity over the situation. I just want to cry at the thought of not having him in my life. I've loved him forever and it is so hard at times.

The no reply friend and I had a big falling out last year and had no contact for several months. We have been messaging since December but it feels very superficial to me as we haven't discussed the situation. She has no idea why I nearly died, that h and I have split and are getting divorced. Her equivalent relative to the one I lost is terminally ill but currently doing ok on treatment. The difference is mine wasn't ill, had no medications and has come out of the blue. Plus they were the only blood relative that bothers with me whereas she has a huge family. I'm not messaging her again until she does me. It's better to have a tiny amount of genuine friends than ones that make you feel rubbish.

Today will be hard as I will need to message my h and his brother when I'm hurting that the latter hasn't shown me any support with the divorce but two of my children are home for the weekend and I'll focus on supporting them. They will go to see that grandmother and that means they will see their dad and uncle. It does annoy me that they'll get the joy of seeing my kids when they, the latter two, put nothing in to caring for them.

Enjoy the Prosecco. Just be careful not to get maudlin.

Regarding the cake, do what you feel best and will cause the least drama for everyone, except the ex. Don't consider his feelings.

I wasn't going to exercise but rereading this I know with today being hard that it would help so I'm going to get up, get in the treadmill then walk the dog and then go shopping.

Take care and I hope you have a good day.

Hello to @Blahblahblahblahblahurgh @Didsomeonesaydogs @Em4891 @GlobeTrotter2000 @SunflowerSeeds123 @SwordToFlamethrower @WinkyTinky @YsaMay @iwillsurviiiiiiiiiiiive @cakeoverexercise @halfmyface @howtocope @ihayemen and I hope you are all doing well.

Morning@BirthdayRainbow It's probably a wise choice to stay away from dating. Being on the apps has not done my mental health any favours.

It was too late. I'd already said that to that bloke. Regretted it afterwards. I've been down that road before but it's fine. If he acts on it which I doubt he will I'll just say I changed my mind.

It's obviously up to you what you do about the situation with your friend. You sound like you know what is for the best and you are demonstrating excellent self respect and self control. I couldn't do it!

Re the other friendships, I've been known to sack people off as soon as they demonstrate any superficial behaviour. Also death,grief and terminal illnesses do funny things to people bear that in mind. Yes I cherish all my new friends and agree it's quality over quantity but even though its hard, the others are still connected to you and you probably do need to keep them in the loop.

You are right about my ex. I do need to stop considering his feelings. He didn't consider mine since the day I met him.

So I don't think there's enough booze for me to get silly. I tend not to get maudlin but I have been drinking more red wine than normal to relax of an evening and I think I might need to address that as it might be making my anxiety worse.

Sounds like a nice day in store for you. I think fresh air might do you good.

I'm going to have a lazy morning then get ready for the party. Think imagine going to put a new dress on and make a bit of an effort.

@Whsthappensnow I'm sorry if I made you feel bad about saying that to him. I just meant be prepared for how he might react. As you say, if he does say yes please you can say no thanks!

I have just slightly more than zero self control re him. I have to put reminders in my phone to not text. They don't always work. Your comments have given me strength so thank you. I'm going to try.

I did 20 minutes running on the treadmill. Couldn't face half an hour and didn't want to have the dog wait an hour for me to do a fast walk. I then walked the dog and then ended up just going to Asda for some treats for my boys coming home. My prescription still isn't in. There's a problem apparently. I've spoken to the friend I mentioned above who is in her 90's and she's not very well, I also spoke to my Auntie to check on her after my uncle's death. I've one more phone call then I'm going to sit for a bit.

Today is one year since my FIL died and I sent this message to my H. Thinking of you today🖤. I got tearful that all I got back was thank you. He has no idea that I feel the loss too. I'd known his dad for 27 years!

@Whsthappensnow I hope the party went well and your ex behaved himself.

@BirthdayRainbow Oh thanks for that. Thanks for thinking of me.

Party was great thanks. Just before the party, I had an email from work chasing me for some training I hadn't done and it was very threatening in tone and put me in a bad mood.

I also for some reason couldn't resist chasing bloke round the corner again. I didn't like how he'd judged me and I felt I had to explain myself.

So I went to party feeling quite anxious. Ex then didn't turn up. I managed to get him to come over later. Just before he turned up bloke round the corner text me saying he had some free time between shifts. I don't know why I did this but I decided to go. I told my ex I was going to the pub with my friends and asked him to stay with the kids for a bit.

Anyway within minutes me and bloke round the corner are tearing each other's clothes off. I couldn't resist him. He has some kind of primal effect on me. It was probably the best sex I've ever had. First time since ex and I separated. I expected some kind of PTSD type reaction or to feel violated in some way but I felt appreciated, satisfied and actually quite sexy but guilty as hell when I got in, house was a state, ex hadn't put kids to bed. He then kept them up playing for another 2 hours and then I couldn't get them to sleep despite being exhausted.

Anyway predictably, bloke round the corner hasn't been in touch. My friends are trying to get me to see it as a positive experience whatever happens because it means we both got what we wanted and its proof that I could be with anyone I want. Ie positive for my self esteem not negative.

So ex was OK but was very miserable and I had to get out of the house anyway and didn't want a conversation with him.

Sorry it was an epic but it was a funny old night!

Any news your end?

My only thought is contraception @Whsthappensnow As long as that was in place then no harm done. If he doesn't contact you again but then does and it is an obvious booty call, do think beforehand how you might feel. As long as you are in control and can cope with any emotions then do what you want.

Don't go chasing your ex. I've given up trying to get h to be a better father. My kids want him to contact them because he wants to, not because he's told to. I know yours are younger but you need to stop babysitting him and being his mother. Of course he didn't put them to bed. That's too much like hard work. But you shouldn't have let him stay for two hours. If the kids wanted him there then they could have spent time with him being bathed, read stories to, still quality time. Not all the fun playing and leaving you to do the hard stuff. As for him being miserable. Ignore. He's trying to pay you back for daring to leave.

Sorry to be a downer but this experience doesn't mean you can get anyone you want. I say that to stop you getting upset if someone doesn't want to date you, not to put you down. I'm sure you are a lovely attractive woman but not everyone fancies everyone.

This morning I was not in the mood for ex coming. He was here 9.30-4.20 and I'm so relieved he's not coming tomorrow. I had him go get dog and cat food, milk and my prescription and pay for it all then laid on my bed and read my book for a bit. Thankfully a friend messaged and we took the dogs out together. I really want to go fun shopping and every time I plan to he bloody comes. I'm just going to sit upstairs and ignore him. So fucked off with him as I sent him a nice message yesterday as it was the first anniversary of his dad dying but there's no acknowledgment that I'm grieving too.