Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

@BirthdayRainbow I hadn't done that up to now but I will going forward. They've kept me very separate from the person who is causing trouble for the past few days and my permanent contract starts tomorrow so everyone will see I'm no longer a temp and perhaps I'll get more respect.

That's the info I wanted about therapy and very useful. Years ago I was attacked and I had a victim support Councillor who was so useless I sacked him on the spot and asked him to leave so that experience made me wary. I'm really pleased it's working for you and you've got a practitioner you have that kind of relationship with.

So I'm trying to find out about work conflict of interest. I'm probably over-thinking as per but basically we're a special facility. We serve the whole (very large)county. His company is a contractor. We are his most lucrative contract. I rarely see him at work though because I do different hours most days. I'm nervous about asking him even for coffee but I could find a reason to contact him I'm sure. I just keep hoping I'll bump into him somewhere but it's not happened.

Don't just do it going forward. Try and remember what has happened in the past @Whsthappensnow .

I am so sorry you have had that experience. It made me tearful. I understand what something like that can do to you. It is really good and strong that you trust your instincts and that will be good for when you start therapy. I know very quickly if someone is going to be okay. If I don't get that positive feeling I do still go ahead and sometimes it works out, sometimes not but that is life.

Maybe ask HR if there would be an issue. If they say no then plan your next move. Relax. It will happen or it won't. There are other men in the world if this doesn't happen.

My ex is poorly and I've discussed my conflicted feelings with my therapist today.

@BirthdayRainbow That's really good advice. I suppose its all related and I wonder if you get this too but tend to feel quite sorted and then something happens and I get a setback.

Sorry about that but yes trusting the gut is also great advice. At the time I didn't trust the NHS and I went to a private consultant to check I was healing mentally and physically. She recommended thought field therapy and mindfulness. At the time I didn't find it particularly beneficial but now I think subconsciously perhaps it was.

So I don't think I'll go to HR just yet. I'd like to progress to a friendship first and take things very slowly. I can use the services of his business soon and see if he turns up himself then see what information I can get. I'm still looking at OLD too just in case but I've not swiped right at all! My and that's a 15 year age range and 200 mile range lol!

So re your ex, I'd be very interested to hear what your therapist says. With mine I tried to be understanding but not to ask too much because I don't want to come across like I don't care so I'll say things like 'I hope the medication kicked in really quickly and you didn't get any side effects from it'

Setbacks are part of life unfortunately. Some people seem to get all the luck and have a really easy time. Other people seem to have a load of shit. Mine has been mostly the latter but I have three amazing children and I've finally started believing I am an awesome mum.

I don't know what therapy you have had. I have had DBT, EMDR, other talking therapies and BWRT. It is so important to have the right type for the specific issue.

Her feeling is he is depressed but also moping. I am worrying as he still my children's father even if he isn't acting like it. I texted him on Monday and said I was sad he was suffering. He didn't reply. My therapist said I can't change who I am and that is why I am worrying about someone who has hurt me beyond words. I'm devastated for the children as he's pretty much given up, for example he hasn't messaged one of our children for nearly four weeks. I don't know exactly about the others. However they are getting to the point where they don't care. They've decided they don't want to know. I have no feelings for him. I don't love him anymore. I have no guilt that he's in this position. I asked him for a trial separation but it was because of his actions and he decided we were done. That's why I was so confused as to why I was worrying when I feel as I do.

Think about why you want to come across as caring how he is/what happens. When I've discussed with my therapist about trying to be friends she reminds me I'm divorcing him for a reason and divorce + friendship is an unsolvable sum. Maybe in the future we could be friends but right now, too much to expect. TBH I'd be fine ever seeing him again.

Never, not ever.

I completely understand this @BirthdayRainbow You can't help caring about him, but you'd be quite happy to never see him or deal with him ever again. Me too. I feel overwhelming guilt at the way I feel about him, despite the shitty way he's been for the majority of our marriage, and me feeling robbed of my best years. I just can't switch that off. But I do wish he'd just fck off and be gone!

@WinkyTinky let us decide that we both feel similar, though I don't feel guilty now, so it cancels it out. I feel empathy for him. Let's decide that is similar enough so it becomes zero. You have nothing to feel guilty about and while we won't change the people we are, that feeling is serving no purpose. It's making you feel stressed and if he knows he'll love that he still has power over you. Here is a 🔨to squash the power and 🧨to get rid of it. I will text my MIL to see how he is today or tomorrow but it isn't because I'm bothered tbh. If he's still poorly I just want to prepare the children and make sure I have access to money.

Can I ask you all though if anyone else in your family has any influence over how you feel or treat your ex and your attitude towards them. I have another thread about this but I wanted your take on it too.

So my DM is in her 70s and divorced my dad when I was a teenager but she is convinced I need to keep my ex and all his family 'on side' no matter how badly they treat me. So this is another issue for me too because I don't agree with my DM on this but don't want to fall out with her as well. So I can't keep the distance I want from my ex because of this.

@Whsthappensnow I don't have any family but I have got a friend who is 87 and looked after me when I was seven. I trust her and she is a very good barometer for when I am not sure whether I am feeling negative about him about everything and being unreasonable because he has hurt me. Every time she has confirmed that he is a pig and I am right to feel as I do. Since he's been gone I've been unable to eat and that is the only thing we have disagreed on. She tells me he's not worth it and I need to eat or I'll be poorly. I'm not not eating because I want anything from him. It's because I'm so hurt by what he's done and said, I'm so stressed but also have no need to comfort eat anymore as what was causing me pain has gone..

I do listen to my children and haven't had a go at him about his lack of contact with them as they don't want me to but today I reminded him he is still a father, needs to talk to someone as medication isn't enough and that I want to help but he clearly doesn't want me to so I'll go.

Your mum had a different experience to you. Maybe they tried to control or threaten her and that's why she says what she does. You do you. Do what is best for you. I'm not cool with people having a hold over someone else and keeping on side is not a healthy attitude. No disrespect to your mum but I think she is wrong. Do what is best for you.

I hope that helps as I'm not convinced I've understood enough what you were asking me. I'm tired so not thinking straight. I'm flattered you wanted my thoughts. Take care.

@BirthdayRainbow I've just found this thread. Haven't read through it all yet, but your OP is very reminiscent of my situation. My H left in June last year, we have two DC in their late teens, and he too seems to have forgotten they exist for much of the time. I'm glad he's gone as we'd grown further and further apart over the 25 years we were together, but I still have intense feelings of sadness over the very different future ahead of me - much poorer and more lonely. I really miss the security of being part of a couple and feel a bit of a social pariah with many of my friends who are still married. And the sadness feels worse, more embedded now than it did at the start, when I had all the adrenalin of what had just happened. I'm hoping time will help, but life feels pretty bleak at the moment. Hope you're doing ok. X

@BirthdayRainbow lol! Don't worry. That's exactly the kind of insight I was after. It's like with everything during this process I feel like every opinion I have needs validation but also I guess I was just curious even though I get that every circumstance is different.

I get that your neighbour had your best interest at heart too. In the beginning my appetite was all over the place but now I know I feel better if I can be as healthy as I can in certain areas so I do try and keep on top of diet, excersise and sleep.

But yes, I think I'm going to put my foot down with my mum. Your approach with your DC regarding the exs condition is pretty much my approach too and I do agree with that totally.

Sorry for everyone else going through this. 2 years in I'm still a work in progress but I'm in a much better place in every sense of the term.

@cakeoverexercise Hello. You are very welcome but I'm sad you have to be here. We have similarities. How old are your children? Mine are 18 and over, two at uni and one at work so they don't live here anymore. It's just me and the animals. He's at his mother's. I'll be selling the house and moving hundreds of miles away. Though God knows how!

If anyone is making you feel a social pariah my advice is to stop and think. Is that how you feel or are they actually doing or saying things that mean that's how they see you? If it is the former STOP IT! Being single is not a crime. Better to be single and safe and happy than with someone who is not worthy of you. If it is the latter then they are not friends. Good bye. One friend has judged me three times lately. I've not seen her for a while due to circumstances and we'll meet this month. If she judges me again I'm leaving the meeting and telling her why. Quality of friendships is more important than quantity.

@Whsthappensnow it is so normal to need validation. I know I needed it at the beginning as in is X a good enough reason to end the marriage ? Now I don't care what people think. They don't understand what I have been through and I can't verbalise the pain as it is too horrific so I don't put myself in a position where I feel asking for it is coming or they think I am asking for their opinion, approval, permission. As time goes on you will get stronger and believe in your own strength and validation from others won't be necessary. It isn't. You just need to believe it.

My ex has not read my last message or replied but I'm done telling him what he needs to do. He's a complete idiot as my kids are incredible and he's going to miss so much in the future.

Finally my ex has completed his financial advice sessions and I should get my equity settlement in the next couple of weeks and hopefully his solicitor will get that and pension% split info to my solicitor so we can get the consent order submitted. Feels like we're on the final leg now.

My DP on the other hand is having very protracted mediation with his ex so it's my turn to support him.

We've got a holiday booked in just under 3 months which we were hoping we'd both be legally single again but think that's a bit optimistic.

Stay strong ladies!

I have told my MIL a bit more today and I'm not feeling happy about it. I didn't plan it, she didn't say very much but tbh I'm done protecting him. He hasn't spoken to or messaged one of our children for nearly a month now. I'm sympathetic to the fact he's struggling, mentally isn't very well and finds this all hard but to not talk to your kids is unforgivable and not justified unless you are in a coma.

Next week will be more lawyer stuff. Then I have to work out how I can move house with zero help and five animals!

I hope it goes quickly and smoothly @halfmyface .

Hi everyone. Good to hear you are all hanging on in there.

@BirthdayRainbow you will find a way and it will be worth it in the end.

Nothing much to report this end. Ex showed up to see the kids but had a parking fine this week so couldn't afford to take them out. I negotiated and he caved then bought them home 2 hours late and he's still here and they want him to stay for dinner. He overstayed his welcome the other day and I ended up with a migraine from the stress.

I've still had no responses from OLD but saw the man I have my eye on the other day and I was a gibbering wreck. Too shy to talk to him and walked past really quickly hoping he didn't see me. It was quite pathetic.

I saw an old friend yesterday. I hadn't seen her since my issues last summer when I was in such a state I was calling the samaritans. She was commenting on how healthy and happy I looked compared to then so I think I need to take that on board.

@Whsthappensnow I've lost the plot today and told MIL a bit more today after yesterday talking to her and telling her some about what else been going on. I'm done though. I feel I've said that before and then he goes and does something else and I've shown care or worried but I can't do it anymore. I'm also really struggling with trying to buy somewhere 100's of miles from where I am now. It feels impossible.

I don't know how old your dc are but it's time to stop feeding him just because they want him to stay. You can't do it when it means you are then suffering with a migraine. They need to understand that you and he are no longer friends. It's harsh but there's a limit to what you should put yourself through.

It's not pathetic. Lots of us revert to being a nervous teenager around someone we like. Talk to yourself and practice scenarios for when you next see him.

Definitely take it on board. I have also had someone say how much better I looked once they realised what had happened.

I am exhausted. Was wide awake at five. Eventually went back to sleep only to get woken up not long after half seven by someone who thought I had rung them. I've been tearful most of the day. Mostly due to h actions and his
lack of thoughtfulness but I'm done with him. No more checking how he's doing. Just go away and leave me alone. I'll never forgive him for how he's been with the children.

@BirthdayRainbow I think it's best not to hold back. Often everyone needs to know the home truths. My frustration is still people refusing to believe it. I end up saying things like I know my truth. Up to you if you believe it or not.

Regarding your living situation, do you have any contact nearby? If the agent if you are buying is nice can they help? What about local FB group or MN group? I found a transition period staying at my folks helped also I moved into a newly renovated place I furnished from scratch and that definitely helped. I would figure out what your biggest problem is going to be logisticly and tackle that first.

Yeah I have a plan going forward. I should know what's going on with that next weekend. My friend thinks I shouldn't sack the OLD either. Although she can see it's giving me anxiety. She rekons I should give it another week, then have a break then maybe try a different site after that but obviously I would prefer the first option immediately just preparing myself! I'd be really surprised if he was single. Let alone if he likes me.

Yes it was a confidence boost. I just wish that bit had happened first!

So re my ex, yeah my limits are being tested for sure. Kids are 7 and 9. I think they're old enough to understand. I wish he had somewhere he could entertain them without me having to facilitate anything. He asked me today if I enjoyed having a day to myself and I wanted to punch him because I've spent the entire day catching up on chores. But he thinks I've just been sitting around scratching my bum! I've started dreading weekends. Immediately taking the kids away for a few days in half term and I'm so looking forward to a break.

And yeah no forgiveness here either

I'm moving north from the south. Have no family. No one who can put me up or help. The estate agents don't seem to be able to grasp how hard it is and I can't come up every five minutes to view when I have animals and hard even without them as it's five hours. When I was in the area they said they couldn't fit me in !

Just a sometimes you can't protect your children it is time to stop taking his nonsense. No, I haven't enjoyed having a day to myself (btw he didn't ask because he was happy for you, he wanted a gold star for facilitating it) as I've spent the whole time doing housework, cleaning, ironing, food shopping etc etc.

@BirthdayRainbow the thought of all that is exhausting. It doesn't surprise me about estate agents but it was worth a try. Gosh I wouldn't have the patience for all that but I think joining local social media networks might help. I did that here for things like info on schools and doctors and that kind of thing.

I think you are right about the ex. I hate Sunday evenings anyway but he does want brownie points. He took the DC to the beach. Not the one down the road but one 3 hours away. So not only were they late home but filthy, overtired and with yet more washing in addition to the millions of loads I've done today.

Tell him straight what his jaunt has left you to do. Nip it in the bud.

I don't have the choice but to move that far. It's so difficult.

Yeah I do need to nip it in the bud. I didn't realise what the time was and how I still had so much to do.

He doesn't want to buy DS a birthday present. He said he'd take him out for the day anywhere he wants. But I told him we were busy for the next couple of weekends because its half term and he was annoyed I'd already made plans. I asked him to help with school runs this week because I'm exhausted and I have lots on at work and he couldn't give me a direct answer. I can't believe I've got years of this to come.

I honestly think if it's where you are meant to be you will find a way and I sympathise because I remember the days when I felt like I was swimming through treacle it gets on my nerves how life is so difficult sometimes. I wish I could help more. I did the South to North move once and wouldn't do it again! I did South East to South West this time and hopefully won't be moving again in a long time!

Why doesn't he want to buy him a gift? That is ridiculous. A day out might sound lovely in theory but will it actually happen? He has no right to be annoyed. When you are main parent you have to make plans, cover holiday time, book things in both fun and dentist, optician etc and not wait in case Mr Dad decides to spend a few moments with his children! He is clearly being Disney Dad. Big gesture about a birthday day out but not interested in the school run etc. Just no, he has to do all of it. Not just the fun stuff.

I have to believe it will work out as I can't live here forever. It will make me more poorly.

My son just rang me. I need to check with my daughter but it seems my h is lying to my son about contact with my daughter. I'm so sick of his actions.

Yes, my h is lying to my son about my daughter. Lying is bad enough but what he says makes dd look bad but it isn't true!

@BirthdayRainbow The lying/gaslighting is the most stressful and damaging part of all this. It's part of the reason I was trying to have as little to do with my ex as possible because every conversation is a total waste of energy.

I totally get why you'll be better off moving away no matter how difficult it is.

So my Ex says DS doesn't need any more stuff that's why he doesn't want to buy him anything. I know it's because he's lazy and skint.