Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

@BirthdayRainbow I agree with everything you said there!

I really should make time for myself. I work part-time but I have quite a draining and tiring job mentally and physically and my DC finish school at different times with after school clubs etc and I think I am peri-menopsusal so sometimes find life in general a struggle.

My ex is also on medication. Same situation and it does take every fibre of my being not to say that to him.

I walked home from work through town today and wondered if I should treat myself to something. Literally nothing caught my eye. Lots of bugs at work. Bought myself some anti-bac spray and swerved all the make-up etc. Didn't even fancy a posh coffee. My self care might just be an early night!

An early night is good but maybe a nice soak in the bath first or do your nails, think about what you would like to treat yourself too tomorrow. I have a wish list album in my phone so if I get birthday money etc I can see what I'd wanted.

I can't wait to move as feel like then my life can restart. I used to be a nanny so will look into something related.

@BirthdayRainbow That's a great idea! I did spend all my Vinted credit last week so that's maybe why I couldn't see anything I wanted today.

Yes the ex and I had a business abroad. When I first came back to the UK I tried setting up in business too but it wasn't viable. I had to find something that fit around the DC so I started working as a TA first as a temp. Then I was mostly offered SEN roles and I have just been offered a permanent position in a state of the art special academy but its only 10-2. Its rewarding but exhausting.

My mantra at the moment is 'Observe, do not absorb'. STBX does the same thing complaining about the situation he's created. I hear him but I don't offer comfort, commiseration or argument. I pretend there's a plate of glass between us. I can see and hear him but he and his words can't touch me. It helps.

Well done on your job offer @Whsthappensnow . I used to go into my child's primary school and listened to the children read for three years. I loved it and before that I was a parent volunteer at his previous primary. I did whatever the teacher wanted me to do. Read, put up pictures, loaded their bags, etc. I would love to be a TA but I'm not qualified.

That sounds like a good plan @howtocope . What does he do when you don't answer him?

@BirthdayRainbow He usually moves on to another topic or I'll change the topic if he doesn't. My favourite way to do that is to say 'Oh, before I forget...' then talk about something directly related to the kids.

@BirthdayRainbow I'm not a qualified TA either but I do have decent GCSEs and other relevant qualifications/experience. If you register with an agency and do temp work first you can get in that way and then the school might put you through. It's taken me nearly a year to get to this point but your nannying experience will help. And your volunteering for that matter. My job centre work coach put me in touch with the agency. I'm knackered but when I'm working I don't have time to think about much else.

Hi @howtocope that sounds like an interesting technique. It reminds me a bit of that 'grey rock' business that they talk about in the freedom programme. Sometimes it works for me but my reservation is I really want to be able to say what I want when I want and how I want even in my own home and employing such techniques does sometimes feel like I'm not being me.

@Whsthappensnow I know what you mean. I don't know what your situation is like but I realised that it doesn't make a blind bit of difference what I say to my STBXH. He doesn't care and he often uses my words against me. I think he enjoys eliciting emotion from me, even if it's anger. I've learned that it's better to save myself the energy and not give him the pleasure.

@howtocope well I have the same issues but I have to facilitate visits with the DC and I feel uncomfortable having the ex in my house. I escape upstairs sometimes and watch TV in my room while they're in the lounge playing video games but even though its only an hour or two a week it still feels like torture. I try and make small talk and he argues with everything I say.

I never finished the freedom programme because I'm not free.

@howtocope I can't do that as he seems to have forgotten he's a father. He hasn't messaged my daughter for over three weeks. Hasn't seen my youngest son since Boxing Day except for by chance for five minutes last week. Only saw my other child yesterday because they went to see their grandparent where he is staying.

@Whsthappensnow thank you for that encouragement. I'm going to start a notebook of job suggestions for when I move. I don't feel I can commit to anything atm as I know I'm not staying here forever and it wouldn't be fair.

My ex has zero emotional intelligence and he'll never understand how much he has hurt me and I need to learn to stop expecting it and stop trying to make him talk.

In other news I had a medical diagnosis today and have started a new thread for advice with that too.

Thanks everyone. You are all great.

Could you restart the freedom program, if you wanted to?

It's a really tough one. Sometimes I feel like I'm not healing well enough and I should get therapy and address everything.

Other times I feel like I should just concentrate on enjoying my new life. And finding someone new to share it with. I'm scared dwelling on the past will bring the trauma back.

Hope you get some good re your diagnosis.

This struck a nerve with me OP. I just got my divorce order in April of 2023. Been with my exh over 25 years. He was very controlling, narcissistic and I was very unhappy, so in the end I called it quits. Every since we separated, almost four years now, I never once missed him or wanted him in any way at all. However, I feel sad a lot, just like you, I feel that I wasted my best years on him. I did so much for him and his family, my family did so much for him and his family, I bore three kids to him, but now it feels like it was all for nothing. All the hard work and sacrifice.... I also feel like I wasted my time with him, while I could have been with someone nice, kind and amazing instead. Hang in there OP, it does get better. Hugs💕

@Whsthappensnow from my experience my best advice is to say get the therapy. I have had many different types but the ones that worked were when I had the right type at the right time with the right person. The therapy I am having now is the reason I am getting divorced and why I am still alive. It is also why I am believing in myself more. Freeing myself from a cage I didn't know I was in. Please think about it. Brushing things under the carpet never works in the long term. You deserve to be free of carrying any unnecessary shit.

@livelovelough24 welcome to our thread and I am sorry if it has brought back bad memories. I am thinking less about the waste of time as I have finally realised, mostly, that I can't do anything about it. I can honour myself by looking forward. There is someone else I should have been with and we are friends now and once I move I'll be nearer other friends and important people and hopefully I'll be able to find work.

I want to be sure what it is I actually want from therapy. I've been through a lot of other trauma in my life and never had it or sacked it because its been rubbish.

This time a year in when the ex moved in round the corner and was trying to get me to help him make a fraudulent benefit claim and started the menacing behaviour again I did call the samaritans. I'm also on the NHS talk works waiting list but it's been ages.

I've sometimes thought about doing something like Better help but then I think I'm fine imagine handling everything I've got this but this week I've had a massive crisis of confidence at work, I've not done anything about the man I like because I'm so scared of rejection and I'm just not feeling as 'sorted' as I did. I re-started OLD as a distraction and I don't know why I did it I literally have zero interest in anyone on there.

How do u cope with knowing the ex is shagging someone else? Still hurts me to think he's enjoying other women while I'm mourning our relationship

@ihayemen in my case STBXH was terrible in bed, no intimacy, selfish. He's just disappointing someone else now.

@howtocope and @ihayemen It really doesn't bother me what he gets up to because there's nothing there anymore. I blocked out all of the good memories and even why I fancied him in the first place.

Since I'm trying to do the civil co- parenting thing I invited my ex to dd's birthday party. He was trying it on with one of the other mums instead of helping me host. I was gutted she turned him down because I thought at least it would get him off my case!

And I'm finding myself attracted to a man who is the complete opposite of my ex!

@Whsthappensnow not knowing what you want from therapy isn't really a problem. Think about what is causing you the most pain or making you the most confused. That will inform you for what you need. You can get general talking therapy and it will become clear what you need to work on. My therapy is private but tbh it has been worth it as it has crystallised everything. It has saved my life even if it ended my marriage. I would ring and make sure you are still on the list. My DD waited nine months for an appointment as I was told there aren't many consultants for this problem in children. Months later I rang again and found out her referral had been sat on a desk for months and she hadn't even made the list..

Been attracted to someone opposite is fine, a good thing, to be expected.

@ihayemen it is tough. Mine went away and I was confused he had a new woman and it annoyed me that it annoyed me. I found it disrespectful to our marriage to be with someone new after just six months. As it happens I know who he was with and he hasn't met anyone new. Right now he is poorly and not coping well and I'd have to accept it if he met someone new. However as I don't love him anymore, I'll be happier without him and he's lost everything I think that helps..

So it's the lack of self esteem and the fear of rejection that hold me back. I also recently came to the conclusion that every other relationship I've ever had has been problematic by today's standards. I crave a decent loving relationship but I'm not sure if I'm prepared for it if that makes sense.

I wish there was a way I knew how much time or money to set aside for private therapy but I know its a grey area.

This love interest of mine is different culturally too so that's also something to consider.

I agree about the way an ex might live now. Mine lost everything. Some might feel pity but I keep thinking he got what he wanted which was ultimately freedom.

Sorry @howtocope I had to laugh at that in total recognition. I will be over the moon if or when dh finds someone else, but she won't be... He was useless as well, almost requiring an instruction manual which gets very tedious. And then 13 years completely without, I am looking forward to getting back on the horse as soon as possible, and I will feel no guilt about that. I do have a particular horse in mind and he is also the complete opposite of dh @Whsthappensnow Funny, that!

Convinced not confused.

@Whsthappensnow - here you are. I'm giving you self esteem as you have it as you are fighting for yourself. It is other people that have made you feel crap. Try hard to not accept that or believe it anymore. I know it's not easy. I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm not good enough as my own parents didn't want me, then relationships have confirmed this. But they were wrong and I am awesome. AS ARE YOU!

My therapy is not on the NHS but there will be something.

Don't worry bout cultural differences. If it is meant to be you will work it out.

Me too @WinkyTinky ..

@BirthdayRainbow Thanks for the vote of confidence. There's been a bit of workplace bullying going on where I was made a scapegoat and that hasn't helped my general mental health but a couple of people have helped me fight my corner and I'm feeling a bit more positive.

Re therapy I'll look into it. I don't even have a ball park though. Will it cost hundreds/ thousands? Is it something I'll have to depend on forever? Those are things that cross my mind. Can you imagine a time when you are done with it?

And this potential love interest of mine I'm wondering if the cultural difference thing is because I keep looking for excuses not to do anything about it. I wonder why he hasn't made the first move either. He told me when we first met that he was single but that was 6 months ago. Also there's potential conflict of interest at work but I haven't seen him in a while. I was hoping to find that out for sure before I did/said anything but I haven't managed to.

@Whsthappensnow If you haven't already, start making a note of everything that has happened with the bullying at work including all the times you have spoken to the bully and tried to get support. Write what the response was from both parties and why the plan is.

There is no way of knowing how long you'll need therapy for. I have had 33 sessions with my current therapist and it has cost £2375. I have a feeling she charges me a lesser amount than her advertised price. Try for the NHS. With the initial two sessions she had to treat me for one trauma before she could treat me for another and so if that was all I needed it would have been £150 to fix something I've struggled with since I was 14. It is a lot of money but I am worth it and so are you!

I can imagine a time when I go to fortnightly instead of weekly and I know I won't need it for ever just because it can't take forever for so many reasons. I
have made so much progress that tells me it isn't something I will need forever. I'm always happy to listen. Privately if you prefer.

Today's plan - I obviously don't know the work situation but if that is not an issue, send him a text. Say you saw something that made you think of him/thought it would interest him/ you remembered you hadn't had that coffee and would he like to on X Day at Y time? You have nothing to lose. Let me know how it goes! Be brave.