Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Apparently he has been unhappy for ages but never thought to tell me. Then did in the most cruel way. In that moment I was done.

Turns out I'm as strong as my friends have been telling me for years but I never believed them.

TBH the hardest bit has been him being a shit re the kids and me trying to work out how I buy a house when I live at the opposite end of the country to where I want to be. All the stuff I expected to struggle with I haven't.

@BirthdayRainbow It was the cruelty that hurt me so much too. He's now saying he's been diagnosed with depression I found it hard to sympathise but just said I hope the medication is making you feel better.

Support from friends is Paramount. Mine gave me some very bad advice and told me to start OLD as soon as. Ex found out, went mad at me and I didn't get any response from it anyway. So that was more hurt, with my friends for giving me bad advice not Support, with him for making me feel unsafe and then the rejection from OLD. I actually feel ready to love again now but I want something to happen organically I don't want to look for it. I might have a long wait.

I moved country and when I came back to the UK I moved to a town where I didn't know it or anyone or anything. It was a nightmare to find work and slow to make friends but I absolutely love it here now and wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

I think you always find strength from somewhere in these circumstances but everything felt more difficult than it should have been for me.

@BirthdayRainbow Today I'm feeling sad. How can you be together with someone nearly 30 years then go to nothing?

I think everyone who has divorced will ask this question,

I knew my ex for 10 years before we married. There were children involved and ex worked in many exotic locations. So, the 10 years, when wee wee late 20' and early 30s, were like a holiday and party.

Things went downhill after the marriage. Most likely as the party and holidays came to an end and children appeared.

I guess we made the mistake of thinking that marriage would be the same as being young and single.

@GlobeTrotter2000 That was the same for us and we lived abroad close to a lively holiday resort for a decade after we were married. Had the DC there too.

He said that having DC shouldn't mean the end of his life and that being a dad shouldn't define him. We never did anything but we were constantly hosting his friends who were all single dads pushing 50 trying to behave like they were 18 again it was all a bit tragic looking back.

Been mulling over what to do / when to do it for the past five years or so. Me and dh have no relationship, and I have told him it is mad to live this way and that I don't want to, but he seems content to rumble along.

DS16 has got GCSE's fast approaching so I am holding off for now. But I have had the same thought over and over for his whole secondary school career, that it's always the wrong time. When will it ever be the right time? Sixth form? Uni?

I feel like I've got a permanent headache and just want to sort it all out in the most painless way possible. DH has depression and I feel this will only make it worse, and I am desperately avoiding having to deal with the guilt of this rather than find my own happiness. But I just want relief.

Good luck everyone on the same path.

@WinkyTinky I was the age your DC are now when my parents divorced. I was right in the middle of my GCSEs. I failed all my mocks and one day I came home from school to all my bags packed and mum telling me we were leaving. I passed all my GCSEs with Bs and Cs and everything turned out OK. But it was tough and the divorce was messy and expensive. I vowed to not make the same mistakes.

I thought we were OK and ex was working through everything despite being tricky then one day he served me papers in front of the DC when they were 5 and 7.

It's a cliche but I don't think there's a right time.

@WinkyTinky

Education and future of children is what held my ex back I think. They waited till my daughter had obtained UK citizenship before they filed for divorce.

The son was much younger at the time. So, he was not disadvantaged in any way.

@WinkyTinky one thought for me was thinking dc1 has left uni so now I can leave. Then I realised dc3 had only just gone. I knew I couldn't do another 3-4 years but it was a process for me and it took a suicide attempt, therapy and then I asked for a trial separation to have space to think. He didn't believe I meant that and decided we were done.

Today I came home from walking my dog and he was sat in my lounge with a cup of tea. Threats ensued from him.

@Whsthappensnow I am sorry you had bad advice from friends and then no response from OLD. There is nothing wrong with you. Just your person wasn't on there. I'm not interested in anyone else. Happy on my own. I want to move back to where my friends from school are and other people who are important to me but it is hard when I live five hours away. Horrific he served you in front of such young children!

@WinkyTinky that sounds scary if I read that right. It sounds like you really have been pushed to the limit if you don't mind me saying. I don't know why they behave like that. I don't know what they hope to achieve from it.

@BirthdayRainbow when I returned to the UK I stayed with my folks for a bit. I couldn't decide where to go. My folks live 4 hours from where I grew up, where my siblings and friends are but since I felt no attachment there I compromised. My folks live in the sticks. I moved to the nearest big town with a mainline station closer to where I grew up so I'm 15 miles from them. Moving was difficult but I decided support network was a priority.

So, I also thought I was fine on my own. I've spoken about this on other threads. Had my head turned by a man who has been very kind to me. Might just be good at his job but I can't stop thinking about him it's a bit pathetic really. Anyway I've since found out he's like it with everyone and has a bit of a fan club so I've done absolutely nothing about it but my stomach flips every time I see him.

But back to the divorce, where we lived they didn't have no fault divorce. You have to have a reason so ex stated that I was mentally ill and an unfit mother. It cost me 7k in legal fees and I had to surrender my assets to leave the country and have the petition withdrawn and to clear my name. I still have flashbacks and I can't bring myself to start proceedings here.

Can I join please? Things have badly gone for us since the children have come along and he's being absolutely cruel about things. Sadly, I've put more into the house than he ever has or will but he wants an equal share despite earning more than me and being in line to inherit from 5 different relatives (which is why he wants an immediate divorce). I'm faking resilience atm and don't think I have the energy to fight him.

My children are under 5 and absolutely love their dad. I probably come across as the witch because I have to step up when he's physically present but absent in every other way possible. My son told me off the other day for shouting all the time. I need help but am seen as the strong one by everyone else around me. Feeling really small and lost atm.

I'm so sorry. I know that small feeling well. Because my kids don't often see their father, he's like a hero. He doesn't deal with their negative emotions, is just the fun guy. I feel like I'm the one that carries all the messy bits, supports the kids emotionally, takes all their anger (including what should be directed at H) and just stumble along. Friends tell me how strong I am but I do not feel strong. I just don't see any other option.

Should've said they don't see their father often. They do see him occasionally.

My biggest problem at the moment with my ex is that he just checks in and out whenever he feels like it.

It does drive me mental. My friends have said to me that at least he's paying me decent maintenance so I should count my blessings but time is just as important as money to me and I've often had to deal with him letting them down and I hate having to facilitate visits because he lives in a house share.

I also get that with my kids seeing thier dad as a hero. At one point last year he didn't see them for 2 months then he took them to fright night at a theme park 3 hours away and they instantly forgot.

I feel like we are all stronger than we know but only because we have to be.

Some quick points.

Kids are smart and while they might enjoy Disney dad, they will know who does all the grunt work, the nappies, the bed times, the homework, the cooking, driving to sports etc etc. My youngest is 18 and when their old sibling of 22 said they didn't want to do the usual Christmas Eve tradition, the younger one said I do, we all know you did it all mum, he just took the photo.

Don't be grateful for any or decent housekeeping/ maintenance. He's not paying you anything. If you are married it is joint money. He might hold it but don't be grateful for something that is yours.

I have no family or no friends with space for me and my animals. Ideally I'd have a mate with a house to rent that I could borrow and use as a base to view houses to buy but I doubt I'd get that lucky.

@Whsthappensnow enjoy the feeling of liking someone else. He might not be the one for you but it is practice for when you do meet someone.

I suggest you don't tell the kids when your ex is due as to not have them disappointed. It is time to tell him he has to be consistent and you have a life and it doesn't involved waiting around to see if he shows up. The kids will soon bore of the fancy days out and see they aren't worth it when he isn't there to help with homework, pick up from school or read them stories.

@iwillsurviiiiiiiiiiiive Im sorry you're are going through this rubbish as well. I don't know how you handled it but your son doesn't get to tell you off for shouting. He can say he doesn't like it but he isn't allowed to tell you off. You've not got rid of one awful man to be dictated to by your child.

In all fairness @BirthdayRainbow, he's so little and said what he sees in me. I used to be a light up the room kind of person (probably that annoying PITA kind of person at parties!) and I've become the complete opposite- I'm quick to lose my temper and am shouty. Him saying that has made the separation/divorce pill easier to swallow. Their dad used to light the fire and withdraw and let the drama unfold. I need to heal, be kind to myself and be stronger so that I can model healthy emotions, boundaries and resolutions to my children- they are the priority right now and I have a lot of making up to do to them (and myself).

@howtocope- totally relate to what you've written. Their dad (trying to train myself away from saying 'my husband') is what's called a Disney Dad- high jinx and frolicks (if/when he can be bothered) and I'm the one making sure the uniforms are washed and ironed, dentist appointments are booked, vaccinations up to date, nursery/school reading and homework is done, etc. as well as managing my own full time job and ensuring the house is clean and tidy (though that's more for me becaise mess causes me to feel anxious) and we all have good food to eat. I am bloody exhausted. I have a medical condition that makes me feel constantly fatigued. I recently underwent a medical trial to try a new medication because I remain symptomatic despite being on the correct dose. The conclusion? My consultant telling me that I was absolutely fine but needed to focus on my own happiness and well-being. I wanted to cry. I feel like a one-(wo)man band.

Apologies @BirthdayRainbow- didn't realise you'd mentioned Disney Dad already. They're a genuine phenomenon- it's so unfair.

No apologies needed @iwillsurviiiiiiiiiiiive . If we agree on things then we can understand and support each other. I will apologise to you though if you thought I was being hard on your son. I just want you to feel strong and empowered and feel able to show your son the right way to behave as eventually he will be someone's partner as well you deserving of his respect.

I have also been diagnosed with two new medical conditions, one caused by ex and the other he has had a big part in. While I won't necessarily be fully cured I will be much better once I am divorced and moved away from him. I'm taking time for me now by reading in the afternoons as we all do so much and need some down time. If it helps, tell yourself you need the time for yourself so that you are better able to look after your children.

He is now threatening to move back in if I don't hurry up the divorce. I'm not the one slowing it down. It takes as long as it takes.

@BirthdayRainbow Too right. It takes as long as it takes.

My ex was pushing and threatening me too but at the same time expecting me to do all the paperwork and pay all the costs so I haven't done anything.

It's such a rubbish situation especially if you have other things going on like complex medical conditions and managing childcare on your own.

Thank you for your understanding @Whsthappensnow . I am struggling with asking for help. It's not help, it's him fulfilling his responsibilities but I still feel crap. Tomorrow I have a medical appointment for a problem caused by him and I've been tying myself in knots trying to work out what time I'd need to get up to walk my dog before leaving to go to a place I don't know where it is. So I messaged him and he is now walking her. I wonder if he would have still said yes even if he didn't have an appointment 10 minutes away from my house.

@BirthdayRainbow I know that feeling. I have to facilitate my ex visiting the DC because he lives in a house share and says he can't afford to take them out. I've ended up cooking for him two weekends in a row. He did pick DS up from football and I felt guilty asking him to do that yet we're separated and I'm still cooking for him, tidying up after him and trying to be nice for the sake of my DC but inside I'm thinking my life would be so much easier if he wasn't around.

I really feel for you it's a nightmare.

@BirthdayRainbow Hope you are OK. Good luck with your appointment. I have been trying to focus a bit more on self care lately but it easier said than done. Do try to prioritise your own needs whenever you can.

Men are so lucky @Whsthappensnow . Even when we are within our rights to do nothing more for them we still look after the,, help them, support them and make sure it is as easy as possible to see the children. I put a note in my phone that said don't stress at him coming, enjoy the break from walking. It did help.

We talked a little. He's on meds for anxiety and sleeping because of this "shitty situation." I did not say, which is caused by you.

I spoke to my DD today and said I know it would be easier for her and her siblings if I could be friendly with him. She said no it won't, I would encourage you not to be friends and if you are I still don't want a relationship with him. She's so disgusted with his behaviour.

Let's make a deal. We will try and do something nice for ourselves each day and report back. We have to look after ourselves so that we can look after our children.