Page 40 | A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

Itisallgoingtobeok · 2024-01-05T18:43:36+00:00

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731]] Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

superplumb · 23/06/2025 06:44

GutlessFury · 22/06/2025 15:13

Thank you so much @superplumb sometimes it’s just all too much and I am so so exhausted with life and thinking about what he’s done constantly. The EMDR therapist I am seeing said I have similar to ptsd because of being lied to and gaslit for 18months, it’s bizarre as he’d done want he wanted but emotional manipulated me for months after saying he missed me, was having doubts, couldn’t cope without me all the while he was settling in to living with the other woman, the extent of his deceit mental! If he had been honest and accountable I’d be in a very different place right now. Thank you for offering to listen to me. X

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Ive realised that its impossible to try and make sense of their behaviour. They're broken. It's like trying to understand a mad person.

Bienbien · 23/06/2025 11:49

It is indeed impossible to try and understand their behaviour.

Dd’s school has called me saying she has been struggling with the separation and recommended therapy. I informed him of this and he said maybe the kids should stay over at his one weekend to make them feel better! No mention of counselling. I am very wary of letting the kids stay over at him considering there is another woman involved.

superplumb · 23/06/2025 18:15

Bienbien · 23/06/2025 11:49

It is indeed impossible to try and understand their behaviour.

Dd’s school has called me saying she has been struggling with the separation and recommended therapy. I informed him of this and he said maybe the kids should stay over at his one weekend to make them feel better! No mention of counselling. I am very wary of letting the kids stay over at him considering there is another woman involved.

Mine have counselling. When I read their reports I cry. Ive forwarded them onto their dad..he replies..'ok'.

He doesn't ask me how they are. His argument is he whats app my 11 year old..my 11 year old autisic son . Hes hardly going to go onto war and peace about how he feels. He really is stupid.

Notahandmaid · 25/06/2025 23:19

@superplumb Your post resonated with me. I cannot understand why my ex is being so vile to me when he was the one who left me and who is kicking me out of the home we shared. It’s like he’s had a bang on the head and turned into a different person for the last six months. I don’t understand what he thinks I’ve done to deserve his treatment of me.

There was another thread about why are the ones who leave so angry. One woman posted that she was angry because she felt her ex had treated her badly and she had to leave. I get that. But, as a PP said, most of us were blindsided by our partners leaving us. And some of the things my ex came out with as reasons why he was unhappy were so ridiculous as to be laughable (“I had the radio on all the time so he couldn’t talk to me” was one such gem).

Sorry for those that are struggling. I have been ok but the time is approaching when I have to leave our home and move back to one I’ve been renting out and I know that’s going to be hard. My ex moved out temporarily but is moving back in soon. I am so upset by how he treated me that I can’t bear to have anything to do with him at all now and he’s also being vile about a financial settlement and is fighting me on everything despite being extremely well off, and having several other houses of his own. It’s so hard to get my head around how he can be like this.

Solidarity to all those having a tough time x

superplumb · 26/06/2025 09:12

Notahandmaid · 25/06/2025 23:19

@superplumb Your post resonated with me. I cannot understand why my ex is being so vile to me when he was the one who left me and who is kicking me out of the home we shared. It’s like he’s had a bang on the head and turned into a different person for the last six months. I don’t understand what he thinks I’ve done to deserve his treatment of me.

There was another thread about why are the ones who leave so angry. One woman posted that she was angry because she felt her ex had treated her badly and she had to leave. I get that. But, as a PP said, most of us were blindsided by our partners leaving us. And some of the things my ex came out with as reasons why he was unhappy were so ridiculous as to be laughable (“I had the radio on all the time so he couldn’t talk to me” was one such gem).

Sorry for those that are struggling. I have been ok but the time is approaching when I have to leave our home and move back to one I’ve been renting out and I know that’s going to be hard. My ex moved out temporarily but is moving back in soon. I am so upset by how he treated me that I can’t bear to have anything to do with him at all now and he’s also being vile about a financial settlement and is fighting me on everything despite being extremely well off, and having several other houses of his own. It’s so hard to get my head around how he can be like this.

Solidarity to all those having a tough time x

Sorry we are all here.
I have wondered the same. From what ive read its guilt, which causes them to deflect onto us...blame us for their behaviour. Its the height of immaturity. My 9 year old does something similar. If I tell him off...he wont say yes I was to blame im sorry, he'll say its x fault..I just think these men have never grown up. There'll all a giant man-child

Bienbien · 26/06/2025 14:47

Notahandmaid · 25/06/2025 23:19

@superplumb Your post resonated with me. I cannot understand why my ex is being so vile to me when he was the one who left me and who is kicking me out of the home we shared. It’s like he’s had a bang on the head and turned into a different person for the last six months. I don’t understand what he thinks I’ve done to deserve his treatment of me.

There was another thread about why are the ones who leave so angry. One woman posted that she was angry because she felt her ex had treated her badly and she had to leave. I get that. But, as a PP said, most of us were blindsided by our partners leaving us. And some of the things my ex came out with as reasons why he was unhappy were so ridiculous as to be laughable (“I had the radio on all the time so he couldn’t talk to me” was one such gem).

Sorry for those that are struggling. I have been ok but the time is approaching when I have to leave our home and move back to one I’ve been renting out and I know that’s going to be hard. My ex moved out temporarily but is moving back in soon. I am so upset by how he treated me that I can’t bear to have anything to do with him at all now and he’s also being vile about a financial settlement and is fighting me on everything despite being extremely well off, and having several other houses of his own. It’s so hard to get my head around how he can be like this.

Solidarity to all those having a tough time x

My soon to be ex also gave me very similar ridiculous reasons as to why he didn’t love me. ‘You ask me to fill your water bottle’. ‘You don’t was anything all day and then you are hungry at 9pm’. I don’t even know how to react to these things.

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 26/06/2025 21:08

I’m spiralling. Struggling to cope, I can’t put all the details here but suffice to say he’s kept the house and our child and doesn’t give a shit if I live or die. 100 percent his decision. He’s acting like I’m subhuman. This is the man I spent a decade with. Love of my life. The cruelty is unbearable. What the hell do I even do to get through the next 5 minutes…

Bienbien · 26/06/2025 21:13

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 26/06/2025 21:08

I’m spiralling. Struggling to cope, I can’t put all the details here but suffice to say he’s kept the house and our child and doesn’t give a shit if I live or die. 100 percent his decision. He’s acting like I’m subhuman. This is the man I spent a decade with. Love of my life. The cruelty is unbearable. What the hell do I even do to get through the next 5 minutes…

Breathe. Look up at the sky. You weren’t out on this earth so that you spend your one precious life crying over a dude who doesn’t give a shit about you. Breath.

Notahandmaid · 26/06/2025 23:06

I’m so sorry @Heartbrokenanddevastated
It really is incomprehensible how they can act so coldly. I’m so sorry he’s kept your house and your child. That must be absolutely devastating for you. Do you have anyone in real life who can support you, any family around? And do you get to spend any time with your child?
Sending you hugs. It makes you wonder if these men are psychopaths.

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 26/06/2025 23:32

Notahandmaid · 26/06/2025 23:06

I’m so sorry @Heartbrokenanddevastated
It really is incomprehensible how they can act so coldly. I’m so sorry he’s kept your house and your child. That must be absolutely devastating for you. Do you have anyone in real life who can support you, any family around? And do you get to spend any time with your child?
Sending you hugs. It makes you wonder if these men are psychopaths.

Notahandmaid, thank you and agree the coldness is off the scale. He was my rock and best friend, so I don’t have much support IRL - he was it. I see my child EOW plus one night in week at his allowance (in a hotel or Airbnb) but am constantly on edge. I raised her her whole life and was a SAHM. It’s beyond devastating, he doesn’t care if I live or die, which as the mother of his child you would think he’d care. I laboured under the misapprehension that meant we were bonded for life and teammates, even if separated. No such thing. I don’t how to get through this. Really spiralling today, I think it’s the cumulative stress

GutlessFury · 26/06/2025 23:34

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 26/06/2025 21:08

I’m spiralling. Struggling to cope, I can’t put all the details here but suffice to say he’s kept the house and our child and doesn’t give a shit if I live or die. 100 percent his decision. He’s acting like I’m subhuman. This is the man I spent a decade with. Love of my life. The cruelty is unbearable. What the hell do I even do to get through the next 5 minutes…

I know it’s horrendous, there’s all of us here going through it with you too though, we know how it feels. You just will get through it, please believe that because I need to believe it too.

LovelessActually · 27/06/2025 06:24

Notahandmaid · 25/06/2025 23:19

@superplumb Your post resonated with me. I cannot understand why my ex is being so vile to me when he was the one who left me and who is kicking me out of the home we shared. It’s like he’s had a bang on the head and turned into a different person for the last six months. I don’t understand what he thinks I’ve done to deserve his treatment of me.

There was another thread about why are the ones who leave so angry. One woman posted that she was angry because she felt her ex had treated her badly and she had to leave. I get that. But, as a PP said, most of us were blindsided by our partners leaving us. And some of the things my ex came out with as reasons why he was unhappy were so ridiculous as to be laughable (“I had the radio on all the time so he couldn’t talk to me” was one such gem).

Sorry for those that are struggling. I have been ok but the time is approaching when I have to leave our home and move back to one I’ve been renting out and I know that’s going to be hard. My ex moved out temporarily but is moving back in soon. I am so upset by how he treated me that I can’t bear to have anything to do with him at all now and he’s also being vile about a financial settlement and is fighting me on everything despite being extremely well off, and having several other houses of his own. It’s so hard to get my head around how he can be like this.

Solidarity to all those having a tough time x

I could have written this. The unhinged anger is so fucked up

superplumb · 27/06/2025 07:12

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 26/06/2025 23:32

Notahandmaid, thank you and agree the coldness is off the scale. He was my rock and best friend, so I don’t have much support IRL - he was it. I see my child EOW plus one night in week at his allowance (in a hotel or Airbnb) but am constantly on edge. I raised her her whole life and was a SAHM. It’s beyond devastating, he doesn’t care if I live or die, which as the mother of his child you would think he’d care. I laboured under the misapprehension that meant we were bonded for life and teammates, even if separated. No such thing. I don’t how to get through this. Really spiralling today, I think it’s the cumulative stress

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Same as me.
I was having panic attacksat 2am due to a medication change after he told me they were making me paranoid. Before I caught them he refused to stay at home with me and our young children when he had a night planned out. Anything couldve of happened...he didnt care if it put his kids at risk. Sex eith a slapper in a cheap hotel was more exciting I guess. Shes welcome to him. I wouldn't want a man who would out his dick before the needs of his wife and children. All I cam say is she is one desperate woman to want to hang on to him

Notahandmaid · 27/06/2025 22:10

@LovelessActually I’m sorry you’re going through similar. What’s your story? Why are they so vile? I cannot comprehend it at all.

@Heartbrokenanddevastated I can only say how sorry I am that you are being put through this. Losing a home is one thing but losing a child to an ex is a whole other scale. I’m sorry you don’t have much support around you and I’m sorry that he’s turned into such a monster. What’s the deal with the custody and how did he end up with it? That seems incredibly unfair.

@superplumb I’ve seen some of your story and I’m horrified at what you were put through. Honestly, these men are monsters.

I got the keys back to my rental house today and have been moving stuff over. It’s nice but it’s nowhere near as nice as the house we bought together and made our home for the past 8 years. And he’s try to screw me out of every penny he can so I’m not going to have that much to spend on the house - when I eventually get some money out of him. I don’t think I’ll be seeing any money this side of Christmas because he’s dragging it out and being difficult. I hate him for what he’s done. (And please no one tell me that’s a waste of energy. I am working on being indifferent but am still at the hate stage, though it’s not so acute now.)

Bienbien · 28/06/2025 20:13

Stbxh took the kids out for shopping and lunch today. After he dropped the kids home, they told me that he also took them to his flat. Made them some snacks etc. This was their first time in his flat. He hadn’t discussed this with me beforehand. I know he has the right to spend time with them and take them to his if he wants to. But for some reason it’s annoying me.

superplumb · 28/06/2025 20:38

Notahandmaid · 27/06/2025 22:10

@LovelessActually I’m sorry you’re going through similar. What’s your story? Why are they so vile? I cannot comprehend it at all.

@Heartbrokenanddevastated I can only say how sorry I am that you are being put through this. Losing a home is one thing but losing a child to an ex is a whole other scale. I’m sorry you don’t have much support around you and I’m sorry that he’s turned into such a monster. What’s the deal with the custody and how did he end up with it? That seems incredibly unfair.

@superplumb I’ve seen some of your story and I’m horrified at what you were put through. Honestly, these men are monsters.

I got the keys back to my rental house today and have been moving stuff over. It’s nice but it’s nowhere near as nice as the house we bought together and made our home for the past 8 years. And he’s try to screw me out of every penny he can so I’m not going to have that much to spend on the house - when I eventually get some money out of him. I don’t think I’ll be seeing any money this side of Christmas because he’s dragging it out and being difficult. I hate him for what he’s done. (And please no one tell me that’s a waste of energy. I am working on being indifferent but am still at the hate stage, though it’s not so acute now.)

Its so weird. People say his mask finally slipped but honestly.. it didnt . He really did change into someone awful. Hes always had a selfish streak which was minor but over time got worse and I thjnk that allowed bim to do it. Cheaters put themselves first. He knew the pain it would cause me and the kids but sex was more important
I'll never understand such simple creatures who think a shag is more important than children.

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 29/06/2025 23:48

superplumb · 28/06/2025 20:38

Its so weird. People say his mask finally slipped but honestly.. it didnt . He really did change into someone awful. Hes always had a selfish streak which was minor but over time got worse and I thjnk that allowed bim to do it. Cheaters put themselves first. He knew the pain it would cause me and the kids but sex was more important
I'll never understand such simple creatures who think a shag is more important than children.

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@superplumb thank you for your kind words, he basically kicked me out of our shared home because he said he was paying mortgage so he said ‘you don’t live here anymore’. I had no choice. I had been a SAHM obviously not earning as little one hadn’t yet started school. Was made homeless. He has kept our child because he was then the only one in our family home. I am utterly devastated. Just can barely believe it, clinging on by a thread. He is so cold, like he doesn’t care if I died.

superplumb · 30/06/2025 07:38

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 29/06/2025 23:48

@superplumb thank you for your kind words, he basically kicked me out of our shared home because he said he was paying mortgage so he said ‘you don’t live here anymore’. I had no choice. I had been a SAHM obviously not earning as little one hadn’t yet started school. Was made homeless. He has kept our child because he was then the only one in our family home. I am utterly devastated. Just can barely believe it, clinging on by a thread. He is so cold, like he doesn’t care if I died.

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You need legal advice. You dont need to leave the family home at all. Are you married? Sorry for some reason I can't scroll up to check the other reply for some weird IT reason

LovelessActually · 30/06/2025 11:23

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 29/06/2025 23:48

@superplumb thank you for your kind words, he basically kicked me out of our shared home because he said he was paying mortgage so he said ‘you don’t live here anymore’. I had no choice. I had been a SAHM obviously not earning as little one hadn’t yet started school. Was made homeless. He has kept our child because he was then the only one in our family home. I am utterly devastated. Just can barely believe it, clinging on by a thread. He is so cold, like he doesn’t care if I died.

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This is horrendous. I am so sorry you are going through this.

But this doesn’t sound right, legally or morally. I’m not totally clued up on it but my understanding is that the starting point is that all assets should be decided fairly. Bollocks to who contributed financially vs who contributed in other ways! And who pays the mortgage would depend on the spousal maintenance he owes you! Get legal advice asap! Do you have family/friends you can lean on for support?

Also morally this is just abjectly vile. If he wants to blow up your life he should have the fucking integrity to be the one that leaves.

These men. Honestly.

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 30/06/2025 14:18

LovelessActually · 30/06/2025 11:23

This is horrendous. I am so sorry you are going through this.

But this doesn’t sound right, legally or morally. I’m not totally clued up on it but my understanding is that the starting point is that all assets should be decided fairly. Bollocks to who contributed financially vs who contributed in other ways! And who pays the mortgage would depend on the spousal maintenance he owes you! Get legal advice asap! Do you have family/friends you can lean on for support?

Also morally this is just abjectly vile. If he wants to blow up your life he should have the fucking integrity to be the one that leaves.

These men. Honestly.

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@LovelessActually thank you for commenting. Honestly I agree it feels morally bankrupt to ensure I lose everything. We weren’t married only engaged. So my rights are few. He has become utterly utterly cruel. I could never have imagined. Some of the things he has said to me are beyond devastating. There is obviously a backstory but I struggled with my MH last year and he left me, having become increasingly cruel. Says he just wants to ‘get rid’ of me. I loved him and our family so much. We were amazing together. So the cruelty is unfathomable. I honestly think he wants me dead.

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 30/06/2025 14:23

superplumb · 30/06/2025 07:38

You need legal advice. You dont need to leave the family home at all. Are you married? Sorry for some reason I can't scroll up to check the other reply for some weird IT reason

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Not married. Solicitor not being that helpful. He ignores

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 30/06/2025 14:33

Heartbrokenanddevastated · 30/06/2025 14:23

Not married. Solicitor not being that helpful. He ignores

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The ex ignores I mean. I have equity in the home but tbh I don’t care about this side of things I just want my dc back. He has told dc they will ‘never live with mummy again’. Broken

Honeypot1980 · 04/07/2025 08:24

Hi everyone,

Newbie to the thread and hoped I could come to a safe space to get my feelings out. After years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship with my husband I have started the ball rolling to separate.

I visited a solicitor and mortgage advisor as I would like to stay in the family home as it was my home first and my parents paid the deposit. I told my husband earlier in the week I have had enough and he had said “he will fight me all the way”

we are now sleeping in seperate beds, we have two boys 19 & 14 who are aware there are issues in the relationship. Despite having a mortgage in principal to buy him out I’m wondering should I just leave and go to a rental and take half the equity for a fresh start as I don’t know if I have the strength to fight him. I’m exhausted as all I’ve listened to after telling him I want to split is how it’s all my fault and that I’m mentally ill and need help!

AuntyAgony · 04/07/2025 18:43

@Honeypot1980 Welcome to the club. Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know what I would do in your situation but definitely get all the professional advice before deciding so you can make a fully informed decision.

Feeling a bit low. It's our 10th wedding anniversary today and he left 5 months ago. He also left 2 weeks before my 40th so I'm feeling a little bitter. Things are OK with us atm. Trying to do the whole best friends thing but I sometimes feel like he calls all the shots which isn't fair. Was tempted to text him earlier but didn't. He's not texted either. Will be seeing him tomorrow but I guess there's no point in remembering anniversaries and such from now on. Meh.

superplumb · 09/07/2025 09:35

Hit a new stage a couple if days ago I think. Lots of crying etc. Counsellor thinks im moving through the grief cycle.