A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

This is paywalled for me. Does anyone have a share token or can someone c+p the text? Thank you

PS Can I join too? Moving out of our home soon because I can’t afford to stay there. Ex is being a complete and utter bastard about the finances and this is after treating me terribly too. I don’t understand how they can switch off so easily.

Oh that's annoying. It is for me now too, but I read it in full the other day with no problem.
On your other point, so sorry things are bad for you. My therapist told me that it's almost always finances that make things turn really sour in a break-up, so just know you're not alone. Hope you're ok.

Thanks @Babysteps123
He’s been a bastard from the beginning but I hoped he would be feeling so bad that he would want to get the finances sorted out quickly and amicably. How wrong I was!

I know. Ex affair started last year and he coninvneced me to try new meds which I did at the time the affair started. He blamed the side effects of meds. In fact I posted online asking whether they could make me paranoid. I called the dr and tbey thought I was going into psychosis. I was right all along. Not paranoid. He made me believe it was the pills so I went back on my old ones.
We still had sex and booked nights away.
He told me he loved me, was never going yo leave and swore on the kids lives he wasnt cheating.

Every night he slept like a baby. I now think hes a psychopath.

@superplumbyour post is terrifying. I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you are able to find some happiness in a new life without your ex.

@sugarplumbI’m sorry to hear that. That is next level gaslighting. I’m still on anti-depressants having struggled with PND and anxiety in the past. I’m better now thankfully but ex holds my ‘craziness’ against me. It’s all about him and how my struggles affected him. HE had such a tough time when I was going through all that.

@superplumb my god, that’s just pure evil, yes most definitely psychopathic behaviour. I’m sorry, sorry we are all going through this torture. X

@superplumb My god that’s terrifying. You will find peace and happiness after this. We all will.

Thanks. Im still in shock. We were together for 27 years and honestly only the last year he had changed. Hes always been a bit selfish like a lot of men are but the past year I dont recognise him.
What was worse was I was having sever panic attack at 2am. He knee this. I begged him not to go out and stay over with his friends.. I even said id pick him up. I told him I was scared of being alone with the kods overnight...he said id be fine. He jad actually booked a night in a hotel with her. So sex with her was more important to him that caring for his wife and mother of his children. I'll never forgive that. Never.

I hope so. I really like men and being in their company but I can't imagine a time when ill trust again.

I’m sadly joining this thread as I too have found myself having a separation foisted upon myself after 23 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. I’m not strong enough to share my full story yet, it’s so complicated and long and the pain is unbearable. Marking my place for when I am. It’s heartbreaking to hear of so many others in this position, our family wasn’t even worth a conversation about any alleged unhappiness, all suggestions of changes we could make were met with refusal, he just had to get out for time and space to “work out what he wants”. Unsurprisingly the unhappiness only ever came to light when I was alerted to his affair with a (married) colleague. I am utterly blindsided 😭. My thoughts are with everyone here, navigating this horrible situation.

@superplumbyour story mirrors mine in some ways. We were together 30years and the last three or four he turned into a different person. Cruel, controlling, aggressive, and misogynistic. I wish I knew what happened to my lovely husband.

I’ve had a lot of therapy and that has helped a lot. I hope you find peace away from that behaviour.

@Totallyaddictedtoshoes- I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I know it’s hard to believe at the moment, but it will and does get better. It does take time though. In the meantime be kind to yourself.

Sorry you are here too, but yep your story sounds exactly like mine. There are men that just do this, they all follow the same script. I’m 18 months on and really not OK but we have to believe things will get better.

He’s horrible. The depths they sink too are impossible to comprehend. How they are prepared to destroy the mental health of the mother of their child for very selfish needs is so hard to understand.

Its so hard. He used to be kind. If I cried hed cuddle and hold me. I miss the man I married. He was crap but kind. I dont recognise this selfish person he now is. Its odd. Looks like him but he now has dead eyes. Hard and weird to explain.

I recognise this look. What I can’t come to grips with is that he just must be a different person with OW?

I also recognise this look. It’s terrifying that someone could change so much.

I recognise that dead eyes look well. It’s weird. There is no way in hell I would want to be married to the man he is now. He is cruel, combative and a stranger. He threatens to go to court if I don’t accept his financial offer which would leave me with too little to buy a flat for me and the kids. But I miss the man I married. What happens to them?

@superplumb @Itisallgoingtobeok @LovelessActually have any of you looked into midlife crisis and/or narcissistic personality disorder? I can identify traits of my ex which fit in with both of these things, he was always quite selfish, self obsessed and lacking empathy but I put that down to being male and a high achiever academically/career wise and it wasn’t really a problem but I now realised these things intensified over the year or so before he ended the marriage. Whether that was because of the strain of being with another other woman or middle life crisis I’ll never know but she definitely didn’t bring out the best in him!
Whether possibly a narc or MLC it doesn’t make it ok but maybe gives a little bit of insight into how they turn so cold and cruel which in some ways is the worst bit of it all. On the other hand though, I also just think it’s neither of those things and he’s actually just a massive, massive duplicitous self obsessed tW@t!!

Yeah mid life crisis for sure contributed to it. He carried a mirror in his wallet ffs. Behan getting expensive hair cuts when he used to do his own hair..stated working out more...got really into his looks..

That ams the selfishness, entitlement meant he cheated I guess.

@superplumb mine got a hair transplant (3 days before I had major bowel surgery) teeth straightened & whitened and saw a private dermatologist! It’s obviously hard work and expensive snaring yourself a younger woman!

Is he the guy Shania Twain was singing about?!? He didn’t impress her much either.

sorry you are going through this. It really sucks.

I hear that song when I tell people.
He also started wearing odd coloured socks too for attention. Tragic really.

The ow was only a few years younger than me!!