A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Thank you @Itisallgoingtobeok for starting this, sad that we’re all here but some company and support for us all ❤️

Thank you @Itisallgoingtobeok I didn’t really post much on the other thread but it has been a source of strength in this difficult period of my life. Here’s to a happier 2024.

Thanks for starting the new thread. Hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected as we start 2024.

I want to check something with others who have been through similar heartbreak- I’m coming up to 5 months since the break up and am still finding it incredibly difficult to move on from. I cry every day at some stage, particularly in the car or if I’m on my own in the evenings. My ex is on my mind all the time, I have to force myself to switch my thinking to other things. Do you think this is normal? Is there anything I can do to speed up the healing process? I’m so sick of it. He doesn’t deserve to still take up so much space in my life.

I’ve tried some therapy but didn’t find it very helpful other than being a place to talk without fear of boring my friends. I’m doing my best to see friends and family and am busy with work/ kids. What else can I do 😬

Thanks for starting the new thread @Itisallgoingtobeok like many, the previous thread was a lifeline to me too. @Ginerous it’s five months for me too and I’m in the same boat. However, yesterday one of my friends said that she’d be more worried if I thought I was ok. It’s a huge, life changing event and I think we just need to accept that it will take a long time to recover. I hope we feel better soon xx

@Ginerous - I’m about a year on, and I was in the same place you are after 5 months. All sorts of random things would set me off. 5 months is not a long time to heal from such a huge and devastating loss. After a year I am doing much better. I feel more angry now than sad. I do have my days where I curl up and cry for hours, but they are relatively rare. I haven’t “got over it”, not by a long shot, but I feel stronger and more able to face life. I am not sure when I moved from having more non-crying days than crying days, but it was relatively recently.

I don’t think you can speed things up. The one thing I have learned is that I need to feel all those emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are. Feeling them seems to help get them out of my system and each time I go through that, they diminish. It is so hard, and early on there were days where I would cry constantly. I don’t know what others think, but feeling the pain, as awful as it is, seems to be the only way. You have to be kind to yourself too. Don’t think you always have to be strong, you can’t be. I found writing down what I was feeling, just for me, really helped. Just to get it out. I haven’t gone back and looked at what I wrote in those moments of overwhelming sadness, I doubt I ever will.

Hugs to all.

Thanks @Itisallgoingtobeok that’s really helpful. I am hoping to move from sad to angry at some stage! I hate that I feel sad over a man who treated me so badly, I’d much prefer to be angry!

@Ginerous I would say @Itisallgoingtobeok 's experience resonates with me too. The emotions just had/have to be worked through. Feeling the emotions and working through them, even though sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back. Going through the different stages of grief at different times and circling back to the same stage. Now, further down the line, I have learned to live with it. There are still triggering times, and moments of sadness, but I have the tools to help myself through it more successfully now. I used to think, "I should feel better by now", "when will I get through this?" but I learned not to measure myself by how I should have progressed and that took a huge pressure off.

It can take time, but be kind to yourself. I found that little bits of light started to come in through the cracks gradually. Being able to share with trusted people really got me through, I couldn't have done it without that.

I think this thread is really important because in this situation, a person can feel so alone and this has been such a place of comfort and support.

Thanks @BooksTeaAndCrisps this thread really is a lifeline. Thankfully I have supportive family and friends but they are all, naturally, furious with my ex and I think can’t fully understand why I am sad rather than angry. I am angry with myself about this tbh. How can I still love someone who lied to me and cheated on me? I thought I had pretty good self esteem but maybe not. Honestly I think if he tried to fix things with me I’d be tempted (not that he will) which horrifies me. I don’t want to still have feelings for him.

Been separated only 5 days, even though it was my choice, I feel utterly guilt ridden and struggling to come to terms with it. My ex DP was a gem and didn't do anything wrong, just didn't feel right anymore. Complicates it more we are still living together as I am trying to buy him out.

Feel like I'm going to lose everyone and everything. Although I'm usually strong minded, this has caused me to take a turn for the worst.

Does anyone else here find this part of the night tricky? My sleep is all over the place, I nodded off earlier but I’m wide awake again now and I just feel so sad. I miss having someone around, although I don’t miss my ex, as in someone to cuddle up with. Everything always seems worse at night as well 😔

Absolutely. Night time is the worst, because we are so used to having someone next to us in the bed even whilst we are asleep, we subconsciously feel it. I'm wide awake, exhausted and haven't slept for longer than 3 hours the past 4 nights.

Not to mention, we are left with our own thoughts. I find the darkness makes it a little more jarring

@Itisallgoingtobeok Thank you for starting a new thread. I don't post much these days, but I read every message that's written, and really resonate with the heartbreak everyone's going through. It's been 6 months since the bombshell dropped, but I think for me the rot had really set in a couple of years earlier, so I think I'm maybe a little further on emotionally than some on this thread. I still have pangs of sadness, but I've learnt to just feel them for that brief moment then bat them away so they don't overwhelm my thoughts. What has really helped me through has been seeing a good counsellor every week, so I can just pour everything out to her and not bottle it up. Expensive, but honestly worth every penny. Also journaling and talking to friends frequently. Really, anything that stops me internalising the feelings. This is a very gradual process. I don't think any of us will wake up one morning feeling absolutely fine. Not yet, anyway. I had one free session with a divorce coach who said that in her experience, it takes 5 years to fully get over a divorce. But each day/month/year is a step closer to a better, happier future. Big hugs to you all. Xx

@Ginerous I know what you mean. It's baffling to onlookers and ourselves, when we're sad after being treated badly. I know this might sound silly, and of no comfort during the early stages, but there have been times I've tried to turn this on its head and find comfort that the love has still been there and therefore sadness, because it meant I truly loved. I decided I would be more worried about myself if I could have turned it off and not cared at all. I didn't want to become the person who had caused me so much hurt. I think I found it difficult that someone I thought who loved me could suddenly have no love for me, the indifference was horrible.

@Browniesandcustard yes, sleeping can be really problematic and everything seems 10x worse in the dark as @seeitthroughmyeyes mentions. Having a good bedtime routine helps. I have an alarm to tell me to go to bed, only drink one caffeinated coffee per day, first thing in the morning, get up at the same time every day even at weekends so it doesn’t throw my sleep pattern, and I don’t drink alcohol. I play a podcast or audiobook to go to sleep to (don’t have to worry about headphones any longer - yay!).

Aside from those, meditation and breathwork helped me the most I’d say. I’ve tried magnesium sprays, blue blocker glasses, sleep masks, the lot! The book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker has a list of around 12 tips to help get better sleep, but your mind is just working overtime to process and make sense of everything, as well as having to deal with worries about a more uncertain future.

@CherryPieface you asked how long it took to start to feel normal again.

My bombdrop was June 2022 and we’ve been living apart since Dec 2022. I think I started to turn a corner in around June 2023. May was still pretty rough with bursting into tears at inappropriate times, (I actually sobbed through a workshop about evaluating your life at around this time) but the second half of 2023 was actually pretty decent. I did all my tax stuff on NYD and my level of healing is very clearly reflected in my earnings (I’m self employed) as it was affecting my focus.

I still consider myself to not be anywhere near fully healed though. I initially thought it would take 2 years to get over it but now that’s only 5 months away I’m thinking it’ll be likely closer to 5 years. The level of betrayal was so shocking though and I think if the affair had not been ongoing for so long (4 years) that I might have been able to cope with it better perhaps.

It doesn’t help that he keeps finding excuses to contact me. Our kids are technically adults, but there always seems to be something he needs to let me know. Since 18th December there’s only been 2 days he didn’t message me about something or other.

I wish he’d just write stuff down and save it up for a once a month communication. The second half of last year I used to hear from him every 3 weeks or so which was much more preferable. We haven’t started the divorce process yet (long story) so I don’t want to piss him off but this really isn’t helping me.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Thank you for getting a new thread going, like so many have said, it’s been a lifeline.

@Ginerous just like you I’m struggling to move on, even though I’m now 10 months down the line AND actually divorced. I’m still living here though (only for 2/3 weeks more hopefully 🤞) which obviously doesn’t help, but I absolutely cannot get past the rejection and abandonment. I’m also really struggling knowing that he’s in a serious relationship & how happy and relaxed he must be. Unfortunately I spotted the Xmas card from his girlfriend, saying how happy she was and how lucky she felt to have met him, and it was yet another gut punch - clearly it’s all going swimmingly.

He had been taking antidepressants for a while in 2022 which he swore up & down was because of his job. Then after we separated early last year, he came off them! I can only conclude that it was all because of me, and so despite the fact that he was lying & cheating, I’m left feeling that I must have been a terrible wife and the thought torments me. I do find I have times of anger at where I find myself, at the position HE has put me in, because I do feel anxious about the future - financially especially. But mostly I feel sad and slightly disbelieving at where I am.

I can completely relate to your conflict & turmoil 💐

@Browniesandcustard @seeitthroughmyeyes I also have huge problems sleeping. I have to put an audiobook on when the lamp goes off to try and distract my brain, although it doesn’t always help. As mentioned, the night time darkness always makes things feel so much worse. And mornings for me are still more often than not, the most painful & teary parts of the day.

@Didsomeonesaydogs a 4 year affair, that’s a brutal thing to recover from. My XH left once before, 8 years ago, and then came back. But of course it was never really right after that and he had one foot out of the door from then on, and was very likely looking around (at least) for most of that time. So the thought that nearly half of my marriage was pretty much a lie, is almost unbearable. This relationship he’s in now, started before we separated, and I imagine there may well have been others. The betrayal & rejection I would say are the two worst emotions in all this.

Let’s hope that 2024 moves us all on a bit further 🤞

Saturday hugs to everyone 💐

Thanks for starting a new thread. Placemarking as trying to get my 3YO to sleep and it's not going well..! Will be back.

I feel like I’m going to get sick. Husband is moving out. This is it.
I wanted it and then changed my mind and alternate between happiness and intense dread and fear and sadness.
I can’t see around the corner on this one.

Thanks so much for starting a new thread @Itisallgoingtobeok , and for the hopeful thread title. This is a bleak time of year but I hope 2024 brings happier times for us all. (And that this thread can provide some support when we are struggling)

It's around this time last year that things started falling apart for me, and the next few months are going to bring lots of sad anniversaries. I've been feeling really exhausted, which is probably the ongoing emotional toll of separation combined with moving house and a very stressful time with family over Christmas. I have a lot of work that needs to be done but I can't get motivated to do it - I want to hide away under a duvet for at least a week to recover and recalibrate. If I can get some immediate priorities dealt with I am considering trying to take some annual leave to get past this feeling of fatigue and burnout. Not to go anywhere - just to sleep, read novels, go for walks and try not to worry for a few days.

@harlemriver I’m with you on that - Jan & Feb are the most miserable time of the year anyway, and on top of that, we have our own extra misery to deal with.

Also the series of Anniversaries, it’s so true. Since last March when we decided to separate (I use ‘we’ loosely!), there have been SO many of those, even up to & including this weekend. So many times of thinking ‘this time last year ……….’, and then the pain and the tears come.

I’m sure that your feeling of exhaustion is exactly what you said, the emotional toll. I can’t yet find any motivation either - not for moving on or finding distractions or trying to enhance my life etc etc. I’m sure there will come a point when I truly feel ready to do that but I’m definitely not there yet. I think when I finally move out (all being well during this month) I will have plenty of distractions & hopefully a period of not dwelling on things QUITE so much. At the moment, to some degree, I’m allowing myself to wallow.

As I’m self-employed I had always thought I would just take a couple of days off after moving day, but this whole 10/11 months have been so traumatic that I’m considering using some savings to supplement taking a week off. I really think I need it. Just to think only of the new home and what needs doing and trying to get a bit organised & settled, and as you said, just to TRY to relax a little bit.

I feel that the actual moving out is only then going to BEGIN the process of healing and finding a teeny bit of peace, I haven’t been able to do that while still living here and watching XH living is jolly new life. I hope you have found at least a little sense of ‘moving forward’, however small? I’m very much hoping that having my own space and being away from my ex husband, my ex home (😔) and my ex life is going to help just a bit 🤞.

It's great that you will finally be able to move out soon @AloneAgain2023 I hope that you like your new house and it can be a fresh start. Taking some time off sounds like a very sensible idea. I moved in and then the next day had to travel across the country to see my parents for Christmas. I really think that was the final straw in my stress levels and if I'd been able to stay here and take it easy for that week I wouldn't be feeling so burned out now. But my parents are getting older and are not as healthy as they used to be, so it was important to see them too...

As for moving forward - yes, moving definitely feels like a new beginning. I do feel it was the right decision and I really like the house so far. But it also makes everything feel more real and final, and I am very conscious of being on my own. Even for simple stuff like furniture deliveries, having to think about how I can assemble things on my own, how I can get things upstairs etc. It just adds a layer of planning that is going to take a bit of adjusting to. But that's part of the process I guess. I hope that your move goes smoothly when it comes (actually that was one good thing, I had lovely movers who made that bit very stress free) and that the physical move will also be the beginning of an easier emotional stage.

@harlemriver I know what you mean about it feeling ‘real & final’, I’m having a lot of those moments even before I move - panicky thoughts, not wanting to be in this situation, worrying about the financial aspect, worrying about the logistics of building / mending things etc.

I have bought a flat which is leasehold, and the more I’ve learned about leasehold in recent months the more it concerns me! But the truth is, that was what was in my budget and I just have to deal with it. The leasehold system in the UK is terrible really, despite ‘buying’ the property you are very beholden to the freeholder & the management company. The worry of all that has taken a lot of the excitement out of the process, and made me more distraught that I’ve been put in this position.

On that note, if anyone has any POSITIVE stories about leasehold properties I would really love to hear them! I already know about all the negatives!

I too have found myself worrying about the years going forward with elderly parents & health issues. It felt daunting but manageable while married (there being 2 of you to help deal with it all), whereas now it just feels daunting and frightening. I’m struggling enough dealing with my own life and anxieties let alone starting to have to look after parents as well!

Is it normal to feel emotionless? I'm just at the start - seeing solicitors in secret and all o feel is concern for kids, finances, and how to tell my family - but in terms of breaking up with my husband I feel absolutely nothing. It's like a huge practical problem how to remove myself from this life but I feel no sadness, just determination. He feels like such a stranger and has been so cruel at times that I can't remember what we ever had so I don't feel like I'm losing anything. But we must have been happy. My wedding day was so joyful and I was so happy but it's like a different person

@24istheyear I would say for me personally, yes, but I'm not sure if that's because it was years in the coming. All I know is that 6 months down the line, I still feel quite emotionless about my ex and have shed relatively few tears about him. All my tears have been for my children, and for the few good years of family life we had when they were little (they're late teens now). Like you, the main things on my mind are the practicalities of divorce and how I will cope financially. I don't miss my ex at all. But I do miss being part of a couple, financial security, not feeling like the odd one out at parties (especially pertinent over Christmas) and family things, like going out for a meal, or days out. I think there's no 'right' way to navigate this. Everyone's journey is different, and each person will find different things more or less challenging/upsetting. I still wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy though, it's pretty hellish. Big hugs. X

I’m waiting on a reply to an email that I’ve sent to my ex confirming that I want him to do a Form E (as advised by my solicitor). He has been doing everything he can to avoid doing it so I’m not expecting the reply to be overly pleasant. He will also get nastier about money whilst we are going through the divorce process because he can and because I’m not rolling over and agreeing to what HE wants. I’ve had 2 hours sleep and am now awake feeling like I’m going to throw up 😭 Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but I’m not and I’m terrified that the kids and I (not his kids) will end up in a right mess. He’s already pretty much said that if I keep our 2 rescue dogs then that’s my choice and will now, I suspect, start being awkward regarding bills etc. I’m back to work tomorrow and just want to throw up and cry a lot.