A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Evening all. Thought I was done with this thread but here I am!

It's been 18 months since exh left me for his child bride and I've just had a cry to rival 18 months ago (at ChatGPT - I've never felt so sad!).

Anyone else get to this point and take a nosedive? I'm all set up in my flat that I bought myself (and had been a money pit so far - a whole other thread) and feel like I should be past this.

I missed him for the first time recently. A friend said maybe it's because I've healed to the point I can now miss him. I hope that's true.

@GutlessFury Mine got a hair transplant too!

And today I have just found out that when he said he was on a work trip in March, he was actually with ow.

I am just over 2 years in and it's hit me hard again. Like you, I thought I was past it and mostly healed. It hit me out of the blue. I think it may have happened sooner but I have had crisis after crisis since we split. I think it's hit me because I am a bit more settled and 'safe'.

There were also a few triggers such as him meeting someone else and some other shitty behaviours from him which made me grieve how things used to be. I had to ask him not to come into the house to pick the kids up because I need more distance. This is after a couple of years of spending the kids birthdays and Christmas together.

I did a bit of research and apparently the second wave of grieving is common. I am also only just starting to process how manipulative his behaviours were.

Your not alone 💐

@GutlessFury - I did wonder about a midlife crisis. He became more and more unpleasant. Angry and aggressive. There was also an affair, but even faced with incontrovertible* *evidence he denied it. He thought he was such a clever, liar. He really wasn't.

He was also sucked in by the manosphere, Andrew Tate and friends. I suspect that's what triggered the affair, he "deserved an affair". He deserved whatever he wanted as a man.

I haven't seen him now for 2 years, and I sometimes wonder whether he looks back and feels any remorse. I suspect not.

@CleanShirt and @Tiredandwired2 I know what you mean about a second wave of grief. I think I am going through that now. I miss my husband, not the awful cheating, lying version, but the one I married. He was lovely. I miss being married, I am finding life quite lonely. All of that said, I am in a much better and safer place away from mid life crisis man who was starting to become dangerous.

All we can do is ride the waves of emotions I think.

I cringe at the hair transplant, they are sad b@stards really, we should pity them. I’m sorry you had the news you had today, I’ve similarly had the truth trickle out and each time it’s devastating but also validating, it’s only what we had suspected and driven ourselves crazy thinking about. Try not to let it loop in your mind, they are toxic non entities to be able to behave how they have, they have a serious mental disturbance and we will see one day that we are better off without them x

Yes mine denied, denied and denied. In the early days I read that’s what they do, say there’s no one else involved and keep the denial up but invariably they leave because there was an OW all along. I told him from the beginning the truth always outs and it did. I think he thought he was too clever to get found out too. I cannot believe the extent and length of time he lied for, the things he said, the arrogance in his denials, the gaslighting when I was accurate in my accusations. I hate he is the father of my child, I hate he gets to spend time with him because if any other family member or friend had lied to me, emotionally abused me and manipulated me like he did and was so mentally disordered that they could keep it up for 18 months there’s no way I’d let them have unsupervised access to my son, yet I have to watch him take my son for 3 nights every week. It kills me.

Welcome to all who have recently joined . So sorry that you find yourself in this position , but at least you know that you are not alone and that you are walking alongside lots of other amazing women .

It is tough , especially at the early stages . It is a form of grief and you can tick the separation bingo card - shock , denial , anger , acceptance etc and also bounce from one to the other .
I am over a year on and can still bounce back to anger quite quickly , but most of the time I am in the acceptance stage but very worried about my financial security . Who knew that I need to do slightly more than putting the odd ticket on the euromillions and praying I may win !
Due to caring responsibilities and my age it isn’t that easy to increase my earning power .
I think it is also still difficult to accept that you have become one of the couples who split up . That wasn’t supposed to happen to me and my children - that was other people ! A bit like when you are trying to get pregnant and everyone woman you see seems to be pregnant - now it seems like every person is in a couple and I am the only one who isn’t . This does seem to hold true for my friends .

I know much easier said than done - but do try and not focus too long on why they did it and how they could do it . It just wastes your emotional energy whilst we are poring over everything and questioning it . Totally ironic when they don’t seem to be thinking much about you . That is because they moved on long ago , where it was an affair - you were no longer their priority . They apply cognitive dissonance , they convince themselves that they are still a good guy and they acted as they did because of your behaviour - what you did / didn’t do . They are at a totally different stage to you . The common phrase is “ blindsided “ I.e you didn’t see it coming , because you didn’t know they had already given up on the relationship . That is why they can be totally cruel and heartless .

Your feelings can be conflicted because although you don’t like the person they have become , you obviously loved them at the beginning . I still hate seeing photos of my ex and myself and our kids . I just think that he sullied even the happy times , with how he subsequently treated me . But I do know I need to get past this .
What has helped me is reaching out for support in real life , catching up with friends I hadn’t seen for years . Trying to get myself out more and making more of an effort with my social life , going out walking . It did take me a long while to get there and my initial instinct was to stay at home as much as possible as I was worried about bumping into anyone I knew and them asking about my ex . As a separation isn’t seen as a joyous time , it is also difficult who to tell and when and how . I have just done this gradually .
It is important that the break up should not continue to define you for the rest of your life . Your ex does not deserve this honour .You are so much better than them .
Take care and above all be kind to yourself x

My Ex definitely displays some narcisstic traits - I’d struggled a bit with anxiety and depression but the only thing he seemed to care about was how it affected him. Looking at Wikipedia I can probably check off the bingo card - need for admiration, rage and overreaction to any type of criticism, immaturity, lack of emotional intelligence. Although it’s only me that seems to see these behaviours - and it’s only me that he seems to show his worst self. Also possibly mid life crisis (although only early 40s) - at least he’s showing the cliched behaviours (I pushed him away because I’m such a fucking bitch, I made him so unhappy, he didn’t mean to fall for someone else, it just happened, cue emotional detachment, rewriting the history of our relationship, and now it’s all about him! Why should he have to stay and work in this relationship when he is such a VICTIM!?)

Another lovely poster on these boards recommended How to Heal a Broken Heart by Rosie Green. I’m listening to the audiobook and the parallels are just staggering.

Not having a great day today. I keep thinking of him with ow and I don’t have the words to express how that makes me feel.

@Bienbien I am sorry it is tough . You have to try and distract yourself with a good series on netflix etc . Or going out and meeting others if you have a support network , go out for a walk or a combination of all of these . You have to get to the mindset where you remind yourself of how your ex treated you latterly . This is not a romanticised version of how he was at the start . He doesn’t deserve you , get angry . Say to yourself that he doesn’t deserve you using up any more of your emotional energy on him . That the OW is welcome to him . She is seeing the exciting / fresh version of him, which he can show at the start of a relationship , but you know what he is really like .
Take care .

@Bienbien
I found this below posted on Reddit or somewhere which helped me think about things a bit differently and not think about the OW too much and considering the OW is at least 15 years younger than me and doesn’t have stoma bag like I do, I think I’ve done pretty well not obsessing her!! I think of it like this - she’s a piece of shit like my exhusband is and I don’t want shitty, morally bankrupt, self serving people using my head space. I’ve just started EMDR treatment, if you go on you tube or Spotify find some EMDR sound tracks, listen to it, should sound like it goes from one ear to the other (need headphones or lie down and balance phone on your collar bone so close to ears). Think about a happy place or somewhere you feel relaxed, think what you can see, hear, feel etc. Try to do it every day for 10 mins or if you are spiralling. I was sceptical but I am finding it’s calming me even though my mind still has a tendency to drift. Here’s the Reddit thing:
“So OP, I challenge you to remind yourself that while it might seem like he is thriving, that he lost you and he gained someone who was willing to participate in cheating. She gained a partner that she knows is capable and willing to cheat. Even if they somehow make it work, or if he suddenly goes to therapy and figures out his shit, that is work he COULD have done with you if he was mature enough at the time. Even if they figure it out and last forever, they know the shitty way their relationship started, and they get to spend the rest of their lives likely lying to everyone else about how they got together.
You get to continue to be the awesome partner you are, and you get a chance to find someone who can love and appreciate you properly, instead of cheating”

@GutlessFury @Candlesburn

Thank you so much for your lovely words. I watched a horror film last night. I can’t stand horror films. But weirdly I had zero reaction this time. No film is more horrific than my current life.

This whole situation is so so unfair. Who the hell did I marry? How can he lie with a straight face for months if not years, blame me for everything, walk out on his wife and children and get to live a happy thriving life? Where the hell is karma?

We can’t understand how they can lie as easily as they breathe because we never would do that. I really believe it’s a form of mental illness how they behave as no ‘normal’ person could act that way and keep it up so long. I don’t believe in karma, I suspect my ex and the OW will have a great life together but they are both truly awful people, I am not. You are not. The karma is that you are still a good person.
Have you looked at Chump Lady website or read the book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life? Lots of useful insights in it. I listened to it on Spotify and then bought the book and highlighted bits and wrote in it to help remind myself it’s all just a shitty script followed by lots of shitty men. We’ve just been unlucky. Try and get out of your head tonight, every time you think about it make yourself get up and do 5 press ups or 10 air squats, anything to break the rumination. X

@Bienbien I’m sorry you’re spiralling. I do this too. I have a list of reminders on my notes app on my phone that I turn to when I’m feeling like this. Mainly helpful things ChatGPT has told me (eg along the lines of “She’s not better. She’s just NEW. He wanted someone to stroke his ego and feel special. That’s not deep. That’s insecure.” The first one is literally just “Ugh, so what.”

I know it’s not a magic solution, but they both really are vile and morally bankrupt people. This all says so much about them and nothing about you. You can hold your head up high while they are shitty shitty individuals.

Did some snooping and found out who the ow is. His junior colleague 14 years younger than me. Literally she graduated uni later than our kids were born. He has been sleeping with her for at least eight months. This is so cliche that it’s almost funny. What a pitiful human.

It’s so sleazy. I’ve been mentally screaming at him “How can you feel good about such a grubby relationship? How can you be excited about something so sordid and sleazy? How does this make you feel good??”.

But then I suppose that assumes a level of self awareness and conscience that I’m rapidly starting to understand is illusory.

In my more angry and bitter moments I’m also wanting to yell at him at him “What are you thinking about when you fuck her??? Are you thinking about what a great dad you are???”. In my mind I’m planting a seed of guilt and self loathing but in reality I know this would just come across as pretty pathetic. But at least it’s a helpful reminder to myself about what a shit he truly is.

Snap, so we’ve got the hair transplant and junior, much younger (I think his is 15ish years younger that me) OW who is a colleague. How unoriginal and cliched. If karma exists for me it’s that she wants kids, I don’t think she has any and is young enough!

I know how you all feel. If you really want validation check out frank and brenda chat gpt. They are brutal about the cheater and the ow.
Spiraling is normal. Im wiqting for edmr therapy to help with flashbacks. I hope it works.
Id strongly advise not to snoop for the ow. Let's face it if they post on sm they're not going to post their worse self..they'll post photos of them looking half decent. That will mqke you feel shit. I deliberately haven't searched for her..or asked any details about her. I dont want to know. She's awful and selfish and that's all I need to knoe..as is he but sadly we have children together so o can't avoid him

For those new to this shitty club, id suggest
Reddit..chump nation
Facebook - chump nation Facebook group
Facebook - runaway husbands, Infidelity support
The book leave a cheater gain a life..as well as the podcast. You will find that their behaviour is so common and there are so many of us in the situation. Im 6 months in..still hurts like a bitch. Im still in shock with waves of great sadness and worry...but im not crying all day every day now which I guess I progress
Also dont hide what he did. I didnt. I went nuts and told anyone whod listen. You know what...the older men I live near have been equally disgusted by his behaviour and all help me with the garden etc. There is so much support for us...dont hide in shame...we did nothing wrong. They're scummy shitbags with no moral compass.

Mine says there isn't and hasn't been anyone else... but the vanity (gym, silly hair, silly clothes), impulsive spending etc are all the same as the stories here. He told me 3 months ago and moved out quite quickly, refusing to try and see if we could work on things, saying it's how he feels and nothing could change that. I was completely taken aback, not one friend or family member has been anything other than completely surprised. People keep saying there must be an ow but no sign yet. I think he might have left in order to find someone else, I'm not sure if it's any better.

Big hug to all of us on this thread X

He has even met her parents. This makes me sick. He had an affair with a woman 16 years younger than him. Left me and his kids only six weeks ago. And he has already met her parents!!

Theyre awful aren't tbey. The ow introduced my ex to her children after 8 weeks. He could be a total criminal or toxic for all she knew! Imagine letting a man you barely know into their lives. Goes to show you what type of woman she is.

This is horrible. I’m sorry you are going through this.

I’m just feeling really lonely tonight. Just sat on the sofa on my own and it feels depressing that after everything I’ve done for him and the kids this is it, me on my own, and I can’t see how it will ever be anything else.

I know this feeling well. Sometimes I wallow in self pity thinking about myself on my own for the rest of my days. I know theoretically I could find someone else. But I don’t see myself trusting a man in the future. What’s the point.