Hi all. I'm new to MumsNet and I'm seeking advice/support following a seperation last August. I'm 36, have four children and we were married for almost 7 years, together for 9.
My husband left me on August 12th 2023, very much out of the blue and I'm really struggling. He told me he is not in love with me anymore and has been unhappy for around 12 months. In the immediate months following our separation he was an absolute nightmare. For every question I asked, I got "I don't know" as the answer. The only thing he knew for certain is that he is unhappy and he has no feelings toward me whatsoever. He blames me going to university for the breakdown of our marriage... He feels like I prioritised my degree (I'm in my final year of a midwifery degree), spent too much time away from him and the kids and didn't listen to or respect him. I tried desperately to make him see that our marriage was worth saving, but he had no desire whatsoever to reconcile and communication between us was limited. He was very cold, very distant and at times, down right horrible.
After a few months, our communication picked up and he seemed to be more friendly toward me. He would say things like, "I wish I had the desire to work on us" and "I miss our family and our home. I wish I had a time machine so we could change and prevent the things that went wrong". He also gave me hope by saying things like, "You never know what the future holds and we might get back together" and "If we were to start over, it wouldn't be for a while and we would have to go slow". It was torture. It felt like he was slowly killing me. Of course, like an idiot, I said I'd wait for him and that I would always be here whenever he was ready.
It was around this time he got in to a relationship. I was absolutely crushed. To add insult to injury, his new GF was an ex of his who is a midwife at the hospital where I had received a job offer (I was due to start this job in a few months, but I decided in October last year to take 5 months out of my degree as I'm not coping well). He made it clear that he had no intention of actually being with this woman, she was merely a 'test' to see if he was ready to date. He told me he thought she was "good for him" as she too was in the middle of a divorce, but he wasn't in a rush to be serious. That same night he came to our marital home (which I will remain in following our separation) to tell me about his new relationship, we slept together. This was 100% initiated by him. We had slept together two times previous to this.
A few weeks went by and I was made aware of a post his new GF had put on FB which detailed their time together at a log cabin. I was utterly heartbroken to see a picture of them together, smiling and seeming so happy and in love. Something inside me snapped and I told his new GF what had happened between us. We ended up having a great conversation, which revealed a lot about the time they had spent together. He had told her that he loves her, had met her children and they had planned to live together. They had also booked a holiday for this year. It was as serious as serious could get. When she approached him about my confession, he lied and said that we had only slept together the once whilst they were dating. This of course isn't true and when I told her of the times previous, she thankfully believed me and broke it off with him.
I then stupidly fell for his BS around Christmas time when he got upset that we weren't celebrating as a family and that he missed the family unit. We decided to be a situationship (please don't judge me as I judge myself enough) as the sex was amazing (it always has been) and we were enjoying each others company. The situationship lasted 2 days. I realised how stupid I was being and that I didn't want to be so available to him all the time. We have maintained a friendly relationship since and though I still wish we were able to fix things, I'm happy that we are able to communicate better and be civil around our children. I wrote him a very long and very heartbreaking letter the other night, which detailed exactly how I feel. I expressed my love for him and my hope that one day, this will all turn around and we will be able to love each other more than we ever did in the past. I also made it clear that despite this desire, I also think its important that we proceed with the divorce as we both need time to heal, grieve and work on ourselves as individuals.
The past 5 months have truly been a rollercoaster of emotions. I love that man more than I could express with words and I'm utterly devastated our marriage fell apart. I'm also deeply hurt by the way he has treated me since our separation and I'm angry at myself for allowing him to use me for sex. I feel stupid for being so needy, desperate and available to him. It hurts to think that the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with, is no longer someone I recognise. Though we aren't strangers, it feels as though I don't know him any more. He has lied to me, caused great distress to me and treat me with such utter disrespect. I am very slowly coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is over and I'm doing my best to heal from the hurt and pain he has put me through. Thankfully, he is still an amazing Dad and has our children more than 50% of the time as I now need to work more with me being a single parent income.
I know that the grief experienced following the loss of a marriage is not linear and I cherish the good days that come between the bad days when my soul is crushed and I cannot stop crying. MumsNet has been a source of great comfort in my times of need and though I wish none of us were experiencing such life changing pain, I'm grateful to be amongst others who know exactly how I feel.