A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

You sound exactly like I dod last July when my ex left for the first time. 6 weeks later he came back.

Turn he began cheating a few months later.
My advice is to be cautious. Most men dont leave unless there js someone waiting for them. They are on the whole, too weak.

Yep, mine denied repeatedly, gaslighting me and making me feel stupid and crazy. He’d actually been paying money into the OWs bank account and living with her 3 nights a week when he said he was staying at his mums while I was still in the family home. He lied for 18 months until financial disclosure actually disclosed his lies, it’s staggering how they can keep it up so long.

Not sure if you're divorced already but I read that you're entiteld to that money back if uou cam prove its been spent on ghe other person..

No not divorced yet and still working through financial settlement, that’s very interesting I look into it, thank you! He’s paid money into her account so it’s all documented in his bank statements!

Ah why are they such shits? Sorry to hear about all this. If they want out why can't they just say that instead of doing the cheating and the lying etc. Ffs.

I'm still pretty sure there is no one else. I always knew where he was, and he was so ill with his MH I was often looking after him when he was so scared he couldn't leave the bedroom. He has said a number of times recently that something had to change, and that it was either getting out or commit suicide, and I'd much rather keep him alive. (He's not threatened with this stuff nor has there been emotional blackmail. I just know how bad he's been, and we have been through some hard stuff together so it's no surprise he's got MH issues). I still know where he is most of the time, even though he's been gone for almost 6 months. I don't think he's coming back so if he were to find someone now then technically it wouldn't be cheating I guess? But I would be very upset about it, not going to lie.

But yes, point taken! I will not be naive because for almost 2 decades I firmly believed we would be together forever, so I guess nothing will surprise me now.

On a final "self" point, I'm going to get therapy. Yay. I'm weirdly excited about it even though it's going to be hard. I have kept everything in my entire life so god knows what's going to come out. But I feel I need it at this point, and it's probably a good time to build a better foundation so I'll be less wobbly in the future.

Wishing you ladies all the best. It's shit being in this club but we'll get through it somehow.

@AuntyAgony I think it is possible for exes to be amicable after a split . But only where they have each treated each other with respect and put their child / children first .

On this thread there are a lot of us who have been blindsided by affairs and the ex has cheated and lied to them and also not prioritised the children .
In those circumstances it is impossible for the relationship going forward to be amicable initially . That ‘s not to say that further down the line , things couldn’t be more amicable .

It is impossible for the cheated upon spouse in that scenario , and to be amicable / magnanimous at the start . That is because they are reeling because of the split up which has come out of the blue potentially to them and they are in shock and angry .
We also feel incredibly guilty that we perhaps should have done something else / are at fault for the break up of our families . Something that no one really wants for their kids .

So as this thread is for those struggling with the separation / divorce you will get a more one sided view than the splits which have been amicable .
That is not to say either that those who experience more amicable splits can’t struggle at a later point . As a lot of us will face similar issues re loneliness , financial uncertainty , impact of the separation on our children

Ultimately the more amicable the separation is the better it would be for your child and I think it is good that you and your ex are both aiming for this .
I would however caution that even if you start off with this intention, it may be that ultimately things will become less amicable going forward . There are various reasons for this including what stage you are at in the separation . If eg your ex has moved on quicker than you have and found a new relationship that can be challenging . It is normal to feel angry and sad that you were so easily replaced . Whilst my relationship ultimately ended over cheating ,my ex also moved onto another relationship after that very quickly . I found myself being blindsided again . Think back to when you were falling in love with your ex , how exciting that was . It can be that when one side has a new partner that they enter an exciting phase where this relationship takes priority over you and your child . It can further be complicated if the new girlfriend has kids of her own and your ex may in his quest to impress her even prioritise her children over your own .

Secondly financial circs are also relevant unless you are multimillionaires / very financially comfortable 2 parties who separate simply cannot maintain the same lifestyle ( if financial circumstances don’t change ) they had pre separation when they have to fund 2 different properties .
i would recommend 2 things - get some legal advice now to establish what your rights are post separation / divorce if you have not already done so . Secondly it may help for you to get joint counselling with your ex .
Good luck , I hope that you are one of the success stories where you and your ex can attend your child’s wedding and it to be very amicable .
My children aren’t at the ages where they would be getting married soon , but I know if they were now , that any wedding planning/ seating would be challenging !That’s not to say that in the future that wouldn’t change .

Picking up on another few points ;
1 . contact with your ex and the kids . This is an absolute nightmare scenario often . The person who has caused you such hurt has to remain in your life , because of the kids . I have actually said to my ex , if it wasn’t for the kids I would happily never ever set eyes on him ever again .
My ex initially didn’t put in very much effort with the kids post separation . He was focussed on his own selfish needs . I found myself having to do more than I would have wanted , to try and keep his relationship with the kids . I did that for them and not him . I wanted my kids to have a good relationship with him . Did I think he was an amazing dad - no he was selfish throughout most of our relationship . But I also knew that for my kids self esteem and future it would be better for them to have a strong relationship with their dad . I can’t say this has been completely successful , but I know I haven’t stood in the way .
children can feel rejected when their parents relationship breaks down, they may feel that they did something to cause this .

If there is an absent father they can also fantasise about the “ great “ father and even blame you for the rift . I think it is good also that they see their father warts and all . I am only human and I do fantasise that in the future when they are grown up that my children do see his selfish side and reject him then . That he is alone and miserable and I have also won the lottery !

2 . Contact / support with in laws . Brilliant if you have this . But blood can be thicker than water and ultimately they will probably side with and support your ex . Sometimes they can try to be neutral but that can be hard as well when you feel that they should be more supportive of you, especially if you have been cheated upon and are then left with the bulk of the childcare .

If I am honest I have been disappointed by my in-laws . I was definitely the one that made more effort with them rather than my ex , when we were together. They aren’t really making much of an effort and I think it is also difficult to deal with this further rejection when you have also been rejected by your ex .
I have however tried to keep some communication lines open. I do have to bite my tongue when the in-laws reminisce about happy childhood memories with my ex . I don’t want to hear about this .

So as they say expect the best , but prepare for the worst .

How is everyone doing?

I have woken up with a strange feeling today that I must not be human to him. My feelings, my dreams, my life must be absolutely nothing to him. So weird.

This is the hardest thing to get your head round. After all the sacrifices and what we invested in them, our children and the family unit, how can they not only not care about how they have hurt us but they seemingly hate us?
I think it’s impossible to understand how any other person thinks but especially a person with a mental illness or personality disorder. Just like I can’t imagine how a person with biopolar or schizophrenia thinks I also can’t understand how a person with covert narcissistic personality disorder thinks which I think is highly likely my exhusband has. Obviously the former conditions are deserving of sympathy the latter - definitely not.
2 sessions of EMDR have potentially helped a little but I’ll report back on this after a few more sessions.
Found this helpful article recently
https://richardnicastro.com/2023/10/24/understanding-the-pain-of-betrayal-trauma/

Understand totally. I went through some cancer checks last month...he knew thjs..he hasn't even asked how it went. I could have cancer for all her knew. Thankfully most if the biopsies were clear but they've sent one off for further testing. Its like he doesn't care if I live or die

Sorry you feel like this. We are still living in the same house while the house sale goes through and he’s off on dates with the OW. We are both 60 and adult Dc left home. I know this may sound odd but it’s not the sex that bothers me but the fact he’s off doing lots of things - theatre trips, meals out, concerts etc that not long ago he’d be doing with me. I feel I have been replaced. It doesn’t bother him that we are living together and says it’s great we get on so well and can do this amicably.

It’s only amicable for him. He isn’t the one whose life is being torn apart.

Bit of a shit day today. I seem to have better days when I’m feeling stronger and more optimistic and then I get a sudden crashing moment when I just remember that he’s cracking on with OW and then I just spiral with the thought of them together. I had a few moments like this today.

I know that thought of not feeling human. How can you go from over a decade of spending each day together, building a life together, being each other’s life and then the next day just nothing. No care, no kindness, no humaneness. Who are these people?

Oh my goodness. This is so fucked up. This whole shamozzle has literally destroyed my faith in men. Their brains just work differently. How can they just shut off their emotions or have so little emotional intelligence that they think this is ok? I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

I just women would refuse to be the ow and have standards...I could never do this to another women..esp a mother with young children. Id want no part of it and nor would I want to be wjth a man who works cheat..dont get it..they must be a special kind of dumb to believe all the youre so different bullshit....

I can’t understand this either. The thought of the type of person that would go anywhere NEAR a man with two small children let alone be prepared to break a family up just turns my stomach. Yuck. Also another reason to loathe / want to shake ex. “Can’t you see that this is NOT a good person???”!!!

I mean before I caught them..she gave my ex sweets to give to my children.. he lied about wjere he got them. I knew he was lying. Then in the evening he sat there watching my chilsrne eat those sweets...psychopathic and shes very manipulative to try and worm her way into their lives..

The OW are being lied to too.. even the ones that are aware of wives and kids will be told lies about how terrible the home life is for them. And when the women are so much younger you can’t blame them too much for being naive. I remember from my days of strutting round pubs and clubs with my girl friends in our high heels and wonderbras and no one was putting more effort into getting with us than the married men. That was a longtime ago now but it seems little has changed. Anyway in most cases I lay the blame squarely with the married party and feel sorry for the OW if she is planning on maintaining a relationship with the man because the entire thing is based on lies and cannot see that it will go well for her.

Weirdly, my mother has been seeing a married man for a good couple of years. It's gross and I always tell her that I don't want to hear about it, but she clearly gets a kick out of the whole secrecy and sneaking around. Clearly he's told DM that his wife is emotionally cold yadda yadda, but this prick has been married a number of times before, had young families and then cheated and left time and time again. My mum knows all this and is somehow fine about it, which I find perverse. She's a reasonably intelligent and well educated woman and I just cannot comprehend how she keeps doing this. Obviously he's the biggest piece of shit here but I genuinely expected more from my mother. Luckily they're all older (70s) so there's no young children involved, but it still really winds me up.

(Sorry, bit of a rant here.)

Morning all. How is everyone doing? I hope that there is some light in amongst all the horror.

My divorce is finally done and for some reason I feel as though I am back at the beginning. I have recently found out that my ex has some severe mental health issues, likely bipolar, or similar. I had my suspicions when I was with him, but he wouldn't listen and did not want to get help or medical advice. I stayed for a long time to support him in the hope that he would recognise what was happening to him, but he never did see it. I think what has upset me is that I am sure the man he was still exists, but is being terrorised by his mental health. I feel very much like I have failed, I should have found some way to help him, but couldn't do it. The sensible part of me knows I did all I could, and in the end I had to leave after he attacked me, but still, somewhere there is the man I loved and he loved me. My heart has broken all over again.

I dont believe this. In my case the ow is in her 40s and knew he was married. Shes divorced and has her own children.
I blame him 100% ...however if the ow had morals and standards they'd be noone to cheat with.

Id be so cross too. Its the ultimate act of selfishness.. all about their wants.
I caught mine red handed with her and told her some home truths..we still jad sex...very often..
The ow in my case is as thick as mince. He wouldn't speak to me on the phone with her there...why? Because wed say i love you at the end of the convo..but that's wouldnt fit his narrative of how awful I am and how there is no love left...did ahe not think that was odd?? It woild be the 1st thing I'd notice.. but im not stupid..

I’m struggling massively today. Some days it just hits so hard again even 18 months on. I feel like I am going to be alone forever but he’s just transitioned seamlessly into another relationship that he was prepared to trade time in with my beautiful brilliant son for. I have a stoma and I just feel like I’ll never be loved again, I can’t even bear to
think about dating someone and having to tell them about it. If my partner of 23 year who saw me battle through pain before having to have this mutilating surgery couldn’t love me with it then why would any other man? I feel like absolute shit today.

Your feelings are valid. If you read through mu posts i had a long relationship too. What pisses me off is he had a breakdown last year..I stuck with him..helped him supported him...then he got better and fucked us all over..
Dont worry about the stoma. If someone is put off then you wouldn't want them anyway.
Most of the women on here have been through shit and still left. My story is long and complicated but even then he dkdnt stick around. I read an article that men are more likely to cheat and leave if their partner gets terminal cancer. These are the shit heads we are dealing with. Once the pain passes and im sure it will for all of us..then we may feel better off single. Ive made so many new friends, got back with older friends, had loads of great evenings out with guys ive met..I'll keep them as friends because I do like male company as friends...always have but im 6 months on and have good days and bad. Yesterday I sobbed for ages because I saw him. It was almost like old times then i realised my 27 years relationship is over. Its never coming back qns id never ever be able to trust him again or forgive the lies ans gaslighting he put me through. Maybe one day I'll find someone mature honest and reliable.. maybe I wont. What I do know is every day I get a little stronger...even we dont feel it. Im in the dark tunnel with you holding your arm..we will get to the outside eventually but inside this tunnel are rocks we need to climb over and shit to crawl through...but we will...

Have a look at chump nation on fb and reddit. Listen to leave a cheater gain a life podcast.
Also on fb is an infidelity page. I found them.so useful. Unless you've been through this you dont know how devastating it is. I found speaking to people really helped. Ive now been diagnosed with ptsd..not just by me catching them but his behaviour leading up to it all...im hoping that helps too. Feel free to pm me.

Thank you so much @superplumb sometimes it’s just all too much and I am so so exhausted with life and thinking about what he’s done constantly. The EMDR therapist I am seeing said I have similar to ptsd because of being lied to and gaslit for 18months, it’s bizarre as he’d done want he wanted but emotional manipulated me for months after saying he missed me, was having doubts, couldn’t cope without me all the while he was settling in to living with the other woman, the extent of his deceit mental! If he had been honest and accountable I’d be in a very different place right now. Thank you for offering to listen to me. X