A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

I think if one more person tells me that I am strong I might punch them! I'm not strong, I'm sobbing and broken over a man who has completely given up on 27 years of marriage with no effort!

You really are not alone, until you go through this you have no idea how agonisingly painful it is. I had hoped for too long,mainly because he was keeing me emotionally tethered and saying stupid shit like he’s was having doubts, missed me but it was all so I would sign his financial agreements as he’d already started a life with AF.

Mine wasnt as extreme as transferring money but we had a joint acxount. His salary paid half the bills so any fun money came from me...he spent a fortune on coffees every week...took out cash to pay a deposit to a colleague for bowling...which i queried and asked why not paypal it? He called me controlling for asking him..he later admitted it was for 'coffee and stuff' which is still bullshit..who takes out cash for coffee when he usually uses his card. Even now 4.5 months on hes STILL LYING. hes got his daft mum believing it tho. I made him transfer that cash back into the bank account. You wpkls think that once the affiar is known about, just tell the truth about it all...but they dont.

I know darling. I still get the you're the strongest women i know...
He'll regret it and come crawling back
You'll be fine...you'll see
They wont last..they're built on lies...

I think there is no define being, no karma
Shit things happen to good people and bad people get away with stuff. How we move on i dont know but im in the trenches with you. Xx

He told hundreds of lies over the 18 months and got arrogant and indignant about my accusations which turned out to be completely true, he claimed I was causing tension which affected our son while he was lying repeatedly. I just don’t know how they can sleep when they are lying and leading a double live

Interesting and hopeful article about divorce I saw today: here

Looking for some support /hand hold. This week is mediation and it feels like walls are closing in. The last sessions were awful, ex clearly totally contemptuous of me. Entirely his decision. Won’t speak or acknowledge me, being treated as something he trod in. He has retained our home and our dc as he has decent earnings and I was SAHM. He wants to force house sale, I am losing everything - my whole family life up in smoke. I don’t want my precious home to go, and I can’t even be there he is so hostile. Really at capacity for pain snd deep grief - how can this be happening. I’m nearly a year in and still just in disbelief, and terrified.

@Heartbrokenanddevastated haven’t got any wise words but I’m here with you, 18 months on for me, I’m finding it harder not easier. It’s truly devastating. Just keeping holding on, even if by your finger tips xxx

It will end. It will. It may take ages but you won’t always feel this acute pain. I’m 6 months in, same old story, and I’m still very hurt and struggling to find my new life but it is manageable. And there’s hundreds of single men out there! Why would you be single? Cheer yourself up and go on one of the free dating sites - just chat to a few people. You will gradually build your confidence, but it takes time. I still feel a bit mad from it all but not as much and a tiny part of me is excited to meet someone new and experience new love again - fuck knows I didn’t get a good deal for the past 34 years so why not now? Screw him, he will have his demons visit in the guilt that will inevitably surface later on. They act this way to make you the villain as it absolves them of guilt - temporarily. Make a good life for yourself - but for now, baby steps x

Well said @Cheryllou "They act this way to make you the villain as it absolves them of guilt".

Do NOT listen to whatever bullshit your ex constructs to justify him treating you badly. It's really really not you, but they will scapegoat you to make themselves feel better for hurting you/ shagging someone else/ whatever. After all, if you are actually the mad/bad/sad person they claim you are, what could they possibly do other than bin you off and/or take up with someone else? They absolve themselves of guilt by retelling your whole relationship story with you as the one at fault. It's almost comical how transparent it is, but don't be fooled and certainly try not to spend hours going over and over whatever bullshit justifications they came up with.

It doesn't matter that it's not true, it doesn't matter if you can prove it's nonsense, they are no longer listening to you, and they are no longer your person.

You get to write your own story now. And rewriting your own history to recognise that it wasn't all amazing and, well, "fuck you Dave" is helpful.

Totally agree with ‘there’s no divine being, no karma’.

Being a good person is no guarantee of good things happening to you.

My stbxh gave me such random reasons as to why he cheated on me and left me. ‘You walk slow. You ask me to fill your water bottle. You are nice and chirpy when talking to people but quiet at home. You spend too much money on the children’s activities. you focus too much on their education and schooling.’

I don’t even know how to get my head around to how unlikeable I was to him.

thank you. I know I need time to grieve but I also want desperately to get on with my life somehow. I’ve taken myself away to the coast for a few days and it has been helpful.

You're not unlikable.
I told my ex i had a hospital procedure to check for cancer so I needed him to collect the kods form school. He didn't even ask how ot went. Its like he doesn't care if I live or die.
He told me when I caught him that he took responsibility BUT ( theres always a but) I was so controlling with money and him seeing hos friends. Until I pointed out that I was controlling becuase I knew he wasmt seeing his friends and he wss spending joint money on her and them.
I dont know why they need to blame us. Why cant they jist accept how awful their behaviour has been. Why make excuses. So many do..its a giant man child complex I thjnk. My autistic 9 year old does it too..if I tell him off or he gets caught then its someone else's fault. You wouldn't expect a 46 year old man to act rhe same woild you..but they do. Pathetic creatures

But none of those nonsense reasons to dislike you are true they are just reasons they invent to re-write history and to make themselves feel better about their shitty behaviour and calm their guilt.
It's all part of the infamous Script which is so true to life it's insane. It's a bit pathetic too that so many men do and say exactly the same things!

I’ve posted on here before with a different username. I’ve been divorced about a year now and I have been doing ok. I’ve been living in the family home which we’ve now sold and I’ll be moving to a new house with my DC really soon but I’ve find myself getting over emotional again. Crying at little things and thinking about ExH and how horrible he was at the end of our relationship. I’m actually really sad to be leaving the house which we bought before we married and where my children spent their early years. There are so many memories - lots of good but tinged with bad. Anyone who has moved out of the family home how did it go? Once moved did your emotions settle again?

Ive heard of this script.. not read it tho. I meed to find it.

I had to move out of the family home, he made that decision! He’s still there but I suspect he’ll be selling it asap. I had major surgery not long after I moved out so I think strangely recovering from that was a useful distraction from ruminating on the fact I’d moved out! I try not too think about the house too much, I do feel sad if I do but I’ve been out almost a year and feel like I can’t really remember what it was like living there anymore as life has changed so massively.

What a great thread. I am so sorry so many of us are going through this. It really upsets me to see how many of us have been treated so badly.

I have been separated from my ex for 2 years. He told me he was unhappy and that he couldn't make me happy so we should split. It was all rather confusing and I felt there was more to it. Turned out it was and there was some lying & hiding of text messages going on. Not 100% sure what happened but the gaslighting and lying was the last straw.

I have a chronic health condition that started 2 years before the split and many other stressors and I feel like this played a big part in the break up. So much for in sickness and in health.

I was doing ok until I heard he was going on holiday with a women he met a few months after we split which has brought up many emotions again. Feel like I am back to square one. This has really blind sided me but I am trying to tell myself that this is just another part of recovering.

I’m joining the group. Dh told me after forty years together he wants a divorce. I’m scared of life alone in my 60s. He says there is nobody else but I know he’s lying and who he’s being seeing. We haven’t told adult dc yet but he’s pushing me to let him tell them and to get the house in the market so he can get his share. I will only be able to buy a flat. In the meantime we are going through the motions of normal life.

@Tiredandwired2 @Scaredofthefuturealone
Sorry you find yourselves here, both your situations resonate with me, I have a chronic illness and a stoma which played a big part in him having an affair and disposing of me for her (also of course she’s much younger than me!) and I’m 50 this year and I am afraid of facing the rest of my life alone. Of course he denied it all along and it’s only financial disclosure that brought out the full truth about his adultery.
I’m 18 months on and completely tortured everyday by his deception and abandonment. I’m trying EMDR this week as I just can’t move on.

Hi all

I’ll join too if that’s ok - I’ve posted a couple of times but I’m really struggling to come to terms with recent separation which happened fairly suddenly and traumatically.

He has left for another woman and apparently it’s serious. He said he was unhappy for ages (which I believe). But I still can’t quite believe he would tank things so quickly and cruelly.

I’ve been pinging around the stages of grief quite violently - was in denial and bargaining for a long time, a brief visit to anger and now I’ve settled firmly in depression.

I can’t come to terms with the fact that his decision has been made and he is completely done (even if OW wasn’t there). I was in denial about this for quite a while but now this truth has settled on my heart. I am absolutely crushed that it is all over.

But it makes it so very very very much more painful the thought of him with someone else. It is unbearable.

Sorry to hear that. I hope the edmr helps. Im currently waiting on that too. Still get flashbacks 5 minths on. I really hoped id be better now.

@superplumb I’ll keep you posted about EMDR, might be a few weeks before I actually get into it though as first appointment just an assessment.
I can’t believe how stuck I am but I think that’s because he gaslit me for so long, I knew there was someone else but he denied it for 18 months. How do they sleep at night?? 😡😡😡

I’m so sorry that this awful experience happens so often to so many people.

my stbxh too has sworn up and down that there is no ow. However I have now found uber receipts that detail him taking a cab to and from a specific address, often really late at night after work. I’m trying to think if he has friend who lives in that area but that’s just wishful thinking.

it’s only been six weeks for me and the grief and anxiety is like a shadow.

@Bienbien sadly it mostly seems that our gut instincts are usually true and we these men are prepared to deny, deflect, and lie about it up until the point we have hard evidence.
I do not know how these men sleep at night, how they live with themselves telling lies day in and day out. You’d thinking it would be psychologically shattering for them.