A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Weekends are particularly tough as that is when most people have family time / spend it with their partners .
I usually have a busy week but also struggle at weekends . Unless I am doing something with my kids , not the norm as they would rather be online or out with friends I don’t have anything much to do either .
I am usually fine during the week , but have found myself being a bit weepy again today .Not sure why , but rest assured those who are new to this club that it isn’t my default setting all the time now .

I am again sorry to read about all the shitty things your exes have done . You do need to try and get to that mindset where you really have very low / no expectations of them .

i think when we expect them to act decently , we are just giving them more ammunition to hurt us again .We have to try and make ourselves as immune as possible to anything they do . Easy to say , but I do know not so easy in practice .

They have treated you really badly , this could be due to a mid life crisis , narcissistic traits , selfishness or just being a horrible person or even a combination of all of these . So don’t be surprised / hurt by anything they do .
Sadly it doesn’t matter that you have e.g had children with them ,been with them for years / decades even , put them first , made sacrifices for them and your family . It simply doesn’t matter to them as you are no longer their priority , they have moved onto to the OW / new girlfriend .

Think of them like a serial killer , you wouldn’t be surprised if they murdered someone else . So likewise, do not be surprised that your ex is continuing to do horrible things and has no regard for your feelings whatsoever . That is because you are no longer important to them .

They can come across as a nice and decent person to others , especially to the OW / new girlfriend because they are still trying to impress them . They can be seen as such a decent and kind person to them and also to their family members . That is where the narrative of you as the crazy ex comes in . It can’t possibly be the ex who was at fault in your relationship , because look how kind and decent they are now .

That is why it is really important for us all to not hide away indefinitely as others have already said . Yes take sometime to lick your wounds and get over the shock and hurt . But this is not on you , it is on them . It is important that you reach out for support in real life and get your side of the story out when it is appropriate .Do not feel guilty , ok none of us is / was perfect in the relationship - but we aren’t the ones that tossed it aside and didn’t give our partner the chance to work on it / end things amicably if the relationship had reached it’s end . No they unilaterally decided the relationship was over and they spent some time dealing with that and looking for a replacement / auditioning that replacement whilst you were completely in the dark .

So take care all of you that find yourself on this chat . We are kind and decent people who find ourselves struggling with this all, as we know we would never treat others / our ex the way we have been treated .

Weekends are hard. Esp sat evenings i find. I try to fill my time with seeing friends. I have people over..he never liked that really and I felt awkward as hed usually embarras me ..but now I have people over. It means ive made new friends, deeper friendships woth those I knew already...it does get easier...then bad again.. then easier again. Everyone told me this and I didn't believe them. I also have counselling too as it helps me off load.

Agree. The lengths mine went to to cover it up. Sending fake photos of flat tyres so hed be home late getting his friends to send text messages pretending he was staying over at their house, even deleting dash cam footage showing his drive to work so I didnt see where he went before. .he underestimated my intellect and intuition. I suspect he wanted to see how the ow played out then hed have the choice to choose. Only I caught him way earlier than he expected...so I ruined all his grubby little plans. I mean their first date was a weatherpoons ffs..how classy.

My god! I had a flat tyre story too for explaining why he was somewhere when he said he was somewhere else!! I think they are seriously mentally disturbed individuals and I am starting to see that I really don’t want my old life back with someone so disordered. At first I wanted to email the co working slut of a girlfriend to tell her what sort of person he is, send her the manipulative gaslighting messages he’d sent me over 18 months but I actually don’t want her to know how mentally sick in the head he is, she can enjoy the fall out from that in a few years once she’s totally invested herself and her child bearing years in him 😂

When I called him hed never speak to me in front of her. We still told each other we loved each other in person and on the phone. She's too dumb to realise that....she never asked herself why doesn't he speak to her in front of me..its because he told her a load of lies...probably we never have sex ( we did) told her how awful and cold i am ( im not) but telling her..yeah we still have sex, book nights away togehrer wont fit his narrative.
Both as stupid as one another. Welcome to each other. Im glad I dont need to waste the next 27 years of my life with him. The only thing that makes me sad is that he took my youth...

Totally agree with the extent of lies. Mine told me day after day that he was pulling all nighters at work or staying over at a friend’s house after a match. In reality he was with her. He with her when he told me he was going on a work trip. He was with her through the whole period when dd was taking 11+ and I was flat to the mat prepping her for it. The girlfriend is 25 and a junior at work. How pathetic!
Yesterday he was meant to take dd for an activity. Didn’t show up. Today, dd doesn’t want to see him for Father’s Day and wants to spend the day at home watching movies and ordering in. Weirdly, her decision gives me a small satisfaction. Why should my dc have to spend any time with their lying cheating emotionally abusive scumbag of a father? I hate the fact that he is their father and that I wasted the prime of my life on him.

What hurt me is when I was having panic attacks due to medication changed ( he convinced me to try a new one ( which made me paranoid apparently)) and he refused to cancel a night out with his friends and staying over even tho im home alone with 2 of our children...having sex ejth her was more important than my health and the children. What would've happened if I died and the kifs found me...he didn't care. Hotel sex more important than wife of 27 years and our children. His mum has the audacity to say that hes an amazing father.!! Can't make this shit up. Just wish I'd never married him. The men I turned down over the years because I was faithful....my life couldve been so much better. Im 99% sure he is autisic so my children are...guess its from bim..so im left raising two autisic children too..he rarely sees them. Once a week. No overnight either.

That is just evil leaving you alone in that situation, it is unfathomable how they just detach emotionally so absolutely. I can just about accept how they don’t care about us anymore but that they would cause harm to the most important person to their child/children - us - I don’t know how they knowingly do that basically for nothing more than sex and ego massage. They are degenerates and no matter how sexy, desirable or wonderful they think they are for being able to pick up some equally morally deficient young slapper they are not the kind of man that a truly good, intelligent, empathetic woman would want.

Yep. Ive also been going through some cancer tests recently. He knew thjs, not once asked how it went. Literally nothing. I may as well be dead. Not sure the psychology behind it. Maybe he can't face me or what hes done to me, maybe hes a coward...maybe hes having yet another brekwadown albeit slowly...or maybe all the above. Still hurts that im treated like someone he used to know ..despite having sex with me up to me catching him, telling me he loved me, how we would grow old togeher...hes gone fucking nuts.

The delusion they are a great dad really is quite baffling. I’ve been wondering recently what his relationship will be like with his adult children when they come to when they understand what he has done.

I know..a lot of men think that by seeing their kods makes them a great dad...they dknt actually show up when it matters
My ex never watched a sports day. Hed always say he couldn't book a single day off...told me that fir years. He could for hotel sex with the ow tho. He never asks abouy their counselling sessions...or how they were when they got chicken pox, even refused to see them in case he got shingles and passed it onto his mum...it was ok for me to catch it though!!. The vast majority of men are totally selfish. Im lucky in that rhe men in my bloody family are all fantastic men..it gives me hope one day but I dont think ill ever trust any man again.

I think about this too. I think I will be ok with it if my dc don’t want to have a close relationship with him. Actions have consequences. I know I should be more emotionally mature about this but at the moment I can’t find it in myself to be magnanimous.

Natural to feel that way. I dont think my ex is bothered but I make mine see their dad. They'd rather stay at home but I won't be accused by anyone if stopping them seeing him. When they get older they can make their own mind up.

I think you get a free pass on being magnanimous!

So is there any way one could separate/divorce and still remain best friends? Because I think this is where we're at. There's still lots of love between us but I guess DH has changed/grown/wants peace and space to be happy in his skin, and I know he's suffered with MH immensely over the last years. I desperately want him to be happy because he genuinely is a good person, and he also says he still wants to have me in his life. We've been hanging out a few times a week with our child, we still joke and laugh and I enjoy spending time with him. I think I still want to be more than friends but this is the guy who is my soul mate and has been my best friend for 20 years, and I think I would just be pleased to have this friendly relationship with him, if nothing else. Does that sound super naive?

There's no OW and no interest in other people on either side at the moment. He's the main breadwinner and is determined to keep me and DC going financially. I'm thinking just keep doing what we're doing and see if we can make it as friends? Weirdly neither wants a divorce either but that's probably because it's a scary concept. Has anyone made it work like this or will we just end up resenting each other and drifting apart?

I’m sorry so many are in the same situation. Is there a book men read “100 reasons why you are late home, out for the evening or staying overnight” followed by the sequel “100 reasons to say why you want a divorce so you don’t have to admit to affair”.

That actually made me laugh.

Hahahah...i can help....his excuses.

You're too controlling with money and when I see my mates
We don't have enough sex
I dont feel the same anymore
I love you but not in love with you
Not happy for ages.
You've changed
I feel suffocated.

Controlling as I knew you were cheatinf and using our joint money to do so so when I queried this you got mad. When i asked why you had to sleep over at a mates house when we live 10 up the road ans I offered to collect you...yeah I guess my questions made me controlling

We do have sex...not 7x a week anymore but we still did...I also didnt like the way you got rough towards the end...esp the hand around my neck. Maybe the new ow liked that..I didnt. I got sexy underwear for our night away..you know for all the sex we dont have.

You dont feel the same because I expressed by dissatisfaction at having to earn more money to keep up afloat while dealing with rhe house ans kids...it was exhausting and I was done with it .

Not in love with me...told me this when I caught you cheqting not before..
Wasn't happy for ages...ditto above despite me telling you to leave..you said you loved us all and wouldn't leave us. You had your chance so I guess you only became unhappy once caught.
.Yeah I had changed. Got tired of your bullshit and told you so. Told you to pull your finger out and you didnt like it.

Suffocated becuase I challenged you. You dont like being challenged ans you dont do hard work...

Funny how all their excuses are post caught aren't they..

Anyone got any stories how their in laws have protected their cheating son and invalidated your pain?

My mil wqs great at rhe start. She had also been cheated on. But when I asked her directly whether she think I deserved it.. she'd keep saying..I dont know what went on im your marriage...but she also thinks hes a great dad too so there is no hope for her. She believes everything he tells her. She says..he jas no reason to lie to her..I keep telling her he has every reason...but it falls on deaf ears. Ultimately she wont want to believe she raised an awful person will no moral compass. If one of my boys treated their wife the way he treated me, id kill him myself. I certainly wouldn't give him a bed and cook his meals for him!!

Mine has been awful and totally invalidated what he’s put me through, told me it’s been 18 months so I should have moved on (after 23 years) but it was only 18 months post spilt the true extent of his lies came out and only as a result of financial disclosures which he still tried to conceal from me. Of course he’s moved on, he’d moved with OW while we were still married!
She has just deflected and minimised as he did, I am so angry as I’ve again let myself be manipulated by them.

For me it’s only been six weeks so in laws are currently very supportive of me and outraged on behalf of their son. Not sure how long that will last though.

That’s promising that they are outraged, they may well be supportive to you. My mil told my mum if he was lying about there being an OW she’d disown him, when it was shown he did indeed have an OW and was lying to everyone it was me that was ostracised and told to move on!

I hope this works out for you. This is the ideal divorce scenario. However, when the nittigritties of finances arise and dating starts, most people find that there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. I hope you defy the norm.

Thanks. I agree that these are the stumbling blocks here, but I'm hoping that with open and honest conversations we can overcome those. I know he is a good egg and will not try to fuck me over, and I don't intend to do that to him either. We're looking at our options in terms of finances and eventually seek professional help with finances to ensure everyone is happy. The main interest for both is stability and security for DC and he is keen to keep us in the family home even if it means him living somewhere a bit modest. His family are also supportive and very keen on making sure me and DC are OK.

The dating thing is a scary one but I feel I don't want to stress about it until it becomes relevant. I'm not interested in dating and nor is he, but if he does end up finding someone I fully appreciate they would not be happy with him having such a close relationship with his (ex)wife. That's something to think about, but we just need to find our feet first. I do hope we can make this work. Life would suck without him.