A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@ShylaA040404 thank you, it’s been nice (in a horrible short of way) to know of others going through the situation.
I think Im also feel terribly selfish doing this as well particularly when I see how hard some of your experiences have been. Although it’s lacked affection and not fulfilled my needs over the years, he has ultimately been a ‘good guy’ throughout and I just wish we could be what we both need from each other but we just seem to keep making each other sad in the end.
I keep going backwards and forwards and we are both in that ‘so what do we do next phase’ I kinda wish, I could move on a year from now and just have all this over and done with either way.
i send you all strength and love!

@Itisallgoingtobeok bless you. I cry every single day, I think I’m addicted to it now, I’ve cried nearly every single day since august. How are you feeling now? Do you want to PM me?

I have cried every single day this week. Some days it’s a proper, fetal position sob, others it’s just a couple of tears. But I’m exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of it all.
H is saying all the right words - I want us to work, I want to try etc etc, and started off the work being overly attentive, but naturally it didn’t last long and by Friday he was cold and distant again. But when I bring it up I’m being told I’m just misinterpreting the situation, and reading too much into everything etc. saying one thing but acting the other, so I’m not letting my guard down too much, it’s still in my mind that he’s leaving and we are over, it’s all just a charade. I’m looking forward to starting counselling this week, I don’t know whether it will fix us, I believe it’s a 50/50 chance of stay or split, but at least I can say I tried.
on the positive side though, I’ve been desperately trying to loose that lockdown weight for years now, but have lost 6lbs in the last week. Silver lining an all that.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so much

@PotsnPan I just saw your post. I'm on my way to work but will PM later. I hope you are doing ok. I woke up and immediately started crying again. I have to find a way of working through this... I hate that he has made me feel this way. I hope you are doing ok. I'm sending positive vibes.

I just feel so sad because I am 7 months down the line now and I still think about him every day most people are feeling better at this point. I mean I do feel better than the early months but after a weekend alone and I know he is on holiday with her not giving me a second thought yet I still have this ridiculous hope that he does. I mean what does that say about me desperate or what.

Sorry to all those struggling. I am also on the emotional rollercoaster, cycling between tears/sadness and a kind of manic urgency to do stuff to sever the relationship. To file the divorce application, instruct a solicitor, contact an estate agent, pack. Both extremes are exhausting. And I still find myself ruminating and worrying over the situation. At times I find myself thinking maybe it wasn't that bad, they weren't having sex, it wasn't very physical. But the emotional and intellectual closeness of their messages and the planning ahead for the future (tickets for a concert in November... when we were supposedly going to be in a 'trial separation') shows that they were very much in a 'relationship', physical or not. I don't think it's the affair so much that has devastated me as the way I was led to think that I was the one trying to end our marriage and my H was basically the innocent party, all while he knew he was in a deep emotional relationship with someone else and just waiting for me to be off the scene to take it further. That's the bit that I have to keep telling myself is not forgivable because it shows just how little he cared about my feelings or interests. And if someone doesn't care about your feelings or interests, you can hardly stay married to them.

Hope everyone is doing ok today 💐

I also can't quite get my head around the totally deafferent person DP has become since the separation. Total indifference to the kids. I don't expect him to have my feelings front and centre but a little bit of compassion would be something I once would have known him to show. Now it's just a giant sense of entitlement that he has to live his new life exactly how he pleases cos he deserves it. And to hell with anyone else's feelings.

After talking to IRL people and reading here, it seems to be a well worn pattern for some men. They get to a certain age/period in their life where they think 'fuck - I've been a king, loving and decent human being all my life, now I'm just going to be a selfish arse cos I deserve it. I've earned my arseholeness'

Having said all that I am also 100% going to believe that the women they have treated like the scum of the earth are going to come out of this the other side 100 times stronger, bolder and healthier then the men ever could dream of.

Take care all

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease I'm with you. I could cry at any given time too, it is so easy. We are dealing with so many emotions, yesterday even looking at families when we were out made me want to cry. I am with you too on the weight, mine is the last of baby weight (even though my youngest is 5!) but it seems to be easier to get rid of when you are so sad every second. I wish you guys luck going through it. My H has said he's done, but since he hasn't left yet I am working on doing what I want to try and show him we shouldn't be done and at the same time build strength and face reality. Not easy to do both, but just asking yourself what you want right now and taking action to achieve it has been helping me not wallow as much.

@wanttobebetter1 I don't think its desperate, I think it is a normal part of grieving and no one should rush it. I'm sending you my support and positive thoughts as these are really brutal things to deal with and it makes perfect sense to me that you are feeling them deeply.

@harlemriver You are so right. I think the circumstances you are describing, that your husband led you to believe he was the innocent party and you were the one ending the marriage is so hard. That is very similar to what I am going through, my husband tells me we are through, but it is my choice whether or not to get a divorce. So I have to be the bad guy. It is the worst feeling in the world facing this but you are right. You can't make anyone care about your feelings, it is just so difficult to face.

@purpleandpurple I agree with you that we will come out stronger. Although, I do wonder somewhere far along the line if I will ever be able to trust another man again? Even three months ago I would have told you my marriage would survive anything. I feel so stupid and naive. Maybe time heals all wounds, but I do feel like what this whole thing has taught me so far is that you can never trust or depend on anyone.

I’ve just been reading some of this thread and really identifying with so much of it. It was my decision to end my marriage of nearly 23 years and my husband moved out just over a week ago. The hurt is absolutely brutal, I honestly had no idea it was possible to feel like this constantly but to somehow have to just keep going. I have friends who are amazingly supportive but I still feel so alone.

Thanks @ShylaA040404 It is interesting to see how similar so many of our stories are. I had a very interesting conversation this morning at the gym - I can't sleep or eat and feel sick all the time at the moment, so I thought I would go for a swim & sauna at 7am to try and clear my head. In the sauna there were 4 men, 3 probably in their 70s and 1 in his 40s (ish), talking about the younger man's divorce and comforting him from their own experience. The older guys had 8 marriages between them and the 5 that failed were all because their wife had been cheating! And they had all found happiness on their 2nd or 3rd attempt and were now talking from the position of 20+ year successful marriages.

I chipped in with my own tale of woe and they made me feel so much better. They said things like, yes it hurts at first and it's painful and you feel terrible for a bit. But you will feel better and your life will get better and you will realise it's been a positive thing. One of them said, divorce means change, and change is an opportunity to make your life better. They all said that they had enjoyed their lives after divorce much more than they would have if they had stayed married to those partners.

There was lots of laughter and swearing but also lots of care. One of them said, it doesn't feel like it for you right now and you probably don't think you even want it but one day it'll be in the past and you'll find someone that loves you again.

They also said, watch out because the guilty party always tries to make it your fault. They can't handle their own guilt so they have to find someone to blame. And that these men had believed it the first time and wasted years thinking about what they had done wrong and how they had failed to make the marriage work, and the second time it happened they realised, no this is on you. So apparently it's not just men who play these mind games and follow these scripts!

It was just such a healing conversation. They said they are there every morning at 7am and available for divorce counselling any time :)

@harlemriver Okay this is such a nice story and gives me a lot of hope so I appreciate it and I am most glad for you that you were a part of such a nice and healing conversation. It also goes to show you that when you start doing things for yourself you get a lot out of it, even the unexpected benefits of your divorce counseling group. I have also heard that about change and it is one of the things I try to remember as I am going through all of this. I echo whoever said I wish I could just fast forward a year and be where I end up instead of having to go through all of this.

Also as an aside, does anyone have elementary school age children and how has this worked in terms of their and your friend group? I have a close group of friends at my kids' school and in general any of the friends who are single and relatively attractive tend to feel ostracized by the overall group of moms. I always sort of thought they were being too sensitive but now that I am going to be there I am worried about that too. I know I shouldn't care but its just another thing I am worried about even if it is silly and superficial. Also, of course, single dads are viewed as a prize and revered instead of put on the outskirts of a group.

Hi everyone,

@harlemriver That does sound really healing. I have found reading books and listening podcasts to other people who have gone through the same thing really helpful, but haven’t had any male stories. It does happen to 42% of us though. I feel like I am going to be so prepared to be the best friend ever if any of my friends have to go through this too - I had no idea how horrific it could be.

I have cried several times today too. Had to leave my in law family WhatsApp group and that felt very sad and final.

For those who are too anxious to eat, this is does pass eventually. I have my appetite back more or less now the shock has worn off a bit. But have lost half a stone - one upshot!

I bought myself some sage today to smudge and clear the house - embracing my full on woo woo side to get through this- something my ex would have laughed at , but feels good to me. I am building strength to look at the practical and financial side of things. Has anyone had any legal advice?

Also to the poster who mentioned not being able to trust again - I hear you . But what I have learned is that I can trust my friends 100% - those who have stepped up have been incredible and shown me so much love and support. Thank goodness for girlfriends. And I am learning to trust myself 100% too - my feeling that something isn’t right, my ability to set boundaries and put myself first. We can always rely on ourselves. This is my massive life lesson in not looking for external validation in a relationship again.

@ShylaA040404 thank you so much for your positive wishes I need them

Gosh I am struggling so much to hold it together right now. Ds10 who I thought would be home with me tonight is heartbroken and wants his dad so I arranged for him to pick him up after work so I am currently home alone. Ds17 will be home in about 40 minutes so I want to try and be ok when he gets here.
me and ds10 have spent a lot of the day crying, he is so upset I told his dad to move out, feels I have destroyed his world and is putting all his anger my way. I will take it, I know he is scared more than anything and will come around but I am absolutely broken for him. He adores his dad so much and I think he is struggling with what he saw him do and so it’s easier to blame me. I don’t think I am grieving my now ex at this point but for my kids and the life we all should have had. I’m angry this has all been thrown away by him and that he clearly didn’t care enough to live my ds17 as his own like I thought he did or it wouldn’t have happened
I’m broken

I am hoping this, the first day he has officially left, will be the worst. I pray to god it will get just the tiniest bit easier each day that passes 💔

I'm just catching up with today's posts. So many wise words. I am taking comfort in them, but I am so sorry we are all going through this. Today has been really hard. I've only just managed to hold it together at work. I'm home now and can feel myself starting to collapse into tears again. I'm exhausted by it all.

I'm sending hugs to all.

It will get better. Hang on in there. Be there for your lovely DC and know you did the right thing. As hard as it was, it was the right thing.

Wow. This has hit me hard, in a good way. I needed to hear this. Thank you.

@Outoftheblues i am certain that today will be the hardest, and it will get easier everyday. It’s like you are sitting in the eye of the storm right now, but it will pass. I am a mix of dreading the day dh moves out whilst also looking forward to the freedom and peace it will bring. It will be so unimaginably painful on our youngest dc who utterly idolises his dad. He’s very sensitive too so I know will struggle. It’s a massive massive adjustment for everyone, but it will soon become the new normal and the hard feelings forgotten.
we all just need that Time Machine

Hi all, just catching up with today's messages. So much pain and so many tears spilled on this thread. I'm so angry at all these men treating us this way. But I also feel the strength on here, and that gives me hope. @harlemriver your story of the gym was inspiring. We all need to hear that it will get better and easier. So hard to believe but I'm praying it's true. Sending you all strength and love.