A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

That’s a good idea, thank you. will catch up later

Great idea! As the days go on, I'm starting to realise just what a rollercoaster road lies ahead. I think we'll all benefit from a handhold from time to time. Xx

Hi. Been separated 4 months as my STBXH was having an affair. I'm devastated and desperately don't want it to happen but know I have no choice. He lives with her now. 2 kids plus a stepdaughter. He doesn't seem to care how selfish he is.

To update those who haven’t read my posts, separated just over 13 weeks, husband left, no other woman, history of depression and MH on his part, constant arguments since august although he was continuing to tell me he loved me and wanted to work at the marriage up to 2 days before he left. 1 DD (his step but he has assumed dad role), completely cut me off and blocked me like I don’t exist, I’m in the midst of a severe depression requiring a lot of professional support. Feel as though my world has ended, never known anything like this, wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy - here to support and take support from others in a similar situation

6 months separated from my boyfriend who left me for another girl. I hoped to have forgotten all about him by now but haven't they are on holiday together this week. I feel sick

Thank you for the new thread @harlemriver
So at the moment I’m currently stuck in some awful limbo that is absolutely messing with my head and my heart.
dh told me on Saturday, in the coldest and most detached way (whilst at a wedding reception of all places!) that he’s not happy, he can’t see a future with us because we are just too fundamentally different and want different things. This absolutely floored me to say the least because although things haven’t been great for the last couple of months, and I’ve felt him detach from me and the family, I didn’t realise it was that bad. It was just so cruel. On Sunday he spent most of the day ignoring me, replying to anything I asked with short answers, but otherwise acting like I was invisible. Until the evening when he wanted to sit and talk, and just threw out insults and nitpicking at all my faults. Well until, he told me that I don’t understand how hard the last few years have been for him including being a part time parent to his eldest dc (we both have dc from previous relationships) and when I threw back that he wants to do that to our youngest, he changed his attitude. I think the sudden realisation of what he was saying. So now he wants to try couples counselling which I have agreed to, and the last 3 days he is back to his old self, acting like nothing has changed and my world hasn’t just shattered, if anything being far more attentive then he has been for the last few months. But it is just a total mindfuck because I can’t pretend everything is ok and play happy families, because he’s acting like everything is fine but now I know he’s so deeply unhappy and it just feels all fake, it’s driving me crazy.
and now I’m having time to process what I want too, do I actually want to stay married myself? Is this my get out card?
I have no fears about being a single parent, been there done that before so I know I’ll be fine. Financially I’ll be fine too (I have a better career and promotion prospects then he does anyway, plus - I guess partly from being a single mum before and always having that protective wall up - I’ve already done the benefits and Cms calculations so I know I’m good). but he’s my best friend, my rock. I can’t imagine him not being on the end of a text message.
I’m looking forward to the counselling next week though, it will be nice to be able to address his heavy drinking and social media addiction via a third party (so it’s not just me nagging, moaning and criticising him).

sorry to hear about your weekend @CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease I hope the counselling helps. Perhaps you should get individual counselling as well as the couples counselling? I suspect that a lot of us who have stayed in these kinds of relationships have been putting ourselves second for a long time, and I have found my counselling sessions have really helped me focus on what I want rather than constantly thinking about how I can fix things, keep things going etc.

A bit like your situation really, I have been really struggling with trying to figure out what my husband feels, and coming to terms with the fact that if I look at this behaviour he doesn't seem to care about me at all. The big shift for me is in recognising that I deserve better/that this isn’t enough. For a long time I've been telling myself that this is just what long relationships are like, that he is a good guy really, that it’s my fault for driving him away, that I can’t make him responsible for my happiness. With the help of posts here and from counselling, it is finally clear in my head that no, this is not what a loving relationship looks like, that he has been unbelievably selfish for years and that if I am responsible for my own happiness then I need to stop putting up with a relationship that makes me unhappy. (Plus, I don't have a choice anyway since he wants to split too!)

Coming to my senses has definitely been made easier by the zero effort that he has put in. In the two months since we first decided to split, he has still not taken the time to properly talk it over with me - though he does have time to go for drinks after work on his office days, and this weekend he is going away with his sister, though I can’t remember the last time he took even a day off to spend with me (and I will be leaving for a long trip just a few days later so this would have been the last opportunity for us to spend time together before I go and really the last chance to save our relationship).
It’s just so obvious that he doesn’t give a shit that I am finally finding my anger at how I’ve been treated for so long. At last, my feelings are catching up with my brain. I don’t have that pull to go back or make it work or talk myself into staying. I’ve told him that we have to have a proper talk next week before I leave and plan to submit the divorce application after that.

I am still churned up about it all but am trying to hold onto those core thoughts: this relationship is making me deeply unhappy; my husband has made no effort at all to save it or show that he cares about me; the only option I have now is to leave to save my own future. It's not a choice between divorce and a happy relationship, but a choice between divorce and decades more of being taken for granted and neglected. And that choice is much easier to make.

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease and @harlemriver I second the need for individual counselling. That's how I came to realise just how unhappy I was in my relationship. But whereas I wanted to try and make it work, my H obviously didn't. There seems to be another thread running through a lot of our stories, of the woman making a real effort to sort things out and the man just cutting them dead and not making an effort. It seems very cruel, but I think (without wanting to generalise too much) that this is the only way some men know how to get the message across that it's over for them, in the hope that the woman will get fed up and eventually leave. I know that overnight my H stopped ringing/texting at all when he was away with work (which was 80% of the time) having previously never gone a day without. This left me feeling utterly bereft and just not knowing what was going on. At that point, I think it becomes about deciding what YOU want. And as @harlemriver said, it's no longer a choice between separation and a happy marriage, the happy marriage has long gone. I'm still in shock that 25 years can be over just like that, but I just know I can't continue as we are (and anyway, he's said it's over now) I'm definitely growing stronger, but still have massive wobbles over what this means for my future. My kids will very soon be flying the nest and I'll be on my own. That's terrifying to me.

I think you are right @cakeoverexercise , in my case anyway, about the partner checking out in order to force a separation. Though I am finding myself thinking a lot about the mumsnet-ism that men are like monkeys and don't let go of one branch unless they have another one to jump to... I am increasingly thinking this is true in my case. My husband is much more attached to his phone than he used to be and never leaves it unattended. He's also doing those classic things of going to the gym and buying new clothes! I even tried to look at this phone but he's changed his password again (also relevant as he hadn't changed his phone login for a very long time and now seems to have changed it twice in six months). I don't know if I will ever get confirmation of my suspicion and I don't know if it really matters at the end of the day. It's just another piece of the jigsaw, but it is reminding me that I really have to think only of what is best for me at this point as nobody else will.

@harlemriver Yes, exactly the same in my case, which is where my suspicions about someone else have arisen. The sudden U-turn in contact, a new haircut, getting his teeth fixed (after I've been nagging him for years to sort them out), new clothes and aftershave. But it could just be him preparing for his new single life now he's finally managed to get rid of me. Who knows, and I suppose in some ways it doesn't really matter. Like you, I'll probably never have my suspicions confirmed as he's emphatically denied it on the two times I've asked him. Still hurts like hell though.

Ah it is infuriating! I meant to say @cakeoverexercise you sound like you are doing really well, I know this is a very recent shock for you. Facing so much change at once is daunting, for sure. But if your children are moving on in life (which seems like an indication that you have done a good job in preparing them for independence) if you would be dealing with that phase in an empty and unsupportive marriage. This way, even if it is difficult and not what you ultimately wanted, you can at least move forward towards a new chapter that can ultimately be much happier and more fulfilling. I hope so.

@harlemriver Thank you. I'm definitely stronger than I was this time last week, but I still have major wobbles. I think once I get the practicalities sorted of who will live where and what the finances will look like, I'll feel more able to move on. But I'm already missing having what I once considered my rock to lean on. I'm on my own now, and that's a scary place to be after 25 years. Your posts give me strength though, as I can see how far you've come in the last few weeks. I hope your upcoming trip is a healing one where you can properly take stock of your next moves.

I could use this too, hope you don't mind if I join. I started another thread a few days back about how my husband told me a few weeks ago that we lack a "sexual connection" (despite the fact that we continue to have sex) that he thinks is the sole cause of his depression and he is "ready to move on" and won't hear of working on our marriage. He says it cannot be fixed. We have three children under ten, he is currently out of town with our oldest but I expect I will have to deal with this on his return. I'm very scared of what lies ahead. I could definitely use all the support I can get.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like we have similar issues, my husband has recently told me the same thing, although I have been fighting him on it but the shock is starting to wear off and I'm moving into the acceptance phase, in that, I am starting to accept he's done. I feel the same way as you, I feel the world crumbling around me. We have three young kids (9/7/5) who don't know, so I am struggling to hold it together around them but it is so very hard. I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and cry and I am having a very hard time with doing my job as I work full time. I can't think of anything except that life as I know it is over and everything will change. Giving you my support, maybe it will help us to go through this together.

What you are saying about the woman making a real effort to sort things out and the man not, that rings so true for me as well. I read a statistic, not sure if its entirely accurate, that 80% of divorce filings are done by women. I think, at least in my situation, it is my husband's decision to tell me he is "done", "ready to move on", etc. but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He tells me in the same breath that he'll always be there for me and nothing will change. How can that be possible? I think these are the things they say to assuage their guilt. Especially re: our children, because we have three young ones and he is telling me (and himself) that nothing will change for them and that we'll still be one family. This is so very hard. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

jazz hands ... well turns out my suspicions were correct... I decided I only had a few days left to find out if anything was going on, so took my husband's phone last night when his attention was turned away for a second and found a long whatsapp thread with a woman from work. He had mentionitis about her when he first started working there 9 months ago and it was obvious she'd made an impression and then he stopped talking about her entirely (also suspicious!). I asked him outright a few weeks ago if there was something happening or he wanted something to happen with her and of course he denied it. But the thread has lots and lots and lots of flirty messages, photos of sunrises, ending with x and hearts etc. He is protesting that nothing physical has happened, but the most recent messages talk about her kissing him in a bar after work and they are expressing very clear shared attraction. Plus the emotional affair is almost worse. It's clear that they are in very deep daily communication - including about us, which is beyond belief when he hasn't been willing to talk fully with me about our separation.

He was going away this weekend anyway so I told him to sleep on the sofa last night and not to come back until after I've left. I will be filing the divorce application next week. It's such a undignified end to all the years we've spent together. I never, ever, ever thought he would do this. While we had many weak points in our marriage, I trusted him implicitly. But I am so glad that I found out. So that's it. Entirely and categorically and absolutely over. And I've got to thank you @cakeoverexercise as our posts yesterday put this more fully into my mind and made me decide to take action rather than just wonder. What a cliche!

Can I join please

@harlemriver so sorry to hear this I am in exactly the same situation as you, I found that DH was using an older phone and I found messages this week which I was so upset by. I've asked him to leave, we have 3 children. Been together so long I am devastated.

I'm new here... I came looking for support as I am in the process of moving out after my husband started to become emotionally abusive. Although I'm the one leaving the marriage I am really struggling with what my marriage has turned into... the future looks completely empty...

@harlemriver I'm so sorry you had to find that out, but the silver lining is that it's the final nail in the coffin you needed. Now there really is no going back, and you can look forward with complete impunity, I fear I will find out the same if I ever manage to get hold of H's phone. I too trusted him completely, thought he was one of the good ones. It honestly is the oldest cliche in the book. But it makes me even more determined to follow that gut feeling as it seems it's nearly always right.

@ShylaA040404 - I have had a similar complaint from my H... it's awful... I'm sorry you are in this position...

@Itisallgoingtobeok and @Philosopherstone Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. We're all in the throes of a really painful process, but hopefully can support each other through it.

Thank you... this is truly awful... despite it being me making the decision to go, I've never felt pain like it...

I think I might need this thread… H left in January after totally shattering my heart into a million pieces. The hardest part was telling our 3 young children and pretending it was a joint decision😭 The children seem to be adjusting okay. I’ve had many many many bad days but as time goes on I find I’m having more good days than bad ones and I even have joy and happiness sometimes. Other days I just cry.

It’s not the life I wanted for myself but I only get one life and I’m not going to let him ruin it. I keep busy with work, exercise and the children and that helps.

I haven’t managed to read the whole thread yet but I’m so sorry to anyone else who is suffering❤️

I'm 4 weeks in to separating although this has been coming for a while and we first talked about it in December. Some days I feel numb and others I can barely go 5 mins without crying. At the moment I move between fear, sadness and anger. Joining for solidarity so we can get through this together xx

Morning All

so very sorry to those just joining on this thread. This is truly the worst thing I’ve ever been thru, to the point where I’ve got at-home mental health support in place.

is anyone else constantly having obsessive thoughts about their despair and the situation, to the point that your head feels sore?

I hate this being in limbo - I can’t bring myself to start the divorce, can’t stand being in this house, but not in a fit mental state to move forward. Trying to engage with all the help I can get but nothings working.

my husband has cut off all means of communication with me; I had to try to get hold of him yesterday over DD and a bill and he’s ignored me and gone apeshit at my daughter, threatening to cut off contact with her