A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

My husband has continued to go out on a night out tonight. I'm here per usual with our young children. I am filled with rage like I need somewhere to channel it.

Can I joint this thread too. My ex partner of 15 years left before Christmas leaving me with a 3 and 5 year old. While away in the states with work he started a relationship with another women claiming he was in an open relationship back home. I found out and he too gave me the “I’ve been unhappy for years” speech. He has spent most of the year abroad and I feel on my knees exhausted both emotionally and physically. I have a great support network of friends but still finding this so so tough. 6 months later and I barely feel I’ve moved forward at all.

@Grounded03 ive just read your back story, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Has your H suffered depression?

I’m just struggling beyond belief, didn’t think it was possible to ever feel this way. I’m on AD but not sure whether they’re doing much good.

all I can say is keep on going, anyone you speak to seems to say you’ll come out of the other side - just wish I was there already, 98 days now of feeling like this x

@Itisallgoingtobeok you sound similar to me - I’ve been called all kinds of names and started to believe some of them. It’s only the last couple of weeks when I’ve realised he was projecting onto me - spoke to him earlier and pointed out to him that I’m not controlling (as he’s told me so many times) only for him to say he knows I’m not?! He’s got mummy & childhood issues that he’s never resolved and when he did come to address them, he chickened out and started on me instead. Why are we crying over these men who have used us as their emotional punchbags?

look after yourself

Hi @ShylaA040404, I’ve read your post and totally understand what you mean by the man you loved turning into a complete stranger, although I can’t for the life of me understand how someone you love can change so drastically. I’m an absolute mess, I feel so guilty on my DD. She’s a young adult but having raised her on my own until she was 7, I thought I’d given her the stable family, just like all of her friends.

Ive spoken to so many women in our position, friends and relatives, and they all say they came through it, it just takes time. So that’s all we can hope for x

You need to unfollow or ask friends not to update you, knowing things like this is torture, I've been there and you feel so much better after blocking

My ex fiancé walked out on me just as we were about to sign on a house, 6 weeks before baby was born. I'm really struggling now but things have got a little better with counselling and spending lots of time with friends, especially as baby gets older and I can sleep more!!
He can still talk to me in such a patronizing way like he did in the relationship and doesn't ever hold the context in mind (i.e. doesn't seem to think 'I should be nice to her after hurting her so much at her most vulnerable time' instead he'd rather point score and 'be right')

My fiancé did this when I was 34 weeks pregnant.just before Xmas. I have wondered a lot about what to tell my son about why daddy doesn't live with us. I don't want him to think it was him (although I suspect it was to do with feeling nervous about the stresses living with a baby would bring) and get issues, but I will find it so hard to pretend that I was ok with it. I also don't want DS growing up thinking it's ok to propose to and then 8 weeks later abandon a pregnant woman. I am also pissed off that I'll be the only one worrying about this while ex sleeps soundly!

I'm so sorry. Don't blame yourself or regret trying- you needed to know if you'd done everything you could, and you did! I hope there is lots of happiness and love in your future xx

I almost could have written this!

Blaming all on me
Emotional text exchange
Promising they'll do the world to help (and then getting blasted for asking for help without enough notice, as if I ever get notice or time for anything, hence point above).

It's like they can't take into context 'I really hurt this person, I'll just let that one go'

He is such a bastard, dangling that over you. Space just means 'time to see if the grass is greener'

You will be hurting so much I know but I can already tell that this cruel man is not a big loss in the context of your whole life you will be glad to be rid of him. I also think your mental health will improve without him being horrible to you.

@PotsnPan Yes, I think he has been suffering with depression, and a major health challenge too. He seemed unhappy with life in general and of course has put the blame on me and conflict in our marriage, but I think it was more than that. I could see we were having problems, but I thought it was just a rough patch, not that our whole life together would implode. The rational, non-emotional part of me can see we weren't meeting each other's needs though, by the end. Doesn't make it any less painful though.

@Grounded03 we’re 14 weeks separated tomorrow and I’m still waking with the anxiety which then lasts all day. Had a couple of better days this week but had a couple of drinks at a work event last night so didn’t take my AD as it makes me drowsy. I don’t know whether that’s affected me today. I keep saying horrible things to my daughter, can’t seem to stop myself. Need to sort myself out, everything is a massive shit show

Sending you my best thoughts, we will get thru this, we have to x

Finally read the full thread.

The first thing that stands out to me is how fucking strong everyone here is. You may not feel strong but yet you are here, still keeping things going.

I’m sorry so many of you/us are hurting, it’s such an awful position to be in. I think I’m a little further down the line then some of you (H told me a year ago he was unhappy and moved out about 6 months ago) and so I hope I can offer some reassuring words.

Yes my heart was shattered and I was distroyed, could barely function some days but had to keep going because of work/kids. I loved him and our marriage so so so much. Many days I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore (a poster upthread mentioned this feeling - I know this feeling but YES you can and YES you will).

But time does heal. As I said upthread the hardest bit was telling the children and supporting them. The next hardest bit was dealing with my own feelings which were all over the place (panic, genuine panic and fear, sadness, rage, SO much rage). But time and “staying in the moment” (as someone else mentioned) have helped so much. It’s still an emotional rollercoaster but I genuinely have many happy days where I feel so happy and content with my life. I does help that my H and I have finally reached a fairly amicable place (by this I mean I don’t actively want to kill him all day long). I know this makes me lucky.

I honestly thought I would NEVER be happy again but that wasn’t true. In some ways I’m happier now because I don’t have to deal with a gian man baby every day😂😂😂

Maybe we can all share some things that have helped us? Though no worries if not. I will start:

• Confide in real life people who you know will be supportive
• Look after yourself! I basically treat myself like a giant overtired toddler and make sure I have regular meals (snacks if meals is too much for me), outdoor time and good sleep (my sleep was awful for a while)
• Treat yourself! Doesn’t have to be expensive, I got myself a nice lip balm just the other day
• Grey rock the giant man baby and don’t feel obliged to get involved emotionally with them
• Find yourself an excellent fuck buddy on Tinder (ok this is not everyone’s cup of tea but it has done wonders for me!)
• Congratulate yourself on getting through each and every day💪💪💪

And… if he is giving you “the script” (I was never happy/you don’t understand me/bla bla bla) don’t believe a word he says. Not a word. He WAS happy. Marrying you WAS his choice. And not wanting to fix things when things got tough was also his choice. Don’t buy his narrative!!!

I won’t pretend to have all the answers. Like I said I still have bad days. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.

@DivorceConfusion Thank you for that uplifting post. It's just what I needed to hear tonight, when I am possibly at the lowest ebb I've been since I first found out we were done (10 days ago, is it really only that short a time ago!) I know a couple of people have mentioned just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. That's where I am now, and only the thought of the DC is stopping me. I just can't envisage my life without H after 25 years of everything revolving around him. I can't see a time when I'll be happy, or even smile, again. So it's really encouraging to hear that time can and does heal. We will all get through this somehow, I have to believe that. In the meantime, all I have to do is breathe and somehow survive one minute at a time.

@PotsnPan I think that's all we can hope for. Today is our anniversary so my H wants to go to dinner - at the same time he's telling me he is suicidal and if he can't see other people he doesn't know what he will do. No one tells you about this part of marriage, do they?

@DivorceConfusion I'll also thank you for that post. I need to hear it. It is so hard to remember in the thick of this absolutely confusing and devastating time. I hate that all of us are going through this but at least if we are we have each other to bounce all of this emotion off of and I am very grateful for that, as well as all of the advice I have received.

I would like to join too please.
My DP of 23 years (we aren't married) told me 6 weeks ago that he had met someone else and wants a separation. Things had not been brilliant for a little while but I didn't think we were terrible together.
The kick in the guts is the speed at which he has moved onto a new, bright shiny life with someone else. How is he living this whole new life like the past 20 plus years hadn't happened?
Here I am all consumed by all the thoughts - rumination is a horrible hole to fall down and I am very deep down that endless pit. And he is in a quandary about which restaurant to take her to.
He couldn't even tell our 4 kids! I had to do that. They are young adults and out of home so dealing with it all ok but he could at least of had the balls to tell them himself.
I am getting some counselling as well. I would recommend talking to a professional if its an option. Someone to help with all the thoughts is worthwhile.
Another thing that is helping is meditation. I have never been into it before all this but I needed some help getting to sleep so found a couple of apps that offer guided sleep meditations. I am having some sleep issues so these are helping somewhat. There are also some quick guided breathing meditations which I sometimes use during the day if I feel like I need a circuit breaker from all the thoughts of him in my head.
I do feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just that the tunnel is long fucking way away right now.

Take care everyone

Over the last few weeks since I left the abuse all I seem to do is cry. I woke up at 3am this morning and the wave of grieve and sadness and anger washed over me again. Today I'm going to try to do something small, something positive. As crazy as it sounds I'm going to cook myself a healthy lunch with some veggies. I haven't eaten much for the last few weeks and friends are telling me I'm loosing weight at an alarming rate.

Anyone want to join me in doing a tiny positive thing for themselves? Whatever will give you the smallest of lifts.

Hugs to all.

@DivorceConfusion Thank you for your encouraging post. I love hearing stories from women who are further down the line and are getting through it, and even thriving. To follow on from what you suggested, here are things that have worked for me:

1. Leaning into the love and support from my friends and telling them what I need (eg telling them I need them to check in on me with texts, accepting invitations of help whenever they are offered.)
2. Having people and friends round for dinner and after school so we have company in the house - this has actually been a joy, and not something I could do as much of when husband was at home.
3. Reading all the books, listening to podcasts, watching Youtube videos about heartbreak and healing.
4. Making a conscious decision to turn off my phone early in the evenings so I am not tempted to text him or re-read texts. Limiting texts/emails as much as I can manage.
5. Planning in things to look forward to.
6. 'Zooming out' of my own head and spending time with other people and asking/hearing about their lives - lots of people have other hard stuff going on too and it puts stuff in perspective.
7. Getting lost in a good book.
8. Getting signed off work when things were really bad, getting low-cost counselling.
9. Writing a list of all the things I didn't like about him - great to refer back to when you feel yourself going into fantasy idealising.
10. A new one - choosing when/how I talk about him. People are interested in what's going on and will ask questions, but it often doesn't make me feel better to discuss it. I want to limit what I discuss.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Love the idea of one positive thing for today. Mine is I am choosing to go for a run this morning. I am looking forward to the sweaty, happy hormones, repeating mantras to myself as I run - and it's also a FUCK YOU to my ex who named my lack of interest in fitness (he of course was a middle-aged crisis fitness bore) as one of our difficulties!

Sending everyone love and strength. I know mornings can be hard. Please get up and do one nice thing for yourself today.

@cakeoverexercise I am sorry you are in the absolute pits of it. I can totally relate to the kids being the only reason you want to keep going. I was there too, and still have those moments, but I promise you, they will lessen. You are coping with shock right now and your brain is scrambling to make sense of everything. Just go really, really gently with yourself. Don't try and do anything above the bare minimum of taking care of yourself and your kids. Take time off work if you can and want to. I didn't eat or sleep much for those first few weeks and just ran on adrenalin and anxiety. It's amazing what we can cope with, and you will.

@Grounded03 Thank you, I will try and be gentle with myself today. There's a huge part of me that feels I have to keep going for the DC (even though they're late teens). I'm struggling to eat and sleep which doesn't help. But I am seeing good friends today and I'm hoping they'll give me a lift. It's worse when he's here (which he is at the moment) as it just makes me crave a hug or some comfort from him.

@cakeoverexercise - I can relate to needing a hug from H. I'm desperate for one to help comfort me. Which is crazy. I left him because of the abuse but I don't seem to be able to muster the anger I need. I think I'm just so exhausted I'm not thinking straight now.

@Grounded03 - enjoy your run! Do it for you because you deserve good things! My H also wasn't happy about my approach to health at fitness. Apparently I'm I am middle aged I no longer look like I did when we met in my early 20s... who would have thought I would have aged?

I have been to Tesco and bought the ingredients for my nice lunch I'm going to make for myself today. I did nearly breakdown in tears in the frozen veg aisle though. When does the overwhelming need to cry ease off?
Hugs to all.