A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Ohhh love the idea of doing a small nice thing for yourself! @Itisallgoingtobeok

Enjoy the run. Running is proper medicine for me too and that’s what I’ll do for myself today.

A new one - choosing when/how I talk about him. People are interested in what's going on and will ask questions, but it often doesn't make me feel better to discuss it. I want to limit what I discuss.

I really agree with this too!!! Don’t feel obliged to give out details you don’t want to share and get used to saying “I don’t really want to talk about it now”. It’s perfectly fine to say this.

@DivorceConfusion @Itisallgoingtobeok Hope everyone is hanging in there today. This is a great idea.My self-work today to help me stay positive is going to be: staying the present and trying my best to only worry/think about things that I can control. Since I can't control if my H leaves or the fact that he thinks sex with other women will cure his depression, I am going to try my best to focus on things within my control. It is funny, back a few years ago we went to couples therapy the therapist told us you are supposed to ask yourself "What can I do" so I am now employing that, except in the marriage counseling it was supposed to be "What can I do" to improve our relationship but I am using it now as "What can I do" to help myself.

Evening all. I’ve hit a new low today, the police were called after I expressed a wish to harm myself. Currently on my old bed in my mums house. Already dreading the panic attack in the morning and hoping that today will be a turning point.

love to all and please send good vibes this way

@PotsnPan, hopefully your old bed at your mums is the best place for you to be right now. Let your mum love you and take care of you for as long as you need.

Take care and virtual hugs

@PotsnPan I'm sending you hugs too! I hope you can take some comfort in being taken care of by your mum and I am sending you the most good vibes.

So my H decided to go out with a (male) friend tonight, which is not unusual in of itself, although of course this friend is recently divorced so not my first choice but then again what is these days. All that to say I can see how people develop drinking problems when coping with this kind of stuff. I drink socially but usually never at home but I have to say a glass of wine while I clean up sounds very good right about now even though I'm sure its not the healthiest coping mechanism.

@PotsnPan - I hope you are feeling a little better today. I'm sending you hugs. It's awful but hang in to the belief that you will come out the other side, I know you will.

How is everyone this morning? I woke up about 5am and burst into tears. I wish I could stop crying. It's been over a month but the hurt keeps coming. I think H's abuse has done more harm than I thought.

Morning everyone. I’ve woken up with overwhelming anxiety again, doing my best to try and feel it, then bat it off.

feel as though I’m back to square one, it’s been 14 weeks now - is this normal?

thanks for all of your kind words. Just want to get to the other side of this

Thanks @harlemriver for adding me. I feel so much for everyone. I’ve asked H for a separation a couple of days ago.
Although we had been going to counselling and H said he had been trying, I couldn’t see any difference myself and I just feel I’ve disconnected myself and I couldn’t see it changing.
I feel that my situation is slightly different because it’s me who has said that they are unhappy with our lack of sexual and emotional connection. He feels more like a brother then a husband and that feeling doesn’t seem to be changing.
we are really civil and there has been no arguments or being mean to each other which I think makes me feel worse.
I keep thinking I’ve made a terrible mistake upsetting our lives like this, it wasn’t terrible, I just don’t love him like I should anymore.
I feel so guilty and scared. Has anyone else had a similar situation?

@PotsnPan I hope you are ok and riding the waves of anxiety. Panic attacks are the worst. I got some betablockers from the doctor and although I only took them once it was good knowing them I had them in reserve.

I also woke up today and cried, after dreaming about him, but managed to go back to sleep until 6 am, so that's a win for me. I found going for a 20 minute walk in the morning sun and blasting out some music has helped. Now got to do a job application as need to get more money in! The financial fall out of this has been a real source of anxiety to me but I am riding the waves.

Sending love and care to everyone.

Hi, can I join please. At 11:10 this morning my relationship of 15 years came to an end when dp physically charged at my 17 year old son. They have argued a few times recently, at 17 ds has been a bit of a challenge at times and often thinks he is right and will raise his voice quickly if he feels someone is saying something he disagrees with. This happened this morning just as me and the kids were about to leave the house, dp who was in the living room told ds to piss off out if he was going to shout, ds told him to fuck off at which point dp ran at him and they started tussling and I had to try and pull them apart. This was all in front of our joint ds10 who was very scared and upset.
I told dp to pack his stuff and go, I knew immediately that was the end. Ds17 can be an absolute arse but physical violence towards him… I am so shocked and know it’s not something I can forgive.
dp started packing his things to go to his parents house but ds10 said if dp was going he was going with him and I honestly couldn’t bear to see ds pack a bag so I have said that for now dp can stay in the house. Ds17 is working this afternoon so I have said that for tonight when he finishes work me and him will go stop at my mums and I will be back in the morning before ds10 wakes. I have also said he can have the day off school with me tomorrow.
I think I am in shock at the moment, I have tried to keep calm and all I am thinking at the minute is to try and keep things as normal as possible for ds10 whilst he comes to terms with everything. Lots going round my head at the minute trying to figure out what we do going forwards. The house and bills are all in my name so it will be dp who moves out once I have got ds10 to understand and stop crying.
Sorry for the long first post, I hope I can join the support you are all giving each other on this thread x

I'm struggling today... have been in something like an adrenaline high since I found those messages on my H's phone on Thursday night, but it is crashing and I just feel sick and sad. I've not been sleeping well. I sent my H a long message last night explaining how betrayed I am about the way he had manipulated me to think I was the one driving our separation, and the months of turmoil he pupt me through in trying to understand what went wrong. Only to find a very simple explanation! I know he has read it but he hasn't replied, and although on one hand I told him to get out and never contact me again, I would have expected even an effort at contrition. I can also see he has been on whatsapp all weekend and am assuming it's with the other woman. The whole situation is just driving me mad. He really is so far from the man I thought he was, it's so strange. I've read so many posts on MN that say similar things - I feel like I'm in a weird dream, can't believe this has happened to me, can't believe he is doing this to me. It's all so predictable, but also so very painful.

Sorry to hear you’re having hard days @harlemriver @Grounded03

I feel totally heartbroken and bereft today, miss my husband even though he’s been an Arse to me. I just want my life back.

My H was the most caring and supportive partner and it’s like he’s a different man. My DD told him about the police having to come to me yesterday and he doesn’t seem bothered, just said he hopes this is the lowest I can get. How can someone you’ve shared your life, who you’ve made a stepfather (he’s still seeing DD a lot) with completely forget about you?

I'm in a similar but not quite the same position as you. I left because of emotional abuse which was escalating... but I still feel guilty for leaving the marriage despite my friends urging me to do so. I'm hanging on to the fact that I did it for my own safety.
Hang onto doing the right things for you. Sending hugs.

@harlemriver - I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's truly awful. I know what you mean about your husband being so far from the man you thought he was. Mine went that way too. It started as being grumpy and got worse until it ended up as cruelty. I don't know what happened. All I know is that I'm broken hearted and feel about as low as I ever have. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other now.
Sending hugs to you.

It saddens me that you're still struggling @PotsnPan and that he is being so unkind. Trust me, people can change and there isn't anything we can. It can be maddening that the person that is causing it is the person that can make everything OK.

@PotsnPan and @harlemriver I'm so sorry you're both going through such a difficult time. I think the hardest thing is seeing the person you thought really cared about you and had your back turn into a callous, uncaring horrible parody of themselves. My feeling is they do this to enable themselves to feel closure. It's like they have to cut off ANY feelings towards you because if they even let an inkling of that back in they might not be able to stay the course. It feels really cruel and the hardest thing to come to terms with. I don't know what help it is to know this, I just hope we can all come out the other side without being too scarred. I've had an odd rollercoaster weekend, in that I spent all of yesterday out with friends, so it almost felt like this nightmare wasn't happening. It gave me a brief bit of respite from the constant maelstrom of thoughts, but now I'm back home and reliving all the pain and distress again. I just want things to go back to how they were (even though I know that was not really tenable going forwards). It's all so exhausting.

Hi all, yes it is very exhausting. I feel like I've been hit by a train. I'm so very glad that I found the messages and understand exactly what has been going on, but I had spent the last two months trying to understand the relationship I thought I was in, and had just got to a place where I thought we could move forward to end the marriage with grace & dignity & wish each other well & honour what we had meant to each other. Ha! When he was actually just a lying weasel out for his own comfort and convenience, without a second thought about what I was going through. I've got mental whiplash from going from the version of marriage I thought was in to the one I was actually in. Have had a long talk to my sister and feeling more positive again.

Trying to focus on simple self-care actions: keep busy, keep active, walk the dog, think forward and not back. I'm trying not to torture myself by wondering what he is thinking etc. The most important lesson I've learned from these threads so far is that he has to become irrelevant. It's all about me and only me now.

@PotsnPan I am so sorry about the panic attacks. I used to get them so badly and they are a very difficult thing to go through and take a lot of energy out of you. I relate to you so much on your H being such a kind person and then changing completely. How are these men who we have known for so long like strangers? It is so confusing and one of the hardest things for me about this already hard journey. Maybe they have to turn into another person to completely derail their lives like this? Mine is more numb than a jerk but it is still so difficult to see.

@cakeoverexercise Totally with you on this. It is just crazy how well it works for them. I am so glad you were able to get some relief and be with your friends, that is really important. Not many of my friends know what is going on yet because we are in the "figuring out what is next" stage, not that I think there's much hope of reconciliation but just that neither he or nor I know exactly where to go from here. I think the worst thing for me right now is when I am by myself. I was by myself a lot last week and I just ended up crying all the time.

Today my H's family is in town and we are going to a baseball game. I thought about not going but I'd rather go and deal with his apathy then be at home by myself and think too much on the past or future. I am trying to just ask myself, what do I want in this moment? And if the answer is right now to go be with my kids and watch a game, then I am going to do that.

@harlemriver I am sorry you have to go through this at all. I'm glad you were able to talk to your sister and feel more positive. I think you have the absolute right idea about focusing on yourself. I think something common I see here is all of us have spent so much time focused on other people first that maybe we have forgotten ourselves some. If there is anything positive to be gained by this awful experience I hope it is that we learn to prioritize ourselves again and are better for it no matter what.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I am so sorry for this too. I think it takes more time to grieve than we would think, especially when you have probably had to put up walls to protect yourself. I hope that you are doing something for yourself today, even if it is something small.

@camedowntothewire You are right in that you are sort of in a slightly different situation as the rest of us, but I don't doubt it is still hard. Either way, ending a marriage is without a doubt the hardest personal struggle I have ever gone through so I am definitely here to offer you support . I think it is hard to make big changes and not be fearful of regret in the moment but what choice do you have except to do what you feel is best.

I've been crying for nearly 3 hours straight. I don't seem to be able to stop. Perhaps it's the best way. Surely I must run out of tears soon?