A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

I’ve been accused of making derogatory comments I assume as I call his gf The Slapper. Had a phone call with him last night to let him know I’ve started divorce proceedings - thought I’d do the right thing rather than email, and I mentioned her once and not directly. I explained the need for Form E was because he is a liar (this is true) and I don’t trust him. It was a civil conversation, I also mentioned what he has done to his parents and the kids, but it’s rattled him as this morning I’ve been told that despite me making ‘derogatory comments’, he just wants to help house me and the kids, followed by a spreadsheet of finances as to what he will and won’t provide. He’s then started emailing about different things so is obviously pissed off. So that’s no more phone calls or anything if I’m going to be accused of things. He thinks his ‘offer’ is generous, which if my solicitor thinks it is, will be fine, all I’m doing is checking I’m getting what I’m entitled to. But just feels like he is going to be difficult now because he can’t deal with me starting the divorce and speaking to a solicitor 😔

@Iamnotapotato @Ginerous @Itisallgoingtobeok I feel the same about dating and being alone. I’d love to be able to chat with someone lying next to me right now as I’m stressing and am awake, but the whole dating thing is scary and I’m late 40’s so age isn’t on my side.

How is everyone doing now? Are any of you feeling any better as time goes on?

@Hellofuture9 i wholeheartedly wish I could say yes to your question but in reality I am lying on my bed crying again over my ex. I have literally cried everyday since it happened and wish more than anything I could start to get over him. He doesn’t deserve this much headspace. I did some therapy when we broke up but didn’t find it all that helpful, I might try again in the new year with someone else as I am desperate to start feeling better. I hate how I am at the moment - basically on the verge of tears all the time.

One thing I'll say is if you feel that emotion, go with it. The crying does become less over time, the sleep becomes more over time and when you do feel you need to cry mine now feel like a empty cry rather than a hurting feeling.

I don't agree that you feel all of the five states together I Yo Yo'd through them constantly and the biggest thing was disbelief i found hard to shake myself from.

I think really focusing on yourself and emotions is really important and you will get through this, but feel everything. Sending my love to everyone at a very triggering time xx

@Hellofuture9 and @Ginerous I am not sure how long it is you have been separated. I am coming up for a year and it does get easier. As @Mirrorbright says as awful as it is, it is best to feel everything, the disbelief was the biggest thing for me too.

Today has been very hard. I have been on my own and I have cried and cried. I decided to let it flow and accept that today is a day for crying.

Hugs to all.

I’m about four months down the line so always good to hear from those further along that it does get better. Christmas obviously complicates all the emotions and people keep asking me if he has been in touch, which doesn’t help tbh as he hasn’t.

I hope you all manage to find some pockets of joy over Christmas xx

Hello to all, ‘Happy’ Christmas Eve, although I know none of us feel particularly happy.

I knew this time of year would be hard, but I have to say I’ve found it even worse than I expected. EVERYTHING has been setting me off. I feel so breathtakingly low.

I’m unfortunately still here in XH house (what was once our marital home). I’ll be moving out during the first half of January 🤞. He is away for a large part of this week or so, away Xmas Day to 27th and then away again over New Year. So on the one hand it’s a little easier when he’s not here, but of course I know where he is and with whom 😔. He came back today just for tonight, and it’s so uncomfortable. He’s downstairs and I’m upstairs. For the past many years we would have been watching Xmas movies together, now it couldn’t be more different

I’m inevitably imagining him playing happy families with the new person and her family, while I’m so deep in misery and pain that it’s nearly unbearable. Like so many of you are saying, the lack of that person that had been the closest to you, is just awful. I’m crying all the time - at clients, in town, while driving. I went to the car hand wash on Friday afternoon and of course it was busy & while waiting in the queue the tears were pouring down my face. So humiliating 😢

I feel so utterly utterly alone. I have a small number of friends who have been supportive of course, but ultimately I am alone. I’m not super close to my family, I’m seeing them tomorrow but the truth is I’d rather be on my own. I’m aware that sounds a bit contrary, but I find I don’t really want to see people. Ultimately I would rather it were just me and husband, but that’s all gone and he has someone else now.

I really wish all of us as much peace as we can find during this season, I love Christmas normally but I’ll be glad when this one is over and I imagine most of you will feel the same.

Hugs to everyone ❤️🎄

I’m feeling so down and any little things seems huge. I’m still here in XH house, which is difficult enough, especially as he is to-ing & fro-ing to his girlfriends during this Christmas & New Year.

All the neighbours have known about our situation for quite a while now, and a couple of them have been kind. However, 2 of the direct neighbours, despite seeing that I’m still here, have sent Christmas cards with just my XH name inside. I have found that really cruel, although I realise it’s a slightly tricky thing to decide what to put in the card, it’s made me feel even lower and more alone than ever.

Perhaps it’s my current state of mind, but it’s yet another painful thing to have to deal with. Maybe to some it may sound quite trivial, but honestly it has hurt me so much. It’s as if everyone is blind or uninterested in how utterly miserable and depressed I am.

I already feel completely and utterly worthless as a person after everything that has happened this year, but things just keep taking me lower and lower. I would never do such a thing if I knew a neighbour was going through a rough time, it’s like walking right over someone lying on the floor in pain as if they’re invisible.

Life really does feel black right now 😞

@AloneAgain2023 try not to despair. You are in such a difficult situation having to share the house, but hopefully the move will help you shift bit by bit towards a new life. I can totally understand why you feel so sad, I have been crying a lot too - at home and in public.

i’d guess the neighbours weren’t sure how to handle the card situation, but of course it hurts and just emphasises the split. I really hope you get through the next little while ok and some light appears on the horizon for you.

Thank you@Ginerous for replying 🙏. I think because my situation has been going on for SO long now, it has really damaged my mental health. The fact that all these delays and events have conspired to keep me here with no real alternative feels like I’m being punished for something, as if fate has determined to take me as low as possible.

Because this has all been going on for so long, I have no excitement for moving or having my own place, it merely feels like a future that’s been forced onto me against my wishes. But of course we all are feeling that.

These ‘men’ really have no idea just how much damage they cause, just because they fancy ‘a change’, or want something better. The destruction they leave behind!!

I’m sorry your tears are coming thick & fast too, it’s awful.

Best wishes to you and I hope your Christmas Day is as reasonable as it can be 💐

I don't open Christmas cards, and any post for them, I return address unknown. F**k them and play hard ball x Happy new Year x

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope your Christmas mornings are enjoyable and drama free.

It’s been 18 months since bombdrop day and been living alone for just over a year, so this is my 2nd Christmas without him. I definitely won’t miss dealing with STBXH’s festering undercurrent of disapproval quietly ruining the vibe on Christmas Day in that covert, subtle way that you can’t really describe to anyone while sounding plausible but you know it’s there.

My top tip for today is to make a note of all STBXH’s dick moves. When you’re feeling wobbly a quick scan will put you back on track.

My list is on my phone and has been a lifesaver for me. It’s now… ((checks notes…)) 170 items long. I needed to refer to it last night when I started to feel a bit down, wondering about where he’ll be for Christmas (OW’s house? He says he’s spending today “on his own”. Yeah right!🙄).

I tend to look back through rose tinted glasses and it’s easy to forget how hard he made my life when we were together. My list always brings me back to reality when he’s attempting another sad sausage hoover move.

Morning everyone.

I've been following this thread for a while.
Separated for four years, but still learning to live with the circumstances that are not what I expected for my marriage.

I've found strength from the solidarity and wisdom shared in this thread. And hope that I can give even a few words of comfort in return.

I don't consider myself to be a resilient person and take a long time to process my feelings, which could be why my healing journey has been slow. For that reason, I never thought I could make it through in the early days or make progress and perhaps others here feel like that. But somehow, I've got here and I'm happy I've made it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I found it helpful, and still do on bad days, to take five minutes at a time. I used those five minutes to find joy and chose not to let worries or fears enter in. If they did, I would bat them away because this was the five minutes of allotted time for happiness. Then those five minutes, at my own pace, could become ten minutes, an afternoon, and a day. Perhaps eventually, it would turn around completely and a lot of my day would be finding joy and only allowing myself five minutes to work through worries and fears.

Even all this time later, shock is still a big emotion for me and is such a strange thing. I never realised how powerful emotions other than sadness could be. Even when I logically know that it's better I'm alone than unloved, the weight of things not turning out as I hoped is crushing.

But I hope and believe for everyone here, as I have also found, there is unexpected joy. For me personally, that doesn't mean new relationships. I've found joy in living by my principles, values and staying true to myself even when I've made mistakes; applying for work I enjoy; getting back into things I love and refinding my individual identity.

I don't know if any of that was of any help or comfort. Some journeys are longer than others, many are different, we all walk our own path, but if we can join each other on the journey and lift each other up, it makes all the difference.

Randomly finding things really tricky tonight. I’m dreading NYE. He’ll be out with her and I’ll be ferrying my kids around (older teenagers). I don’t mind doing that but just can’t shake the ‘it’s not fair’ feeling. Everyone keeps telling me ‘new year, new start’ but it just doesn’t feel like that. We have to sort the finances and he is going to be a pita about it so I’m not looking forward to the beginning of the year at all. Sorry to be so pessimistic!

I’ve been dreading NYE for weeks. He’ll be out with her whilst I’m wondering around the house like Miss Havisham. I plan on stuffing my face with Chinese and watching feel good films. The only thing I hope 2024 brings me is a ‘peaceful mind’ where your thoughts are about mindless shite.

Hoping there is room for one more!

Split with ex in May. After his affair (again, probably). Now a single parent to a 3YO. Instigated divorce immediately and can apply for my final order 17th Jan. 'Lucky' to have agreed finances and sent paperwork off to court already, praying they rubber stamp it. It's an uneven split my way but based on inheritance I received less than a year before the divorce, and the fact he chose not to pay more into his pension and so on. My pension is much better than his...

Xmas has been OK. I'm not into NY and will probably be in bed early. Totally relate to the feelings of resentment about being left to do everything though whilst they get to fuck off and do whatever they please whenever they please.

Hi @HazelWicker and the others who have posted recently. It’s incredible how alike many of these hopeless men are and how we all have similar feelings to deal with in the aftermath. Christmas and NY really don’t help with so much emphasis on happy families/ couples/ togetherness. I have always found Jan and Feb miserable months so not looking forward to that either but trying to think of some positives to focus on. I would like to try something new so hoping I can find a class or something that I can try once a week for a few weeks. Preferably something sociable as I am an extrovert and struggle with so many boring g evenings at home. And, as I say every year, I’d like to lose some weight - who knows maybe this will be the year I finally manage it!

@HazelWicker and @Ginerous and @Sl2001ie sending 💐 to you all. I’ve decided that I am taking one hour for myself each day. I won’t find it easy as I work FT, have kids etc (although they are older teens) but in the last few days one of the benefits of my ex not being here is that I don’t feel that I have to justify any time I spend on me. Today I have been for a (very short) run and then a long walk with a friend. So I’m going to make a conscious effort to do that every day.
@Ginerous i feel the same as you do about evenings - it’s definitely the hardest part of the day, mainly as the kids are usually out and doing things, and I just end up feeling shit and sorry for myself.

@HappyasLarrynot glad it’s not just me. Most of my friends are happy to stay in watching tv every evening, which I did too when I was a couple as we’d watch box sets together, but I’m not really one to watch tv on my own so now that I’m single I struggle with evenings.

I’m 18m from bomb drop day, and I’ve been living alone for just over a year.

Looking back, I was still in quite a dark place up til around 10-12 months out from discovery.

That said, I love my life now and really appreciate the peace I’ve found. I enjoy being in my own space and I don’t miss much about our life together, other than believing I was the most important person to someone I didn’t give birth to.

It does get easier eventually but it’s a long road. I’m still not fully over it. When it first happened, I thought initially it might take 2 years to put it behind me. I’m now thinking it will probably be closer to 5. But it’s nowhere near as raw these days and I only cry maybe once a month or less now.

My life generally is way better than it was when we were together and I’m a lot more content. It just feels occasionally like there’s something missing that I can’t put my finger on. Maybe it’s like the phantom limb sensation that amputees feel. After over 20 years together, it’s just an odd feeling living totally alone (except for the pets!) most of the time.

I’m not dating. I’ve decided I wouldn’t want to date anyone who isn’t at least a year post divorce, so I can’t expect to inflict myself on anyone until I fit my own criteria. Maybe it would be easier if I had that distraction, but I’ve decided to focus on building my career (I’m a freelancer so need to expand my client base to spread my risk), working on my side hustle, and strengthening my body at the gym, so I can’t really take on much more. The kids (20 & 21) still need a lot of guidance and take up a fair bit of my time with helping with job applications and uni stuff so my time is pretty limited with what I already have going on.

I think this time of year is tricky for anyone dealing with the grief of a loss. With so many families coming together it makes sense that those who are missing someone at their table feel it more keenly during this season.

STBXH has really aged, maybe it’s my perception, but he’s looking like the past 18m without me wifing for him has very much taken its toll. I think he definitely underestimated how easy I made his life! Contact from him has increased in the past month with some vague noises that sound somewhat like regret (or as close as it gets from him) and I’ve received a few drunken phone calls about random stuff during the festive period so I’m guessing he’s been feeling some Christmas nostalgia.

If we don’t face challenges, we don’t grow so it will all be worth it when we’re fully out the other side. I’ve still got a lot of years left so I’m looking forward to making a success of this chapter of my life, establishing myself as a strong, independent, single 50-something with a great career and a wonderful future. And I wish the same for everyone else on this thread.

Love your post. I'm mid 50's and following a different path now. Left home July 2022, bought new home this year, July 2023, first time living alone ever and divorced September 2023.

I feel like I am living a role in a play sometimes, talking to myself saying "you are really doing this". It feels quite surreal sometimes.

I'm hoping the future will be a little less fraught and I can wake up with less stress as the days, weeks and months pass.

Thanks for your positive post.

Best wishes to everyone else who has their own challenges. "Happy new year" to you all.

Evening everyone, like so many of you I’ve been struggling this Christmas. I knew it would be awful but I’ve actually felt worse than I expected.

Because I’m still living here, I’ve been very conscious of where XH is over the past couple of weeks. It’s been beyond tough being alone here and being aware of him being with his girlfriend over the Christmas days, and now again going away for New Year with her.

I woke this morning and within 10 minutes of being up I was in tears 😢. I’ve done the odd job and watched a few things on TV which kept me occupied. But this evening I’m feeling low again, feeling alone, unwanting of the future, yearning for the past etc etc. I’ve stayed in my robe all day today, hair scraped back, like a depressed slob! But I’ve allowed myself to do that for today.

Even now nearly 10 months down the line (and fully divorced) there is sometimes a sense of this all not being real. There is a surreal sense thinking of him with someone else. I realise it’s largely because I’m still having to live here (I’ll be moving out during January) but there have been times I really haven’t wanted to go on.

It’s always good to hear from those further down the road - @Didsomeonesaydogs you mentioned feeling as though something is missing and I still feel that way, I keep saying it’s like losing a limb. I’m still nowhere near feeling any kind of motivation to move on and look for distractions, and DEFINITELY no desire to date again, but at the same time I don’t want to grow old on my own. So for now I’m stuck in this nightmarish limbo - living in the same house as XH and watching his happy shiny new life while I remain miserable and unhappy. I feel so angry that all has turned out so well for him, it seems incredibly unjust and unfair 😠. @BooksTeaAndCrisps thank you for your post, I enjoyed reading it. And yes, shock is still an uppermost emotion for me too. It sounds silly, given I have had to still live here over a long period of time, that disbelief is still there, but it is. You said how it is better to be alone than unloved and that is so completely true, and yet I’ve continued taking his rejection and betrayal of me to heart. Even though HE was the one who lied and cheated, and I know on some level that is on him, but I still feel utterly worthless because of it.

@Ginerous @HappyasLarrynot @Sl2001ie @HazelWicker @Jas683 and everyone else dreading NYE, here’s to a far far better and happier 2024 🥂. Personally I usually prefer staying in on NY, I always stay up though but will miss having ‘my person’ to stay up with. And worse, he will be seeing in the New Year with someone else 😞

@harlemriver hope things are okay with you (presumably in your new place?). Thank you for starting this great thread which so many of us have found so helpful 👍

Best wishes to all of us for a decent and improved / improving 2024 🍾

@AloneAgain2023 I'm really sorry to hear everything you've been through. I, too, find NYE tricky. When the person you adored is living a life without you and enjoying it, at least by the look of it, it's incredibly difficult.

I identify with your description of the rejection and worthlessness. It sounds odd, but I used to not even consider having acceptance of myself or being of any value. I didn't consider that I deserved happiness or that I could live a live that shined. It was almost a revelation to me when the thought crossed my mind that maybe there is a nice life waiting for me too. That I was worthy.

Well intentioned wishes can sometimes sound hollow, but I wholeheartedly wish you an improved 2024 @AloneAgain2023 and everyone who has contributed to this discussion. I hope we can start another thread when this one has filled up, as I feel we've taken a lot of strength from one another.

Hello everyone - I've been keeping an eye on this thread over the past few months, it's been helpful as I look ahead to 2024 being the year of separation and divorce. Interesting to hear everyone's feelings and experiences - thanks for sharing. And a big thanks to you, @Didsomeonesaydogs, for your inspiring post - just what I needed to read just now. Here's to a better future for all of us.