A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

So sorry you are all going through such an awful time too! My husband has been having an affair with a woman at his work. I have stayed for a few months trying to make things work but he is still hot and cold and emotionally abusive most weeks so I will be moving out. I wish I had left when I first found out instead of wasting time trying to save the marriage. Never could I have foreseen how things would turn out when we were so happy and in love before he met her

Gosh, sending love and strength to all us women going through this incredibly difficult time. I am 3 months down the line to when my 20 year relationship imploded and about 6 weeks into being alone at home with the kids. So many of your stories ring true - the depressed husband suddenly blaming everything on you and it being all about wanting different things, can’t see a future etc , and at the same time these empty, guilty assurances that everything will be ok, he will make sure you and the kids are ok financially, blah blah bullshit!

I am emerging from the absolute worst of it when I couldn’t do anything but cry and couldn’t eat or sleep but tend to spiral each weekend when I have to see him to handover the kids. And got drawn into an emotional text exchange this morning which I regret. I am feeling full of rage much of the time but the sadness has hit me again today and I am worried about a weekend alone without the kids now and feeling like crap.

Sending love and solidarity to all. We will be so much stronger after this.

@Grounded03 that will be my biggest hurdle also when the time comes to handing the children over. I'm full of complete rage at the moment, I only found out yesterday so I've been firing a million questions at DH just hear his stupid excuses.

He's actually going out tonight would you believe, when he comes home here I'm going to just walk out the door and drive to the mountains for a big walk to try can down because the rage I feel is not normal. He can look after the children for a change. I'm still on maternity leave flip sake.

Thanks for sharing this as it gives me hope. I'm only about a month in and still in that stage where we haven't told our three young kids anything and where I cry at the drop of a hat. This is so hard, sometimes I wonder how I will make it through. And then think about my husband telling me, how I'm the most responsible person he knows and I'll be fine and it makes me even more sad and mad.

Sending it right back to you too. I'm new to all of this but when I think about passing my kids around I can't stop crying. This is not a new routine I wanted and I guess you just have to get through it one day at a time, because when I look too much into the future it makes me too sad.

@ShylaA040404 telling the children was the thing I dreaded the most (and disrupting their life in general). But actually once I told them and they let out all their feelings and we talked about it I felt much better (and I think so did they as they had sensed something was off). I’m not saying it’s all rainbows and sunshine, it’s a huge adjustment for everyone but with regards to the kids it hasn’t been as awful as I feared.

Would you send the messages to the other persons husband, I never ever though I would do something like that but I keep hovering over doing it then stopping myself.

Ladies I’m really struggling today if anyone can give me any insight? I’ve been onto my MH team several times but nothing is helping me.

spoke briefly to H, he’s shouting at me as per usual - then tells me that if I’d given him the ‘space’ that I’d asked for when he first left, that we may have been different but that I’ve pushed him further away and we’re definitely over. I didn’t give him space at first, my MH crashed the day after he left and he wouldn’t tell me what the space was for, or how long. So now I’m blaming myself and wondering whether this could be avoided?

I’d also appreciate opinions as to why he’s completely blocked me, and if he does speak to me, he’s angry and nasty - surely if he didn’t care then he’d be ambivalent towards me?

am I clutching at massive straws?

@PotsnPan Sorry you are having such a hard time. I can only speak about what has worked for me, and that was giving up trying to work out my husband’s thoughts and behaviours , which won’t be rational at this time anyway, and just focusing on what made me feel calmer. Limiting contact as much as possible and asking him to move out until he had worked out what he wanted worked for me too, in that I could stop crying in front of the kids. Please focus on yourself as much as you can.

@ShylaA040404 Definitely one day at time, or even one hour, or 5 mins at a time when things are really painful. My counsellor suggested just trying to be in the present as much as possible, and I have noticed this has really helped when I am spiralling into thinking about the last or future. Our brains are trying to process this huge shock. I keep telling myself I am safe and secure in this moment. And totally relate to the other feeling of ‘this is not what I ever wanted for me or my kids’.

Sending hugs to all. I'm feeling terrible just now. I'm sat here sobbing my heart out. I wish I could unhear some of the things H said to me, they were brutal. I feel my whole marriage was a lie. He says he's never been happy.
The advice to take it an hour at a time is what's keeping me going at the moment.

Another one here really struggling today. H came back from a week away, and I couldn't help but try and pin him down on whether someone else is involved. He still says no, but has admitted to going to strip clubs, having lap dances and 'confiding' in the strippers. Another kick to the stomach. Who is this complete stranger? I'm so so disappointed, angry, sad and hopeless. It's so hard being in the same space as him, but yet I don't want him to go and miss him when he does go. And it hit me today that we'll never have another relaxed family meal together. That tiny thought just devastated me. Really finding it hard today. I'm so sorry for the others on this thread going through similar. It's the worst rollercoaster ride ever.

It all makes me want to die to be honest. Husband tells me it’s deffo over, so I say put house on the market, organise mediation, he refuses and I’m stuck. Just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up

@Grounded03 Thank you. It is helpful for me to be distracted and like you said stay in the present. If I let myself get too far into the future it just seems so bleak. That is very good advice, I am going to try and stick to it at this moment. Today is actually our anniversary, and my husband wants to go to dinner. I have decided I am putting everything out there because I will regret it if not. I haven't always been the best at expressing my feelings and my husband is the kind that needs the love and support more than most. I do not have much hope but I'd rather be disappointed than have regret. It is such a juxtaposition just oscillating from trying to see what the custody norm is where I am from to trying to pour my heart out so I can see if there's anything left to salvage.

@cakeoverexercise I am with you. I feel like I am talking to a stranger. That is part of what is so hurtful, it is not just the physical actions that you mentioned, i.e. if there is someone else or a strip club, but the emotional ones as well. That someone who promised us to work through things no matter what can act this way. Another poster told offered the advice of staying in the present and I am going to try and do that b/c, like you, if I focus on how we are never going to have another family meal, trip, etc. I feel like I won't survive.

@PotsnPan I relate to this. Just know you are not alone. We are all going through this and although I can do nothing to make your situation better, and I'm certainly not in any place myself to tell you it gets better since I don't believe that yet either, I am sending you my support. I feel the same way.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I feel this so much. I was torturing myself going through old anniversary and birthday cards my husband wrote to me, some even pretty recently, about how I was his true love and how he can't imagine his life without me. Then, for him to tell me he was never happy with me, that we were always missing something. It just doesn't fit. For you and for me I don't think that's true. I think that is something they say to make themselves feel better and to alleviate any responsibility to stay in this and try to make it work. If they were "never happy" then there is nothing to save. If they admit they were happy, then I think it gets much harder and complicated for them.

@ShylaA040404 Yes, that advice to stay in the present and just take one minute/hour at a time is just what I need right now, as I spiral into a pit of despair if I think about the future. I agree about talking to a stranger. I just feel as if my support system has gone. Ridiculously, I want to talk to H about it, have him comfort me and tell me it will all be ok, like he used to many many moons ago, but of course, he's the reason I'm in this state. It's so unbelievably exhausting and mentally draining.

@PotsnPan I, and am sure, many of us here, have also felt so in pain I wanted to die. But I know those feelings do pass. do you have any friends or family you can have on dial or to sit with you in those really bad times?

Listening to podcasts, watching films of others going through similar, and seeing how have they have survived, has kept me going. I am trying to just flip a switch when ever I think about him too - you really have to train your brain not to ruminate and obsess - it’s like withdrawing from a drug. It’s impossible in the early days I know. I am grateful I know longer wake up with a pounding heart and anxiety every morning - more of a dull ache now- bit clinging kn to any signs of it getting better.

@PotsnPan I have similar regrets although my H has not expressed it to me quite as clearly as yours. I think hindsight is always 20/20. I tend to be an extremely optimistic person, for example, so when my husband expressed previously that he was unhappy, I felt it would work itself out. At the same time I have a lot of trouble expressing my emotions. And I will always blame myself at least partially for not understanding what was going on exactly and taking action until it was too late. Until he said there was no fixing it and he was ready to move on. All that to say, I think as women we tend to blame ourselves. At the time, it sounds like you were doing what you thought was best. I will tell you the advice given to me which is really hard to take which is go easy on yourself. In order for a relationship to work, both people have to want to work on it and I don't think one action taken by yourself would be the cause any split between you. It will be a combination of factors. Of course, I am not ready to take that advice myself so I completely understand where you are coming from.

@cakeoverexercise I feel the exact same way. My husband was my rock and I feel like I can't do it without him (even know logically I know I can). And just like you I feel like he is the one I want to talk about with this even though he is the one causing it.

It is funny because when I expressed that to him, how hard it would be for me, he told me I am the most responsible person he knows and for some reason that made me feel even worse.

I had not thought about it in them at way... that by saying he was never happy he has a reason for not trying. I am still trying to get my head around why my lovely, kind husband has turned into a vile and abusive man intent on hurting me in every way possible.

@DivorceConfusion Thank you that does make me feel a bit better. I know that kids are resilient, but man this is awful. I think for me it's more imagining the scary future where we are never a family again. But I am going to take the advice of other posters and am not going to do that anymore to the extent I can help it. There is definitely no upside.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It is just so unfair and not something anyone should ever have to deal with. I wish I could fix it for you and everyone here. All of us deserve so much better.

Wouldn't it be wonderful we could wave a wand and get everyone out the other side of the hurt and pain into whatever better life is right for them?

I'm feel so much for you and everyone who is going through this. We will get through it... I know we will...