A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Hello everyone. I have also found Christmas very difficult. Friends have been checking in on me which helped take the edge off, but it has been a very sad time.

@Didsomeonesaydogs - your post was really helpful, and came just at a time I was beating myself up. I am sorry you have been through this awful situation, but it sounds as though you have really made a new life, and I found that very comforting. I too thought it would be a couple of years, but I can see now that it will take much longer. These words in particular were really helpful:

I’ve still got a lot of years left so I’m looking forward to making a success of this chapter of my life, establishing myself as a strong, independent, single 50-something with a great career and a wonderful future.

I also resonate with the idea that there is something missing. We were together decades, and now he isn't there.

@AloneAgain2023 - You seem to have had the most awful time. I hope that when you get your own place that it will help anchor things for you, and help you look forwards. I am in rented at the moment and it feels very transient. I am hoping in 2024 I can get somewhere more permanent shorted out which will be another step along the road to healing.

@ithinkicanithinkican 2024 will also be divorce year for me too. I am hoping once that is done, things will feel less as though I am carrying a deadweight around the whole time, and instead some light will start to shine through.

Hugs to all, and 2024 will be better for us all, I am sure.

Thank you @Itisallgoingtobeok ‘anchor’ is a good description, I still feel very definitely ‘unanchored’ at the moment.

Fingers & toes crossed we all become more settled in 2024 🤞🤞💐

Hello, everyone, happy new year, I’m certainly glad to see the back of 2023. I’m really struggling today. I actually found Christmas ok, as I was busy and there were nights out and family stuff. New year has made me feel very lonely. My ex was posting on social media about being with OW, yes I know I shouldn’t look but I can’t help it. It takes my breath away when I see how much he has moved on and I’m left here struggling to work out what happens next. Hoping I’ll feel more positive as January moves on. Reading this thread keeps me going, thank you everyone xxx

@CherryPieface I have felt exactly the same. I was dreading the Christmas period, but actually it was so busy and go go go I didn’t have a chance to stop and think. Today has been the first day I have been at home all day with my 2.5 yr old. And it hit me, new year - and I am alone. Single. Starting again. And I crumbled. Sobbed in the shower and felt like my heart was breaking all over again. 5 months on and yet don’t feel much further forward. One of my daughters favourite books is “we’re going on a bear hunt” it says (in relation to a field of mud, or a deep dark forest) “you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you have to go through it!” It has made me reflect and think that I have spent 5 months trying to hide from Reality, keep busy, keep moving. But actually for me to properly process all of this I need to “go through it” feel the feelings, cry the tears, let my brain and body mourn my old life. The future that will no longer be. Cradle my broken heart and give it time to heal. All easier said than done though. I am doing dry January as my home drinking was becoming too much - not getting drunk, but having a few too many gin and tonics in the evening to block things out.

I’m so sorry your ex was posting on social media with OW. So painful for you and also must feel like a kick in the teeth, he’s out having a great night when you’re at home trying to process everything that has happened. I know so many of us have said the same - that it’s incredible how quickly our exam’s can move on, without a backward glance. I hope you’ve managed to be kind to yourself today. I have attempted some decluttering - I want everything of my exs out of the house. Just the loft to go now I think.

Thanks For your post @needtocomeoutofdenial I am five months in too. Have done a lot of sobbing too and also drinking too much. Solidarity xxx I’m not going to do dry Jan but have plans to cut right back, wine is my problem. Yes, going through it is what we need to do. I was existing on adrenaline and anger but now I just feel empty and alone. Decluttering sounds therapeutic, I should give it a go.

Have done so well this week but sat here in tears tonight. Hopefully it’s because I’m tired. I just cannot get ‘them’ out of my head. I know it’s not helpful thinking about ‘them’ but I can’t stop it happening sometimes. Any ideas as to how I can sort this part of it all out would be very welcome….

Happy new year, everyone! It's obviously been difficult and continues to be difficult for lots of us, but at least it's over. The 'festive season' has been anything but festive for me, but I'm in my new house and it is lovely. It's also exactly the kind of house that I'd hoped my ex and I would move into together. I wanted to move from our previous house for years and just couldn't get him on board to do it. So I am feeling huge relief at finally being in a house that I genuinely like - with cupboards! and a utility room! and a layout and location that works for dogs! But also sadness that we were never able to be on the same page about such a fundamental thing as where we lived, and that he didn't care enough about my happiness to prioritise moving, even though he knew how important it was to me.

Someone asked upthread a while ago if it gets better. I was thinking about that question a lot and I'm not sure where I'm at really. It's more than 6 months for me, and I expect our divorce will be final in the spring (though finances still need to be arranged and this is shaping up to be difficult). I've made a huge amount of progress in lots of ways and I do seem to be thinking about the situation differently. I don't feel the physical weight of it in my body any more, though I still can't talk about it to new people without crying. I also still feel a lot of confusion about what has happened and why and what my ex is thinking and feeling. We've been in contact more around moving house and it is all very polite and superficially pleasant but we don't talk about the real stuff at all and I have no idea what he is thinking. He seems sad and tired and has lost weight and aged a bit - but he certainly isn't making any effort to convince me that he has made a mistake or would want to fix things (not that that would be possible now anyway). There's no emotion or feeling of personal connection between us really, which is very strange to acknowledge after so many years together.

So there's still lots of stuff floating around my head but as @needtocomeoutofdenial says, the only way out is through. I feel like I just need to focus on putting one foot in front of another, taking it day by day, and eventually I'll find myself fully in a new life and new normal. And I suppose this is something that we will keep processing for a long time. Separation and divorce is a huge life event and whatever happens next in our lives, this will always be part of our experience. And we might read it differently at different times, depending on how other things work out.

Wishing everyone here a positive, happy, healthy, fulfilling 2024.

ALSO this thread is nearing the end and it might be good to launch a new one. I wondered if anyone else might want to start it? This thread has been a lifeline for me in recent months and I am sure I will stay around, so I'll start another if nobody else is keen but would quite like to hand over the OP baton if anyone else is willing to take it!

Hi everyone, I haven’t been in for a while because I was trying to just power through and stop feeling stuff, and Christmas wasn’t too bad. Now I’m back at work for the first time and suddenly feel really really depressed and struggling not to cry. I just don’t see happiness in my future.

I've only just found this thread and wish I'd found it 7 months ago when I realised I had to separate from my STBXH because, among other things, he was cheating!
It's certainly been the most painful and horrible thing I've ever experienced, and , as I have never liked where I live, and had become almost totally isolated, no friends here and my only family is my adult son, who is still living with me thanks be to God, but needs to spread his wings and fly the nest soon. I'm definitely much, much better now, I've even felt something like happiness in the last couple of weeks and Christmas and NY were peaceful and so much nicer without his crap to spoil them!
My future is still very uncertain but I'm determined to make 2024 a good year, and am delighted to see the back of 2023! It will go down as one of the worst years of my life although 2021 and '22 weren't great either, due to his bad treatment of me! It's a long story!
I recently read something that really resonated with me- "One of the best feelings is loosing attachment to someone you KNOW is no good for you!" and I can say, hand on heart, this is the truth! I feel like a weight is being lifted off me! I have very limited contact with him, around practicalities only, I have no idea what he's doing and don't want to know, so long as he doesn't cause any problems for my son or me! I can't wait to move away from this area and rebuild a fulfilling life for myself and see my son go off and fulfil his dreams!
Wishing all on this thread the very best for 2024!

@harlemriver - I'm happy to start a new thread. This has been a lifeline for me over the last year or so. I'm sorry you were in a position where you had to start it, but I think it has helped many, many people. I'll set up the new thread later.

Hugs to all.

I have started a new thread as this one is nearly full. New thread is here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future

Been separated only 5 days, even though it was my choice, I feel utterly guilt ridden and struggling to come to terms with it. My ex DP was a gem and didn't do anything wrong, just didn't feel right anymore. Complicates it more we are still living together as I am trying to buy him out.

Feel like I'm going to lose everyone and everything. Although I'm usually strong minded, this has caused me to take a turn for the worst.

Hi everyone. My lovely hubby of nearly 20years dropped the bombshell tonight he had been messaging someone he met on a random night out and subsequently departed with his bags before anything got ‘physical’ with this woman…his words not mine. We have been seeing a counsellor for 6 months. I was under the blissful illusion everything was going great. This is the third time something like this has happened in the 20years and he’s put me and our 2 children through hell the last 6months for one reason or another. Any tips on getting through this early days and more importantly sleep!x

Hi. Don’t want to talk to family or friends so sorry folks you are it. Been with husband for more of my life than not. Now I’m my early 40’s and struggling. My head tells me it’s time to call it quits but my heart breaks for my 2 girls who will be distraught. Am I being selfish, should I just accept that the rest of my life won’t be particularly fulfilled on a marriage level although fulfilled as a mother with a lovely home. Don’t want to go into too much detail but just years or feeling not seen, guilt when I go anywhere without kids or him, even made feel bad when do few hours extra work and there have been a few occasions through the years where objects are thrown near me, pushing to the point I fell over (once) and generally I feel I can’t enter into disagreement as I feel he exerts his alot larger size by standing over me very close to get his point across. We do have lovely holidays, friends, nice home and can generally function day to day x

Hi - after a bit of advice from anyone who has been through a similar experience. I am getting legal advice tomorrow. Lovely hubby has come home and refusing to leave. Can’t help himself verbally abusing me and I have asked him to go for the sake of our 2 children because of the toxic environment he is creating. Our youngest has autism. He is the one who has cheated on me and is the cause of the marriage breakdown. Do I have any grounds to get him out of the house (we are both on the mortgage)