Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

Bump, anyone help?

Hi,
I read your post. I'm not going through this but I'm still sending you a hug. I will say I'm glad things are amicable, but I do know this must still be very hard. I'm always here for a good chat, even if it's not about your separation. ❤

Also, reading your post, I'd say you do have lots to fight for. The daily grind really can take away from a relationship, that I know all too well! Do you think he'd agree to maybe date for a little while?

Hi I’m so Asorry to hear you are going through a hard time. My husband and I are splitting but I’m the one who has called time, although he moved very quickly from my request for relation ship counselling to him suggesting we separate.

Even so it’s a very emotional time and it will take awhile for you to process all your feelings. I’d suggest he’d checked out of the marriage well before the four months, so he was perhaps more ready than you in calling it time.

Is it possible the ‘not getting on’ for the last four months was engineered by him? Or that he overdid the opting out of family and you pushed back.If so this is another reason why he was ready to call time.

I believe some men are just more selfish and are less willing to let their lives be taken over by just life and family. It’s a common theme on mumsnet how the male partners do less with their family, partners, homes than their DP, and generally have more time for hobbies and socialising.

Its possible he is thinking that the grass is greener and he will be happier if he can live life on his terms. It’s also possible that he’s had his head turned by female attention.

With no fault divorce you can’t stop him leaving. It will take a while for you to understand that he cares more about himself than his wife and child. Sometimes people say that if you can find your anger this will help you through the first weeks.

Someone once suggested that if it’s the husband that leaves and he is feeling guilty then use that guilt to your advantage. Ie. Get some financial agreements in place eg you can stay in the home, before the guilt dissipates and he’s ready to argue over everything.

Im sending you hugs and all I can say is that these feelings won’t last forever. You will move on. In the meantime you have your son. Give him all the love you can and I wish you well.

Thanks everyone, you've made me cry reading these. Life is almost unbearable, there's no way I'd be here if it wasn't for our son.

I thought we had loads to fight for, by it doesn't appear to be. I was the one that brought up the subject of us being unhappy, as it's been tense for a while. He agreed and said he would try, but when I felt we were communicating better he said he didn't feel any different. He says we're just housemates now more than husband and wife. I'll admit I can be difficult to live with, but I'd never do anything to hurt him

I just feel so low. I'm trying to function for our son but i feel so uninterested in everything. I long the day away so bed time is an acceptable time to sleep and not feel like this. My friends have been a huge support which is invaluable. I just feel as though I've been ground away to a shadow of my former self. It's a lonely time and everyone else seems so happy around me

Has anyone else really struggled? I've been an absolute mess this weekend. Everyone else seems to hold it together. I'm having to get my friend to take my son to football as I can't face it. Going to go and see one of my friends when he's out as I'm too scared to be alone

Bump

Hi OP, I’m sorry to say that I fully understand how you are feeling. My DH left me on Monday after 24 years of marriage and a mere 6 weeks after our DS completed treatment for cancer.

He hasn’t spoken to me since then, only a couple of text messages to say he was miserable in our marriage.

I’m broken too. Completely.

Sorry I can’t be of help but huge hugs to you xxx

You are not alone. I’m struggling too. It’s been six weeks of indifference/ghosting and living apart.
I have a massive void to fill and am really stressed after 9 years of devotion to him.
What happened to “for better or worse.?” I’m not young, the tide is going out for us both. The notion of never having a loving kiss and cuddle ever again is crucifying.
I feel your pain but we absolutely must struggle on. X

Hello. It's horrible isn't it. We were both unhappy as well but I really wanted to work at it, it feels like he's just gave up on so much. 4 months is nothing in comparison to 17 years

We have to communicate due to our son, like I said it's amicable but I just feel as though I've lost my past present and future. I honestly feel like I'm dying, life would be easier if I wasn't here but I'm trying to hold on for my boy.

How are you coping?

Username112233
Im not coping very well. Sleepless, poor sleep when I do. Longing to see him. He’s gone from being kind and caring to someone I don’t know. We are not young but he’s checked out big time. I’m excluded from things he would normally share with me. We’ve never lived together but he was my life and we had future plans. It hurts so much seeing that my messages have been read but not responded to. I’ve backed off big time.
He’s been through a lot, bereavement, serious illness in intensive care, major operation etc, alcoholic adult child ongoing. I’m giving him space but I don’t think we have a future.
Hurts like hell. I miss him.
Chin up. Life turns on a sixpence but I’m dreading the dark winter months.

Early days for me but I’ve not slept a wink, and hardly eating. I’m existing in a state of ‘what the fuck’. Hugs everyone, it’s all just so heartbreaking.

@Idontdoyoga I'm the exact same, it's soul destroying isn't it. I hate the lack of communication, albeit in the end it wasn't great. I honestly miss him so much and hate the thought of him getting on with things whilst I struggle. I agree, the for better or for worse is painful, I hate that our vows don't mean anything to him anymore. I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive this. I've never known pain like it 😭

Maybe we should start a support group?! 😉
Maybe we should all go on holiday together! Beat the single room supplement crap & have a break together somewhere warm! Cyprus, Malta, Spain on the Costas?

Chin up girls. Knowing we are not alone with our pain & sleeplessness is strengthening.
Thinking of you as we get through this together. ❤️

@Idontdoyoga great idea! I've not been too bad the past few hours, went round to see my friend. Taken my propanalol so hoping that helps, I've not been taking it as I felt indeserved to feel like this. I'm terrified at the thought of him finding someone else, as I'm still so in love with him. How's your communications going? I'm really hoping he comes to his senses. I feel like I've lost everything whereas he's living the life he wanted up in his mums, coming and going as he pleases

I feel rudderless and lost. The hours drag by although I do feel better if I go out.
My chap is living his life, out for lunch today with a friend etc. He says it’s a male friend but who knows.
I try to hold it together but I told my mum this afternoon (she’s 97) & couldn’t hold back the tears. Nothing and nobody can help me get through this deep heartache. He was my life, I walked beside him through so much since August 2021 but that counts for nothing.
I plan to join a local gym with pool but right now the void is massive & I’m floundering.
I pray every night and try to remain hopeful but after all this, can we ever get back what we had? He just says he wants space, is fed up with family issues and being manipulated by a particular child. I have to respect that.
Love to all who are suffering right now. There’s a lot of us. 😘

Yeah it seems like it. How are you all holding up tonight?

Fake it until you make it. Tell yourself what you need to hear. Actually say it out loud.

You deserve more than this. You will be happy again.

Get your hair done, put your make up on. Put on your nice clothes and strut your stuff. Come home, cry a little because it does suck. Then do it all over again. It will eventually get easier. And one day, you won’t be faking it, you will actually be ok (I hope, I’ll let you know when I’m there.)

Sending hugs. I’m in a similar situation and getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. He had a long affair for most of last year. I really wanted to try and make it work with professional help but he had made his mind up- it was over ages ago for him.

it is absolutely devastating and so much worse than I ever thought it could be. Try and do something each day even if it is a short walk or go to the gym. Take medication if you need to - it wouldn’t be prescribed if they didn’t think you need it.

I’ve been overwhelmed with every emotion out there from sadness to hate to regret to hopelessness and it is very hard. In some way it helps to know there are others going through similar, and we will get through this.

@Newuname199987 I've been taking my medication, albeit not as regularly as I did but made a point of yesterday and I think it helped. Or I don't know if it was because he text asking how things were. How did you sleep? Mine is a constant broken sleep and as soon as I'm awake in the morning it's that ache in my stomach. I really struggle to get out of bed just now and if I've got anytime to myself I go back to bed. Which I know is worse but it means if I'm asleep I'm not thinking about it. I'm trying to weigh up the petites against the negatives in this, but it all comes back to the same thing in that I've lost my partner and everything that comes with it. It's very lonely 😞

DH officially left me yesterday. He kind of half left last week and we then spent the week messaging. We both love each other but we've been trying to figure things out for 8 months now and he's still unhappy. I want to go to marriage counselling but he can't see that it will help.

I've not slept for over a week now and I just don't know how to go on. We still have to tell our DD. I can't figure out how I'm going to get that. She's seen so much sadness from me in the last week even though I'm trying my best not to cry around her.

I've been with him for over 15 years. How am I supposed to be alone? I still have this hope that he's going to come back and make everything better. It doesn't feel real.

Only one friend knows we've been having problems and I just can't face telling anyone else.

@Cluckycluck I know exactly how you're feeling, the pain is indescribable. We'd been trying to figure things out for 2 weeks, our communication had got better but he said he didn't feel any different which killed me. He also told his mum and myself there was no feelings there for him to work on. We told our son the night after we decided he was moving out and it was one of the worst moments of my life. Like you, I don't know how I'm going to go at it alone. I've told all my friends and my work and they've all been amazing. Rally your friends and family as you'll really need their support.
The fact that's he's struggling makes me feel better, as bad as it sounds. I felt as though he wanted the single life king before we split. I'm still hoping he realises what he's lost, but can't hold onto that forever which is difficult. The first shop you do without him, first wash where his clothes aren't there will break you. I'm sending you lots of strength, as you're going to need it. We just need to try and muddle through this

@Username112233 I don't think my DH is sure he's doing the right thing. He wants to put off telling our DD and just tell her that he's away for work again (he has never worked away we've just used that to explain his 2 week absence). He knows that once she has been told we can't go back. I've told him we can't delay telling her as she's already confused about him being away. If he would just tell me that he is certain I could start to accept it but as I feel like there is a glimmer of hope now even though I don't know how we would ever come back from this.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I completely get what you mean about knowing he's struggling too making you feel better. I want him to hurt in the way that I hurt but I know he can't be.

How did your DS take the news? My DD is 5 (almost 6) and she is a pretty robust child who deals with things well and is very emotially mature but after seeing how much she has missed her daddy the last 2 weeks I don't know how she is going to be.

@Cluckycluck ours had just turned 7. It was horrendous to be honest, shouting and screaming. He seems much more settled now though and the house is happier without the atmosphere
I'm literally getting through the days hour by hour. My head is completely and utterly consumed by this. I constantly want to text and tell him how I feel but I know the lack of response will do me no good.
I'll be honest, I've contemplated suicide however I can't do that to our son. Right now he's the only things keeping me here. I just feel so worthless. 2 weeks of trying to make things work is a drop in the ocean for 17 years. It's like death by 1000 cuts. I'm really struggling, as I'm sure you are too. How the hell are we going to do this?

@Username112233 I honestly feel like I'm talking to myself right now, I feel the same. I'm usually such a strong person and this has just broken me in a way I didn't think was possible. I don't understand how we got to this point. After 15 years how am I going to start my life over?

Thank you for your support, it is nice to speak to someone who gets how I'm feeling completely