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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Hand hold please

250 replies

Username112233 · 17/09/2022 11:19

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

OP posts:
Newuname199987 · 19/09/2022 09:21

I’m a bit further down the road than you however I slept really badly last night again. I have told people what’s going on as I have been upset in random places- doctors, dentist, at a hospital appointment etc and everyone has been so so kind. A lot of people have been in the same situation and got through it and have provided hope. I am also seeing a relationship specialist which helps a lot. It is so hard though.

Original poster
Username112233 · 19/09/2022 09:37

@Newuname199987 how did you get through it? I sleep relatively well, I'm going to bed at a decent hour however it to accommodate knowing I'll wake up during the night.

@Cluckycluck I know exactly how you're feeling, I don't think I'll ever get over this. Knowing he's on sleeping tablets helps as I hope he's feeling what I'm feeling and having regrets.

I honestly don't see any light at the end of the tunnel just now. I'm not crying in front of our son and trying to put on a brave face for him. It's so bloody hard. Honestly the worst experience of my life and I can't see it getting any better. This is never what I wanted or thought would happen. I don't understand why people just walk away without a fight. He says he's struggling with this, but why would you struggle when it's what you wanted?

OP posts:
Original poster
Username112233 · 19/09/2022 10:32

I've just dropped out son at his dads and he dropped me back off so he could have the car, I said he could have the car the weekends he's got him and he said that was fine but we'll need to figure out a plan long term. I feel like I'm back to square one again, sitting in tears as it just seems so final. I thought I was all cried out by clearly not. My hearts in pieces

OP posts:
Cluckycluck · 19/09/2022 17:41

@Username112233 I'm sorry, that must have been emotionally brutal having to sit in a car to be dropped off.

I tried to get DH to come home today to tell our DD and just get it over and done with. He said he wasn't ready to do that. I know he is hurting but we have to do what is best for her. Him saying he wasn't ready has ignited that glimmer of hope.

DD and I had a snuggle day today. Blanket fort, cake baking, film and dog walk. I'm taking real solace in her joy for the little things in life at the moment.

Original poster
Username112233 · 19/09/2022 18:47

It was actually fine, I'd taken my earphones to walk home but he offered and I knew it was the best thing for our son so just rolled with it.
Our son phoned earlier to say he was bored and wanted to come home. I phoned his dad and he said he was just fed up, he then dropped him off at 4pm unexpectedly, son went out to play then he sat about building our sons Lego. It was so awkward. I'm not in a position yet to set boundaries, when I feel better I will need to though. I'm concerned in case because he is still paying his share of the bills that he'll use that against me. It actually made me feel worse tonight when he was in the house. He's honestly cracking on as though everything is normal, and I've no where near adapted yet. I don't understand it. He's turned into a person I know longer recognise, and I think it's really sad 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Username112233 · 19/09/2022 20:13

@Cluckycluck how's your evening been?

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Cluckycluck · 20/09/2022 11:11

@Username112233 My evening was okay. I managed a little sleep. I seem to be moving between sad, angry and numb at the moment but I'm trying to tell myself that is okay.

How was your evening?

Original poster
Username112233 · 20/09/2022 12:05

Not great to be honest. Feel better now I'm at work today. I'm the same as you, going through the motions. I just feel sad that he didn't want to try. He's not spoke to anyone about how he's feeling. He just sits up in his room at his mums at night and doesn't even text. I'll need to speak to him tonight about boundaries, he can't just drop our son off whenever he feels like it and hang about the house when our sons out playing. It's not fair on our son and not fair on me. Have you heard much your end?

OP posts:
Cluckycluck · 20/09/2022 14:38

Yes, you absolutely need to have that conversation about boundaries. As you say it isn't fair on you or your son.

I heart from mine this morning. He messaged 'what happened to us?' I told him I'd done nothing but ask myself that question. I'm so confused right now.

BuddhaAtSea · 20/09/2022 14:48

You don’t believe it now, but it will get better. So much better! First you’re sad, then you get mad and then you’re happy again, but it’s a different type of happiness, feels lighter.
I promise you, you’ll see for yourself later on.

Original poster
Username112233 · 20/09/2022 19:16

@Cluckycluck oh that's awful, we're radio silence pretty much unless it's about our son. I hate it. I think it's nice that he text you, it shows he's thinking about you. However, I can appreciate it's a head fuck for you especially when it was him that called the shot. I'm going to have the boundary conversation tonight, will see how it goes. I'm guessing it's not going to go well Confused

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Original poster
Username112233 · 20/09/2022 19:17

I hope so @BuddhaAtSea. I just don't feel like myself anymore,
Like I don't know who I am. It's horrible.

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Idontdoyoga · 21/09/2022 11:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Original poster
Username112233 · 21/09/2022 12:06

I'm going between sadness and anger daily. It's exhausting. I struggle knowing he's so final in his decision, and didn't feel it was enough to work on. Equally I know I didn't want to be in a marriage which was the way it was towards the end, but I just keep thing what the hell happened? He just says we were both unhappy and that I'll go down a rabbit hole trying to find answers which is true. He's checked out big time and it's soul destroying

OP posts:
Idontdoyoga · 21/09/2022 13:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Findingmeagain · 21/09/2022 17:56

Glad to have found this thread and joining to say I am struggling massively at the moment. Separated at Christmas after 17 years and 4 children. Mutual decision after a hard year but mostly because he had completely changed, it was like being married to a stranger. He rented a house very close by and we had actually been getting on well. 3 weeks ago he announced he was seeing someone and it threw me into complete despair. Not eating or sleeping and crying constantly. I knew the chances of getting back together were slim, but I was holding out hope that the love was still there. I got the "I love you but I am not in love with you, we have nothing in common now the kids are older".
I am trying to pull myself together for the children but tonight i saw the girlfriend in his kitchen as I passed the house and I was so angry. I would actually rather be angry than sad right now. I just don't want to feel hurt anymore. Friends have been great but I just don't want to burden them with being so low all the time.

Original poster
Username112233 · 21/09/2022 18:14

@Findingmeagain This is the part I'm dreading. I'm trying not to hold out hope as I know from his end it's completely done. It's horrendous

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Findingmeagain · 21/09/2022 18:47

The thought of dating again hasnt crossed my mind so the fact he has moved on is so painful. I know it will get easier and am going with the fake it till you make it thing. But I have stopped telling people I am fine, because I am not. I am in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore. I am hoping the new girlfriend will dump him and I will be living my best life by myself and he will suddenly regret losing me but it will be too late.

Original poster
Username112233 · 21/09/2022 19:11

How do you guys communicate? Is there any chat apart from about the kids? Ours is just about my son, but if he's bringing him a McDonald's or something he'll always ask if I want something, which wasn't always done before. It probably means nothing but it's daft things like this that give me a false sense of hope which is hard to let go of. Never ever hear from him at night which is the worst as that's when I feel it. It a lonely life without him here, albeit it's a happier house for me and my son

OP posts:
Findingmeagain · 21/09/2022 20:38

Generally daily WhatsApp about the kids (or the dog) but he pops in occasionally and we chat face to face, about work or whatever, only when the kids home though, never alone. Today I am so hurt I have just filed me divorce application online. Need to take back some control.

Cluckycluck · 23/09/2022 09:19

@Findingmeagain I'm sorry you're going through this too. It must be so hard to see him with someone else. At least it has prompted you to charge and file.

@Username112233 I agree, it all feels so much harder at night.

My DH is coming today to talk about what happens from here as we are supposed to be telling DD tomorrow. Of course this week everything has gone to absolute shit round the house so I've really needed him from a practical perspective and he hasn't been here. It's made me realise quite how useless around the house I am and it's a big house that requires lots of general maintenance so I am really going to struggle without him.

Original poster
Username112233 · 23/09/2022 15:11

@Cluckycluck I hope it goes well tonight

I found some evidence (not concrete) but pics and screenshots that suggest he was with someone else. No concrete proof, however on reflection things haven added up for a few months and I've buried my head in the sand. I won't go into details, but from what I've got he's given himself enough rope to hang himself.

He's making excuses for what I have and it doesn't make sense at all. Denying it to everyone as he doesn't want to be tarred with that brush. I feel sorry for his mum and friends as he's denying it. Glad I found out now though rather than have false hope of us getting back together

It's still hard, my gut knows I'm right but my heart tells me otherwise as I never ever thought he'd do this. I'm sitting in the house devastated at nights, while he's speaking to someone else. It's hard that my feelings for him haven't switched off by his for me clearly did long ago

OP posts:
Maze76 · 23/09/2022 18:27

@Username112233 Hi, I’ve been reading your post and just read your update. Having been through similar, it is highly likely there is a third party- other woman.
When they withdraw, give you the ‘I love you but not in love with you’ - translate that do ‘ I’ve met someone else’.
sorry you’re going through this, it’s awful!

Original poster
Username112233 · 23/09/2022 19:34

@Maze76 it's horrendous isn't it. How are you coping? He refuses to admit it it to anyone, even his mum and friends so I'm being painted as the bad person

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Maze76 · 23/09/2022 19:46

@Username112233 This happened to me during covid, so mentally I’m better than I was, although we are still sharing a house, so that’s been difficult.
In the beginning I would just burst into tears, I didn’t eat, lost so much weight and he refused to answer questions I had.

Like you I’m the ‘bad person’, the excuses he’s come out with are just ridiculous, apparently I didn’t love him because I didn’t buy him a video game .. it’s just pathetic.
But the good news is that with time it gets easier, you realise that his actions have nothing to do with you - he’s behaved this way because he wanted to.