Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

It is hard eh. I've managed to get up and about today and spoke to a
Few folk so feel a bit better. It's just going to take time I suppose. Dreading Xmas etc mind you

How is everyone doing?

I've now stopped crying but I just feel numb.

Hi @Cluckycluck, apologies for the radio silence. I'm doing really well thanks, how are you getting on?

How are the rest of you all getting on?

I'm glad to hear you are doing really well

I'm actually doing well too. I still feel sad but I think we're finding our feet with the co-parenting thing and making steps into a good friendly place. We have had a few things that we've had to do together recently so we've done the general chit chat thing and laughed together. We've decided to spend Christmas together as a family and keep things as normal as possible for DD.

Neither of us have initiated te divorce process yet but are both set up with solicitors to do so. Maybe once Christmas is out of the way we'll make a start. I'm not doing anything until the New Yeat as I really don't want to ruin Christmas and I'm fully aware that this is the point that things could turn nasty. He is a very high earner and I'm a SAHM so there is likely to be some resentment at whatever settlement there is.

That's nice you're getting on well

Things have taken a turn for us, I've had to get the police involved. He's been told to stay away from me, so that's definitely a good thing!

I honestly can't believe how much better I feel after going to them. It's like a weights been lifted off my shoulders.

Hello
I’m so sorry that you are all going through what I’m currently going through.
My DH dropped the bomb 5 days ago that he was moving out. It has been a total shock to me as there was literally no change in our relationship up to that point.
I am absolutely broken and in total shock. I am flip flopping between being absolutely distraught, to feeling numb, to feeling angry.
We haven’t told the kids yet and I just don’t know how that conversation is even going to broached.
I am finding great comfort in seeing as time has passed, you all finding your strength and I’m going to cling on to that. So thank you.

@preggersbycheggers Time will pass and it will get easier. There was a point where I honestly didn't think I would make it through. It will be hard but you will get there eventually, I promise.

You will honestly get there, I promise. There will be days you don't want to be here, wondering how you will cope etc.

Take all the help and support you can get, call in favours etc as you'll need it. A day at a time, even an hour or a minute if need be. Don't be afraid to cry in front of your children or anyone else. Remember that you're a person too, and you matter as well. The thing that really grinds my gear is when people say "you need to do what's best for the kids". And that goes without saying. However you're a person too, and YOU matter as well. If you're not good then the likelihood is your kids won't be either.

Lawyer up, it will be a bumpy ride but we're all here to ride it with you. Sending you lots of love

Hi everyone. How are you all getting on?

Well it's been a bloody roller coaster. At the point I thought I was doing okay and making decisions to positively progress my life, DH decides that actually he does want to try and make it work and do marriage counselling. We have done a session and we have another today.

I don't know if it will lead anywhere (or if I want it to lead anywhere) but I'm hoping that it will help us to co-parent better and clear the air.

How are things with you @Username112233?

That's good you are making progress @Cluckycluck, regardless of what way it goes.

Things ok here, myself and DS are getting on with it well. It's honestly such a much more relaxed house hold, no walking on eggshells or dreading hearing the key turn in the lock. Im so much happier and can't wait for Xmas, im wrapping DS pressies as we speak.

I've decided im selling the house, so will discuss with my solicitor in the new year. I'm also coming off my AD's and anxiety tablets and can see much clearer without them. I've realised they've just been masking my feelings about DH behaviour the past few years I've been on them.

DH is now advising he can't pick DS up from school anymore. I've told him to step up and start taking more responsibility and that he'll need to sort childcare for this as I do everything else. I'm sure that's not went down well but that's just tough.

How's your DD been? What's your Xmas plans?

Hope everyone is hanging in there. Christmas is such a stressful time of year. It marks the anniversary of my split and my ex is coming over for lunch which I guess is progress. My kids are older so preparations have been fairly chilled. I started seeing someone new a month ago but the situation is complicated so I am not sure if it will progress. But - I am looking forward to not spending a new year's eve crying on the sofa at midnight for the first time in years !!!

Hello everyone. How are you all getting on?

Hi how are you getting on ? I am ok on the whole. Currently single, so not looking forward to the whole valentines thing this week. My divorce date is coming around soon too (the conditional order part) but christmas and new year went well. Feeling settled. Hope things are going smoothly for everyone else too.

Hello! Nice to hear from you. Things not great this end but working through it. Locks have had to be changed, naturally this has caused an uproar with him despite him moving everything out nearly 6 months ago. Transpires he's been coming to the house when I've not been in the house (despite an undertaking) so my solicitors exploring the exclusion order route. Xmas was another shit show with him threatening to not return DS. Honestly, it's exhausting however getting there. Now at financial disclosure stage which hoping shouldn't take too long to come to an agreement. Valentine's Day was never a thing for us, however we're all getting a big takeaway in work that night so looking forward to that

Just read this whole thread and it has made me laugh and cry with you all. You are all amazing

Guys I only read the first page of this thread. Men don’t usually behave like this until the moment their head is seeking validation. Affairs, for all of them. None of the new contenders are that great as they are going for recycled and up cycled dadbods. Anyhow. I don’t mean to upset any of you but it’s classic behaviour. Then saying they don’t think the relationship counselling would help. Oh please. They just want to try out their shitty little experiments.

Sure drudgery life etc gets mundane. But these charmers were mundane themselves ffs so don’t let their shitty opinion bring your self esteem down. They are not the choosers. They are the losers.

They have the gift of children yet they can not step up to bring them up 24/7, just little visits that’s all. They will me the ones that lose out.

The sooner you snap out of feeling sad about your loss of him or the relationship, the more chance you have of developing a relationship with your kids, and believe me the poor souls need you.

Wishing you strength.

Oh just saw that the thread has progressed towards some solid action. Well done to all. Xx

Hello you lovely bunch. How are you all?

Well on the whole I am in an ok place. However today I am feeling anxious and emotional. Things with the ex are amicable. Final order date for divorce coming up very very soon. Kids seem settled. But I got into a new relationship and it's been 5 months of on off on off pretty much constant being hurt. Came to a head this weekend and i know i need to just let it go. I think I've only put up with it as my self esteem and boundaries were left so low and I am so long out of the dating game. Just going to take some time to pick myself up and try to accept being single for a while.
How is everyone else holding up ?

Hi all
Is anyone else going through mediation? I'm really struggling with it. It's making me hate lying, cheating, financially exploitative ex.

@Username112233 @Newuname199987 @Cluckycluck sorry for tagging you all in but I've read most of this thread thinking I could have written most of it myself.

Together 13 years, married 4, he left me 7 weeks ago today following 8 months of him telling me he did/didn't want to make the marriage work, that he did love me, and when I tried a few times to end it as it was making me ill, he told me he wanted to work at it - basically messed my head up to the point where I am now at times feeling suicidal although know to ring the mental health crisis team when I feel like this.

Just come back from a week away with 20yr old DD and I have battered that poor girl's head with constant rumination - we've managed to have good times of a night but the last 2 days I've felt like ending everything as I'm pushing everyone away

H has turned into someone I no longer recognise. DD has told him I'm struggling with my MH and asked him to help - he pulled up outside to take her to work before and mouthed 'fuck off' at me despite knowing I'm ill with it all

He's had mental health issues and depression from before I met him, he's got childhood issues. However he's now back living with his mum and all is forgiven apparently and I am the cause of his mental health issues

I feel as though he's gaslit me and I can't understand why I'm so upset - I have never felt like this in my life and it's scaring me

Not even filed for divorce yet - I've asked him for the court fee but he won't give it me, despite him having more than enough money to do so

Please tell me it gets better - I'm 43, I thought I'd found a home and life for DD after her bio dad was a pig to us and now, as she keeps telling me, it's all gone to shit

Sorry to read your message, that sounds really tough. It's all still very fresh and yes I am sure it will get better - but expect lots of ups and downs. Men do seem to turn into strangers overnight ! Your dd will understand and its ok for her to see you struggling, but maybe try to lean on others too so you don't feel guilty for burdening her. At 43 you still have a lot of life ahead of you and a chance to find happiness again.

Thank you @Findingmeagain - how long does it take to accept he's not coming back? After what he did yesterday, and seeing me, again, in a crumpled messy heap, he insisted on collecting DD from work at 1am to bring her home rather than her stay in her uni halls as was planned, telling her he thought it was best that she stayed with me to make sure I was okay - so now the stupid voice in my head is battered again, why would he care?

And all he seems to be doing is sitting in his box room at his mums, going to work, the match when his team are at home (fanatic supporter) and ferrying DD around wherever she needs to be, and taking her for tea - what sort of life is he choosing for himself in his mid-40s?

I am constantly obsessing, is this normal?

It did give me a little light at the end of the tunnel that you've managed a relationship, I obviously can't think about that now but so scared I'll be alone for the rest of my life - I thought it was all secured at 43

Well my attempt at a relationship didn't end well for me but at least it did show me i could get myself out there again and I wasn't past it ! The split was a joint decision so I was never waiting for him to come back, but when he started seeing someone I completely fell apart. But I just kept going one day at a time. Real friends will show up for. Throw yourself into a hobby or book in some little treats you can look forward to. Look after your own physical health (not eating is my stress go to which I know isn't great). Maybe keep a diary where you can vent as much as you like but you also have it to look back on to see how far you have come. Good luck.