Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

@AndPeggy08 you're right, it is a rollercoaster. I'm just so overwhelmed by it all. I'm off work today again, couldn't face it. Been seeing a councillor but I think I'm going to need more than that

I feel as though I should be feeling much better by now but I'm not. Struggling to get out of bed, crying in front of my son and the house is a tip. I honestly don't think I'll get through this and it's awful. How have you been?

@Username112233

I’m so sorry to hear that you couldn’t face work today - I hope you’ve managed to get plenty of rest. Be kind to yourself - this is such a massive change and you’re doing well even just to carry on and look after your son. It doesn’t matter if the house is a tip.

Have you spoken to your GP? It might be worth it if you don’t think counselling alone is helping - there is no shame in asking for help while you need it.

I’m having a down day. Was awake at 4am worrying about energy bills of all things. I’ve got today off work as the kids have an inset day and my daughter has an appointment so it made sense to book the day off - but I feel so much worse when I’m not being kept busy by work. Was wandering around town with my daughter earlier and all I could think was that I wanted to be wandering around town with my daughter and my husband like we used to.
That’s when the sadness hits me - when I’m doing stuff I would have done with him.

I’m also a bit annoyed that he’s off doing his hobby all weekend while I’m left keeping the kids entertained for 3 days. They are teenagers so don’t take lots of entertaining but my daughter has an eating disorder so it’s mentally draining being the one to watch her like a hawk all day and have the argument over food, and watch the tears when she thinks she’s fat. He has conveniently checked out of dealing with all that. Living his best life as a single man.

Have you got plans for the weekend?

@AndPeggy08 Thank you for messaging, it really helps having someone to talk to that understands.

I'm already in medication and have had it upped recently, I don't know if it's helping though. I'm not great at taking it tbh these days cos I feel like I deserve to feel like this.

How are the kids taking it? Your poor daughter, that's soul destroying. I've got private healthcare through work so going to look into it next week as it's changed recently.

I've asked one of my friends to come up tonight and meant to be going shopping tomorrow, I'll see how I feel though. Like you, I miss doing the things together we would have done as a family.

My son is looking forward to the weekend with us dad as they've got loads planned. It hurts knowing he's doing more with him now rather than what he ever did before. It also hurts that I've not got my son either as he keeps me going

The loneliness is crippling. Im scared to be on my own as that's when the bad thoughts creep in and it's hard to keep them at bay. I feel so worthless, and that everyone deserves better rather than constantly worrying about me. I also miss my MIL, we spoke all the time but neither of us have reached out and I think we're both scared to

You're not alone, OP. I am recently separated too and struggling so much, even though it was my decision and frankly DH more than deserved to be left. I should go ahead with the divorce.

But I'm not happy alone.

The grass isn't greener, as it turns out. I've actually ended up on a dating site to see it fir myself. Didn't go on any dates, didn't do anything really, had hundreds of messages that were crap and one heart to heart with a guy in a similar boat to me - a good mate material. I found these men dull, unattractive and unfunny. Which tells me I probably don't want to be with anyone else and that's difficult because I'm very hurt and disappointed with him. I don't think all these men are shit, it's me who finds them shit.

Maybe in time you could explore for yourself and see how you're finding it. One thing it did, it's boosted my ego a bit which was needed after months in a desperate sorry state.

I will write a longer post but I'm really struggling today.

Just know you're not alone and it's so, so shit. Sometimes it's shit and we have to face it without looking for silver linings. xxx

Hi @Berlioze thanks for messaging. It's nice to hear from someone who actually made the choice to leave but has found it difficult

My partners behaviour was purely based on selfishness. I hope he's realised that it was down to him primarily, but equally I know I was to blame as well. I was constantly on his back asking him to put us first, but it never amounted to anything. I feel extreme guilt for this, and it's not pleasant. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well which when I look back I never felt supported with in our marriage, despite me telling him how he could help.

Sorry to hear you're having an off day. I've struggled today as well, you are. It's honestly soul destroying. I feel so bad for my family as I know they hate seeing me in this state, which just worsens the guilt. How did your family and in laws take it?

@Username112233

you absolutely do not deserve to feel like that. I bet you are an amazing mum and I bet you were a lovely wife - it’s totally normal to want your husband to put your family first - but some men are just selfish (my husband is one of them - keeps saying it’s my fault for wanting to do things with him and not giving him space - I’d say that a husband should act like a husband, not like a single man).

I hope your friend manages to cheer you up. Definitely go out shopping with her. It will take your mind off it for a few hours.

Your husband is trying his hardest with your son right now but I bet he’ll soon get bored and won’t pack loads of exciting stuff into his weekends forever. I reckon your son looks forward to his weekends with you just as much.

My kids haven’t taken it too well. My daughter is upset and clingy, my son is very angry. He hasn’t made an effort really though to do stuff with them and hasn’t suggested a rota to see them. They are keeping me going though and have been very lovely and caring since he’s gone which I’m so grateful for.

Thank you for continuing to message @AndPeggy08, you're so kind.

I can understand why your kids feel like that, it's must be hard for them with their emotions running all over the place.

I really feel for our son as well. I'm unsure if the novelty of having fun stuff every weekend with him will wear off, time will tell.

I heard my husband laughing as I shut the door in his face earlier and he tried to get in. He says he wants things to be amicable but his actions and threats show otherwise. I'm really trying but how can he expect things to be amicable when he's shown where his true priorities lie

My own family has been shit (entirely separate, unrelated story), we've been minimum contact for 3 years now. In any event, my mother is the type that would defend DH no matter what, so in a way it's a blessing she's out of the picture now. My father is abusive in more ways than one and completely emotionally detached, so that's definitely a blessing! Of course it leaves a void of not having support of your own family which is super hard.

MIL and FIL are totally with me. They're not putting pressure either way, but I sense they would like me to stay married to him. MIL said regardless of what happens, I am always welcome, and that's with or without my son. We catch up separately, without DH, and go for walks together etc. Mind you, this has not always been the case, we went years no contact because DH miscommunicated things and caused a huge rift which should have never occured. Unforgivable, really. If you look at it as an outsider, you'd honestly say he's an idiot and/or vile, but actually we all think he is neurodivergent, so didn't mean many of the things he did and said in a way in which most people would understand them. But still, it's so bloody hard and upsetting for me. So anyway, it's refreshing to have PILs close to me and a big relief after all these years tbh.

If it wasn't for my DS and friends, I honestly had many days when I thought about ending it. But I don't think I'm the type to go through with it, I'm just illustrating how low it feels sometimes.

I'm in a demanding senior role too and putting on a brave face, but really struggling. I took time off this week and rested up a bit yesterday, but today this heavy cloud is back and I still don't know what to do.

I'm losing hair out of stress, my appetite is NIL or I binge (rarely), I have headaches and stomach aches, as well as panic attacks. I have insomnia. Honestly, the toll that this separation is taking is making me question if it's really worth it or whether I should give in and focus on working things out.

The truth is I don't want to be single, I don't want to be a single mother, and at my age I don't have particular interest in dating or fleeting relationships. I'm a wife material. That's who I am. And now I'm a very hurting wife and it's a huge struggle.

@Berlioze I 100% get how you're feeling. I've been thinking of ending it a few times now, I've got my funeral songs etc ready but honestly don't have the energy to do it.

I wish we could've worked things out, but I couldn't make him love me.
Like you, I can't be bothered with dating and fleeting relationships. I'm wife material as well, I just wish he saw it. It's honestly destroying me.

As I'm sure you know, the earliest stages are the hardest and I thought I'd be through this by now or at least getting easier, and it's not. I honestly feel like im living on borrowed time

I'd like to reach out to my MIL as she's one of my closest friends but im scared in case of how she reacts, she knows her son's behaviour is wrong, but feels like im the one to blame for it

It's just a constant battle in your head isn't it. I don't know whether it's worth it either, I've lost over a stone and just want to sleep all the time so im not awake and feeling the pain

@Username112233 He sounds pretty vile to be honest and you are probably well rid if he’s making things so awkward for you now. To be honest my husband has been much the same but it’s the thing that has stopped me crying so much - it makes me realise that he isn’t the person I loved. Maybe with time it’ll be the thing that makes you stronger - why would you want to be with a man that would laugh at you when you’re clearly so upset. ((Big hugs)) and I hope you manage to enjoy the weekend with your friend.

@Berlioze I don’t have contact with my family either - went no contact with my mum after my dad died. It is so hard not having family to support you ☹️ I’m glad your MIL is giving you some support. ((Big hugs)) to you too.

@AndPeggy08 that's the thing, he never used to be like this and has only been acting like this since we split. Why would you laugh at someone who you surely must know is hurting?

I honestly don't know if I've got it in me to carry on, everything has just gone to shit and im really struggling to push through it. Im trying to capture every single piece of my sons face to hang in there, and it just makes me sad that he's having to go through this. He deserves so much better

@Username112233

Things will get better - they have to. It’s hard right now because he’s showing a different side of himself and it’s confusing and upsetting - but you will get through this.

Be kind to yourself and let you and your little boy be your focus. Don’t feel bad when you have a down day - it’s completely normal.

Bloody men - I know I’m generalising but since I’ve found myself in this position ( where he got bored and decides he wants the single life and to forget his responsibilities) I’ve come across so many women in real life and on here who have gone through the same thing - why do so many men do this? Even 6 months ago I would have never imagined myself in this position - it is scary how quickly they can lose interest. It’s not just that they lose interest - they lose empathy as well - hence the laughing when you’re hurting.

You deserve better - please remember that.

Thank you @AndPeggy08.

@Username112233 When you're feeling that low, think that your DS would be MUCH worse off without you in his life. You are his anchor. You are his main caregiver and you get once in a lifetime chance to help shape him to become a good man. He will look back at you in time with nothing but admiration and respect and as an adult he will understand you've done your utmost best to keep him protected. We're human. Sometimes we fail. He will know this in years to come. Never think to leave him.

And hang in there. Reach out to your MIL. She may not be a shoulder to cry on over DH but having a good relationship with her will make your and your son's lives easier and better.

I would also add, not defending your DH, but people under stress sometimes act like twats because they aren't dealing well with the situation. If it's out of character for him, it could be this. Or maybe he has been a twat for a while, maybe he disregarded your feelings for ages but you were conditioned to accept it. Only you know this. If the latter, you are well rid.

Thank you @Berlioze @AndPeggy08 you're really helping me tonight

I just don't understand it, and I don't think I ever will which is frustrating. I'm hard to be around just now (I know this) and feel like it's pushing everyone away. People check in regularly and I don't want to put them out by constantly asking them to come up and sit with me. They have their own lives and family too. I've never hidden how I'm feeling so it must be a drain on them to try and reassure me constantly.

I'm scared to reach out to MIL in case she's frosty, and any act of unkindness just now isn't what I need. People are pushing me to do stuff and I know I need to but I'm just not there yet.

See that's the thing, I don't know if it would be better for him if im not here. Im so down and emotional all the time and that's not nice for him to see. I just feel like someone else could step in and be much better for him than having to live with a mum that can't give him what he wants/needs emotionally because I'm so low.

@Username112233 No, you're low now (understandably). This won't last forever and in any event you're recognising this and you will get the help if you need it. Sorry, I've not seen whether you are on any meds now? If not would you consider? Are you doing anything at all for yourself right now?

@Berlioze yeah im on meds, the dr thought about changing them but last time he did that I got even worse

What do you mean by doing anything for myself? Sorry, I don't understand. I've managed to tidy a bit of the house if that's what you mean and go for a bath. I just want to sleep all the time and not feel like this

@Username112233 No, no, I mean things that are good for your physical and mental health.

Be it a walk, sport, fresh air, yoga, meditation, a hobby? What do you enjoy doing, just yourself?

Ahh ok, I get it now. I don't really like doing much tbh. I always liked time to myself just to go for a bath and do housework etc but I'm not even enjoying these things. I'm not finding joy in the things I used to and it's sad. All I wanted was for some time to myself on occasion for a break, and now I've got it on a permanent basis I hate it. What do you do?

A bath is a good start, but housework isn't you time. What about things you used to do before you met DH? And things you sometimes thought maybe I could try this, but then you didn't have enough motivation/courage/time/whatever?

This is what you need to do. Listen to yourself and prioritise.

I booked myself three theatre tickets, I'll be going once a month for the rest of the year, just me. I took a day off and had a spa day without telling anyone. I've started yoga - always wanted to try, now I'm into it, I researched the right style for me (who knew there were different). I've refreshed my wardrobe. I am going to gym and stopped pretending I have no time. I go for walks before bed with my friend too. I got a book I always wanted to read. I am ticking off my list, and only mine, because I can. I still feel shit right now, but I would feel a lot worse withoit these things. They are little pick me ups. Bottom line is, when I do them, I enjoy being alone/free.

@Berlioze I used to go out with my friends as we were all single then, but they're all married got kids etc now. I'm meant to be going out with my friend today but don't know if I feel up to it. I've woke up feeling sick and anxious, might try and go back to sleep as I didn't go to sleep until 2am.

I've completely lost myself and don't know if I'll ever find myself or feel ok again

@Username112233 Don't think of it as if you were being forced and pushed, but just testing waters. You can go and leave if it gets too much. It's ok. It's also ok to do things for you, gently. You're not seeing it this way right now, but if you keep at it, it will help you tremendously. I've learnt from cognitive behavioural therapy - practising self compassion, prioritising yourself and getting out and about to conquer this daunting feeling. I have anxiety too.

@Berlioze I want to show him what he's missing by getting out and about cos I never used to, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

I'm in a pretty bad way today. I've had to ask my friends to come up and sit with me so hoping 1 of them can manage. I'm too scared to be on my own. Did you ever feel like this?

Yeah, of course. My best friend spent days sitting with me and/or babysitting my little boy. We obviously didn't come up with solutions because there are no easy ones, but she was there with me so I'm not alone.

I think the first step is changing your frame of mind from showing him what he's missing to doing what you want, for you, full stop. You can do it now. It's scary, but dare I say it, once you allow yourself, it's also fun and enjoyable. You don't depend on him to validate you and your needs. You never have, including when he was around. You are your own person and you always have been. If he finds this attractive, it's a side effect that may boost your ego, not the main goal. You matter in this. Not him.

I'll try. Its hard though. Got some books so may try and read them

Everything just seems so pointless just now. I feel Like I'm a lost cause and that I should be feeling better than this by now