Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

How are you all this weekend? @Cluckycluck how did your wee girl get on at here dads?

Hi, can I join? My partner left yesterday. He walked out on me and my baby. He said he is going for 2 weeks and probably won’t be back after that so I have to expect that he won’t come back. I feel so sad and angry. We’ve been together for nearly 8 years and he walks out just before my daughter’s birthday? Just before my maternity leave ends? I still love him and I can’t believe I might be a single mum now 😔what should I do first?

Of course you can @Strongelephant. This thread has been a great help to me and continues to do so. We're all muddling through this together.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, there's honestly no pain like it.
My only advice for you this early on is to rest and sleep if your body is telling you to. Leans on your fitness and family for support, and please ask for help if you need it

Are things amicable?

Thank you. I am leaning on my family a lot for help. I want to rest badly but I have to look after my baby. One second I am crying and the next I am angry. Right now I am so angry because I know he is going out with his friend for dinner tonight and doing things like going for a run and having space while I’m in pieces. How long have you been apart and has it got easier? Things aren’t amicable at the moment really because I am so shocked. He said he’s been unhappy for years but he’s been cold for months so I thought it was a rough patch.

I'm a few months down the line. We'd both been unhappy for a while. I brought up the subject with him and told him what I wanted to change, then he did something that was just the straw that broke the camels back for me. Too outing for here

I've since discovered he was messaging his ex so it's not amicable for me either, as I don't want to be friends with someone who's morals are in the gutter. My issue was that he never prioritised me and our son. Every weekend he spent was in the pub or with his friends, then too hungover to do anything. Looking back I've been a complete and utter mug, so the anger is getting me through it. He's also not been great at sticking to arrangements for our son.

Its definitely been the right thing for me. He actually has to spend time with our son now; since we've been separated he's done more things with him than what he's done in years. To me this speaks volumes. I don't know how he's coping with his social life being curtailed mind you. The friends he drank with are a lot older than him so kids are adults, his friends of a similar age naturally spend time with their families

My advice to you would be set boundaries, and stick to them. Get all your ducks in a row and get a solicitor

@Strongelephant I'm sorry you're going through this too.

I'm still in the absolute mess stage even though it has been a few weeks now. Lots of people are further along than I am and are finding things easier so I am hopeful that it will get easier for me at some point. I still love him and want to be with him so I'm struggling to accept it. My DH didn't do anything wrong, he was just unhappy and couldn't find a way to be happy at home as part of our family. He says he still loves me. I'm angry at him for going but I don't hate him.

You do need to seek legal advice.

Morning everyone. How are you all getting on this week?

Hi,
@Cluckycluck im sorry you are at the mess stage. It’s hard to know when we will feel better. I also still love my ex and want to be with him so I understand how you feel. I feel like a love struck teenager instead of a grown woman. That’s good that you don’t hate him because it shows how mature you are.
@Username112233 yesterday I found out my ex had/has a girlfriend so he’s been cheating on me for a few months. Seeing pictures of them makes me feel sick. I feel betrayed and anxious. Today I felt so anxious I cried in a shop. How are you today? X

@Strongelephant2 I've been a bit of a mess this week tbh, not been taking my tablets so I'm probably not helping myself. I've instructed my solicitors as well re division of marital assets, equity, pensions etc. No doubt this will cause me grief as I know this is the route he doesn't want to go down.

I feel as though I'm back at the stage of there being no point in me being here, which isn't a nice feeling. I'm trying to take in every piece of my sons face every day as a reminder that he needs me. I just feel useless as I honestly think that he deserves better. I've not told friends and family about this as I don't want to be a burden, and as far as they know everything's tickety boo

@Username112233 im sorry to hear you are not feeling great. Do you think the tablets will help? I know what you mean as it is so hard to take care of ourselves and do normal things like take tablets and have showers etc with this trauma. I know what you mean about future issues. I worry about this non stop as if we never agreed as a couple how much worse will it be now?

I think lots of people feel like that sometimes, it’s a horrible feeling but it’s because others have brought our self esteem down. Your son has you and that’s the best person in the world for him so please don’t forget that.

do you think you will open up to someone in real life? All my friends and family will soon get bored of me droning on about my ex and his new home wrecker girlfriend I’m sure.

we don’t deserve this

No, I won't tell anyone. They'll be bored of me being so depressed and hearing about my shitty things. I'd be depressed if I had to
Listen to me droning on

We don't deserve this at all. Who deserves a constant battle with their kind of whether to live or die?

@Username112233 thats ok because there are places to talk online like mumsnet so at least we can talk and understand each other better than people in real life.
I know what you mean. I’m thinking of keeping a journal and just writing down one small act of self care a day. What do you think?

Morning all,

Sorry I haven’t been back here in a while - I’ve been having an awful time of it and have hit absolute rock bottom this morning.

DH left mid September after a couple of rocky months. He started a new job in March and changed as a person almost overnight. I guess I’ve been hoping and praying for that person to come back but I now know he’s completely gone.

He hasn’t been taking the kids regularly (to be fair they don’t want to go with him either), hasn’t been helping with our DD who has an eating disorder even though I’ve begged for a bit of help as it’s exhausting doing it all on my own, and he put divorce papers in last weekend after an argument about him not asking how our DDs appointment went.

I started Sertraline on Tuesday morning because I was so down, by Wednesday my mood was on the floor - not sure if this is the meds making me worse before better so I asked him if he could at least give me some answers so I could understand why he has gone ( said he hasn’t loved me for a while but we had some lovely times together so I don’t 100% but that ). I got the most vile message back off him last night - blaming me for everything - I’m controlling, I’m emotionally abusive to him, his erectile dysfunction wasn’t really erectile dysfunction - it’s because he didn’t fancy me anymore - I am literally sat here broken. I’ve honestly sat and wracked my brains about how I could be controlling and genuinely don’t think I ever have been - he’s been off at a hobby every other weekend while I stay behind with DD. He says he could just tell I didn’t want him to go so that is controlling.

Am supposed to be working and I’m achieving nothing at all. Is anyone on Sertraline? Does it make you worse first and how long until I at least don’t feel like I want to jump off a bridge?

Sorry all - I will read through everyone else’s recent posts later when I get chance. I’m just sat here feeling distraught and very sorry for myself right now.

@Strongelephant2 yeah I'll maybe try that. To be honest mum actually too exhausted to function at the minute, which I'm annoyed about as I was doing well for a good bit there.

@AndPeggy08 Not been on that specific tablet, but it's fact that most antidepressants/anxiety make you worse before you are better. Not helpful I'm afraid. Is there any time you can take off work? I worked going through all this but like yourself wasn't actually achieving anything. Felt much better after a week off

@Username112233 same. I haven’t found one thing that’s helped today. Just don’t have the motivation.
@AndPeggy08 im sorry to hear you are struggling. How dare he say those things to you. My ex also blamed me for everything basically. These are bullies and they are just deflecting. I keep thinking of all the horrible things he has said and it makes me realise that he was more unkind than I thought. Sometimes when you think about that or tell people you realise how much of a bully he is.

Thanks @Username112233 I’ve admitted defeat and have phoned the sickness line this afternoon. I will take at least tomorrow off and hope I feel better by Monday. I’m considering just stopping taking the pills as at least I could function before I started taking them - now I just can’t do anything. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so down too.

Thanks @Strongelephant2 - he was such a lovely husband for so long so his attitude now shocks me but he is fully laying the blame at my door and I am distraught because I still loved him and would have done anything for him. My self esteem is on the floor as it is and I’m trying to think whether I could have been all the things he’s calling me now - but I just can’t see how I was. I’m sorry your ex was the same as well. I messaged a friend this morning who went through the same thing a few years ago - she says this behaviour from him is textbook and hearing that other people have had the same behaviour directed at them makes me think it is textbook.

Try and persevere with the pills, you'll be back to square 1 if you start and stop. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I started taking my tablets again today so am feeling shitty, suicidal thoughts etc. Im hoping it passes soon.

When I look back my husband wasn't that lovely at all. Made my life a misery but because it was more narcissistic things and not actually violence I thought that was ok. It's clear now that it's not. I just kept quiet for an easy life, as anything I challenged I was made to feel I was to blame for, so it wasn't worth the hassle. It's sad as there was good times as well, but when I reflect they were few and far between, as what he said he would do never actually transpired. Actions speak louder than words

I'm still crying when I do drop off as every day I'm scared will be the last day I see my son

I honestly don't know what is going on with relationships these days. Couples splitting up is all I seem to hear about

@AndPeggy08 how can someone be nice and then change like this? Do you think he has something going on with his mental health? Sometimes people change with stress I suppose. I’m not sure. It’s still no excuse to be unkind to you. My self esteem has always been low too. How can we bring it up? What name would be used to describe someone with this behaviour- narcissist?

@Username112233 i understand how you feel
about good times being far and in between. Sometimes it just feels easier to stick with someone even when they don’t treat you well. Some couples seem happy and it makes me jealous but they could be heading for the same fate I’m sad to say.

my ex is coming to pick up some stuff this weekend. I’m so scared he could turn up at anytime and catch me by surprise and say he wants to hang out with our baby. What if he brings his new girlfriend? I had to change the locks but then I had to leave him a key. What’s the point. :( I saw a therapist today. Expensive but hopefully helps. Who knows. :( feel awful.

Sorry that some of you are struggling this week. It really does seem the case that men completely change personality once its over between you ! It's taken me almost 12 months to get to a settled place and I still have the odd bad day. I don't look at my ex in a romantic way at all now, but I don't hate him either. He just isn't the person I married. I have been on one date, I really liked him but he was only interested in a hook up which was disappointing (one night stands are fine if you both know what you getting in to but at the moment I need someone to make me feel good about myself again). It has made me realise I am ready to get back out there again though. Good luck to all of you on this rocky journey.

@Findingmeagain that's good you're feeling a bit better, and had the strength to walk away from ONS if it's not what you wanted

My depression is crippling me this week, I cannot get out of it. I'm going to end up sleeping all weekend which realistically I know isn't a good idea but I'm just so exhausted

He's said our son won't want to live with me. I know it's mind games but I can't get it out of my head. I'm still hysterical at school drop off in case it's the last time I see our son. It's exhausting. Hanging on by a thread again, not interested in my family or friends which is a sign that things aren't good. Friends say to let them know if I need anything, but realistically when you're in this head space the last thing you want to do is burden people.

Please call someone OP. If you can't face friends or family call the Samaritans.

I've eventually told a couple of friends. I've been putting a face on it recently so they'd just assumed I was ok. Feeling a tiny bit better, it comes and goes though.

I've called Samaratins a few times but not found them particularly helpful to be honest.
Just going to have a shower and hopefully that perks me up a bit.

Anyone else felt like this after a break up?

@Username112233 i also haven’t found the Samiritans very helpful. I feel depressed too like my life is in ruins on the floor. I can’t believe I’m in this situation.

I'm the same. This is never what I wanted,
And could have perhaps been prevented had he listened to us saying that we just wanted his time.

It's all consuming isn't it. I'm hoping I perk up soon as this is just complete survival mode for me just now.

I was telling my therapist that I'm awful for a while then can have a week or so of doing ok and feeling like I have the strength to do this. She's told me that emotions aren't linear, which is a very good point to make

@Username112233 thats true. It’s just hard to know how to feel better. It feels impossible sometimes. My ex told me he would never get back together with me and I just feel defeated. Every time there’s a bit of courage, one thing just takes it all away again