Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

@Maze76 oh my god, that's horrendous you're still living together, he lived here for 2 days after we called sit a day and it was hard going, I can't even imagine how you're feeling

How long did you hurt for? I'm still crying the majority of the time, and not eating great. I've lost a lot of weight which is the only silver lining as I wasn't happy with my weight before 🤣

Sometimes I feel mentally strong but I've got constant anxiety now that he shits going to hit the fan as he's painting me to be the bad one whilst denying all wrongdoing to everyone else

I didn't think I could feel any worse when we broke up until I found out he's been sneaking about. Although I don't have concrete evidence as such, he's given enough rope to hang himself

Yeah it hasn’t been easy. I used to watch him leave for her house every Saturday- he never stayed the night though.

I filed for divorce, the house we bought after we married is now up for sale- hoping that completes October.

I had 2 months of just dispair and questioning my worth- and I needed to sit through all the hurt because it made me determined not to give in.

I started exercising and that really helped me, I really recommend it , gives you something to focus on.

I still have moments when I’ll remember a horrible thing he’s said and I then get that pang of hurt- but those episodes are less now.
I hate to say it but it does sound like your another woman could have turned your partners head.
my advice, don’t let him know that you suspect, just watch for now, if he is seeing someone else it’s not likely to last.

@Maze76 that awful, I'm so sorry you're going through that. He already knows, I've got the evidence to back it up. She's married as well but I'm not even getting involved in that side of things. He's definitely had his head turned and checked out long before we actually split up

Trying to see the positives in that I'm no
Longer running about like a headless chicken trying to please everyone and do everything. I can take things at my own pace, and actually have time to myself now our sons at his house. I don't know how he'll cope mind you as that's his weekends out curtailed. He's ended up with less freedom whereas I've ended up with more, granted I don't know what to do with it yet

I'm trying to not keep looking at what I found the the pics of her. I think she's beautiful which doesn't help.

Im trying not to go down a rabbit hole with it, but by god it's hard. I'm dreading the day I see him with someone else.

I honestly hope it doesn't last and that he'll regret not trying to work at things with us, but I can't see it if he checked out much longer before us finishing. His family say he isnt coping and is on sleeping tablets. Why not talk to me about it then? I'm probably the one person that gets it yet he reaches out to someone else.

Went through this 5 years ago, 3 kids, together 17 years, married for 3. Similar to you, I wanted to try and fix things, he didn't. No advice as everyone's situation is different but I can assure you, it will get better, you'll find your footing quicker than you think, I know this is a difficult and upsetting time for both you and DC, you will both be OK, just give it some time. Hugs for you both

Thank you @TiptoeThroughTheToadstools, that's really nice of you to say that

How did you cope seeing him with someone else? I'm still going through the motions of anger and sadness. It pains me knowing he threw the towel in so easily, although it makes sense now knowing what I know now. I hate saying it but I still love him, and it makes me sad knowing that it won't ever be back to how it was when we were happy

@Username112233 I struggled at first, I asked him to take some time out and really think about things before he blew our family apart, he said he would but in the end up I realised he was just appeasing me in saying he would do that, he had already found someone else, at the very least (although I strongly suspect more) he was having an emotional affair with someone at work. I could have made things difficult but in the end up, I decided I didn't want my kids or me to be miserable, so I let a lot of things slide, for my own mental health and to buffer (as much as I could) the effect on our DCs. So much so his friends commented at the time, it was like he walked out of an earthquake with just a bruise to show for it. Once I realised we were never coming back from it, I put all my energy in to things that made me happy, I shaved my head (for charity, not a Britany Spears job) I started wearing what I liked, instead of worrying how I looked, I made more time for friends, took the kids to fun places, started looking up little fun things we could do at home, starting going to concerts again, learned to drive a tank, all sorts of things. I took up painting for the first time in my life. Immerse yourself in things that make you happy, do things for you and your DC. Let go of the things you can't control, but realise that you have complete control over how you choose to deal with it. It's early days and everything is so raw and painful just now, I remember it well, and allow yourself time to grieve, but don't let this dictate the rest of your life. After about 2 years I started dating again, put myself out there etc. If your ex finds someone else, it will be hard at first, you'll start comparing yourself and torture yourself about why her and not you, but that's natural and it will pass. Eventually you won't be able to remember the last time you thought about it. Most of all, be kind to yourself, it's important

@TiptoeThroughTheToadstools thank you. I want to get back out there but I'm not the most sociable of people, and my self confidence has taken a pounding with this recently. I spend my days trapped in my head, wondering why I wasn't good enough, what could I have done differently, reacted to better etc . Like you, he said he would work at it and did for a bit but looking back now it was like you said to appease me, there was no heart in it. Now I understand why.

I don't meant to sound like I'm better than anyone but I know I'm a really nice person and he's taken advantage of it. I can hand in heart say that I honestly don't deserve this. But realistically, who's going to take me on with a kid and mental health issues

For me and my ex, it was years of taking each other for granted, money worries, busy jobs, kids. So there is never just one thing, and don't take all the blame. But the sooner you can get in to the frame of mind, that what has passed is past, and it doesn't really matter, it has no bearing or effect on what is happening now, so beating yourself up, guessing what was going through his head, has no value, you can only effect what happens now, you'll start to find your own path. You'll come out of this stronger. I wasn't particularly social, but I used online dating with a fair degree of success. I'm a mum of 3, quite round in the middle, with disabilities affecting my mobility, depression and anxiety and I'm definitely not on the scrap heap, you sound like you have been downtrodden, but you are still in there, look for the positives, try not to focus on the negatives x

@TiptoeThroughTheToadstools I'm honestly terrified of doing this on my own. I'm really struggling and it seems like there's no way out, I'm hanging on by a thread.
I feel like he's got what he wanted, the single life with no one to answer to. His family says this isn't the case as this is never what he wanted, and that he feels like a failure and is struggling.
Meanwhile I'm in the house in bits. I'm really struggling to get out of bed this morning as I don't have our son, and don't know what I'm going to do this weekend without him

@Username112233 you will be amazed and what you're capable of. I was terrified of being alone, but when you're forced in to it, that's all you can do. I found out I'm pretty damn awesome on my own. I miss the kids when they're with my ex, I always will but we definitely make the most of our time now

@TiptoeThroughTheToadstools I hope so.
We're almost a month in but I know it feels longer for him as he checked out long before we actually split up

How can someone who was everything to you make you feel like this and yet they are ok with it?

@Username112233 my ex is now a completely different person from the man I knew, selfish, self involved, oblivious. It's quite astonishing how much someone can change. Believe me when I say, you will be better off, I know it doesn't feel it just now, but you will be... do you have family near by? My parents were my life line in the early days

Yeah my family and friends have been invaluable. I don't recognise the person he was, and I think that's part of the struggle. This is never the man I knew. I never thought he would do this to me or make me feel this bad and not even care. I feel like I'm back to square 1 with the emotional side of things as it's a horrible feeling

@TiptoeThroughTheToadstools has some very good advice. Some of it might not make sense for a little while.

You’re playing catch-up with someone who’s probably been thinking about leaving, long before they announced it.

What I would add, is to find some anger! Get some boundaries set with your other half. Don’t let them walk all over you and your kids.

Discover who you are again, and day by day, you’ll find your own worth.

There’s an expression from one of the MN boards from a while back.
KOKO

Keep On Keeping On.

(I’m through and out the other side. It’s actually ok 🙂)

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie thank you. I'm trying to keep hanging in there but it's hard knowing he doesn't feel like this and never has or will. I don't understand how his feelings can have completely switched off and that he's doesn't care that I'm feeling like this. I go between angry and sad. Just now it seems to be sad

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie how did you get through the other side and how long did it take for you to be happy again?

Well, it happens very gradually. I started to look back at my marriage, the part I played in its downfall. I had therapy, did meditation. I found an exercise class that I love going to. I got support from friends and family. I slowly got my sh*t together.
AND I found a good lawyer. Although you won’t get more being the ‘wronged’ party, you will need a share in the marital assets.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie Your account of everything gives me reassurance, thank you.

We told our DD yesterday and it was awful as expected. She is a very grown up little girl and she just held her Daddy's face to comfort him while he cried and told her. She then cuddled me as I sobbed. She cried but there was no anger from her.

I'm really hoping we can get back to a good place of being able to get on and spend time together as a family. We both still love each other and get on so both think we will be able to have a positive relationship just not a romantic one.

I actually feel a little relief now DD has been told. I know that there isn't any going back now she knows and now we have been taken out of this limbo we've spend months living in.

An unexpected opportunity for a business I've wanted to start for a while has come up so I'm trying to look at this as a 'as one door closes another ones opens' kind of scenario.

@Cluckycluck telling the children is always the hardest part, it's not pretty

Good for you for seeing the positive from this

I’m so sorry you are all going through this - I can feel your pain as my dh walked out almost 2 weeks ago and I am utterly shell shocked.

Reading some of these posts is like reading about my own life right now - I’m devastated that anyone else has to feel this way 😢I feel like I can’t breath at the moment. Crying in despair one minute, angry the next. I feel like I don’t want to be alive but I will carry on for the kids. People keep telling me it gets better - at the moment I can’t see how I will ever feel like this can get better though.

20 years for us, married 15 - perfectly normal and happy relationship until he started a new job and changed overnight. The person he has become is horrible - yet I’m still texting him every other day begging him to come back. I’m utterly pathetic.

Big hugs to all going through this same thing - hopefully we will all be ok in the long run.

@AndPeggy08 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've honestly never felt pain like it. How are you holding up with your kids?

I'm the same, I don't recognise the person he's become. He's so cold. I never thought he'd do this to us. I don't want to go on either. I'm trying my best for our son but sometimes I don't think it's enough.

Are you managing to get out of bed in the morning? This is the part I struggle with. Any free minute I have is spent in bed as if im sleeping im not feeling any pain

It is a total roller coaster for sure. I am 8 months on now and still in pain. I love him and hate him, I miss him and I want him to miss me. But he's moved on and is happy. People keep saying it will get easier with time but it feels awful when you are stuck in the middle of it. I feel better when I keep myself really busy and I am not stuck alone with my thoughts. And I am trying to be friendly for the children but it's killing me.

I’m trying my best to be as normal as possible in front of the kids but I’m ashamed to say I have sat and cried in front of them which is not helping them at all. I’m just so sad and sometimes I can’t suppress it.

They are 14 and are very angry with their dad - they feel hurt and abandoned too and I keep trying to defend him by telling them that he left me, not them, but he hasn’t exactly been proactive about coming to see them on an evening so I feel their pain.

I’m struggling to sleep - wake up like clockwork between 3am and 4am on a morning and then lie there crying and thinking about all the lovely times we had together and how he seems to have forgotten this almost overnight. I can’t get past 20 years meaning absolutely nothing to him. I totally understand why you are struggling to get up on a morning though - don’t beat yourself up about that, it sounds totally normal to want to sleep and forget all about it.

Are you still managing to work? This is what I’m struggling with - I’m in work but I know I’m not doing my best and am frightened that my currently understanding bosses are going to get really fed up of me really quickly.

I have found that many people at work have been in the same position and they all tell me that the pain will lessen and I may be happier in the long run because they are now. I really hope this is the case for you too - it’s awful we are all in this position but nice to be able to hand hold until we get through the worst of it.

I'm managing fine with work surprisingly, everyone has been great. It's a massive distraction which is what I need, however I dread going home at night. My struggle now is that he's in the house when I finish as he gets son from school until I get in. I know this is best for our son as he gets to see his friends etc, but it's not best for me

Ladies, save yourselves. My story is so similar and I’m 18 months down the line. Expect them to not see or pull their weight with the children, they will stop paying joint bills and there will be other women. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. We get no time to heal because we care are left trying to hold it all together for the children.

Take care of you, think with your head and not your hearts.