Hand hold please

[Username112233]

My husband and I have split up 2 weeks ago after 17 years together, married for 8 with a 7 year old son. We've not really got much in common anymore apart from
Our son. Not been getting on for 4 months, I wanted to try make it work and get the spark back but he didn't.

I'm really struggling to be honest so looking for a bit of support. It's amicable, I think the daily drudge of life got in the way. I struggle with anxiety/depression, we lost both sets of dads within months of each other a couple of years ago which I think has taken its toll. We still love each other, but he says there's nothing there anymore. To be honest I've not felt like myself and our son and have been a priority of his for a while, he rarely done bedtime or anything as a family as he was always out with his friends. I felt guilt doing anything with mine as I feel it was an inconvenience for him.

I'm just looking for a bit of support really. He has moved out to stay with his mum, still paying his share of bills etc whilst myself and son are in family home. He's away on holiday with his friends this weekend and I've not heard from him (which isn't unusual, but makes me feel crap all the same). I'm really sad that 4 months of not getting on for 17 years together isn't enough to fight for. His mum says he's struggling (we get on brilliant) Has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm barely holding it together. I really hope he realises what he's done but can't see it. Does anyone have any help?

Thank yiu @Findingmeagain @HammerMyhome . I honestly feel like I'm back to sqaure 1 where it's consuming my every waking moment. I honestly hope I'll thrive but at this moment in time I can't see it

I've never felt anything like this. Still sleeping the days away when I can. I feel like I should be doing better considering we're over a month down the line. I was doing well until I spoke to a solicitor and now I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner and I'm not ready for that yet. I miss the friendship of his family as well and don't want to broach them as I know I'll be made to be the bad one as he's still denying cheating

I just feel so sad. I'm clinging on for DS, taking medication and seeing a counsellor but feel as though nothing is working. Meanwhile he's months ahead in this process and it makes me sad cos like you say he's been thinking about this for months

You will come out the other side of this and he will have to live with what he's done. I have started keeping a short diary and today I have written "I will get better but he will always be him". Sometimes your heart over powers your head and you just gave to ride it out and let it pass, like a wave that you know is eventually going to flatten out. Oh and eat cake, lots of cake ! I have also started taking selfies when I am feeling good about myself to remind myself there is nothing wring with me.

Please don’t be pushed into making decisions without a solicitor and don’t let him persuade you that you don’t need to do this with solicitors. Yes they cost money but they ensure everything is out in the open including all assets and pensions and they will explain to both of you the guidelines that are in place.

There are lots of assumptions made and misinformed advice given by friends and family which can lead to you worrying unnecessarily.

Its nice to see your son is finding things better in the house now. Focus on that and just take one step at a time.

If you have a bad day that’s ok, they won’t all be the same and you will get through every day. It’s very hard and I had no idea how hard until I found myself with the rug pulled out from under me. I’d been planning big birthday celebrations for next year and family things when he had checked out ages ago.

he might be further down the road than you and that’s hard. I’d be unable to eat or function and he’d be listening to music and whistling along.

Just keep going and know you’re not the only one in this place and it’s ok to not be ok.

That's what I'm struggling with. I've lost over a stone, can't eat and just want to lie in bed all day and night and sleep. I can't get enough of it just now. I know I need to try and push myself but it's too hard and I'm not there yet

I've spoken to the solicitor and they said exactly what you've said re everything being out in the open. Re checking out ages ago , that's the part that hurts the most. I know we were both unhappy but to have your head turned and throw the towel in us absolutely heartbreaking

How long does it take to feel better do you think? Like I've said it's been a month now and I feel no further forward, if anything worse as I have constant anxiety over what's gong to happen next

Can you DM on the app, if so how?

One month in is really early days, you are being too hard on yourself.

Do you think so @Whereisthelove2? I feel because he so far ahead of me in this process that I should be the same

I can't even bring myself to speak to him unless it's about our son. Even when he texts about him I get anxiety and just give him one word answers

Mornings are the worst. As usual, I'm struggling today

((Big hugs)) @Username112233

I totally understand how hard you are finding this at the moment. It’s the betrayal of them having decided something a long time ago and not letting you know - at least that is how I feel. I’m here feeling pretty destroyed and like my life is over while he is loving his single life because he’s had time to get over the guilt of breaking our family up.

How are you coping with arrangements for your son - does he see him regularly so that you know when you have some time to look after yourself?

I’ve had a massive argument with my ex last night as he just expects to see them when it suits. He was busy last weekend so not bothered - but had some time this weekend so wants to see them. Yet he doesn’t want to involve me by letting me know what time he will collect them - it’s like I don’t exist and my time/plans don’t matter. He has messaged them telling them what time he’ll collect them and I’m supposed to just fall into line.

This is a horribly difficult time but so many people promise me it will get better. I hope that is the case for all of us on here who are going through the same thing.

This helped me this morning so hope it helps someone else today.

@Username112233 yes you are doing incredibly well and you are not at the same stage as your ex. He planned to leave, grieved in the relationship whilst in it, make no mistake he knows what he is doing and has done to your family - don’t be me and make excuses for him and his behaviour. You sound in a far better place than I was a month in to it. At that point I wasn’t sleeping or eating, was consumed by it all for many months following (all day), clinging on to false hope as he never had a conversation about leaving and made out he wanted things to work with us, he was angry nearly every time I seen him (only when he was entertaining other women - I found this out months later - immediately, a couple of days after leaving the family) and I went down the path of trying to figure it all out. A year and half down the line, i still don’t have the answers to this, makes no sense to me. Only reasoning I have is that he is selfish and didn’t want the family life, responsibility or financial burden of a family. The law hasn’t protected me in this situation nor has CMS. He couldn’t care less what he’s done to me and the children, shown no remorse or sincere apology. He’s been with many women and is now playing house with somebody else and her child. Whereas I have not dated, been with or seen another man and still don’t feel ready.

@Findingmeagain mine did this as well, expected to see the children all on his terms and I would have to cancel any arrangements we had.

I can stress enough, look out for yours and your childrens best interests from now on (not his).

@Findingmeagain I mean at the start of him leaving. Now he doesn’t bother with the children.

Yeah he's fine with taking our son, he's spent more time with him recently than he has for years. It's just awful, I don't think I'm doing well at all. Still very tearful

@Username112233 It’s natural to feel teary. It’s an enormous life changing situation and you’ve no control over it. Are you managing to do what you have to in terms of work etc?

If anything I feel worse this week. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I've done nothing all week and can't face doing anything.
I'm usually excited for upcoming birthdays and Christmas but I just don't want any of that to come around this year.

@Whereisthelove2 yeah I've been going to work. Doing the bare minimum but it's a welcome distraction. Just doing stuff about the house whilst I've got the energy otherwise I'd lie in bed which I know isn't good but it's so welcoming.

@Cluckycluck I 100% get where you're coming from. I see all the Christmas stuff in the shops and it's my fav time of year. This year I just want to forget about it. I feel it's never going to be the same again. We had all our wee traditions and they're no longer going to bed there

What makes it worse is that his mum is telling dole we split up cos i didn't want to do anything, not that he was cheating. Surprisingly she's failed to mention that part. I'm furious

How are you all holding up today?

I’m going to view houses for sale later this week. I’m hoping that might make me feel a bit more hopeful about a new start. I’ve been sorting out and decluttering at home and have found lots of sentimental things that have made me sad, photos, tickets to things we went to etc

@Newuname199987 I found that hard as well when I was clearing out our wardrobe for him to move out. It's bitter sweet eh. He's been nice in texts today which has thrown me as it makes me very suspicious, esp after phoning drunk on Saturday night wanting to speak to our son. I hung up on him and cut off all further calls. How far down the road are you now since it happened? People tell me I'm expecting too much too soon, I just want to forget he ever existed

Struggling today ladies. Thought this would get better but feel
I'm just treading water

Go easy on yourself, it's still very early days. I bottled it up for months pretending to be ok and its only now really coming out so it's better you going through it now and can start the healing process. There is no timeline for grief and you just got to do it in your own way.

I’m 9 months down the road in all this. At first I really wanted for us to try and make it work but he had checked out ages ago and after a little bit of indecisiveness on his side (I think he didn’t want to dash my hopes altogether but it was worse as got my hopes up a few times) it really was over from his side .

I’ve sent you a private message (I’ve tried to anyway) so check your inbox

@Username112233 I'm struggling too, you are not alone in this.

The only people that know are my parents, DD and my closest friend. I'm still lying to everyone else around me. I just can't cope with the idea of telling others.

How are you getting on today ladies? I didn't actually struggle with that part @Cluckycluck, I hadn't been myself for a while so was a relief to actually tell
People why

Hi @Username112233

How are you doing today? Is it getting any easier? How is your son?

I’m a bit up and down. Have been very busy at work so that helps to distract me but every so often the sadness hits me. Right now the kids are out helping at their schools open evening and I’m home alone feeling really down.
Kids have been a big help over the last couple of weeks though. They have been very empathetic and are also quite angry with him to the point of making sure he knows it (he is playing the victim and can’t understand their anger) I know I shouldn’t be happy about them having a strained relationship with their dad, but deep down I am ☹️

@AndPeggy08 Hello. Todays been a struggle, I seem to have 1 ok day then bad day. Works been keeping me busy like you, but it's coming home and the evenings I dread. Weekend to myself as well which I think will be hard, I feel like an inconvenience asking folk to do stuff because I know they've got families of their own

I'm still crying most days. I can't even hide it from my son now and he just cuddles me. I just feel such guilt and wonder why I wand genius by for someone I would've given my last breath to

I'd be secretly happy about this as well lol. Have you much planned this weekend?

Ahh, it’s so hard @Username112233 it really is a rollercoaster. I’m so sorry you’re having a bad day today. Totally understand you dreading the weekend, and feeling worse on an evening.
I keep waking up at about 4am and then I lie there thinking about all the nice times we used to have and wondering at what point everything changed for him and he stopped loving me ☹️ As a result, I am tired most of the time through lack of sleep.

I’ve no real plans this weekend but I do have the kids - because he has not made an effort to arrange a rota to see them and he informed me he’s going away to do his hobby all weekend - no consideration at all as to whether I may need a break from the kids when I’m working full time and then coming straight home and looking after the kids/house etc single handedly. He is making sure he gets all the space and free time he desired at the expense of me and the kids.

Ive spent a lot of time thinking about Xmas over the last couple of days - I’ve felt like the last few have been rubbish - kids are teenagers, he made no effort. I’m scared of it just being us but I’m also trying to think of some new traditions I can start - just for the 3 of us. Makes my heart hurt to think he won’t be here though