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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Parental responsibility and changing surnames

180 replies

LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 12:46

I have two primary aged DC from a previous relationship which ended when DC were very young. DC have their dad's surname. They live with me as per court order and have contact with their dad.

Fast forward several years and I'm married to DH, we have a child together and we'd like us all to have the same surname.

DH has grown up as a father figure to DC and he would also love to have parental responsibility for them.

So what I'm asking you wise bunch is: do any of you have any experience of applying or gaining parental responsibility for a step parent and / or changing your children's surname. We'd like to know if it's worth applying for and how likely we are to succeed.

OP posts:
Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 12:50

Sorry, that should read: DH has become a father figure to the DC. We met when they were very young. They call him dad.

OP posts:
Change123today · 07/02/2022 13:00

I can’t advise on parental responsibility etc that something you would need to look into - do they have regular contact with their Dad?

I know friends, they did try to change their children surnames - one did change it and one didn’t. Once the two children turned 16 the one whose Mum had changed it changed it back to his Dads and the other one that couldn’t changed his to step dads.
Maybe it’s something that the children decide when they old enough? Rather than fighting through the courts? Maybe?

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 07/02/2022 13:02

I suspect that the answer you're going get to both questions (surname change and parental responsibility) is 'Nnly if their father gives his permission'.

Is he likely to do that?

Peppermint81 · 07/02/2022 13:06

I don't think you need to change their surnames??

Think would cause a lot of unnecessary hassle, hurt and upset for the biological Dad and the kids just for a preference/idealism.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 13:09

They do have regular contact with their biological dad. He's unlikely to give permission, especially for PR, the relationship ended due to significant emotional abuse and he's incredibly controlling and remains a difficult person to co-parent with even all these years later. So anything we go for would likely have be via the Courts.

OP posts:
newbiename · 07/02/2022 13:13

Surely if their father is in their lives , the court wouldn't take PR from him ?

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/02/2022 13:15

You don't say how old the children are but they can change their own names without his permission when they are 16.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/02/2022 13:15

Sorry, you said they were primary age.

Summertime16 · 07/02/2022 13:16

As the biological father is in their lives I doubt you would get a court to agree. I’d personally wait until they are old enough to make a decision theirselves or go for adoption and see how you get on

lonelydad2022 · 07/02/2022 13:17

It is so wrong. DCs have a father, have contact with him but you want to change their names to satisfy your current DH's desire to have all the same surname. Changing their name won't change 50% of their making. but imagine all the confusion that you will cause your children. Thankfully, you need to go to court to get parental responsibility and the father of your children can oppose the absurd idea.

Hdhr8jsj · 07/02/2022 13:19

You can't change their surnames with out permission of their father. PR can be gained via adoption... again, with the father's agreement.

Snowywintersundays123 · 07/02/2022 13:20

Honestly I don’t think the courts would go for it. They won’t strip dad of parental responsibility as there is no grounds nor reasons too. The courts won’t force it and would be a total waste of money and time.
Your DH can still be that figure… he doesn’t need PR.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 13:22

Sorry, I should clarify, we aren't looking to take PR away from their biological dad. We wanted DH to have PR in addition to their biological dad.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 13:22

Why would you want to change their names if their father is in their lives?

My ex is absent and I was still told I wouldn’t be able to change it without his permission as he has PR. Was
Told this by a solicitor.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 13:23

I'd like their surname to be the same as mine as I'm their main carer.

OP posts:
titchy · 07/02/2022 13:25

Not a lawyer but.... highly unlikely a court would agree to the name change. However I do believe it is might be possible for a court to agree to your dh having pr in addition to the pr currently held by you and your ex.

Snowywintersundays123 · 07/02/2022 13:25

Unless he agrees to it, then it won’t happen. Double
Barrel might be a comprise he would agree on?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/02/2022 13:26

Even though the courts I'd be amazed if you could do this without the father's permission. Without genuine cause (IE hes a danger to them) I can't see why any court would make this decision. And if they do, that's quite scary!

FelicityPike · 07/02/2022 13:26

@LivingTheLifeofMum

They do have regular contact with their biological dad. He's unlikely to give permission, especially for PR, the relationship ended due to significant emotional abuse and he's incredibly controlling and remains a difficult person to co-parent with even all these years later. So anything we go for would likely have be via the Courts.
I highly doubt a Court would approve this change because Dad is a regular figure in the children’s lives. However each Judge would have their own opinions, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up.
millymolls · 07/02/2022 13:28

Completely daft idea on both accounts!

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 13:29

Double-barrelled would be an option and we'd consider that as at least then we'd have our surname in there too. Would he still need to agree to that or would Courts be more likely to go with that? X

OP posts:
mugoftea456 · 07/02/2022 13:29

The courts will most likely allow a double barrel. They will not just take dads name off entirely.

Summertime16 · 07/02/2022 13:30

Any change of name the biological father would need to agree too. As such if he wanted to change their surname you would need to agree to that too

Huntswomanonthemove · 07/02/2022 13:32

A distant relative of mine had his name changed to his step-father's name. When he was 24, just before getting married, he changed his name back to his biological father's name. He did this because he said it felt wrong to him to have a name that he hadn't chosen and didn't reflect who he is.

AlternativePerspective · 07/02/2022 13:33

I don’t see why an ex should agree to his children’s name being changed to that of his ex’s new partner or even their mum’s name. They were given the names at birth, that doesn’t change just because the new man in their lives says it should.

As for parental responsibility, I would honestly tread very carefully here.

PR means your DH would have deciding power over your children’s lives, their education, their medical treatment etc. That’s all very well while you’re married, but if you were to split up then this man who is not your children’s father will have power of decision over their lives, education, medical treatment etc.

I understand the sentiment but I genuinely don’t believe that a non biological parent should be given parental responsibility like this.