Parental responsibility and changing surnames

[LivingTheLifeofMum]

I have two primary aged DC from a previous relationship which ended when DC were very young. DC have their dad's surname. They live with me as per court order and have contact with their dad.

Fast forward several years and I'm married to DH, we have a child together and we'd like us all to have the same surname.

DH has grown up as a father figure to DC and he would also love to have parental responsibility for them.

So what I'm asking you wise bunch is: do any of you have any experience of applying or gaining parental responsibility for a step parent and / or changing your children's surname. We'd like to know if it's worth applying for and how likely we are to succeed.

If it’s purely about just having the same name, then surely it doesn’t matter what name, so just change yours and husband’s to your children’s surname.

I don't want my ex' surname in a million years, sorry! And not a chance DH will agree to that, quite rightly too. It was not an amicable split (hence the Court process) and the idea of us changing our surnames to that of someone who drove me to the brink of a breakdown not only does not appeal but would be traumatic.

@LivingTheLifeofMum

I don't want my ex' surname in a million years, sorry! And not a chance DH will agree to that, quite rightly too. It was not an amicable split (hence the Court process) and the idea of us changing our surnames to that of someone who drove me to the brink of a breakdown not only does not appeal but would be traumatic.

Tbf op I agree with this I’ve only seen this madness suggested on MN, who in their right mind would change their surname to their exes never mind getting their partner to agree to it too! How many people would change their surname to their partners exes? Really think before you suggest that as an option because it’s a crazy suggestion.

OK so a few things here.

Your DH could apply for PR under Step Parents Parental Responsibility. My DH and I looked into this a fair few years back (I decided I really didn't want it in the end). This means that should it be granted then he would be financially and morally responsible for your children in addition to you and your ex H.

From a practical point of view - why does he need it? DR's and Dentists are quite happy to have consent given - infact my DS has never had my name and I have never been questioned. My DH has taken him to DR's appointments and never been questioned. In an emergency - he still wouldn't need it as emergency care would still be provided.

He is happy to have it now BUT if you split with him then he is financially still liable. Does he understand that you could still apply for maintenance payments from him as well as your ex? I know when we are in a relationship that we say we wouldn't do that but you could and there are no guarantees that you won't.

You comment on the courts maybe not liking the 2 against 1 but again, what if you split? Are you prepared that they could have a casting vote against you at every major decision? Are you prepared that you may only see your children 30% of the time? That could happen, your ex has contact and now your new ex wants contact, that means your 2 ex's could get more time combined between them than you - because with PR comes the legal right to apply for contact.

FWIW my DSS lives with us and if something happened to his dad, my guess is that he would still choose to live with me, I don't have PR (he does turn 18 later this year anyway). If that is his choice then I would of course still offer the same support as I do now, not because I have to but because I would want to.

I think you need to be really honest with yourself and understand exactly why you feel the PR is important?

The name is a very easy fix, change your DH's and LO to your other children's name. Easiest and simplest answer without any upset or conflict with anyone.

My DGS's both have our family name not their DF's, his mom changed his name to hers when he was 13 (bit messier than your situation) but he resents it and doesn't feel like he wanted the children to have that name as he doesn't really feel that it belongs to him but didn't feel that his dads belongs to him either - he plans on changing to our family name should they get married.

@LivingTheLifeofMum

I don't want my ex' surname in a million years, sorry! And not a chance DH will agree to that, quite rightly too. It was not an amicable split (hence the Court process) and the idea of us changing our surnames to that of someone who drove me to the brink of a breakdown not only does not appeal but would be traumatic.

Posted before I saw this - ok so the name won't work. In that case if your husband and you don't want his name then you can understand that your ex won't want you to change the kids name to a man that you have now married either so I think leaving everyone's names as they are seems fair enough.

@TangledUp789

Amazing lack of self awareness in describing your ex as controlling and emotionally abusive, while you try to remove him as your children’s father bit by bit. Having them call another man daddy, describing that man as a father figure (why do they need one of those when they have an active and involved dad?), describing dad as the ‘biological father’, removing their dad’s surname in favour of an unrelated male. Your poor kids and poor ex.

I picked up on this. It's not uncommon for the abuser to falsely accuse their ex of abuse not because they are malicious but because they are so lacking in self awareness themselves. For all we know, not being fully versed on the facts, the acrimonious divorce could just as easily have caused a near breakdown in the OP because she lost control over her ex.

We also know a lot more about coercive control now, particularly where one spouse believes they know a lot more about raising children than the other and become controlling in that respect. Deciding a new partner is a better dad than dad is exactly the kind of controlling behaviour we should be looking out for.

OP I hear you in wanting to consolidate your family group through a common surname. However…no matter how good your DH is with your kids, or how bad (in your opinion) your ex is….he is their dad. You absolutely should not be changing their name or having them call your husband dad. It just isn’t on. He has limited opportunities to be their dad as it is (e.g doesn’t have daily contact, bedtimes etc etc). You are eroding this important bond even more. Think how you would feel if they called someone else mum? I’m saying this as a step parent who has the kids f/t and very much parents them. (Highly limited contact with their mum due to her parental alienation). One of my step kids asked to call me mum - I very gently let her know that wouldn’t be right but that doesn’t stop me being a parent figure to her. Her children are being brought by their dad and I. I don’t need to take the title away from her too.

He would need to agree to the double barrel, but use your name, not your dh's. If you all want the same name then you and dh double barrel to reflect each others names. This way you can collectively be known as the "LifeofMum" family.
I don't think any father with contact would or should be expected to agree to another man having legal parental responsibility, being called dad or being given another man's name.

@ANameChangeAgain

He would need to agree to the double barrel, but use your name, not your dh's. If you all want the same name then you and dh double barrel to reflect each others names. This way you can collectively be known as the "LifeofMum" family. I don't think any father with contact would or should be expected to agree to another man having legal parental responsibility, being called dad or being given another man's name.

OP has already taken her new DH’s name and given it to their shared child.

So they have:

Mum - DH’s name
Husband - DH’s name
Child 1 - ex’s name
Child 2 - ex’s name
Child 3 - DH’s name

@britneyisfree

Also what will you do if you and your current husband split? Remarry and change their names again??

Exactly this! If you want to change your name on marriage (why would you) then you should go for double barrel, that way you’ll still share their last name in part. Easy solution!

You'd need a specific issues order from a court.
Courts are very reluctant, I believe, to change children's surnames in these kinds of circumstances.
Think you need to forgot about this as an option, until the kids are older and can make their own decisions.

It was only suggested as an option as all having the same surname was of the upmost importance. I didn’t change my name on marriage and don’t understand what anyone would want to, but that’s just me!

@rumrunner123 thank you. I told DH I wanted to post on here so he's aware of the thread and reading the replies. We are thinking now it's best to leave PR and allow DC to decide themselves on their surname when they are 16.

For those eg @Unknown83 implying I was abusive in the relationship with the DC dad, that is harsh and uncalled for. Fortunately it was a long time ago and I am stronger now but please don't twist things or try to overanalyse things like this because your comments could be very detrimental to anyone who has suffered abuse in the past. I don't disagree that some people nowadays use the emotional abuse umbrella for everything (I have noticed that myself) but I can assure you that wasn't me. I just don't go into my ex relationship because I have moved on. It might sounds matter of fact due to that - but it wasn't a trivial thing.

Exactly this! If you want to change your name on marriage (why would you) then you should go for double barrel, that way you’ll still share their last name in part. Easy solution!

They’ve never shared a name.

@waterSpider

You'd need a specific issues order from a court. Courts are very reluctant, I believe, to change children's surnames in these kinds of circumstances. Think you need to forgot about this as an option, until the kids are older and can make their own decisions.

Yes, I think you are right. It sounds like it will be a lot of hassle.

@LivingTheLifeofMum

I'd like their surname to be the same as mine as I'm their main carer.

This is why I didn't and wouldn't change my name upon marriage, and gave all children both parents surnames.

No one forced you to change your name and not to double barrel your youngest dc with both of your names.

@WouldIBeATwat Yes, that's correct, exP and I didn't get married.

@LivingTheLifeofMum
Just out of interest, why did you change your surname back to that of a father who you had no contact with, rather than the man - your stepfather - who raised you?

Don't people usually have names that represent their families? My Stepfather's name was passed down through his family but he didn't have any children of his own. Why would I keep a name I have no connection to?

He's a lovely chap (almost 91 now) but he's not my Dad and I've never called him that. I have the name I was given at birth and I've never had any intention of changing it. Why would I?

My children now have that same name as the first of their double-barrelled surnames and hopefully they'll pass it on to their children if they have any.

Isn't that how surnames work?

@auberJohn

I think you should tread carefully when asking your children which name they would like to adopt - they may feel pressurised to say yes to keep you happy. The big picture implications of a change of family name is something that a child probably can't grasp.

Keep your young children out of this.

Quite, it’s not a discussion or decision they should make even if they bring it up. Too much baggage to carry later in life when they do understand.

@ChocolateDeficitDisorder I don't know, I just wanted to understand the dynamics of surnames in split families. My own parents are still together after all these years, so I don't really have past experience of step parenting to go on.

Sorry if my question sounded personal by the way, but I was interested to know more about your situation.

@Snowywintersundays123

Unless he agrees to it, then it won’t happen. Double Barrel might be a comprise he would agree on?

Double barrel if he agrees to it ask him nicely point out it is easier for the kids if you both take them on holiday. You new DH and new child change their name to yours - easy no?

Your children have a surname that is their own, no matter where it came from, it's theirs.

There is no need to mention it again. If they decide at 16 to change it by themselves then the can. They don't need to be asked what they want to do about their name, it just is what it is.

From my own experience, the best thing you can do for children who are part of a blended family is to not put any pressure on them to be people pleasers.

So much of childhood can be spent trying to give parents, step parents, partners the answers they want to hear, it's exhausting. And in my case has made it very difficult as an adult to have my own boundaries.

Your children's name is a non-issue, stop making it one.

[quote LivingTheLifeofMum]@rumrunner123 thank you. I told DH I wanted to post on here so he's aware of the thread and reading the replies. We are thinking now it's best to leave PR and allow DC to decide themselves on their surname when they are 16.

For those eg @Unknown83 implying I was abusive in the relationship with the DC dad, that is harsh and uncalled for. Fortunately it was a long time ago and I am stronger now but please don't twist things or try to overanalyse things like this because your comments could be very detrimental to anyone who has suffered abuse in the past. I don't disagree that some people nowadays use the emotional abuse umbrella for everything (I have noticed that myself) but I can assure you that wasn't me. I just don't go into my ex relationship because I have moved on. It might sounds matter of fact due to that - but it wasn't a trivial thing. [/quote]
It's not harsh or uncalled for at all, for two reasons:

1. I don't know you, only what you've chosen to tell me;
2. You are displaying controlling behaviour right now in assuming you know better than your ex about bringing up the children even though he's still a part of their lives.

You say my comments could be detrimental to people who have suffered abuse. I disagree. I think people who suffer genuine abuse have their situations made ten times worse by people who clog up the courts with false or inflated allegations. Not only has it led to people having to wait too long for outcomes in their cases, it has made CAFCASS and the courts less likely to believe real victims.

I can also tell your claims didn't go where you wanted them too because your DCs are still in contact with their father, which is presumably why you are now seeking to antagonise the man and unsettle things with this latest display of belligerence on your part.

Based solely on the information you have provided to me, you come across as someone who can be summed up as believing:

Emotional abuse = someone who dares to disagree with me.

You try and change your DCs names and give this new man parental responsibility then I suspect a barrister will tear your case to shreds if your ex has the good sense to hire one.

Sorry if my question sounded personal by the way, but I was interested to know more about your situation.

I don't mind at all, but it seems obvious to me.

A child is given a surname/surnames which have some relevance to the surnames of their parents - that's normal. Their biology isn't going to change and a person has absolutely no compulsion at any point in their life to change it to name of a different family.

I find the concept of women changing their surname on marriage very strange and it harks back to the days of women being property. I'm nobody's property. My children's surname was entirely up to me as I wasn't married and had no need to take account of their father's wishes, although I did and double-barrelled their names. It seemed like a decent compromise. I would never have given them an entirely different name to mine as I had given birth to them and did the majority of their care.

I'm proud of my surname, it has heritage and history, as does my mother's birth name - I would have been happy with either or both. My husband's name reflects his family heritage, not mine.

Any parent must give permission for a name change of their child, just as you would need to give permission if their Dad decided he would like to change the childrens name.

PR also generally requires permission, but a judge can decide to over rule, I imagine that would be unlikely where both parents and involved in their child being raised.

We’ve looked at my husband gaining PR for my son, it isn’t something I would do if my son had another parent as I wouldn’t want to essentiall replace them.