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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Parental responsibility and changing surnames

180 replies

LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 12:46

I have two primary aged DC from a previous relationship which ended when DC were very young. DC have their dad's surname. They live with me as per court order and have contact with their dad.

Fast forward several years and I'm married to DH, we have a child together and we'd like us all to have the same surname.

DH has grown up as a father figure to DC and he would also love to have parental responsibility for them.

So what I'm asking you wise bunch is: do any of you have any experience of applying or gaining parental responsibility for a step parent and / or changing your children's surname. We'd like to know if it's worth applying for and how likely we are to succeed.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 07/02/2022 14:21

My SD's mum got married when my SD was 7. We saw my SD very regularly and were supportive parents.
Her mum tried to tell us that my SD wanted to change her name when they got married. We asked my SD who was very clear that her mum wanted her to change her name, but that she was happy being "first name, Dad's name" and wasn't remotely interested in any change of name.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 14:21

Thank you for all your replies. I think we'll wait until the DC are old enough to decide what they'd like their surname to be, and DH will continue to be a father figure to them minus PR. X

OP posts:
millymolls · 07/02/2022 14:28

Seems like you want to erase their father
They have a right to retain their heritage and fathers name

Takingaleap · 07/02/2022 14:32

Why not keep your exh name so you have same name as your dc. Your now dh should be reasonable to understand that.

In any case if you split from current dh after giving him pr, what happens? Remove pr and change name again?

Keep your ex name and it remains same with your dc.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 14:34

@Takingaleap

Why not keep your exh name so you have same name as your dc. Your now dh should be reasonable to understand that.

In any case if you split from current dh after giving him pr, what happens? Remove pr and change name again?

Keep your ex name and it remains same with your dc.

I wasn't married to exP so that's not an option.
OP posts:
skipperjonce · 07/02/2022 14:44

I think it’s disgusting that you’ve encouraged your very young children to call your boyfriend dad. They have a dad and he’s very much part of their lives.

This is parental alienation pure and simple.

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 07/02/2022 14:50

I wasn't married to exP so that's not an option.

You can choose any name you like for yourself. Any name is an option.
There is no legality about adults changing their names.

Takingaleap · 07/02/2022 14:55

If it really matters to you, work with what you've got. Use your name, add your name to all your dc name. Your ex won't object to your name been added to the dc names. Your dh wont disagree to using your name and adding your name to the dc you have together.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 07/02/2022 14:59

@skipperjonce

I think it’s disgusting that you’ve encouraged your very young children to call your boyfriend dad. They have a dad and he’s very much part of their lives.

This is parental alienation pure and simple.

It’s gross isn’t it?

My Mother tried force that on me and my 2 siblings. I refused, I was 7. They were 5 and 3, they never knew any different because of what SHE forced on them.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 15:06

@Takingaleap

If it really matters to you, work with what you've got. Use your name, add your name to all your dc name. Your ex won't object to your name been added to the dc names. Your dh wont disagree to using your name and adding your name to the dc you have together.
It could work but I think ex has to agree to double - barrelled names still?
OP posts:
Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 15:07

@skipperjonce

I think it’s disgusting that you’ve encouraged your very young children to call your boyfriend dad. They have a dad and he’s very much part of their lives.

This is parental alienation pure and simple.

He is not a "boyfriend", he is my husband.
OP posts:
MissSmiley · 07/02/2022 15:18

@britneyisfree

Also what will you do if you and your current husband split? Remarry and change their names again??Hmm
This
Hill1991 · 07/02/2022 15:19

What about double barrelling your name that's what my SM did when she married my dad kept her ex-husband name and double barrelled it with my dads.

MissSmiley · 07/02/2022 15:20

And why do your children call your DH dad? Would you be happy for your ex's new partner to be called mum by your children? No I didn't think so

Change123today · 07/02/2022 15:20

The fact being they have their Dad in the life as well. While it’s lovely that your husband has taken on the role & the children are happy to call him Dad. It’s something you wish as the main care giver to all have the same surname - this still wouldn’t be the case if they double barrelled - unless you all do!

I do understand but this is what you wish. I can’t see the Dad saying yes by the sounds of it. Let the children decide when they old enough - allow them their identity. You run the risk of children just agreeing with you as they don’t want to upset anyone. If you did double barrel and when they old enough they dropped the step-dad name - how would he feel? The knock on effect on changing something now could cause further upset in the future?

Summertime16 · 07/02/2022 15:20

If your changing the names legally then your ex would need to agree and vice versa if he wanted to change their names. You could have a “known as” but every legal document would be in their original name, it can get complicated once they go to high school

Onlyrainbows · 07/02/2022 15:23

My grandma changed my uncle's surname, he never forgave her.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 15:27

@MissSmiley

And why do your children call your DH dad? Would you be happy for your ex's new partner to be called mum by your children? No I didn't think so
I wouldn't be happy but ultimately it is their choice what they call her. He has a new partner, I haven't spoken to her much but she seems lovely and DC get on with her x
OP posts:
Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 15:29

@Change123today

The fact being they have their Dad in the life as well. While it’s lovely that your husband has taken on the role & the children are happy to call him Dad. It’s something you wish as the main care giver to all have the same surname - this still wouldn’t be the case if they double barrelled - unless you all do!

I do understand but this is what you wish. I can’t see the Dad saying yes by the sounds of it. Let the children decide when they old enough - allow them their identity. You run the risk of children just agreeing with you as they don’t want to upset anyone. If you did double barrel and when they old enough they dropped the step-dad name - how would he feel? The knock on effect on changing something now could cause further upset in the future?

Yes - very valid points. I honestly can't see them dropping their step dad's (our) surname in that scenario. I'd be very shocked. He is a truly amazing dad - everything he does is for the three DC whereas the eldest two's dad is quite selfish - the children fit around his life rather than he fits round them, IYSWIM.
OP posts:
Summertime16 · 07/02/2022 15:29

if your ex and partner got married tomorrow and wanted the children to have a double-barreled last name, how would you react?

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 07/02/2022 15:30

He is not a "boyfriend", he is my husband.

Exactly, he's your husband, just yours. Any children you have will have you and him as parents and he will have parental responsibility and a say in the names you give them.

Your other children are not his, they already have a father and you already made a decision about their names long before he came on the scene - a decision that you can't change now.

My mother remarried when I was 7 and my brother was 9 and we had no contact with our father. She renamed us with his surname 'unofficially' and didn't consult us. As soon as I turned 16 I reverted to my original name. My brother didn't and he's now 54 and still using the 'unofficial' surname. His choice, my choice.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 15:31

@Summertime16

if your ex and partner got married tomorrow and wanted the children to have a double-barreled last name, how would you react?
As long as it incorporated my surname also and one of theirs then no problem? Their current surname is their dad's!
OP posts:
TangledUp789 · 07/02/2022 15:33

Amazing lack of self awareness in describing your ex as controlling and emotionally abusive, while you try to remove him as your children’s father bit by bit. Having them call another man daddy, describing that man as a father figure (why do they need one of those when they have an active and involved dad?), describing dad as the ‘biological father’, removing their dad’s surname in favour of an unrelated male. Your poor kids and poor ex.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 15:34

@ChocolateDeficitDisorder

He is not a "boyfriend", he is my husband.

Exactly, he's your husband, just yours. Any children you have will have you and him as parents and he will have parental responsibility and a say in the names you give them.

Your other children are not his, they already have a father and you already made a decision about their names long before he came on the scene - a decision that you can't change now.

My mother remarried when I was 7 and my brother was 9 and we had no contact with our father. She renamed us with his surname 'unofficially' and didn't consult us. As soon as I turned 16 I reverted to my original name. My brother didn't and he's now 54 and still using the 'unofficial' surname. His choice, my choice.

He is my husband but he is a huge part of the DC life and had been since they were tiny. I do see your point though.

Just out of interest, why did you change your surname back to that of a father who you had no contact with, rather than the man - your stepfather - who raised you?

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 07/02/2022 15:35

I agree that much the easiest option is for your husband to change his surname to be the same as yours and your children's - don't think of it as your ex's surname, it's all of yours now. It's no different to a woman changing her name upon marriage to be the same as an ex-wife's.