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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Parental responsibility and changing surnames

180 replies

LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 12:46

I have two primary aged DC from a previous relationship which ended when DC were very young. DC have their dad's surname. They live with me as per court order and have contact with their dad.

Fast forward several years and I'm married to DH, we have a child together and we'd like us all to have the same surname.

DH has grown up as a father figure to DC and he would also love to have parental responsibility for them.

So what I'm asking you wise bunch is: do any of you have any experience of applying or gaining parental responsibility for a step parent and / or changing your children's surname. We'd like to know if it's worth applying for and how likely we are to succeed.

OP posts:
ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 07/02/2022 13:33

I'd like their surname to be the same as mine as I'm their main carer.

The point when you should have taken that opportunity was when you registered them as babies - their surname was entirely your choice and chose to give them his.

I wasn't married when I had my children so I made the decision to double-barrel their names with mine first. I could have chosen just mine but conceded a bit.

I'll never understand why women do this - the default name for any child is the surname of it's mother - why would you want to change that?

FelicityPike · 07/02/2022 13:34

I’ve seen similar written on other posts…..but he’s not their “biological dad”…..he’s their dad.

HotHointheavo · 07/02/2022 13:37

What do the children want if they are old enough to ask.

DD was 3 when Ex left and 4 when Step dad came into her life. 7 when we got married. She saw Ex at least every other weekend and they were close (past tense sadly. New step mother has caused many issues)

When we got married DD expressed her desire to have the same name as me. We talked about it lots and she mentioned it to her dad. He told her if she wanted to double barrel he would be fine with that. Amazingly receptive to the idea!

We decided to do nothing official and she became known as Smith-Jones. School and Dr's etc just accepted. In more recent years she sometimes uses both names and sometimes just her official one!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/02/2022 13:40

What do your kids want?

I'd really hope that both parents have to agree to make a change like that, otherwise he could do the same back and your children will feel like possessions being claimed rather than people in their own rights

Theunamedcat · 07/02/2022 13:44

@LivingTheLifeofMum

Sorry, I should clarify, we aren't looking to take PR away from their biological dad. We wanted DH to have PR in addition to their biological dad.
As in a step parents responsibility agreement? Its doable but you need to ask your exes permission my ex hadn't seen his daughter for over five years we still needed to "ask" and we proceded after he didn't respond

All it does is allow him to make medical decisions in yours and your exes absence really

lonelydad2022 · 07/02/2022 13:45

@Huntswomanonthemove

A distant relative of mine had his name changed to his step-father's name. When he was 24, just before getting married, he changed his name back to his biological father's name. He did this because he said it felt wrong to him to have a name that he hadn't chosen and didn't reflect who he is.
This. No sense of belonging getting a random name that has nothing to do with your history and background. If your husband is a really good father figure as you said, asking your ex to agree on parental responsibility for your husband would be much easier not bringing the name change on top.
NavigatingAdolescence · 07/02/2022 13:46

@ChocolateDeficitDisorder

I'd like their surname to be the same as mine as I'm their main carer.

The point when you should have taken that opportunity was when you registered them as babies - their surname was entirely your choice and chose to give them his.

I wasn't married when I had my children so I made the decision to double-barrel their names with mine first. I could have chosen just mine but conceded a bit.

I'll never understand why women do this - the default name for any child is the surname of it's mother - why would you want to change that?

I was married to DH for many years before having DD. Would never, ever follow the sexist tradition founded when women were not literally people in their own right and change my name on marriage (as I am nobody’s possession). DD has both of our names in hers and loves having the direct link to both sides of her family, not just one.

Leave your kids alone. You made a choice when they were born and can’t undo that now.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 13:46

DC would like to have my (our) surname but they are still quite young.

My only worry with applying for PR for DH is that the Courts may see it as a little one sided if three people have PR and it will effectively be me and DH.. and exP, so from their POV exP would be "outnumbered" in decision making.

I appreciate all your replies.

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 07/02/2022 13:47

The solution for the name is for your DP to take the one that's already in use by all the other members of his family.

WouldIBeATwat · 07/02/2022 13:47

@RoseAndRose

The solution for the name is for your DP to take the one that's already in use by all the other members of his family.
Sounds like it’s too late for that.
Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 13:50

@RoseAndRose

The solution for the name is for your DP to take the one that's already in use by all the other members of his family.
For my DH to change his surname to my exP's?! Hmm
OP posts:
Unknown83 · 07/02/2022 13:51

@LivingTheLifeofMum

They do have regular contact with their biological dad. He's unlikely to give permission, especially for PR, the relationship ended due to significant emotional abuse and he's incredibly controlling and remains a difficult person to co-parent with even all these years later. So anything we go for would likely have be via the Courts.
due to significant emotional abuse

Sorry, always take accusations like that with a pinch of salt these days. In your case there seems to be a settled situation at the moment and you're willing to upset all of that for the sake of a name change up to and including going to court over it?

I'm honestly not convinced he's the controlling one here.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 13:52

@lonelydad2022 you make some good points, thank you.

OP posts:
WouldIBeATwat · 07/02/2022 13:52

For my DH to change his surname to my exP's?!

Can’t ask men to change their names. Everyone knows it causes their willies to fall off.

auberJohn · 07/02/2022 13:55

I think you should tread carefully when asking your children which name they would like to adopt - they may feel pressurised to say yes to keep you happy. The big picture implications of a change of family name is something that a child probably can't grasp.

Keep your young children out of this.

Original poster
LivingTheLifeofMum · 07/02/2022 14:02

@auberJohn

I think you should tread carefully when asking your children which name they would like to adopt - they may feel pressurised to say yes to keep you happy. The big picture implications of a change of family name is something that a child probably can't grasp.

Keep your young children out of this.

Agreed, but it does affect them so I can't really keep them "out of this" completely!
OP posts:
britneyisfree · 07/02/2022 14:06

This is so out of order I can't believe I'm reading it.

I say this as someone who's name was changed to their step fathers as a child. However I had no contact with my father. Do not do this it is wrong on so many levels. You don't just change their identity because it suits you especially when their father has regular contact.

I doubt the courts will agree and even if they do your children will resent you later.

Soontobe60 · 07/02/2022 14:07

@LivingTheLifeofMum

They do have regular contact with their biological dad. He's unlikely to give permission, especially for PR, the relationship ended due to significant emotional abuse and he's incredibly controlling and remains a difficult person to co-parent with even all these years later. So anything we go for would likely have be via the Courts.
And in your situation the courts are more than likely to refuse you.
britneyisfree · 07/02/2022 14:08

Also what will you do if you and your current husband split? Remarry and change their names again??Hmm

RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 14:08

The courts won’t agree, even with my ex absent I was told courts won’t change a child’s names as they think that a child should always have a connection to their father even if he isn’t involved at all Hmm and ops ex is so definitely not

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/02/2022 14:09

The children absolutely should have a say in their own name. They can't when they're babies obviously but once they're old enough to have an attachment to their name, a sense of identity, then I don't think a parent should change it without the childs permission unless in extreme circumstances.

Is there a reason for the name change or just because you want it?

Lalala1 · 07/02/2022 14:09

I was at one point going to change my youngest msg surname my other child had mine (both are his) only so they were growing up with same name I got the form he agreed and signed it but then I had a change of heart it didn’t feel right. I decided to not go through with it but I double barrelled her surname with school(as they are both at same school) but legally she’s still his surname. I’d think carefully before going forward with this it’s something you would need to explain to your children when they are older as even if you change their name it will still state on their bc and anything official “ previously known as XYZ surname”

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/02/2022 14:13

Requesting PR isn't a decision ex gets to make.

Classicblunder · 07/02/2022 14:14

I am afraid you can't just erase him from their lives and replace him with your new husband.

It's bad parenting that you are allowing, probably encouraging, them to see your new husband as their dad. Basically it's parental alienation.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 07/02/2022 14:15

You have almost 0 chance of court ordering a surname change, even a double barrel, same for your DH being given PR.

This is one of the most bonkers things I’ve ever read. Why should your DC change their surnames to suit your new life? Why does it even matter so much to you?